Chapter 1
Tai
These days, being the third wheel isn’t the exception.
It’s the fucking rule.
Two of my friends will ask me to go out, but it’s always painfully obvious they’re only doing it out of pity. It’s a sympathy invite, because I am hopelessly, undeniably, pathetically single. So much so that I say yes just to avoid being alone with myself.
I agree to a boys’ night out, then spend the next three hours watching them make out and eye-fuck each other as if I don’t exist. By the end of it, I’m always left questioning every life choice that led me to that moment in time.
The whole thing is awkward and soaked in regret, and the worst part?
My libido always gets traitorously excited from watching them maul each other.
But I can’t leave the feeling behind or isolate it to weekend nights.
No, I have to take that sensation, multiply it by two, and stretch those three miserable hours into five days a week, because holy shit, my bandmates are some horny motherfuckers.
They’re coupled up and happy while I’m left staring at the wall whenever things get too intense.
Theo tucks his bass guitar into its case, and the sharp snap of the latches pulls me out of my head. “Why do you always look like you just stepped out of a damn magazine?” he asks, tilting his head.
My gaze drops to the white spot on his bottom lip that is decidedly not toothpaste. That, combined with the flush on his cheeks, completely kills any chance of playing dumb. He and Dante must’ve just wrapped up another ‘secret’ bathroom blowjob.
I suppose I should just be grateful it happened somewhere else this time.
Between the two of them and Eric and Dmitri, I’m constantly surrounded by people who can’t keep their hands off each other. It’s an annoyingly efficient reminder of just how long it’s been since someone’s hands have been on me.
I’d kill for a bathroom blowjob right now. Hell, I’d be over the moon for a half-hearted handie if it meant taking the edge off this constant tension.
Theo heaves a dramatic sigh and flops onto the couch. “Alright, you’re embracing the strong and silent vibes today. I can appreciate the aesthetic.”
My eyes drop to his cum-stained lips once more. Maybe I should tell him.
“Wasn’t aware you needed a response,” I finally say, but I instantly regret the sharpness in my tone. My fingers twitch with the old familiar itch for a cigarette, despite the fact that I quit more than ten years ago.
“Compliments always need a response,” Theo says, clutching his chest as though the very idea has personally offended him.
“There are no exceptions. Consider this your overview of Flattery Etiquette 101. When I tell you that you look good, you’re supposed to argue back and say I look way better than you do.
Then I laugh and blush, and we take turns showering each other with praise and adoration. ”
“When does it end?”
“When one of us dies,” he deadpans, rolling his eyes with dramatic flair.
This time a small chuckle slips out of me before my attention drifts to the others heading our way.
Eric plops down onto the cushion beside me while Dmitri settles on the armrest next to him.
Their hands are clasped together in Dmitri’s lap, because neither of them can stand not touching the other.
Dante puts his guitar away and gives Theo a quick kiss.
He quickly wipes the white streak from his lips before sitting down and pulling Theo into his side.
My chest tightens just a little more. Jealousy rears its ugly head, and it stings harder in moments like this.
I’m happy for my brothers. I am. They’re incredible guys who have gone through hell and back to find each other.
Eric fighting his way through years of internal demons and Dmitri slowly righting every wrong from their complicated history.
Dante finally moving past his insecurities while Theo learned to stand up for both of them.
They deserve every ounce of happiness in the world.
Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to be the one left singled out.
Eric knocks his knee against mine, raising his brow in a silent question.
He has this annoying, almost supernatural ability to see straight through my blasé exterior.
He’s never actually called me out on it, though sometimes I wish he would.
A small, traitorous part of me is begging to be seen.
Begging for someone, anyone, to notice that something is wrong.
That the smile I wear is just a little off-kilter.
If anyone noticed, it would be Eric. He and I are the closest in the group, and over the years we have gotten the best at reading each other’s silent cues.
For a long time I watched the anger simmering just beneath his surface, lying in wait and threatening to explode at the smallest spark. He was so mad.
And maybe that’s exactly why we clicked so well.
For all that turmoil churning inside him that was building and desperate to break free, inside me there was nothing.
I could ground him when the fire burned too hot, and when those intense emotions finally leapt out and licked my skin like flames, he could make me come alive.
He could stir an ember of hope that let me believe there was something out there for me.
Something more than this numb detachment, something more than just being…
“…cool.”
I clear my head with a quick shake. “Sorry, what did you say?”
Theo gives me another pointed eye roll before stretching out on the couch. He snuggles deeper into Dante as if he’s toying with the idea of drifting off for a nap. “I said, I’m jealous because I don’t know what you did in a past life to be born so cool.”
There’s that word again.
Can’t they see it’s all a front? Unflappable is my default setting, but it’s just a mask. Behind the safety of its cover, I can pretend to be the guy who lets nothing get under his skin. I can be serene, put-together, and completely fucking fake.
Stress I can handle.
Turbulence, flaring emotions, and explosive anger… those I can deal with.
It’s the in-between that I hide from.
The quiet moments when I’m alone with my own thoughts.
The peaceful silence when my brain has no distraction from everything I’ve ever done wrong in my life, and everything I’m missing.
That’s when it hits—the unmistakable sensation in my gut that screams there has to be more than this.
Something greater than this, something beyond the ordinary.
Something life-changing.
There just has to be.
Because if I’m here, months away from leaving on an international tour, surrounded by more success and wealth than any of us could have imagined, and I’m still not content? What does that say about me?
What does it leave?
It dawns on me that they’re all staring, waiting for me to respond. If I don’t speak up, they’ll get so absorbed in each other that they’ll forget I’m here. That’s not me being emo, although I’ve gotten quite skilled at that lately. It happens regularly these days.
They’re still watching. I don’t have it in me to tackle Theo’s comments about how put-together I am, so I skip them altogether.
“Don’t forget I’ll be out of town for the next two weeks,” I say, forcing a smile.
Eric bumps our knees together again while Dmitri eyeballs me from beyond him. Even with their wedding quickly approaching, Dmitri has reservations about my relationship with Eric. Frankly, I find it to be hilarious, considering Eric is the last person I would ever imagine myself dating.
Once upon a time, I wished that could have been different, because at least he makes me feel something. He’s so goddamned explosive, though, and he needs someone to combust with him. Fabricated or not, he has no use for my particular brand of Zen and zero patience for this facade of outer peace.
He’s like my brother, and neither of us has ever wanted more.
It’s fun to mess with Dmitri, though. I reach over and squeeze Eric’s knee, never breaking eye contact with the Russian giant as his eyes narrow. I can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of me. I shouldn’t poke the bear, but he makes it so easy to get a rise out of him.
“Headed on vacation without us?” Eric asks, his voice still raspy from practice.
“Wedding,” I say, leaning back into the cushions. “My cousin’s getting married at this all-inclusive resort, and they’re putting the bridal party up for a week.”
Theo perks up. “Oooh, groomsman, noice. There’s a fun little fantasy you can play out.” He launches into a ridiculous bow-chicka-bow-wow porn groove, thrusting his hips into the air, while Dante heaves a deep, exhausted sigh beside him.
“Bridesmaid, actually,” I say with a wink.
Theo’s jaw drops as he scrambles to sit up. “Wait a gosh-darned second… are you wearing a dress and not inviting me along to see?”
My laugh comes easier as I gesture at my combat boots and leather jacket. “Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t have the legs for it like you do.”
“Debatable,” Eric teases as he jabs my side with his elbow.
Dmitri’s nostrils flare as he glares at my ribs like they offended him, then squeezes Eric’s hand to steal his attention back.
Theo leans forward, resting his chin on his hands. “You’re going to have to elaborate a little more for me. Are you going to wear a color-coordinated shirt or tie to match the ladies?”
“Nope, I’ll be rocking a lilac suit.”
Theo looks like he’s having heart palpitations. “Holy shit, you will be so handsome. Someone is going to fuck you in that suit, no question.”
I choke on a laugh. “What?”
He stares dreamily at the ceiling. “I’m just saying, the probability is very high. When some hot groomsman has you bent over in a janitor’s closet, and your lilac pants are around your ankles, I want you to remember it was my prediction that put you there.”
“Theo, I love you, buddy, but if that happens you’ll be the furthest thing from my mind.”
“Rude,” he quips.
“Do you want to get fucked in the janitor’s closet?” Dante murmurs in his ear. Theo’s eyes grow wide enough to dominate his entire face.
There it is. That’s my cue to wrap this up.
“I tacked on a few extra days to my stay so I can enjoy the peace and quiet without all the wedding bullshit. My phone will be off, and I won’t be responding to anything that isn’t one hundred percent urgent.
” Theo’s mouth opens, but I point at him before he can get a word out. “Fashion advice is not urgent.”
“Again, rude,” he mutters.
Eric frowns beside me and half-turns toward Dmitri. “Should we be putting our wedding guests up in a resort?”
“We’ll do whatever you want, baby,” Dmitri says, wrapping his fingers around the nape of Eric’s neck and drawing him closer. He’s so whipped it’s not even funny. Eric could ask for clowns and elephants, and Dmitri would already be halfway to the circus to scout ideas.
Dmitri’s eyes stay locked on mine as their lips meet. It’s an obvious act of possession. He wants me to know he’s watching me, just like he wants me to know exactly who Eric belongs to. Trust me, buddy. We all know.
I stand and cross my arms, momentarily captivated by the smooth way Dmitri pushes Eric down onto the cushions and settles himself on top. My gaze is drawn to the drumsticks poking out of his back pocket, and jealousy twists my stomach until the back of my throat burns.
I’m happy for them.
I am.
“Right,” I say, taking an uncomfortable step back. “I’ll see you guys in a couple of weeks.”
“Have fun!” Theo chirps from Dante’s side, while Eric throws his hand up in a distracted wave from beneath Dmitri’s bulk. The all-too-familiar rise of panic surges through me as I force my body to cooperate.
Breathe.
Air fills my lungs, and I hold it for three… two…
Breathe.
As I release it, the tension slowly drains from my shoulders in small fractions. I swallow hard, pushing past the ball of anxiety that swarms inside my gut. No one pays any attention as I lift my hand in a quick wave and turn away, coaching myself through each breath while I hurry toward the door.
“I wish I could be that cool,” Theo murmurs from behind me.
Every step feels like I’m one second from cracking wide open, so I move faster, desperate to escape before I fucking scream.