Chapter 7 #2
“Step. Back. Now,” I growl. The crowd falls silent, the air crackling around us.
Every pair of eyes is fixed on us. He’s armed and deranged; I wouldn’t put it past him to take out his gun, too.
I’m seconds away from pulling the trigger when I hear it.
The softest shift in the air, like the world has suddenly pivoted.
Can you feel somebody’s presence without seeing them?
Yes, you can. ’Cause I’m sensing it right now.
So much, it’s palpable, physical. She’s there, I can feel it in every bone of my body as I keep my arms straight and aimed at the guy’s face, who’s fidgeting like a wild animal contained in a box.
I still don’t see her, my gaze locked onto my target.
The blood boiling under my skin is cooling down, my breathing getting back to normal.
Each second that passes makes me see clearer.
As if an angel had landed on my shoulder, telling me that I’ve got this.
That I’m not going to lose it. A few seconds pass and Tory shakes his head, then spits on the ground. I drop my arm on my side.
“I’ll only talk to him,” he shouts, pointing at Jared, then stepping back. I exhale, realizing I’ve been holding my breath for a minute, and let Jared cuff him and walk him in the back of our patrol car. What the hell was that? I could almost hear her voice saying my name in the back of my mind.
“As you wish,” I mutter, not even thinking about this idiot anymore. The crowd disperses as fast as they arrive now that the show’s over.
Alaska’s here, behind me.
I can’t feel it.
Shooting holes in my skull with her big blue eyes.
If I turn, will I still be able to stay away? Will she be afraid of me now that she saw me threatening someone with a gun?
“Hey,” an angelic voice calls me out and I can’t resist it.
So I turn and face the most beautiful sight I’ve ever got to witness.
She’s wearing her navy blue raincoat with a skirt and black tights.
Her cobalt gaze is wide and curious, watching me like I’m a subject to be studied, lingering a bit long on me, more than what’s socially acceptable.
But I don’t mind, I don’t mind at all, actually. She can take all the minutes she wants.
“Hey.” I clear my throat, because I’m not sure if I frightened her. My shoulder relaxes and I sigh, like I’m coming home after a long day.
That’s what being around her feels like.
Like coming home.
We don’t even need to talk; her presence alone grounds me. Makes my anxiety disintegrate in a cloud of dust. As if her quiet nature was bleeding on me when I’m around her.
“Did I s-scare you?” I ask bluntly, because I don’t feel like walking around the bush with her. I put my gun back in my holster and flex my hand. She steps forward, her hands fidgeting as I fall silent, frozen in front of this angel who doesn’t seem afraid of the brute in me.
“I…” she starts.
“Would you…” we talk at the same time and I stop to let her finish her sentence, exchanging a light smile.
“Are you okay?” she asks, genuine worry painted on her face.
I run a hand on my chin. “Yeah,” I say, my voice out of breath now that I’m no longer high on adrenaline.
“It was, um, intense.”
“Right.” I clench my jaw, the idea of having potentially scared her unsettling me. “Just another day on the job.”
“You’re really brave. I could never do that.”
“Just doing my job, Alaska.” I shrug while I notice her shivering from my lips saying her name.
She looks down, fidgeting. “I…um, I wanted to ask you if you’d like to go for a hike,” she says, putting her hands in the front pocket of her raincoat, a deep pink blush blooming on her face, “to show you around, you know, the tour?” My jaw drops like a freaking teenager in front of his crush, and I bite the inside of my cheek for making a fool of myself.
“The tour?” remembering the offer Jared’s sister made during the Fall Festival. “Right, yeah, the tour,” I repeat like a broken record, the word sounding almost like an excuse for us to see each other under false pretenses.
“I… I’d like that very much.” She bites her lip, a faint lift at the corner.
This, right now, will be my downfall.
I’ll go under for good, all for a woman who’ll bolt when she’ll see how deep my issues run.
When she’ll see I’m not as strong as I seem to be.
That I could embarrass her with my words, my voice…
me. She may have stayed for now but I’ve lived enough years on this earth to know that no woman will ever like me for who I am.
But even knowing that, I can’t stay away.
Not right now, as she looks at me like I could make all her dreams come true.
“Come by the shop next week and, um, we’ll choose the trail together,” she offers with her sweet voice, her tone faltering like she got hurt on the way.
What happened to you, Alaska? What made you the way that you are?
Jared shouts from the car, “Jack, let’s go, he’s pissing me off!” and I glance back at her.
“I’ll come,” I assure her, and she offers me a smile that could warm up a block of ice.
“Bye, Jack,” she says with a breathy voice, tugging a strain of brown hair behind her ear. Tension built between us, like a physical form growing more and more, turning the air so thick it could be cut with a knife.
I take a deep breath, clenching my arms and hoping I’ll never ever mispronounce her name out loud.
“Bye, Alaska.” It rolls on my tongue like I've said it a million times in my life.
With reluctance, I walk to the car, looking back at her, and when I do, I end up eye to eye with her as she looks at me over her shoulder before disappearing into the store.
Alaska. Sweet, Alaska.
What are you doing to me?
3 years ago
“What are you doing?” Alicia whispers, her brown eyes widening with panic.
The suffocating dining room closes in around me, thick with frilly curtains, yellow light, and a dozen too many photos of Alicia’s family plastered across every wall like some shrine.
All smiling. Silver cutlery clinks. Her mother hovers, serving food she won’t get to eat.
Her father sits smugly at the head of the table, chewing loudly like he owns the world.
Meeting the parents of my girlfriend isn’t going like I had imagined.
“I’m…” I drag in a slow breath, clenching my fists under the table as Alicia’s father starts in again, criticizing her for stopping after her Bachelor’s degree, calling her lazy.
What does he know? He never even went to college.
I’ve been seeing Alicia for six months. I’m not even sure if what I feel for her is real.
But if I have to listen to one more word from that guy, I’m going to lose it.
The air shifts. My shoulders tighten. I crack my neck, trying to push the rising heat down.
A shrink once taught me some tricks for when it builds too much.
Focus on what you see. The curtains. Floral. Every-freaking-where.
Focus on what you hear. His voice. Smug. Loud. Cruel.
Focus on what you feel. The polished wood of the table under my palm.
Focus on a scent. Boiled meat and vinegar. I gag a little.
Still not helping.
“And there she is,” her father booms, cutting into a piece of roast like it offended him. “Late again, coming back from another party, doing God knows what with God knows who-”
“Dad, please.” Alicia blushes, laughing like it’s all fine. “It’s embarrassing.” Nah, it’s not embarrassing. This is abuse.
“We were ashamed, Jack, ashamed. Her mother and I raised her with values. And now? Now she’s out there, drinking, partying like a, pardon my word, honey, a slut-” Crimson.
That’s all I see. My chair scrapes against the floor, loud enough to make her mother jump.
I stand. My fists hit the table, hard, rattling the plates.
“D-D-Don’t y-you d-dare t-t-talk to her like that,” I growl, the words shattered in my voice. Her father freezes mid-bite.
“You sit down right now, young man!” he barks, tossing his napkin on the table like that’s supposed to mean something. I don’t move. He may have a suit, a wife who obeys, and a big house, but I’m not impressed. I’ve seen power misused before. This is no different.
“Apologize to her,” I say, low but clear. My voice trembles under pressure, but I force it through. “N-Now.”
Alicia grips my wrist. “Stop it,” she whispers. “It’s nothing. You can’t talk to my dad like that.”
I turn to her, stunned. “He-He c-called you a-” I can’t even say it again. My jaw locks. My chest aches.
“Your friend’s cuckoo honey,” her dad sneers on my behalf.
“Sorry, Dad,” she says quickly. “Jack, c-can we talk in the kitchen?” We step away, her parents already whispering behind us like kids passing notes in school. In the kitchen, she spins toward me, arms crossed, eyes hard.
“I’m not okay with what you just did,” she says, with an accusing tone. My heart sinks. I’d wondered for months if she actually liked me. Seems pretty clear now. Her expression says it all. I’m no more than a mistake she doesn’t know how to undo.
“I did what I w-was taught to do,” I tell her, struggling to get the words out. “W-When someone gets hurt, I d-don’t just sit there.”
Her frown deepens. “And what gives you the right? You think you know my parents? You think you can walk in here and just explode like that?”
“He-He humiliated you in front of everyone. C-Called you a-” I stop. “It’s not okay. I c-couldn’t just-” The words break again and my voice falters.
She sighs, folding her arms tighter. “You made me uncomfortable. I didn’t need you to stand up for me like that. I didn’t want my dad to hear you—” She stops, a tense grimace pulling at her face.
Stutter.
She doesn’t have the guts to say it.
“To what, Alicia?” I ask, chin up.
“You know what. Don’t play dumb.” I’ve had enough. If she’s okay with this, then that’s on her, but I’m not going to stay and let her belittle me.
“I won’t apologize,” I state firmly. “I-I c-c-can’t.”
“If you don’t, we’re over.” I don’t even flinch. She’s not the first to be embarrassed by me and she surely won’t be the last. I get it, I’m used to it.
“I g-guess we are,” I murmur. “Tell your m-mom thank you for the meal,” I say, voice low. I walk out the front door alone. My body trembles as the adrenaline fades, and the familiar weight of failure crashes over me. Why do I always lose everything when I finally speak up?