13. Carson #2
“You haven’t said anything yet.”
“I’ve told you more than anyone else.”
Her eyes turn sad. “Carson.”
I have to swallow against a weird surge of emotion.
I’m a strong, intelligent, capable man. I don’t break down in the driveway of my mom’s neighbor.
I don’t lose my mind over the fact that my ex-wife bought my daughter a phone.
I’m not supposed to be questioning the very choices that drove me to this place today, watching a woman I made out with reupholster chairs for my office because I can’t afford to replace them.
“I should be holding it together better than this,” I say.
“You seem to be doing a great job from here.” She shrugs. “Penny is happy, your mom is thrilled, and once that office opens, half the town is going to love you for saving them a trip to Burlington every six months.”
“Then why do I feel like I’m drowning?”
Her deep brown eyes bore into me, and they’re so full and trusting.
It’s like every time I get to a place where I feel like I’m moving on and beginning to heal, something rips open my heart and forces me to start over.
I look back at every decision I’ve made over the last few years and question each one.
Yeah, moving here put my mom and Penny together more often, but what if forcing my daughter into a new place is really the worst thing for her in the long run?
What if it’s not a big deal if she has a phone?
What if I bankrupted us with a failing business and she’ll never go to college?
What if I’m putting all this pressure on myself to be the best parent and really I’m just screwing up my kid’s life?
She shakes her head slowly, as though she heard every one of my thoughts. “You have a lot going on at the moment.”
An ugly laugh barks out of me. “Yeah. It’s never ending. I’m avoiding going inside.”
“Why?”
“Because then I have to handle a situation I don’t know how to react to.
” I look at her. “My ex sent Penny a phone. I’ve vocalized my opinions about them, how I don’t want her to have one yet.
It’s true that it’s not ideal for me to be the go-between when Penny wants to speak to Jen, and she went behind my back to give it to her despite knowing how I feel. But taking it away feels petty.”
Emma is quiet, her auburn brows raised. “While Penny lives with you, she knows she needs to follow your rules.”
“Taking away the phone feels like I’m taking away a line of communication with her mom.
It’s a pointed move, because Jen’s backed me into a corner.
If I give into this now, what will Jen do next that I feel trapped into accepting?
She doesn’t have rights. She signed them over to me, which was as good as permanent.
I have zero worries about her trying to get back any rights.
If she wanted to be more involved in Penny’s life, I wouldn’t hesitate to let her, and she knows that.
Legally? Her hands are tied. But she’s smart and manipulative, and I can’t help feeling like this is all a way to control me and get back at me, and Penny’s the tool she’s using. ”
“Oh, Penny,” Emma says, her voice infused with compassion. “She deserves better.”
“Exactly. But if I stand my ground and take the phone, Penny only sees me getting in the way and being controlling. She doesn’t have enough maturity yet to understand the full scope of the situation.”
Emma reaches for my hand and tugs. I’m so stunned, I don’t resist. Her arms slide around my waist and up my back while her head rests against my chest. It takes longer than it should to realize she’s hugging me.
Tears prick my eyes and threaten to spill over.
I put my focus into wrapping my arms around her back, inhaling her shampoo.
She’s warm and soft and smells like apples and wood stain.
Breathing in the cool autumn air and Emma, I sink into the hug, pushing everything off for a minute and enjoying the moment. Energy buzzes between us, but she’s not putting any moves on me. She’s being a friend when I need one. She’s letting me lean on her, literally, while I pull myself together.
“You know,” she says, her voice rumbling against my chest. “It doesn’t have to be all or nothing with the phone.”
I close my eyes, inhale, and enjoy this feeling, memorizing her hands on my back and my arms around her. We fit together like we were made to, which makes it all the more difficult to pull away. Emma untangles herself from me and steps back, her cheeks flushed and eyes bright.
“What do you mean?” I finally ask.
“You want her to have access to her mom, right? The phone can do that, but you can get parental controls and block any apps you don’t want her to access. Or pick a place in the house for the phone to live. She can check it or call her mom, but the phone stays right there.”
“Like a glorified house phone, but her own dedicated line,” I say thoughtfully.
“Just spit balling here.”
“Yeah, but it’s good.”
“It’s working around a hard thing you didn’t ask for and finding a solution that’s good for everyone. That’s all you can do, Carson. The rest is out of your hands.”
“Dad!” Penny screams from across the road. “Dad! Dad! I want to show you something!”
I cringe. “She’s so excited,” I whisper.
Emma gives me an encouraging smile. “You can only do your best. Quit putting all this pressure on yourself to be perfect. You are exactly what she needs.”
Tears flood my eyes, which is awkward, but she said what I needed to hear. “Thanks, Emma.”
I turn toward my daughter with a little more hope than I had twenty minutes ago.