Chapter 23
Claire
This wasn’t happening. I had rehearsed this scenario a hundred times in the past few days, thinking of exactly how I would break this awful news to Levi. Never, in any reiteration, had I imagined him already knowing and wanting me to stop my search for justice.
“Your father?” I said, but it was mostly to myself as I processed this information. I certainly hadn’t accounted for that.
His father. That couldn’t be right. But the dates lined up, and even looking at his strong jaw and that patrician nose, the hints of Richard Stanley were there. But still. Why would he ever want me to stop? He loved and cared about his mother. My brain couldn’t make sense of it.
I looked around at the workshop and thought of his gorgeous cabin with all the top-of-the-line furnishings. Had that man , that thief, funded this life for Levi? Was this another case of man looking out for man? Was this like Kevin wanting to protect his job over my story? Was he protecting this life? I’d managed to find yet another man who wanted to conceal a horrible, awful truth rather than deal with a modicum of discomfort.
I would have never thought in a million years that Levi would be like that. He seemed to be unconcerned with the things the rest of capitalist society cared about. Then again, only people who could afford to could easily say they wouldn’t be a cog in the machine.
“Forget the research. Forget the article. Let. It. Go,” he said when I remained quiet, processing.
I looked up to find the man standing right in front of me. His nostrils were flared, red flushed up his neck as he narrowed his eyes, boring them into me.
He had the audacity to be mad at me?
“I don’t need your permission to write this article. I came here as a-a friend, or whatever, to tell you because I thought you would want to know. Now I see I misread the situation.” Again.
I felt sick, worse than the nerves had made me feel. I felt lied to, cheated once again by a man I thought I understood, thought I shared some of the same incorruptible scruples. I couldn’t even think about the feelings I’d been harboring for him right now without another wave of nausea. How was I so naive? How was I so susceptible to this type of man? How did I miss the signs around me?
Betrayed . That was the word. The familiar feeling that I fought so hard to protect myself from. Thinking I had all the information only to feel like the ultimate idiot.
Hot anger burned the back of my eyes as I twisted to shove past him and get out of there.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” He spun and kicked a large plastic bucket across the room.
I yelped, shoulders to my ears, racing now to the exit. He wasn’t violent, but I wouldn’t stay and play witness to his pouting either. Thank God, Ripley was still up at my cabin. I could only imagine how she would react to such an immature display of temper.
“Where are you going? We aren’t done talking,” he called after me.
“We really are. You don’t need an audience for your tantrum.” I was proud of myself for concealing my nerves.
“You always have to go too far,” he spat.
It was enough to get me to stop in my tracks, spin on my heels, and spit right back, “Excuse me? Just because I have a spine!”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” He stomped toward me, but this time, I held my ground.
Even now, I wasn’t actually afraid of him. I had once watched him carefully place each one of Ripley’s paws in a bootie even as she struggled. Despite his size, he was not a brute.
I couldn’t understand him, understand this rapid change in him. My arms flopped to my side in defeat. I wasn’t going to publish a story he explicitly told me not to. I was just so angry and helpless. “Don’t you want justice for your mother?”
He scoffed, eyes searching the ceiling for some answer. “Of course I fucking do! You don’t think this eats at me every single day? Why I couldn’t even go in that cabin for the last year? You think I chose this life of cowardice?”
“I-I don’t understand,” I said, feeling that I lost my footing the second I walked in here, like I was trying to walk up an ice-covered hill.
“I know you don’t, which is why I am telling you to leave it.” His words were more even-keeled, but the rage still pulsated out from him in his shoulders and clenched jaw.
“If you would only try to explain?—”
“Leave it.”
“But wouldn’t she want?—”
“No!” He tugged at his hair, eyes pinched tight. “It was her choice. Lily’s. I tried to get her to do something about the plagiarism. We all did.” He waved an arm toward the direction of town. “But she wouldn’t have a word of it. It was her choice to let him take her credit and run with it. She never tried to stop him. She didn’t care about the notoriety. More than that, it was her dying wish that I didn’t do anything posthumously. She never wanted to give him any of her energy. Her words.” He scoffed, and his jaw clenched on a tight smile. As the last wave of anger retreated, I could see now that all that was left was a desolate shore of sadness. “She swore the injustice didn’t matter. That she was happy. She still held this silly fucking idealism, even as she was wasting away from the illness that ate her from the inside out. ”
He sharply turned his head away as his eyes glistened. My mouth parted in shock. His words restructured all the thoughts I had filed away.
“I’m so sorry,” I said softly.
His Adam’s apple bobbed on a loud, tight swallow. “He left when she got pregnant. He never cared about either of us. He took what he wanted, and he left.”
I slumped back, realization draining blood from me so fast I felt dizzy. My fingertips and lips tingled from the shock of his revelation. “I-I didn’t know.”
And a minute ago, I had assumed the worst of this man when all he’d done was help and protect me since the moment I arrived. What was wrong with me?
“Why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone? Why did I have to show you that fucking room?” His voice went soft, and his head dropped, looking so hurt and vulnerable.
“I will. I’ll stop. I’m sorry,” I repeated.
This was what happened when I didn’t have all the information. People got hurt.
He finally lifted his gaze to mine, raw sadness etched in every line of his features. “It’s my fault. I should have known what the curiosity would do to you. Pandora’s box and all that.”
I winced as he looked away. Because I was a machine that never knew when to stop. I was the bad guy in this story, well, one of them, picking at an almost healed scab until it was raw and bleeding again.
My apologies felt empty. I wanted to tell him that I thought I was helping, that this had all been a deep dive in some backward way to try to help him heal.
But had it?
Had this been about me, once again seeking out the truth under the guise of righteousness when, really, I just wanted to be the one who figured it out first and put the pieces together? Did I want justice, or did I want validation?
My head spun from the adrenaline rush of the argument and the day of anxiety leading up to the confrontation. I felt buzzy and weird and unsure of all the swirling things in my mind.
Levi shifted and let out a sigh as he slumped into the chair.
This wasn’t about me. Not right now. I would process my complicated feelings later.
“Levi,” I said and stepped forward to place a hand on his arched shoulders.
With his head down and his strong shoulders wrapped in the soft material of his tee, he looked like a marble statue of a defeated demigod.
I couldn’t apologize enough, so I slowly stepped forward until our knees brushed. His breath stuttered, but a moment later, his legs widened. He grabbed my wrists and tugged me forward until no space was left between us. His forehead pressed against my chest, and he let me cradle his head. I could comfort. I could only give and not take.
“I think about it every damn day,” he said, letting himself exhale deeply, the warm air seeping through my sweater.
“How could you not?” I brushed the hair from his temple to run my fingers through.
“I don’t know what the right thing is in this situation.” His arms were looped behind my back, resting on my bottom. “I feel like I’m failing her. But it was her choice. I couldn’t dissuade her. She was so stubborn about this. If she didn’t care about justice, then anything I could do would be for my benefit. It would go directly against her wishes, and I just can’t.”
I inhaled and exhaled deeply. His words settled into me. If the person didn’t want justice, then any action would be done for selfish reasons. That resonated with me, and I tucked it away to process later. There would be no article about Lily Carmichael written by me. This family’s history was their own.
“You’re not failing her. You’re respecting her wishes. You just have to own that choice and make peace with it. It’s the fighting yourself that’s causing you trouble.”
He nodded against my sternum.
“You’re a good son,” I said.
His body tensed as he nuzzled deeper and pulled me tighter. “Thank you.” His mumbled words rumbled through me.
This was not how I thought this day would go, yet even now, knowing what I did, a part of me was disappointed that I wouldn’t get to finish the piece. That I would have to shift gears and find another trail to chase. A new plan. The entire prospect of starting all over again made me feel weary. I wanted to go to sleep for a week to make up for the frantic high I’d been existing on. As it quickly drained out of me, it left behind a void that felt dangerous .
Minutes passed, and Levi hadn’t released the tight hold on me. Actually, his thighs squeezed me closer. His forehead had started rubbing back and forth slowly. The awareness of that pebbled my nipples, and I stilled to see where this was going to make sure I wasn’t misreading the situation. His nose brushed against my breast, and a tremble of desire raised the hairs on my arm. I didn’t come here for this. I hadn’t meant to tease him after our last meeting, but I had gotten carried away in the work.
I wasn’t sure when the air shifted so drastically, but a heavy tension filled it now. I was all too aware of how his scent relaxed my shoulders, how his hands had moved at some point to grip my hips. His thumb moved in small circles, sending a tingling electricity to my core. There was so much want, so heavy and tangible in the little bit of space between us.
My hands gently pushed on his shoulders until he released me enough to look up at me.
“Are you okay?” I winced, biting my tongue to keep from apologizing again.
I didn’t want to cheapen it with overuse.
“Yeah.” His features were clearer and more relaxed now. “I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that. I’m embarrassed,” he said.
How marvelous that he could identify his feelings so easily in the moment. It would probably take me a week to work through the past ten minutes. This poor man. All the things that I couldn’t understand before slid into place. Every time he went to town and they spoke about his mother, all his insecurities and doubts were thrown back in his face. Every time he stepped foot in the Little Cabin, he would see those final moments with her, begging her to change her mind. The anger at a man he didn’t know who started his life and stopped caring there. It was why he had been hiding in the safety of his home, and I had dragged him out into the cold kicking and screaming.
“I would have never?—”
“I know,” he said. “If I had just been honest from the beginning, we would have avoided all this.”
“It’s a lot to unload on an almost stranger. Here’s some food. Also, here’s all my trauma.”
He chuckled softly. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Not everybody has a full-on episode and shares their current chaos upon first meeting,” I said, pulling a face to show my own awkwardness.
“Only the special ones.” He smiled up at me. It was criminal how handsome he was.
I bent and dropped a kiss on his temple without thinking. More tension melted from him. It was nice to be able to make somebody relax instead of clench with worry at my arrival. I kissed his other temple to keep things balanced, lingering a moment longer. His thumbs had worked under the fabric of my sweater and now brushed against the skin of my stomach, causing heat to settle heavy and low in me.
“You know,” he said slowly. “When you first showed up, I thought you were here for an entirely different reason.”
“And what reason was that?” I asked boldly, breathily .
His eyes darkened as he watched me, causing a swoop in my stomach. “Boredom.” His rumbling, heated voice was delicious.
“What a terrible bait and switch.”
He laughed before he cleared his throat. “And the funny thing is that I had just finally decided I wanted to stop holding back.”
The swoop swooped with even swoopier gusto. “Holding back?”
“From all the things I wanted to do to you. With you.” His eyes seemed to go completely black as they held mine. “Make a few addenda to the rules.”
A soft squeak came from me. He had to hear how loud my heart beat against my sternum.
“But I could understand if—” Here, his face grew pensive again, almost regretful. “If you’re no longer bored .”
“It was a very riveting turn of events.” I used a finger to lift his chin and lowered my mouth to hover just above his lips. “What I’m feeling is anything but boring.”
He closed the distance, and our lips met in a soft exhale. He pulled back too quickly.
“Claire, if you don’t leave right now, I won’t be held responsible for what happens.”
“Why would you be? There are two of us here. Don’t be so old-fashioned.”
“Nothing I want to do is old-fashioned,” he said before our mouths met again.
Nothing was stopping him, he’d said. But what had been stopping him before? What held him back that was no longer an issue? Was it the shame of his past? Or this final secret? This and other questions were quickly relocated to the back of my mind as his greedy tongue pushed into mine, making me moan in pleasure.
His fingers gently brushed my cheeks as his head tilted to kiss me deeper. He held me like I was something delicate and precious. At the same time, his hard length pressed against my hip. His tongue brushed mine so confidently, seductively. He took his time. His long, gentle kiss said he could do this forever. In contrast, I squirmed in impatience. I wanted to climb up on top of him or drag him up to his bedroom. I wanted him so bad. I wanted to feel him fill other parts of me, press me down, and feel the weight of him on top of me. I wanted every sense to be overcome by only him.
“Levi,” I gasped his name, surprised by an aching surge of tenderness in my chest.
I wanted to take care of him too. I wanted to remove his pain and long-suffering until he only felt my desire for him.