Chapter 36
36
PIA
Dressed, I plopped on my bed, wondering how it was possible in just a few short weeks for me to have gone so far down this rabbit hole. Emilio was right about one thing. The heart could not be commanded, because if it could be I would make myself fall out of love with Mason this instant. He was probably also right about the whole talking thing, but I was too angry at the moment.
Mason knocked softly at the door. I did not tell him to come in.
The door opened anyway.
“Can we talk?”
Thankfully I was angrier than I was sad, at least for the moment. That fact was the only reason I’d been able to hold back tears.
“Sure,” I said as dispassionately as possible. While I wanted to throw my pillows at him, acting like a toddler wasn’t going to get us anywhere. On the other hand, I simply couldn’t let the obvious question go. “Why did you have sex with me knowing you were leaving?”
Mason sat on the opposite side of the bed from me. His jaw set, I could actually imagine him at that very moment in uniform, a military man who had been trained as a soldier. Who was more accustomed to giving orders than taking them.
I’d known he was a hard man from the day we met, and yet I fell for him anyway.
“I didn’t have sex with you, Pia. We made love.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve fallen in love with you.”
Those were the very last words I ever expected to hear. As I stared at him in stunned silence, words escaped me.
“Even so,” he continued, “I had no intentions of doing that when I came. I wanted you to be the first to know and was about to text you when you asked me to come over.”
“You had all night to tell me,” I managed, still in shock over his words. It made no sense. He loved me. But was leaving?
“I know. And I should have done it sooner. But I don’t want to hurt you, Pia. And I know full well that’s what I’m doing by going back to the city.”
“I don’t get it. You just said you’ve fallen in love with me. But are you leaving?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. But that makes no sense.”
“Can I come closer?”
It wasn’t the words but the way he said them that dissipated any remaining anger. It was as if this was harder for him than me, which wasn’t physically possible.
I nodded.
Mason scooted across the bed. Took one of my hands and clasped it between both of his. They engulfed mine completely. Protector’s hands. But wasn’t he the one I needed protection from?
“I’ve been scared before. Any Ranger who says otherwise is a liar. Or cop, for that matter. But I was trained for that. No amount of training has prepared me to deal with losing my father, being forced to make a major life decision so quickly or meeting you. I have no idea if this is the right choice, I just know that if I stay here, I will never be able to leave you.”
“And that’s what you want? To leave me?”
“Part of me doesn’t want that at all. But there’s another part of me that wonders if I’ll miss the force if I quit now. I wonder, if I stay, will…”
He stopped. At the most important part of his speech, he stopped.
“Will what?”
If he wasn’t clearly hurting so much, I’d pull my hand from his and punch him.
“Will I end up heartbroken.”
Like his dad.
“Mason, you do understand that’s a huge leap, to compare yourself and your father? I’m fine. Fit as a fiddle. Besides.” I tried to add some brevity to an otherwise extremely heavy discussion. “We aren’t even girlfriend and boyfriend. That’s a long way away from something more serious.”
“I know,” he admitted. “But if I stay, it won’t be.”
Holy shit.
Was he saying that he was afraid if he stayed we would… get engaged? Married? How did a guy who couldn’t even commit to a long-term relationship make such a leap?
Would I say yes?
Was that even a question? Telling him my own feelings, that I loved him too, seemed futile at this point. For all this talk, he was going back.
“I honestly don’t know what to say. This is the most confusing breakup ever.”
“Maybe it’s not a breakup.”
Had he truly lost his mind? “Meaning?”
“What if we take it one step at a time. Instead of defining anything, just take it as it comes.”
“Practically speaking, that means what? Date other people? But when you come back for a visit”—I waved my free hand toward the bed—“end up here? Making love? Without the actual love part? I’m not sure it works like that.”
“I wouldn’t put it quite like that. I do love you, Pia. And maybe it can work like that, for now.”
I wanted to tell Mason I loved him too. But if he truly loved me, he wouldn’t want to see me with another person. But I held back. Was it possible for two opposite things to be true? Like when you loved someone but had to let them go, for your own well-being. But you were also sad even though you were the one to walk away.
Could I really love this man, watch him leave, and not fall apart every time we were together, but not really together?
“I honestly have no idea if that would work,” I admitted. “I’m not a robot.”
“Like me, you mean?”
I was going to tease, “If the shoe fits,” but didn’t think Mason would appreciate the humor right now. Plus, I wasn’t really in the laughing mood.
“I don’t have the answers, Pia. All I know is that quitting my job so unexpectedly doesn’t feel right. Maybe with a bit of distance between us…”
This was ridiculous. “You’ll find answers? Like me more?” I tried to pull my hand away. Mason held firm.
“It’s not possible for me to like you more,” he said. “If you think so, you haven’t been listening. I get that this is unconventional. And selfish, on my part. I should let you go. I’ve never been this indecisive in my life and wouldn’t blame you a bit if you told me to go screw myself. But this is also the most honest I’ve ever been, and the simple fact is… I don’t know if I’m ready to retire as a cop. I don’t know if I’d cut it as an innkeeper full-time. And I don’t know if I can get past being scared as hell of enduring the kind of heartbreak my father did for most of his life. The only things I know for sure are that I’m confused as hell, and that I absolutely love everything about you, even though that scares me.”
The pain in his eyes, the way his voice cracked as he spoke… This was an entirely different Mason. And also a truthful one. I never in a million years would have thought Mason would ever admit to being scared.
“My God, what a mess.”
“I hate to say I told you so but…”
I swatted him with my free hand. “You’re not helping.”
He grabbed my wrist. Grabbed both of them actually. And in two seconds flat, he had me pinned to the bed. We stayed like that for what felt like hours, staring at each other. I told him, without words, that I’d fallen in love with him too. Mason told me, by the way he looked into my eyes, that he was as confused and sincere as he’d proclaimed.
It was messy.
Likely, would be disastrous.
Casually dating someone you loved, who was also your boss, might have been the worst idea in history. The only thing I could imagine even worse than that? Never making love to this man again.
So instead of giving him an answer with words, I lifted my head off the bed. Our lips met.
We were done talking, for now.