Chapter 32
Claire
I sat on the milk crate in the small unit, staring at all the stuff that needed to be loaded into the moving truck rental. It wasn’t too much, my desk and favorite couch that Kevin thought “clashed” with his aesthetic, and a few other boxes of memories and a small bed. The storage place was mostly abandoned on a cold winter day this close to Christmas, though occasionally, a bit of conversation or a door slam would drift to me. I could start loading the stuff, but I felt sad and cold and lonely. I studied all the doors next to my storage unit, wondering what secrets they held.
Did they all contain broken hearts and fresh starts? Or maybe I was projecting just a little.
My heart was well and truly broken. Worse than I ever thought possible. I didn’t believe I was capable of falling so fast, and there, love went and punched me in the face when I wasn’t looking. I thought I was smarter than that. I could outthink it. But Levi had been right, knowing all the information didn’t stop the pain. I just didn’t think he’d be the one to hurt me. I guess that’s how I should have known that it would be.
But I’ve been thinking a lot in the weeks since I left Levi and Cozy Creek, and I still couldn’t wrap my mind around how it all happened. Heartbreak aside, my pride had taken a massive blow. I thought I was a person who had ethics and morals and that would eventually count for something or matter. I never thought that Levi would assume something so awful about me, and that alone kept me from reaching out to him, no matter how badly I wanted to. Even when he sent me messages apologizing.
If he could think me capable of that, then I wasn’t the person he needed, and he certainly wasn’t what I needed. But then I would think about how deeply we connected on every possible level, and I would wonder if I wasn’t holding him to some unrealistic expectation. Shouldn’t he know better? Shouldn’t he do better?
What if he never even read the story and still had this awful version of me in his head?
I was stuck in limbo, and it sucked.
But as the days ticked by, and Kevin still had his cushy job, the paper continued to publish stories funded by evil corporate monsters, and people like Levi thought me capable of the most massive type of betrayal; I started to wonder if nothing actually mattered.
I had felt a glimmer of it. Hope. A moment of “it’s okay, nothing really matters, but people do.” And the time we have. That warmth from the night I danced with Levi as I watched the people of Cozy Creek celebrate another passing season, I had a little taste of humanity. The stories that I posted to my online journal. They were nothing but also somehow everything. There was good, humans were fun little silly things, and life was sweet.
But maybe life just sucked.
Maybe I needed a snack.
I sighed and wondered how much longer I could sit here in inactivity when my phone vibrated in my hand.
Normally, the sight of my dad calling wouldn’t cause an instant lump of dread in my throat like a hot ball of iron. I slid to answer the video call.
“Nooooo,” I whined by greeting.
“I know, Claire Bear, I’m sorry.” If Dad was calling me, then he wasn’t about to land, and if he wasn’t about to land, that meant he wasn’t coming. I ground my jaw to keep from whining anymore, but lately, I was like a brand-new little baby capable of crying for communication’s sake.
“They made us disembark,” he explained, looking haggard. People behind him were in similar states of distress and dishevelment. “We were all set and ready to go and deicing the wings, but the storm hit way bigger than they thought. They canceled all flights to and from Midway and O’Hare.”
“Damn. Damn.” My thighs were going numb from sitting on this milk crate, but all I felt like doing was melting into the personified version of “wallow.” Would I spend another desolate night in my storage unit? Would I be doomed to repeat the history I tried so hard to avoid?
What I really wanted to say was, “What the hell? Life was so unfair, and everything was dumb and stupid, and I hated everything.”
“What should I do?” I asked pitifully.
I was tired of making the next plan. I had been making one choice after another since Thanksgiving. Since college . I was tired of stupid grown-up life and stupid hard decisions. I just wanted to rest.
The plan had been for Dad to fly to Colorado Springs where all my stuff was in storage still, thankfully(?) and then we would drive down to Chicago, where I would reluctantly move into my childhood home because my life was a mixed-up cluster and all my strong morals and careful planning got me nothing at all.
“I really need to eat something,” I grumbled to myself.
“The earliest I can get out if the weather doesn’t get too bad is tomorrow, but it’s not lookin’ good, kiddo. Most likely two more days.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Don’t make the trembly looking face. It’s breaking my heart.”
“It’s not your fault.” I took a breath in and out. “I’m feeling sad and frustrated and unsure, but that’s okay, and it will pass. I won’t always feel this way.” Even as I said it, my bottom lip got more trembly .
“Aw, I’m so glad you like your new therapist. She is right. I know it sucks, but I will be there soon,” he said.
The therapist worked with me through some of the trauma of my mom’s sudden death when I was in college and the impact it had on me. It was constant work reprogramming my traumatized brain, but it was helping.
I nodded; my chin now wobbled uncontrollably.
The storage unit was a two-story concrete block with the appealing aesthetic of a prison. Fitting for how trapped I felt at this moment. I heard shuffling and clicking steps of shoes coming up the metal staircase and stilled.
I stared back at the screen. Maybe Dad was tricking me? But no, I very clearly saw the all too familiar look of Midway behind him.
My heart hammered with hope. Maybe it was Levi. Maybe he was about to come and apologize, solve all my problems, and whisk me away, as he had done so many times before. I slowly came to stand and stared in the direction of the approaching footfalls.
But he couldn’t. No man could. I had to figure this stupid adult stuff out on my own.
But the cadence wasn’t right. The shoes sounded too shiny to be Levi.
A man rounded the corner whom I never wanted to see again.
“Kevin?” Just when I thought my heart couldn’t sink any lower.
“Claire. Thank God, you’re okay.” He scooped me into his arms as though we were still a couple. As though it hadn’t been months since he kicked me out.
“Dad, I’ll call you back,” I said as I pushed myself free from his spindly arms.
“Was that Kev?” he asked.
“Hi, Ralph,” Kevin called as I ended the call.
The last thing I saw was my dad flipping him the bird, unbeknownst to my ex.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him.
“I wanted to see you before you left. I’m in town for a meeting and saw your car,” he said. That’s right, he had said that because, inexplicably, he continued to text me even though I never responded. I should have blocked him.
“Why? I have nothing to say to you?” I stood from the milk crate and pretended to look in my packed boxes.
“Don’t be like that. I’m here to help you.” He smiled, and I clenched my jaw.
“Come to New York. You can find work there. Now that all the stuff with the article is behind us, let’s get engaged.”
He got to his knee and pulled a black box from his pocket. My eyes widened, and I looked around for a hidden phone because surely this was the making of a viral video.
This was insane.
“This is insane,” I said.
Then it occurred to me. I never did know how he knew about me being fired before I did. He shouldn’t have known any of this …
Unless …
“You think your boss would be cool with you shacking up with the woman who almost brought down a different finance guy?” I asked tentatively.
He gave a small and condescending smile. “First of all, no, you didn’t. There was never any chance that article was going to get published. His pockets are way too deep, and he has way too many supporters. Anyway, they didn’t even care when I told them we were dating.”
“We aren’t dating.”
“But we were, and if you come with me now, we will be again.”
“Did you tell them about the article, Kevin?” I asked cooly, even as a fire raged up my esophagus.
“Like I said, it wasn’t going to get published anyway. It’s time to move past this and start fresh. You’ll love New York.”
My mind instantly thought of Cozy Creek and how comfortable I felt there. More so than I ever felt in the hustle and bustle of even Colorado Springs.
“Does every man think offering a place to live is some sort of golden ticket access to my heart?” I said.
“Has this happened more than just today?”
“You’d be surprised.” I sighed. “Kevin, even if I was desperate, I wouldn’t move in with you. Not now, not ever. We are not on the same page at all. I won’t be made to feel bad for having a moral compass, and I’m so much more than arm candy for your blooming career in New York, so you can go now. Your offer is ridiculous, and so are you. Please never talk to me again.”
“Come on, Claire, don’t be like that! I’m on my knees here. And this floor is really hard,” he whined.
Had I ever really loved this man? Having felt what I did for Levi, it was not possible. I was comfortable because I had, at some point, made the decision to be with Kevin, but I never loved him. The thought of it made me feel ill. Whatever I felt for him was gone and now replaced with oily regret that made my skin crawl.
“Am I interrupting?” a new voice said.
I turned to see Levi, a deep furrow in his brow, and Ripley’s head popping out of his sweatshirt.
“Levi?” I blinked.
I looked at where Kevin kneeled in front of me. Then, back at the man who I absolutely loved. I studied the strong line of his jaw covered in a five o’clock shadow, his deep, emotional hazel eyes that instantly made my knees weak. A flutter exploded in my chest. I had missed him so keenly that it was a physical pain. Handsome as ever. My arms ached, desperate to reach for him before I remembered our last interaction.
“Who is this?” Kevin asked, getting off his knees and finally putting that absurd ring box away.
“How did you even find me here?” I blinked in shock, still focused on Levi.
“Pace. Your dad wasn’t kidding when he said he knew people up in Cozy Creek.” Levi scratched at his chin, studying Kevin. He didn’t seem annoyed. If anything, he seemed slightly amused. I wondered how much he had heard. “I can come back if it’s a bad time.”
“What is happening right now? Can’t you see we are having a moment?” Kevin yammered.
Levi gave his most intimidating stare down his nose at Kevin. God, how could I have ever let Kevin touch me? Seeing them standing side by side wasn’t even a competition. One made me feel physically ill, the other, well, damn, the other lit me up and made me ache for him.
“Is that a dog in his shirt?” Kevin guffawed.
“No. He’s leaving,” I said, unable to break my eyes away from Levi and ignoring Kevin.
“Can anybody hear me?” Kevin said.
I stepped closer to pet Ripley. She wiggled wildly, trying to break out of his shirt as she licked my hand. I missed her. I missed him.
“I just wanted to try to catch you before you left for Chicago,” Levi said.
My shoulders slumped slightly. I couldn’t show my disappointment. And also, wasn’t I just saying that I didn’t want him to save me? He had hurt me. I wished my heart would remember that. Now my head and my heart weren’t even communicating. This was so frustrating. What was the correct balance to all this?
“Where’s your dad?” Levi asked. We still hadn’t broken eye contact, even as Ripley had moved into my arms. We were inches apart.
“His flight was canceled because of snow.”
At that, a little frown formed on Levi’s brow. “Are you okay?” he asked.
I felt my demeanor cracking. It was the dairy case all over again. One soft question and I felt my insides wanting to burst out of me.
Kevin moved closer to us. “Who is this guy, Claire?”
“I fucked up so incredibly bad, Claire. I have known your honor and your worth since the moment I met you. I should have never doubted it for a second. I didn’t. Not really. I messed up.”
“I’m sorry, what’s happening here? Are you groveling?”
“Why are you still here?” I asked Kevin, even as Levi’s words started to settle in.
“I’m here to grovel and get my fiancée back,” Kevin said.
“On what planet?” I scoffed.
“You should go,” Levi spoke to Kevin for the first time.
“I don’t know who you are?—”
Levi stepped an inch closer to Kevin, hardly even moving, but it was enough. Kevin flinched back.
“Screw this. I’m glad you got fired. I hope you’re happy together.” He stomped away, mumbling about what sort of woman meets a new guy in a few weeks or something along those lines. I had stopped listening. I was glad to have him gone.
“Please, carry on,” I said to Levi.
Ripley wiggled free from my arms, finding the blankets I brought to pack around the furniture for cushioning.
Levi waited until we couldn’t hear Kevin anymore before he turned back to me and held my hands. “I’ve known from the second I met you that you would shake my life up. But I was a chickenshit. I didn’t want my life shook up. I wanted to stay hiding and mourn, but not really. I wasn’t mourning my mother, though. I was in this awful holding pattern between self-disgust and doing nothing. When I told you how I felt about you, I felt small and insecure and a failure when you didn’t instantly return my feelings.” I looked down at our hands, but before I could speak, he went on. “But that wasn’t fair of me. If I know anything about you, it’s that you take your time to understand things. I should have been patient and waited.” He took a deep breath and prepared himself to speak. “Worse than that, though. When you brought the article to me, my pride took a deeper hit. I felt like an absolute failure. You had known the truth for weeks and saw it clearly when I couldn’t in thirty years.”
“You read the story?” I asked.
He nodded. “It was incredible, and you were right. That was how Lily should be remembered. Not whatever it was I was doing. You are brave and full of love. I was fucking stupid to let my own hurt get in the way.”
“Th-thank you,” I said.
A relief like I didn’t know I could feel suffused me. It shouldn’t matter what he thought about me, but it did. I cared about what he thought because I cared about him. “You are a good man, Levi. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were struggling with loss. I wasn’t close to it like you are. These things take time.”
“I wish I had your patience,” he said.
“I wish I had your emotional intelligence.” I shrugged a smile.
His thumb lifted to brush my dimple. “God, I missed those.” I smiled wider. “I just wanted you to know that everything I said was because I was an arrogant man full of pride and embarrassment for my actions. I never believed for a minute that you would do anything like what I accused you of. I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.” I lifted on my toes to lean into his touch.
He cleared his throat and stepped back. “But I am here to help you pack. I’m not here to ask for anything. Just help.”
I hid my disappointment and gestured to the area. “Well, it’s going to be a few days before I can leave, but I appreciate you.”
We talked all night as we worked, sometimes quiet, sometimes laughing. He told me what I’d missed in town. Apparently, there had been a lot of drama in the past few months, even outside of our little bubble at the cabin. We only stopped to eat the food he brought. It didn’t need to take that long. There wasn’t much stuff, but what should have taken an hour tops took half the night with our long, comfortable conversation. I had missed talking to him.
After the truck was loaded, all too soon, we sat side by side on the liftgate. Ripley snored loudly in the cabin.
“I miss you too,” I said boldly, my finger brushing his, thinking of his last text.
He swallowed audibly in silent space. “I miss you so much.” His jaw flexed before he added, “All the time.”
We missed each other. What did that mean now? Chicago was so far from Cozy Creek.
“Did you mean it? That day when I ruined everything?” he asked.
I turned to meet his hopeful yet guarded gaze. He was here. He still cared, and it meant more than anything .
I knew what he was referring to. I nodded. “I did.” It was my turn to swallow with effort. “I do .”
He let out a shaking breath. “I love you too,” he said.
We loved each other still.
Wasn’t that supposed to be enough? Weren’t we meant to have it all figured out now?
I slid my hand on top of his, and he stood abruptly.
“I meant when I said I didn’t come to ask anything of you. I just wanted to help.”
I felt his absence everywhere. The building felt cold and dark.
“Okay,” I said softly.
“I should probably get going.” He wouldn’t look at me, keeping his fists balled at his sides.
I stood too. Shouldn’t this part be easy? Why did it feel so hard and scary?
“I’m not asking for anything. I just wanted to tell you that your story changed me. It changed my life. I realized I was living in fear and labeling it as stoicism. You showed me courage and beauty and all that encompassed my mother and what she would want to have been remembered as.” He reached into his pocket and handed me a brochure. “I wanted to invite you to this. I know it’s last minute, but we are opening on New Year’s Eve.”
“Lily Carmichael Memorial Art Gallery. Levi, really?” I grinned up at him.
He blushed. “Pace had his friend Noah Cooper help make a website and all that stuff. I wanted to invite you.”
I nodded .
“It’ll feature some of my art.” He took a bracing breath and shuddered. “And some other locals have already expressed interest. Do you remember Lu Billings? She paints watercolor landscapes?” I nodded a smile, having recalled the pretty blonde who often popped up around town. “Anyway, should be good. Lord knows we can get those tourists to pay just about anything if we price it high enough.”
“This is amazing. Good for you,” I said, meaning it.
“You think you’ll make it?”
“I’m supposed to go back to Chicago. Dad said there was a temp job at the library where he volunteers.”
He nodded and took another step backward. “Also, I have these.”
He handed me several slips of paper with printed information. It took me a second to realize what I was looking at. “Rental agreements?” I asked, even more confused.
“If you need a place to stay. There’s one from Ruth’s place, though she will probably put you to work. There’s one for the apartment above the Confectionery and a few others. I wanted you to have options. I wanted you to know that you are wanted and welcome but also have autonomy. You are missed all the time, everywhere. But you have options, no matter what you decide. These will stay open through the New Year.” He held my gaze longer, something behind his eyes that made me want to reach for him.
“Oh. Wow, thank you.” I stared at the options laid out before me. He understood the need to protect myself, he didn’t try to control my future and I appreciated that more than he knew.
Yet there was one missing. A small hole in my heart pinched tight.
“Then there’s Little Cabin.” He handed me another sheet.
I bit back a small smile as I read the last sheet. “A list of rules?”
“You’re always welcome at the Little Cabin, but I wanted to make some new rules. But it’s there. You will always have a place to stay if you want it.”
My eyes tried to read the new list, but he put his hand over it. “You can read it later.”
“Thank you, Levi.”
“Whatever you decide, just let the others know if you can, sooner than later with the holidays.”
“Of course.”
I kissed Ripley goodbye and hesitated before leaning forward to hug Levi.
He shuddered a breath before wrapping me in the safety of him. I felt him inhale a deep breath in the crook of my neck, a small tremor in his body as he held me tight. We both held on too long, neither ready to let go. How could one pair of arms feel so much like a home I never had?
And just like that, he was gone, and I wasn’t ready for it to be the end. I wasn’t sure where we would go from here. I didn’t have a plan.
But I had a list of rules, and that was a start.