Chapter 13 #2
“We left the party together,” he interrupts.
“You’d been getting closer to me all night, and I decided I was done pretending I didn’t want you.
So, when you asked me to leave with you, I did.
I was on fucking cloud nine, walking that road and holding your hand.
It was like I finally figured out who I was.
Like I was finally me. Suddenly it didn’t matter that I was straight, because at that point, I wasn’t sure what the fuck I was.
All that mattered was that I was with you, and that felt right. ”
“Eric,” I whisper.
He shakes his head without looking at me.
“We got to my dorm, and you asked me if I was sure. And I was, Dmitri. I’d never been so sure of anything.
You kissed me like I’d never been kissed before, and god, the things you said to me.
I was so fucking gone for you. Next thing I know, we were on the extra bed in my room, and you were… we were…”
His eyes are hesitant when they meet mine, but whatever he sees makes him continue. “We fooled around. I had no idea what I was doing, but you did. You made me feel so good, and you…” He pauses, his throat moving with a nervous swallow as he trails off.
I long to comfort him, but I can’t risk spooking him. All I can do is wait.
After a few breaths, he continues. “You… took care of me. Just with your hand, but it was better than any sex I’d ever had, because it was us. I wanted you, wanted everything, and you told me we should slow down, but I wouldn’t listen. I begged you to fuck me.”
No.
Fuck, no.
My hand flies to my mouth as my eyes prickle, confused and furious and a million other emotions hurricaning through my mind as he struggles to say the next words.
“I wasn’t prepared. Didn’t have condoms or lube, and you offered to grab some from your room. Before you walked out, you threw me against the wall and kissed me again. And do you know what you said to me before you left?”
I shake my head, too choked on my emotions to speak.
“You promised me we'd never forget that night. And then you left. Thirty minutes went by, and I told myself it was the walk to your room that was taking so long. But an hour passed, then two. The longer I sat there, the more I sobered, and I was so fucking confused. I was angry, and distraught… fucking heartbroken. Alone. Completely alone.”
A tear spills from my eye at the image of Eric sitting there, waiting for me when I’d never come back. He thought I’d left him after he’d finally opened himself up to me. The realization that we’d acted on the intense feelings we had for each other, and I can't even fucking remember it…
This is too much.
This hurts too much.
He lets out a laugh that's halfway to a sob. “When the sun came up, I fucking broke. I spent the entire weekend in bed, trying to figure out what the fuck I’d done wrong and why you hadn’t come back. Why…” His voice catches as another tear spills from my eye. “Why I wasn’t good enough.”
A shaky breath leaves me as I stand, wanting to go to him but unsure if he wants me anywhere close to him. His damp eyes meet mine, and he drags the back of his hand across one side.
“Eric,” I croak.
He drops his gaze to stare at the floor.
“The next time I saw you was that Monday. You were waiting on me outside of class, and I somehow found the courage to approach you. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Kiss you… punch you? Scream, yell, or cry? But you looked at me and smiled like nothing had changed, when everything had changed.” Another quiet sob works its way from his throat, and he scrubs his hands over his face as his tears fall.
Reality sinks in and brings with it a wave of pure anguish. My heart…
God, my heart.
I clutch at my chest, desperately trying to contain the splintered pieces inside. But it’s like catching smoke with your bare hands. Impossible.
So fucking futile.
His pain is laid out before me, and everything I’ve been holding onto for six years spills out and adds to the wreckage at our feet.
Regret—so much regret—and self-loathing, along with an endless sense of loss.
This whole time, I thought he shut me out, but it was me who ruined our chance at being together.
I was our downfall.
A bitter laugh escapes him as he meets my eyes again. “I was a mess. My eyes were swollen, skin a blotchy mess, and you looked at me for a second in silence. Then you asked me—”
“If you’d survived the weekend,” I finish in a whisper.
He nods, wiping at his eye again. “Then you told me I looked rough. I almost couldn’t do it. I almost ran, but I made myself say the words. I asked you what happened after the party, and why you'd disappeared. And you said—”
“Eric,” I plead again as the memories rush me in a wave of dread.
“You laughed, Dmitri. You laughed right in my face and said you regretted it. That you were tired, that you knew better, and that you'd gotten it out of your system and needed to sleep it off.”
“The drinking,” I manage to say. “I was talking about the drinking. I didn't remember… I still don't remember. I would never…”
Eric shakes his head with a rough swallow that dips his throat.
“I knew right then I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be your friend.
Couldn’t pretend that what we did was nothing.
What happened between us changed me, Dmitri.
It split me in two and made me question everything about who I am.
Questions that I’ve never been able to answer, even all these years later.
So, I ran. And I kept running until the day you showed up at my door, acting like you hadn’t ripped my heart right out of my chest. Still pretending you hadn’t damaged me to the point where I believed I could never recover. But you had, Dmitri. You broke me.”
He gives his head a small shake as his eyes turn anguished. “You were right. I never forgot that night.”