19. Chloe #2
“I’ll come with you.” She starts putting her books away and stands up. I link my arm around hers while we head out the door before telling the professor I am going to get some fresh air. He nods in understanding and says to head out for the day and get some rest.
When we emerge outside, the sun is gone.
The skies are covered with thick gray clouds, and I look up in a panic.
There is no sun to warm my face, to comfort me.
My ears start to ring, and I look around.
Annika links her arm around mine again, leading me away from the building.
I am barely registering where she is leading me; all I can think about is the text replaying in my head.
I want to text him again. I need him to respond. I need him to tell me he loves me back.
My vision is blurry. All I can make out are people and buildings.
I don’t know if they are anyone I recognize or places I’ve been.
Annika is leading me somewhere. I feel like I’m suffocating.
I nearly shut my eyes when she leads me into a building with a familiar, calming smell.
I try to remember what my middle school counselor told me to help me relax.
Breathe, listen to the sounds and scents, and focus on my breath.
The air is calm and still. The busy sounds of the outside are immediately quieted, and all I hear are murmurs.
I breathe in the scent of freshly turned pages and countless stories.
I blink my eyes and will myself to relax.
I turn my head up to the warm, yellow lights of the library, which aren’t quite as warming as the sun but still offer a hint of comfort.
We make our way to our favorite corner, Annika’s arm still linked with mine.
Two large armchairs with a small table in between are tucked in the far back corner, away from the front door.
I found this spot earlier in the year and find myself retreating here whenever I need alone time.
It is my sanctuary, and Annika knew it was the exact spot I needed to be, even if I didn’t realize it myself.
We each take a chair, and she pulls out a textbook and her laptop, resuming the work she was doing in our lab.
I push myself into the chair so my back is flush and bring my knees up to my chest, draping my dress over them.
For a while, I sit like this. Without saying a word, Annika lets me.
I look up at her and want to tell her what happened with Dane.
I know she’d tell me to go hang out with him, but I don’t want to. I want to be with her.
I also know she won’t like what he said, so I choose not to say anything.
I’m afraid she’s going to say what I fear most, that I can’t have it.
But I can’t let go. Being with him is exhilarating.
I can only guess this is what it feels like to take drugs, constantly chasing the high.
I’m at the bottom of the pit and live to feel the thrill of being loved again.
To feel his arms wrapped around mine, skin to skin.
To feel that I am the only thing in his world that consumes him, because that’s what he is to me.
I need to feel that high again, and I can’t tell Annika all these things because she wouldn’t understand.
She’s never been able to let go and love.
So, I sit here and don’t tell her what happened.
I feel like she knows the gist anyway. She knows me too well.
We sit silently in the library for an hour until Annika closes her books and looks up at me.
“You hungry?” she asks. I nod. We stand up and make our way over to the dining hall. I let all my thoughts about Dane consume me, and sink into a trance-like state. I try not to let Annika’s concerned looks affect me. She’s accustomed to this, to me shutting down.
Even though I know I shouldn’t expect Dane to attend my art show today, I wish he would.
He ghosted me this whole week. I’ve gone through waves of texting him things I’m doing, sending pictures of things we’ve joked about, and asking him questions.
He doesn’t respond to any of them. There is a pit, deep in my belly, swirling around.
I can feel it alive in me. Each day it crawls up higher.
Today, it’s sitting in my chest, stiff and constricting. I can barely breathe.
I put on a happy mask as I present my artwork. I spend the whole time looking around for him, wishing he would come by in a grand gesture and buy up all my art. I push away negative thoughts about him because I don’t believe it will bring him back, but I’m worried I’ve lost him.
Six Years later
My world is falling apart. Everyone I’ve known and loved is leaving or has already left me.
Why can’t I make people stay? I can draw them in and have fun with them, but then something about me doesn’t allow me to linger in their life.
I realize this and desperately try to grab them, keeping them near me.
But that pushes them away even more so. Perhaps my life will always be like this, temporary people coming in and out of my life like I’m a library book.
“I’m going to be alone,” I mutter, curled inward in the passenger seat of Annika’s car.
This day is perhaps the worst day of my life—even more so than the day my dad left.
Annika tried to tell me the news gently because she knew I’d freak out.
I am aware I have attachment issues, but she’s my best friend.
I love her and her family more than anyone.
She’s moving. She hates her life in San Diego, unbeknownst to me, and is moving to a small town that sounds fake. I’ve gone through so many waves of emotions this evening. Shock, sadness, guilt, relief, happiness, and then shock again. It’s just another thing to add to my crumbling life.
I let myself go back to Dane. Over and over again, even when he wasn’t the right fit for me anymore.
I knew this. I knew it when we got back together several months ago.
I think I knew it back during our first big fight.
This past year, we took the longest break yet.
It was my choice, I guess. I had given so much of myself to Dane and wanted to see if there was someone else out there for me.
I occasionally dated other guys, but didn’t let them get too close.
I found myself not trusting myself around them. I didn’t trust them with my heart.
Then, a few months ago, I ran into Dane at the beach, and we talked for a long while.
We decided to try again. And so, we did, and it was good for a while, but it was so different than before.
He didn’t like it when I left my clothes at his apartment, so I took a giant duffel bag every time I stayed the night.
He also never wanted me to stay more than two nights.
He said, “We should pretend like this is new, start fresh.” But I had a deep feeling that he was seeing someone else at the same time.
He didn’t keep any of my photographs or drawings at his place.
One day, I tested it. I left a drawing I scribbled under a magnet on his fridge.
The following day, it was gone. I looked all over and never found it.
I know I shouldn’t have gone to his place tonight.
I know I shouldn’t have taken a copy of his house key, but I don’t think I would’ve caught him in the act otherwise.
I needed to see him physically cheating on me.
And now Annika saw too. I lost it. I blacked out and started throwing things.
I’m not even upset at him. I’m upset at myself for letting him in my life for so long.
To leave such a deep wound in me. To ruin my ability to trust.
“You’re not going to be alone,” Annika says, interrupting my thoughts. I look over and her fists are clenched around her steering wheel, tight, like she’s trying to will her way forward.
“What do you mean? You are moving to Scarlet Hills, and I’m going to be here alone. Maybe I can move back in with your parents in Ojai. I’m sure they miss me.”
“You aren’t moving back to Ojai, and it’s Auburn Hills, not Scarlet Hills.”
“Where else am I supposed to go? I can’t stay here.”
“You’re coming with me.”
“What!” I say, fully turning in my seat. I quickly try to picture what that would look like for me, except it’s blank. I have no idea what that future looks like.
“What will I do there?” I ask.
She shrugs. “I don’t know, I guess what you’re doing here, but up there. Every little town has a bookstore.”
A small-town bookstore sounds appealing.
It’s not like I have a day job like Annika did.
I am doing absolutely nothing with my marketing degree by being an assistant manager at a bookstore chain.
But the tidiness and quiet routine of the store calms my mind.
It relaxes me to be there and see all the new books.
Plus, I can read all day long, which is something Annika and I have always agreed is the best way to spend a day.
I love my coworkers, but I hate my manager, so transferring to a different location would be nice.
I always see postings in the break room about other locations that are hiring.
I could do this. I could move. Besides, if I’m with Anni, I can be anywhere.
“Okay, let’s move,” I say.
“Really?”
“Yes, I’m in. Let’s go.”
“We are going to start fresh. Leave all the bad vibes behind in San Diego,” she says.
Auburn Hills, here we come.