TWO
I COME TO A decision. I’ve pined for long enough. I need to forget Quezada (at least temporarily), be practical and get a job. Preferably one with a six-month contract.
Placing my laptop on the table, I arrange a row of cue cards and pens beside it, make an espresso and then start browsing employment websites.
I should have done this sooner , I think – at least a couple of months ago – but I just kept hoping that some kind of opportunity would come up with Quezada.
Since it hasn’t, however, I need to devote today to finding employment.
An hour later, I have a list of possibilities and a satisfying sense of being back in control.
It might sound weird to some people, but I find lists inherently soothing.
There was a time when I maybe went a little too far with them – get out of bed, get dressed, brush teeth – but now I’m in a much better headspace, and I know how to stay there.
‘Dan!’ My brother’s apparel is an even bigger surprise.
Instead of his usual smart suit, he’s dressed in blue shorts, a Nirvana T-shirt and a pair of new and expensive-looking Nike trainers.
More alarmingly, he’s clutching the edge of my doorframe, his copper-brown curls damp with sweat as he bends over and gasps for breath.
‘Have you –’ I peer closer – ‘been jogging?’
‘Yes.’ His green eyes, the same seaweed shade as my own, glance up and then away. ‘Don’t look so shocked.’
‘I can’t help it. I thought jogging was my thing, not yours.’
‘I’ve just started.’
‘ OK .’ I make a face because he’s still panting really hard. ‘No offence, but I’m not sure you’re doing it right.’
‘Because I’ve just started. Are you going to let me in or not?’
‘Well, since you asked so nicely.’ I open the door wide. ‘Why aren’t you at work?’
‘I had some holiday owing, so I took a long weekend. Then I thought I’d come and visit my little sister so she could interrogate me.’
‘Sorry!’ I laugh, as I lead him through to the kitchen. ‘It’s just that you don’t usually drop by.’
I wave him into a chair as I head to the sink and pour a glass of water. Dan and I have always been close, but it can be hard to find time to hang out together when he’s so busy working as a business analyst for some huge multinational, with an equally busy medical-student fiancée, Hailey.
‘So, what’s with the jogging?’ I ask, handing him the water as I take a chair opposite.
‘Thought I’d try something new.’ He sprawls backwards, downing the water in a few gulps. ‘You know, get into shape.’
‘That’s great. I can devise a programme for you, if you like?’
‘No!’ He answers a little too quickly. ‘I mean, no offence, but I can manage.’
‘Fair enough.’ I lean forward. ‘Now tell me the truth. Did Mum and Dad ask you to come by and make sure I’m OK, now that Maisie’s moved out?’
‘How –?’ He puts the glass down on the table with a thud. ‘All right, yes.’
‘Why?’ I throw my hands up in exasperation. ‘I told them I was fine. I even told them I was going to Monaco. I sent Mum a photo from the yacht!’
‘They still worry.’ Dan looks sheepish. ‘And that’s not the only reason I’m here. I’ve been meaning to visit for a while.’
‘Well, that’s OK, then.’ I arch an eyebrow. ‘But just out of interest, how often should I expect one of these spontaneous visits? Is it an occasional thing or did you promise Mum you’d do a recce every couple of days?’
‘It wasn’t a formal arrangement. Not everyone is as organized as you.’ He glances at my laptop and cue cards. ‘What are you up to anyway?’
‘Applying for jobs. Making lists and using my highlighters. You know how much I love doing that.’
‘I do.’ His lips twitch into a smile. ‘So I know you probably have your day all planned out, but I wondered if you’d like to jog with me? I’ll treat you to lunch afterwards.’
‘Sorry. Wrong day. I work out on Tuesdays and Thursdays.’
‘So? Break the rules a little! I won’t tell anyone.’
‘But I’ll know.’ I tip my head sideways. ‘Although I could still lunch?’
‘Even better.’ He sounds relieved. ‘All this exercise was beginning to hurt anyway.’
‘Great.’ I leap out of my chair and head to my bedroom. ‘Just give me five minutes to get changed.’
HALF AN HOUR LATER, we’re sitting in a cafe with two flat whites, a grilled chicken salad (mine) and a bacon and cheese toastie (his) on the table between us.
‘So, how was Monaco?’ Dan asks.
‘Amazing.’ I give him a smug look. ‘It’s really not so bad, hanging out with the rich and famous on a yacht for a weekend.’
‘I’ll bet. Gio Bauer seems like a good guy. Did you meet any other drivers?’
‘A few.’ Leif Olsen’s unfriendly face pops into my mind. ‘So, how’s Hailey?’ I ask to distract myself. ‘She must have finished her training by now, right? It’ll be useful, having a doctor in the family.’
‘Yeah, about that …’ Dan’s face seems to crumple. ‘Hailey and I broke up.’
‘What?’ I splutter on a mouthful of coffee. ‘But you two were perfect together!’
‘I thought so too. Only it turns out Hailey didn’t totally agree. She’s moving to Australia.’
I gape at him. ‘Why?’
‘They’re offering doctors a really good deal over there. Regular shifts, decent pay, a good work–life balance.’ He rubs a hand around the back of his neck. ‘Honestly, I don’t blame her for wanting to go.’
‘But you’re engaged!’
‘ Were engaged. Not any more. Apparently she’s been thinking about emigrating for a while and now she’s finally qualified …’ There’s a catch in his voice. ‘She asked me to go too, but I said no. My career is here. So the wedding’s off.’
‘Oh, Dan …’ I reach a hand across the table. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘So am I, but we’re going to stay friends. We still love each other – we just want different things, that’s all. And it’s better to realize that now, instead of in a few years’ time, so …’ He shrugs his shoulders. ‘She’s moved back in with her parents and she’s leaving in a couple of months.’
‘Wait, she’s already moved out?’ I jerk my head backwards. ‘When did you break up?’
‘About three weeks ago.’ He looks apologetic. ‘I didn’t want to tell you before your exams and then I didn’t want to ruin Monaco for you.’
‘You still should have told me.’ I narrow my eyes at him. ‘You don’t have to be the one looking out for me all the time, no matter what Mum and Dad say.’
‘They don’t say that.’
‘Really?’
‘Well, only sometimes. They’re just afraid you wouldn’t tell us if you were feeling depressed again.’
‘I’m not depressed!’ I grind my teeth with annoyance. ‘I haven’t been for years. I know how to look after myself now, and, anyway, I should be the one comforting you . You know that jogging is a clear sign of denial, right?’
‘I thought it was a sign of wanting to get into shape.’
‘Unless you’re trying to distract yourself, in which case … denial.’
‘I’m trying to be healthy, that’s all, and it’s better than lying around being miserable all day.’ He looks stricken suddenly. ‘Shit. Sorry, Ava, I didn’t mean –’
‘It’s OK.’ I shake my head. ‘I know you didn’t. And you’re right. Getting healthy is a better choice.’
‘Thanks.’ He coughs. ‘So speaking of jogging … I bumped into Oliver in the park the other day.’
‘Oh?’ My throat tightens at the mention of my sort-of ex’s name. Sort of because we only went on five dates. Ex because he’s still the closest thing I’ve ever had to a boyfriend. ‘How was he?’
‘Good. Still confused about what happened between the two of you.’
‘Nothing happened.’ I roll my eyes. ‘He asked me out, I gave it a try and it didn’t feel right. End of story.’
‘He said he thought there was something you weren’t telling him.’
‘What?’ I stiffen in alarm.
‘I didn’t say anything.’ Dan holds a hand up. ‘But maybe you should have.’
‘No.’ I shut him down quickly. I don’t want to talk about this.
I talked about it a lot six years ago – to Dan, to my friends (before they decided to move on with their lives), to my parents, to a counsellor – and then I was done.
I talked it to death and now it’s over. Locked behind a door in my mind, never to be let out again.
‘Ava.’ Dan’s voice softens. ‘Don’t you think what happened back then might still be affecting you when it comes to dating?’
Yes! I want to scream across the table at him.
Of course it still affects me! It changed my entire personality.
Maybe I was a relaxed, easy-going, hearts-and-flowers, love-conquers-all kind of person before I went to the park with my friends that night, but not any more.
And I know some people, Oliver included, may think I’m uptight, but I also know how frightening the world can be and I won’t let my guard down ever again because that way madness – or at least six months of sofa-bound depression – lies.
‘Talking about it to Oliver wouldn’t have made any difference,’ I say.
‘You don’t know that.’
‘Yes, I do.’ I look him straight in the eye, trying to get him to understand. ‘Dan, I can’t handle a romantic relationship. That part of me is just … broken.’
‘You’re not broken.’ His expression turns almost fierce. ‘Oliver wasn’t the right guy for you, that’s all. It doesn’t mean there isn’t somebody out there who is.’
I tear my gaze away and take a forkful of salad.
The way Dan’s looking at me right now is pulling on my heartstrings so hard I can feel a lump building in my throat.
It’s a look that says he’s got my back and that he’ll never give up on me.
He’s so decent and kind and optimistic, even when he’s just split up with his fiancée.
I’m so grateful to him, for rescuing me six years ago and for still being here now, showing me that good guys really do exist, but I really, really wish he’d let this subject drop.
The thing is, objectively I know that he’s right, that I shouldn’t give up on love, but honestly, if I couldn’t make it work with Oliver, I don’t see how I can make it work with anyone.
Oliver was the perfect candidate: a gaming developer I met during my internship last summer – smart, funny, attractive.
I did my best to trust him, to be like everyone else, but every time he kissed me it was like my body turned to ice.
And it wasn’t because I felt ashamed or afraid or any of those other self-destructive emotions that overwhelmed me for so long.
It was more like detachment, like I couldn’t feel anything .
In the end, breaking up was a mutual decision.
It wasn’t Oliver’s fault, even if it wasn’t mine either. Like I said … broken.
My unconscious is apparently on Dan’s side because a memory from last night suddenly flashes into my brain.
I’m pushed up against Leif, his hands around my upper arms, his breath on my cheek.
I didn’t feel quite so detached and broken then.
But that was an anomaly , I tell myself – like I told myself several times last night – a confused reaction brought on by a combination of excitement, disappointment and dislike .
If I were to ever meet him again, I’m sure I wouldn’t feel anything.
‘I’m focusing on other things right now,’ I answer finally. ‘I don’t need a relationship to be happy.’
‘I never said you did. So long as you really are happy?’ Dan gives me a meaningful look. ‘Ava –’
I interrupt him. ‘I have to take this call.’
‘What?’
‘A call.’ I reach for my phone because, luckily, it really is vibrating in my jacket pocket. Normally, I would never answer an unknown number, but I’d happily chat to all the telemarketers in the world if it gets me out of this conversation.
‘Hello?’
‘Ava Yearwood?’
‘Maybe.’ I twist away from Dan’s sceptical expression. ‘Who’s calling, please?’
‘This is Vienna Szeto, director of communications at Rask Racing. Your name was passed to me by a colleague. I understand you produce the podcast Single Seat News ?’
I sit up straighter. Rask may have plummeted in the rankings, but if they want to be featured on my podcast I’m not going to say no. ‘That’s right. Hi, Vienna, how can I help you?’
‘Hopefully we can help each other. How soon could you come to our HQ for a chat? We’re based outside Huntingdon.’
‘Oh …’ I mentally scan my diary. It’s pretty empty.
And Huntingdon isn’t far, only half an hour’s drive away.
Fortunately for my podcast, there’s a cluster of F1 teams around these parts.
‘Well, I’m in Cambridge, so travel isn’t a problem, but I’ll need some time to prepare questions if you want to be on the podcast.’
‘Actually, it’s not for that.’ Her tone is brisk. ‘Long story short, we have a job opening and I think you’d be the perfect candidate.’