Chapter 13 Autumn
Autumn
Ipressed the little tutu to my nose and inhaled. Closing my eyes, I kept it pressed against my nose for a little longer before I folded it and placed it in the pile with the other items.
A whimper pulled my attention away from the pile of laundry in the basket to the floor in front of the TV.
I glanced down and smiled at the sight before me.
October was asleep on his belly, and Auburn was asleep on his back.
Both had fallen asleep an hour earlier. He had been watching a college football game, and she had been coloring.
She squirmed and whimpered. I watched as he reached behind himself and patted her back. He was still asleep but mindful of her presence and her discomfort at the same time.
The care and attention he showed my baby made my heart explode in my chest. My phone rang, pulling my attention away from them. I glanced down at the caller ID and frowned at the unknown number.
I didn’t have any bill collectors since I paid all my bills on time and in full. So there was no reason for me to avoid the call.
“Hello,” I greeted softly so that I wouldn’t wake October and Auburn.
“Hey. What’s been up with you lately?”
My chest squeezed tightly, and I almost pissed my pants at the voice on the other end.
“What do you want?” I asked, getting up and walking out of the living room and into my kitchen.
“Baby—”
“Don’t you dare fix your lips to say that to me. I’m not your baby, and the one you did have, you seemed to have forgotten about. You couldn’t even bring your trifling self to the hospital to see her, to lay eyes on her, or even to inquire how I was doing,” I hissed.
“I had every intention of coming, Mesha, but I ran into some problems on one of my over-the-road trips.”
“And that’s not my problem.”
“Baby, I was arrested—”
“Again, . . . stop with the baby shit because I’m not your baby. Have you been locked up for the last two years?”
“No.”
“Then what the hell are you talking about?”
“Mesha, don’t be like this.”
A tear ran down my face. “I’m not being like anything, Wilson. I cannot and will not continue standing by while you run over me. You’ve been in and out of my life since your wife showed up. I’m not letting you see my child and do her the same way.”
“Our child, Mesha.”
“She’s not your child, Wilson. You were nothing more than a sperm donor.
I can get a bum on the corner to do that.
It takes a whole lot more to be a father to a child, which you should know, considering you already have one.
Or maybe you don’t. Maybe that’s the problem that your wife has with you now. Either way, it’s not my problem.”
“You ain’t about to keep me from seeing my child, Mesha. I have the right to see her too.”
“You gave up that right when you ghosted us. You don’t get to pop up and demand rights, Wilson. That’s not how this works.”
“She’s my baby too. Don’t make me take your ass to court.”
“Nigga, I wish you would!” I hissed into the phone.
Despite the venom in my voice and the challenge in my tone, I felt anything but courageous.
I was scared that he would uphold that threat.
The last thing that I wanted was to go to court to fight for custody of my baby.
I didn’t want Wilson’s ass even having visitation rights, because he didn’t deserve them.
It wasn’t because he wasn’t a good man to me or that he had cheated on his wife.
It was because he didn’t uphold his word, and he hadn’t been here throughout my pregnancy with her.
I wouldn’t allow my daughter to have an on-again, off-again father who came around whenever it suited him.
She deserved to have someone consistent, stable, and faithful in her life, the way that October had already proven himself to be.
Auburn wasn’t his responsibility, but he had voluntarily taken her on.
It was October who showed up with diapers, wipes, clothes, bibs, and everything else that my baby needed, not Wilson.
It was October who fed, burped, and rocked her when she was upset.
It was October who was at my house on the daily building a bond with my baby over the last two years.
It was October who spent time with her, teaching her to walk and learning her colors and numbers alongside me.
“Why’re you tripping? I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to get my shit in order so that I can be there for you and my baby.”
“You could have communicated that to me, Wilson. But you didn’t. Instead, you ghosted me and had me running around town with a pregnant ass belly chasing after you and looking like a fool. So, anything you got in order, you did it for yourself. You didn’t do it for her or me.”
“Y’all belong to me, Mesha. And we belong to each other.”
“No. I belong to myself. My baby belongs to me. And you belong to the streets . . . or to that ratchet ass wife of yours. I don’t know, but you’re not mine because I don’t want you, and neither does my baby.”
“Listen, Mesha. I know that I fucked up and ran when I should have stood my ground. It was just too much going on. I was worried about losing my son and—”
“Instead, you lost your daughter. Had you been open and honest about the situation from the jump, we wouldn’t be here now. Even if you hadn’t been open and honest, but you had stood your ground for your baby, then you would at least be in her life, but not mine. You traded us in, Wilson.”
“I didn’t trade y’all in, baby. I fucked up, and I tried to fix some things by putting you on hold.”
“So, you’re saying that you took for granted that I would be standing on the sidelines waiting for your return?”
“It wasn’t my intention, but I did.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Did you put us on the sidelines, Wilson?”
“Because I . . . I don’t know. I just figured you’d always be there.”
“Because you thought that I had no choice but to put up with your shit. You thought that I was so desperate to be loved, so insecure and self-conscious about my weight that I couldn’t find someone else.”
“I mean, you are insecure, Mesha.”
“And that gave you a right to play me the way that you did?”
“Nah, but I’m just saying, I didn’t think you’d go anywhere else. I know you love a nigga.”
“No. I don’t. I mistook desire and lust for love.
But I don’t love you, and I know for a fact that you didn’t love me.
You used me, Wilson. I don’t have to accept that.
Love is waiting for me. A love that is accepting of who I am, that builds me strong, that affirms me and encourages me.
You don’t give me that. You never did. I now know what it feels like to be loved. ”
“Are you saying you found someone else, Mesha? Because if you got another nigga around my baby, then I’m not playing with your ass. I’m coming with drama, Mesha.”
“You don’t have a right to do anything.”
He chuckled. “Guess that shit must be true.”
“What?”
“I heard you’ve been running around town with some nigga. Let me find out that shit true, and I promise I’m coming to destroy your world and his.”
“Don’t you dare threaten me, Wilson. You’ve got a whole wife out there and another kid. You lied to me, and I didn’t deserve that,” I declared, hiccupping a sob in.
“Autumn.”
October’s voice was a deep warning behind me, filled with tension and concern. I heard Auburn’s sweet little whimper, and I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d been the one to wake them both.
“I’ve got to go.” I ended the call and spun around with a forced smile on my lips.
Frown lines, confusion, and concern marred October’s face.
“Hey, baby,” I muttered, walking to him.
The minute that I reached him and extended my hands for Auburn, he lifted his and stopped me. “Nah, what’s going on? Who was that?” he asked, jerking his chin toward my phone.
“No one that matters. I’m fine.”
“Don’t lie to me. The one thing you can never do is lie to me, Autumn. I can’t protect you, comfort you, or keep you strong if you’re lying to me. Now what’s going on?” He wiped underneath my eye with his thumb, making me realize that I had shed a couple of tears.
I sighed. “That was Wilson.”
“Your ex?”
I noticed that he didn’t say, “Auburn’s daddy.”
“Yes. Her—”
“Her sperm donor, because that’s all that nigga is. He damn sure isn’t her daddy.”
I sighed in resignation, because I didn’t want to have to argue with two men today. “Yeah, I know. Anyway, he was calling, talking crazy about wanting to be in her life, and if I tried to stop him, then he would take me to court for custody.”
“You ain’t gotta worry ’bout that shit. That nigga ain’t ’bout to do nothing.
And even if he did have the balls to do that shit, he wouldn’t get it.
His ass ain’t been nowhere around, ghosting you, married with another kid, and living a double life.
Not to mention you said he’s an OTR trucker.
No judge is about to grant him custody of this baby. ”
“I don’t even want him to get visitation rights, though, Toby.”
He cupped my chin and tilted my head backward. “Look at me. You ain’t even gotta worry about that. I doubt that nigga even wants to see her. I think he’s just trying to rattle you, is all.”
“Yeah, he did start talking crazy about us belonging to him.”
“That nigga can bounce with that shit. Don’t a damn thing belong to him over this way except he gon’ get his ass whupped.”
Auburn started crying, and I knew that she could feel the tension between us. October bounced her in his arms and kissed her head. It was bad enough that her nap was broken, which was enough to make her fussy, but the tension between us didn’t help.
“Hey, you want an ice cream?” I asked.
“Yes, Mommy.”
“Here, take her. I’ll get it,” October stated, handing my fussy toddler off to me.
“It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you. Mama’s fine and so are you.”
She kept being whiny even after he opened the ice cream and handed it to her. She took it and continued to whine. October reached for her, and she willingly went into his arms.
I watched in awe as she instantly calmed down at the sound of his voice and laid her head on his shoulder. He rubbed circles on her back, and his eyes met mine with a question.
“What?”
“Are you tryna get back with that nigga, Autumn?”
“What? No! Are you kidding me? Nobody could pay me to take him back, October. He dogged me, humiliated me, and abandoned me. That’s not the life that I envision for myself or her.”
“Good,” he replied, nodding. But I saw the doubt in his eyes, and I wondered how I could reassure him that there was nothing for him to fear.
I stepped closer and wrapped my arms around his waist. “Baby, you build me up, keep me strong, and have my back whenever I’m weak.
You have been here with me since I had Auburn.
You bring sunshine into all of my days, and you take care of us girls physically, spiritually, and mentally. Why would I ever risk losing that?”
I sighed as he closed his eyes and kissed my forehead.
Then I took a risk with my next words. “I know that it hasn’t been very long, Toby, but I love you.
I truly love you with all my heart. The way that you sacrifice for me, for her, how could I not love you?
You are the truth, October. You’re my truth. ”
I saw something in his eyes that I couldn’t quite decipher. It was so fleeting that I wondered if I had seen anything at all.
“Thank you, baby. I’ll always be here for y’all. You both give me a brand-new purpose.”
“You’ve got your shop,” I declared, tilting my head back to stare into his nut-brown eyes.
“I do, and I’ve got my crew. But you two give me something to protect, to nourish, and a reason always to want to excel at everything. And it’s not too soon for you to be feeling what you’re feeling. I may not say it all the time, but I do love you, and I love her too.”
“Is it because the words don’t come easy for you?”
“No. It’s because that’s not an emotion that I take lightly or for granted. I don’t believe in tossing the word around casually and carelessly like most people do. But I do love you, and I want you to know that.”
“I do.”
“Good. Now what did you tell that nigga ’bout y’all two?”
“I let him know that he belongs to the streets and that there’s a love for me that accepts, affirms, encourages, and strengthens me.”
“And protects you. Whatever goes down, baby, I will protect you with my last breath.”
The words “last breath” scared me, especially considering that I knew Wilson had made threats. I only prayed that they were empty. I’d never known him to be a violent person. I just hoped for my sake that he remained true to his character.