Chapter 3
CHAPTER THREE
NICO
I climbed the stairs to the second floor of the old Victorian that had been converted into an apartment building. The building itself was nice. The house was painted a dark blue with bright white trim around the windows and doors. Gingerbread accents adorned the corners of the wide front porch. Halfway up the building were three rows of rounded cedar shingles painted blue-green to accent the dark blue.
Luckily, the stairs leading up to the second floor were carpeted because Cody had raced up them ahead of us, vibrating with excitement. “Come on, Daddy! Hurry up! I want to show you my room and my toys and Uncle Zach’s piano.”
The three adults chuckled. “He’s so excited to have you here,” Zach said.
When we got to their apartment door, Cody was waiting outside, bouncing. Zach put his hand on my son’s shoulder. “Settle down, little man. Daddy’s right here.”
Cody’s bottom lip quivered, and I realized he was about to go from excitement to a full-on meltdown. I’d read about this in the books about children’s grief that I’d gotten from the prison library after I found out I was going to be released. I picked him up. “It’s okay, buddy. Let Uncle Zach open the door. Then we can go inside, and you can show me everything.”
“My room first,” Cody said with a pout.
I kissed his baby-soft cheek. “You got it.”
Zach mouthed the words “Thank you” as he unlocked and opened the door. We walked into a small entry hallway with a closet and an area rug where a large pair of work boots sat. By the size and the grease on them, I guessed they were Zach’s.
Zach hung his keys on one of a set of hooks mounted by the door. Cody tugged on the collar of my shirt. “Daddy, come on. Come see my room.”
Miguel held out his hand. “I’ll take your bag if you want. I’ll set it in the living room.”
I slid my bag off my shoulder and handed it to him. “Sure. Thank you.”
He bit his bottom lip, looking nervous. “So, we had to set you up in the living room because it was the biggest space. We got a sofa bed with a really comfortable mattress, and we found a small dresser for you to keep some of your clothes. We put a curtain across the doorway so you’d have some privacy and room darkening drapes on the windows so you don’t have to wake up with the sun.” He sighed softly. “I know it’s not ideal, but…”
I held up my hand. “You won’t hear any complaints from me. You and Zach are taking me into your home and giving me a chance to get to know my son. I would sleep on a concrete floor for that privilege alone.”
Miguel’s eyes got a little shiny. “It’s our pleasure. Really. We’re looking forward to getting to know you .”
My voice was thick when I answered. “Thank you.”
He smiled and pointed toward the kitchen. “We’ll be in there making lunch when you’re done.”
“And don’t forget ice cream,” Cody said.
“Don’t worry,” Miguel replied. “We’re going to get ice cream after we finish lunch.”
“Thank you for making lunch,” I said.
“No problem at all,” Miguel replied. “We have ham, turkey, and roast beef. What’s your preference?”
For a second, my brain short-circuited. My preference. Holy shit. I had choices now. “Um, roast beef. I haven’t had a good roast beef sandwich in years.”
“White, wheat, or rye,” Zach asked from the kitchen.
Again, I paused. “Rye. And mustard, if you have it.” Look at me making decisions.
“You got it,” Zach replied.
“Come on, Daddy,” Cody whined.
“Cody,” Miguel said firmly, “remember we talked about using your big-boy voice when you want something.”
“Okay.” Cody’s bottom lip protruded in the cutest pout, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. “Daddy, please come see my room.”
I kissed his cheek and put him down. “Show me the way.”
He pointed down a short hallway and started running. “This way!”
Cody’s room was a decent size for a kid’s room. He excitedly showed me all his Batman dolls. The walls were covered in Batman posters interspersed with a few posters from the movie Cars. He had his own little bookshelf with cardboard books about everything from Clifford the Big Red Dog to why squirrels lived in trees. All the books were put neatly away except for one. On the nightstand by his Lightning McQueen bed was a book titled Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman. I picked up the book and opened it. I read one line and almost lost it right there. I had to put it down. Next to the book was the picture of Allie that Cody had brought with him the first time he’d come to see me in prison. The picture he’d handed me when he told me his mother had died.
To my surprise, my picture was right next to Allie’s. I picked it up, confronted with a much younger version of myself on the beach in board shorts and a T-shirt. I was smiling and carefree. That guy was long gone. When I looked in the mirror now, I barely recognized myself.
Cody pointed at the picture. “You look different, Daddy. Your hair is short now, and you have lots of muscles and tattoos. Like Mr. Gabe and Mr. Marco.”
“Who are Mr. Gabe and Mr. Marco?” I asked.
“They’re my friends. They helped bring my toys and bed here so I could live with Uncle Zach and Miguel.”
“And Mr. Gabe and Mr. Marco have lots of muscles and tattoos?”
Cody nodded. “But you have waaaaay more tattoos.” He wrapped his little arms around me as far as they would reach. “But that’s okay. I like them. Can I get a tattoo, Daddy?”
I almost choked on air. I took a breath and said calmly, “Not right now, buddy. You have to wait until you’re eighteen.”
His bottom lip did that cute pout thing again. “But that’s forever.”
I chuckled. “It seems like forever right now, but it will go fast. Trust me.”
Before Cody could go into a meltdown, Miguel popped his head into the room. “Lunch is ready.”
“Peanut butter and jelly?” Cody asked.
“Yep,” Miguel replied.
“Yay!” Cody hurried out and toward the kitchen.
Miguel shook his head, smiling after my son. Then he leaned against the doorframe. “How are you holding up? I know it’s a lot to take in all at once.”
“It is. I’m not used to being able to go where I want.” I let out a short laugh. “Hell, even picking a sandwich today was a major decision for me.”
He frowned thoughtfully. “Huh. I guess it would be. Well, you let us know if we’re overwhelming you and you need space.”
“I will. And thanks. Thanks for everything. You and Zach have taken such good care of Cody.”
“It’s our pleasure,” he replied. “He’s a great kid.”
Cody’s voice came floating down the hallway. “Daddy! Miguel! Hurry up!”
We both chuckled and obeyed the summons.
I swear that sandwich was the best I’d ever tasted. After we finished lunch, we walked to a local ice cream parlor only a few blocks from the apartment. Ocean Grove was a small town on the Jersey Shore, so it wasn’t very busy in the middle of October. I was grateful for that because I wasn’t sure how I would handle crowds yet.
In prison, crowds were bad. It was easy to get hurt or even killed without the guards noticing until it was too late. You always had to watch your back.
Even though there were only four other people in the place, since it was the middle of the day on a weekday, I was still jumpy. When confronted with a choice of thirty different flavors of ice cream, I froze. I couldn’t decide. I finally settled on the same flavor Cody got—which made him happy.
After we got a table, I sat with my back to the wall, looking for exits and tracking newcomers as they walked in the door. Finally, Zach put his hand on my arm and asked quietly, “Do you want to leave?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “No. Cody’s having a good time.” I sighed. “I’ll get used to it.”
“I’m sure you will,” he agreed. “But you don’t have to do it all at once. It’s a lot.”
“Thanks, Zach. I appreciate it. I just want to get on with my life. There’s so much I need to do to be a good father to Cody.”
“You’ll get there,” he assured me. “We have your back.”
I just nodded. I knew they did. But I wasn’t so sure about my own ability to get myself back on track. I’d made a colossal mistake and trusted the wrong people. I’d paid for it with four years of my life, and I was convinced Allie would still be alive if I hadn’t gone to prison. That guilt lay like a lead weight on my chest, and I had no idea what to do about it.