24. Knox
Chapter twenty-four
Knox
I’d have to let go of some things in my life. Some of them had been wants that were expendable, while the rest were needs that slowly became negligible.
At some point, Claire was a want. I’d wanted to be with her, to love and care for her. But that didn’t work out, no matter how much I’d wanted it to. The thread was too thin to hang onto. It was a hard pill to swallow, the fact that we were incompatible, but it was what it was.
Even after the breakup, I would sometimes wonder if there was a chance that we could make it work. I’d contemplated if maybe I’d been too forward by breaking things off.
But I stared at her now, my eyes trailing over the slope of her nose and up the ridge between her brows. I wasn’t seeing her—I didn’t see her anymore. She was talking—about what, I had no clue. Something about her job, maybe? It was all noise, a hum in the background I couldn’t bother tuning into.
My mind was miles away, tangled up in my princess; the last time I saw her smile, the way her eyes lit up when she got excited, the look of awe that took over her face just before she reached climax. The forlorn look in her eyes when I told her I was leaving.
It broke me. I’d heard her crying that evening. I stood outside her door for a long time with my fist suspended in the air, debating whether I should knock and comfort her, or leave her alone.
In the end, I told myself that Nina would be fine. These past few weeks between us had been heavenly, but she would eventually get over it and move on with her life. And then I’d forced myself to walk away, my heart in my fucking stomach, because I knew if I touched her one last time, I’d never have been able to leave.
“Come on, Knox,” Claire cooed, grinding her heat against my thighs. I could hear the frustration building in her voice. “You owe me. I still haven’t forgiven you for walking out on me.”
I had no idea what she was doing here. Actually, I did—somehow the news of our collaboration with Cornerstone Corp had spread like wildfire in the public relations world. Everyone that mattered had heard that we were handling the biggest project the industry had seen in years. In the past week since the contract was signed, many companies have shown their interest in working with us. It was crazy.
No doubt Claire had heard too, given as how she’d shown up tonight out of the blue, trying to seduce me. Just like I’d expected, she’d sent me a text after that night at the bar using every expletive known to man to curse me out. I’d half-expected her to delete my number after that.
“That’s not what happened,” I replied in a bored tone.
“That’s how I remember it.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and brought her face dangerously close to mine.
“What do you want, Claire?”
She gave me a sultry smile, holding my gaze. “You.”
“We’re over, or did you forget that?”
“Let’s just say I have selective amnesia,” she said, and I chuckled a little. “So, you're saying you don’t want me anymore?”
I actually took a quick second to think about her question. A second was all I needed, anyway. There was only one woman on my mind, and she didn’t have brown hair or blue eyes.
I shook my head, registering the look of disappointment that flashed across Claire’s face. Everything happened quickly after that.
Before I could stop her, she leaned forward and pressed her lips against mine. I was about to push her away when I heard a gasp, my head snapping to the side to see Nina standing at the doorway, gaping at us—at me—with her eyes wide open and her lips parted slightly.
How the hell did she know where I lived? I don’t remember telling her. Was it my sister? Were they talking again?
I couldn’t focus on any of that just then. The pain in Nina’s gaze was raw and piercing, and it reached deep into my chest, wrapped around my heart, and squeezed painfully. I wanted to say something to explain the situation and let her know that there was nothing going on between Claire and me. It was the truth, and I wanted her to know it. But something stopped me.
What was the point? What did it matter if she knew all that? There might have been nothing between Claire and me, but there couldn’t be anything between Nina and me now. We were too different, like oil and water. We lived in different realities, and if there was one thing I’d learned in life, it was that it was better to let sleeping dogs lie.
And then Nina was gone, taking with her the remains of whatever fire had burned between us.
“Well, fuck,” Claire murmured, getting up and moving to the fridge to grab a bottle of beer. I heard her unscrew the cork. A moment later, she asked, “Did you know she was coming?”
My eyes closed for a second, then reopened. I couldn’t even describe how I was feeling right now. “No.”
“What’s going on between you two, anyway? Are you dating or…?”
All of a sudden, I wanted to be alone. My head felt as heavy as a boulder and my chest hurt so fucking bad.
I ran my hands down my face, heaving out a heavy breath. “Get out.”
Silence. “What?”
“Leave.” I didn’t bother to look at her.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Knox, I know you feel bad, but… you don’t need her. Deep down, you know that.”
Liquid, fiery rage flared through me at her words. I raised my head to look at her, letting her see exactly what I thought of her opinion. “That might be true, or it might not, but I don’t need you either. You’re not dumb, Claire. You can’t possibly expect that I’ll let you back into my life again after the last time.”
She had the audacity to look offended. “What are you talking about?”
I shot to my feet. The frustration I felt bubbled up to my neck and wrapped around me, choking the fuck out of me. “I’ve always thought you’re sophisticated and elegant, and it’s true. But you’re also vain and materialistic. Why do you think I broke up with you? You think it was because I thought I didn’t deserve you like I said back then?”
She sputtered, her gaze darting left and right. “What… I didn’t…”
It had been easier to lie and let her down easily than tell her the real reason we couldn’t see each other anymore. I’d told her I needed to focus on getting my company back on its feet, and I didn’t want to drag her down with me in the process. Maybe that was the reason she was still hanging on to this foolish hope of us getting back together.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I told you we were different people, and that was true. We are. For all your good qualities, you're superficial and entirely self-centered, Claire. I broke up with you because I knew I wasn’t enough for you, and I never would be.”
Tears gathered in her eyes and her bottom lip quivered. “That’s not true, Knox. You’ve always been enough for me, and I’ve always loved you.”
“Why did you come here tonight?” I asked.
Claire blinked, and a few tears fell. “I wanted to see you.”
“Or maybe you heard the news?”
Her jaw set and it was all I needed to know that I’d been right.
I released a laugh, but it lacked humor. “Get out.” I repeated, “and stay out.”
“Knox, don’t be like this.” She stepped forward, trying to reason with me.
“Get the fuck out!” I thundered, my voice echoing throughout the room. Claire flinched, staggering backward. My chest heaved angrily as I watched her scramble around for her bag, stunned because I’d just yelled at her.
She headed for the door with slow, calculated steps. I kept my gaze on her, waiting for her to say something in her defense—Claire always had to defend herself, or the conversation wasn’t over. But she kept walking, only stopping when she reached the threshold to look back at me one last time. I didn’t let myself read anything into it; I was done with Claire. Forever.
She disappeared and I heard the front door close. Dropping onto the chair, I cradled my head between my hands, which were held up by my elbows propped up on my knees.
Hours later, I was still seated there, staring at nothing and thinking about everything.
I always hoped for grace.
Right from my childhood, when it’d been so scary to want things, I always hoped for a bit of grace. Even now, I still do.
They say perseverance is key, and that if you dare to dream big and hold on long enough, things will turn around. But they don’t tell you that perseverance can also break you. That sometimes hanging on by a thread is the most dangerous thing you’ll ever do.
And some nights, when it’s quiet and you’re left with just your thoughts, you wonder if it’s all worth it. If your wants and desires, the struggle and the constant battles with everything and nothing at all, is really worth it or you’re just spinning your wheels.
It was funny how completely empty I felt, considering that everything I'd strived for over the past few years had solidified in under thirty minutes. I'd thought that reviving my company, ensuring my employees were paid, and having financial stability was all I needed to feel fulfilled in life.
But now I am starting to understand that wealth means little when it's all you have. The irony stung—I’d judged Nina harshly for being a rich girl pretending otherwise. Yet here I was, realizing firsthand that money without genuine happiness was a bleak and empty victory.
A ringing cut through my thoughts. I lifted my head, letting my eyes look for my phone around the kitchen. When I didn’t see it, I sighed, deciding to ignore it. My body was too heavy to get up right now. Thankfully, the ringing stopped. Whoever it was could wait.
Moving back here felt like coming home to an empty house after years of being away. The renovations were breathtaking, and my house looked fucking great. But I wasn’t ashamed to say that I hadn’t missed being in it. Something was missing. I refused to admit what that was.
The ringing started again, loud and incessant. Cursing, I stood in search of the annoying device, only to realize that it was inside my back pocket. Rolling my eyes at my forgetfulness, I fished out my phone and checked the call ID, my heart lurching. It was Lindsay.
She hadn’t spoken to me in days. It was hell; I swear. Every time our eyes met at the apartment, disappointment would swim in her eyes, after which she’d walk past me without a word. Even the night I left, not one word. I felt like I’d ruined our relationship, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
But now she was calling me, and I couldn't believe how nervous I was.
Swiping at the screen, I raised the phone to my ear. “Lindsay?”
“Are you home?” she asked sharply.
I frowned, checking my wristwatch. It was a quarter past eleven. “Uh… yeah, why?”
The call went off. I stared at my phone in my hands, my frown deepening. That was odd. Why would Lindsay call me at almost midnight to—
“Knox!”
Holy shit.
“Come out here right now!”
What the hell was happening today? Why was everyone showing up at my place out of the blue? Was there something in the water? And why did she sound so angry?
Bracing myself, I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. My sister was there, pacing a hole in my tiles. I really needed to start locking my door. My footsteps alerted her to my arrival. Her feet stopped and her eyes snapped at me, and the only word I could use to describe the look in her eyes was irate.
My steps slowed as my head cocked to the side. “I’m getting the feeling that you’re pissed at me for something I do not know about.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she yelled, almost turning red from anger.
I held my hands up in surrender, approaching her slowly, my steps tentative. “Calm down and tell me what’s wrong.”
“What did you do to Nina?”
I paused, holding her gaze. Did something happen? “What do you mean?”
“She was supposed to come here and talk to you, but she came home hours later, looking like fucking shit, worse than I’ve ever seen her! So, what the fuck did you do to her, Knox? Because I’m this close to maiming you.”
I licked my lips, clearing my throat. I needed to sit down to have this conversation. It was long overdue.
“Come sit.” I patted the space next to me on the sofa.
“Knox, I swear to God…” Lindsay’s jaw tightened as her chest rose and fell with rapid breaths.
I sent her a glare. “Come and sit down so we can talk.”
After a long beat, she pushed forward, dropping onto the sofa and shifting to the edge of the couch, as if she couldn’t stand being next to me. I wanted to remind her I was her brother, but it didn’t seem smart at the moment.
“Did she cry?” I asked.
Lindsay scoffed. “Cry? She’s a fucking mess, Knox. She’s talking about moving back to California.”
Shit . I pursed my lips, running a hand through my hair. “I’m sorry, Lindsay. I didn’t intend to fuck shit up so bad.”
“Okay. Be that as it may, the situation is already fucked up. What are you going to do about it?”
I sent her a look filled with confusion. “Do about what? There’s nothing to be done. Nina is… She might be hurt right now, but she’ll be fine. She’s young and beautiful and amazing and she has her entire life ahead of her. Soon, a great guy her age will swoop in and be the man she needs. It can’t be me.”
Lindsay looked even more confused than me. “Why not?”
“We’re too different. I’m nine years older than her, Lin, and she’s your best friend—my little sister’s best friend. Do I need to go on?”
She let out a frustrated groan. “Do you love her?”
This was the weirdest conversation I’d ever had with my sister. I let out a harsh breath. “That’s irrelevant.”
“Like hell it is!” Lindsay shot to her feet. “Why are humans so complicated? Life is simple. You love someone? Then be with them. You don’t want someone? Then let them know and spare them the heartbreak. What is wrong with the world?”
I had a feeling she wasn’t just referring to Nina and me. That idiot she’d dated in college that broke her heart came to mind. If I ever found him, I’d beat him to a fucking pulp. He and that Michael fucker.
Still, it was nice to know that she wasn’t judging me for sleeping with her best friend. I was afraid that I’d ruined their relationship.
“Lindsay, it’s not that easy. Even if you’re somehow okay with both of us being together, there’s still the fact that we’re too different. There are miles between us. Miles that we will never cross, no matter how much we try.”
My sister froze for a moment, squinting at me. Then she loomed closer, as if she was seeing something in my face that she’d never seen before. I began to feel self-conscious, eyeing her suspiciously.
“Is it because… of her family?” she asked softly.
I swallowed, refusing to break eye contact. “What are you talking about?”
“Knox,” she began, looking so concerned and keen, as she resumed her position on the sofa again, this time facing me. “Are you referring to the fact that Nina comes from a rich family, and we don’t?”
Fuck. I looked away, gritting my teeth. I hated how this felt, how it made me look. My sister apparently knew me better than I knew myself, because how the hell had she managed to give words to emotions that I’d had trouble pinpointing?
“I’ll never be enough for her.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Lindsay murmured, letting out a pronounced sigh.
“I do love her. I love her so fucking much that the thought of her and someone else physically hurts. It brings me to my fucking knees and rips my heart in two.”
Lin’s brows knitted in belief. “This is because of your ex, isn’t it? What was her name again… Charlie or what? The one who was always asking for expensive things?”
My chest tightened, feeling horribly ill suddenly. “She was just here. Nina saw her kiss me.”
“Fucking hell, Knox. What is wrong with you? Truly? Are you masochistic?”
“Maybe,” I muttered. “Look, whatever the reason is, I might never be able to give her the life she’s used to. And I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep.”
“Listen to me: I have known Nina since we were fourteen. She is the humblest person I have ever known. In the time that we’ve been friends, not once has she thrown her family’s wealth in my face. Whenever I was broke in college, which was most of the time, she would refuse to spend money too. She never offered to help me out because she knew how much I hated feeling like an appendage.
“When I applied for the job at a diner, she did the same so I would have company. Not because she needed the money...” Her voice broke then, and she struggled to hold back tears. “She doesn’t know that I know this, but one night I received a very generous tip from a customer. I later came to find out that the tip had come from Nina. She asked the customer to give it to me because she knew I would never take it from her directly.”
“My point is, Nina doesn’t care about how much a person has, but who they are. If she loves you—and she does— it’s because of you, Knox. Not because of what you have to offer.”
I was at a loss for words. I couldn’t believe what Lindsay was saying. I thought about how Nina helped me land this contract without asking for anything in return, despite how rude and horrible I’d treated her in the past. Goddammit, I was a terrible person.
Nina had been right. I’m the absolute worst.
Yet I hung on to my doubts, not wanting to give in so easily. “She’s messy.”
Lindsay sniffled, wiping her cheeks. “Always has been, always will be.”
“Way too young for me.”
“Old enough to know what she wants.”
“Cannot cook to save her life.”
Lindsay crackled. “God, I love the taste of her undone pasta.”
I glanced at her. “Me too.” We both shared a look, then burst out laughing.
When the laughter subsided, my sister inched closer to me and took my hand. “Love is hard, but a life without love is harder. She’s not perfect and neither are you. That’s what makes love worth fighting for—two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other.”
My eyes were hurting from holding back tears. The truth of the matter is, I’d been convinced that Nina was too good for me. Unlike what I’d told Claire, Nina was kind and selfless and I’d never met anyone like her.
“That said, Dad would be proud of you, Knox. You’ve managed to achieve at half his age what he never even got to aspire to. Mom and I, we’re both so thankful to you for being such a good man. For caring for us, for not abandoning us after he died. You’re worthy of being chosen, and fought for, and loved. You deserve a woman who’s as crazy about you as you are about her. And I think Nina is that person.”
I lost the battle; one tear finally slipped down my face. I huffed out a breathy chuckle, drawing my sister in for a hug. Despite everything, I was blessed with an amazing family, people who genuinely cared for me, no matter the weather we had to face.
“When did you become so wise?” I mumbled into her hair.
Lindsay giggled. “It was a cold Thursday evening, and the sun had just set—”
“Alright, that’s enough.”
We both laughed for a short while, then fell silent. I thought about Nina and the look on her face from earlier in the kitchen.
Nina was both a want and a need. It would be stupid to deny it. I wanted her laugh, her smiles, her body, the sheer miracle of her presence that overwhelmed me. And I needed her admiration, her strength and simplistic approach to life. The way she never backed down from a fight no matter what life threw at her. Her perseverance, her fucking kindness.
Fucking hell. I’d hurt her so much and in so many ways. If she never forgave me, I would hold nothing against her. But like Lindsay said, I had to fight for her and try to win her back or life would lose its meaning. I couldn’t let my princess go.
Lindsay broke away, tapping my chest eagerly. “Alright. Go get your woman or you’ll really lose her.”
“Right. You’re right.” I jumped to my feet, searching for my keys. Lindsay settled onto the sofa, reaching for the TV remote. “Aren’t you coming?”
She shook her head, switching on the 65’ inch screen. “Nah. I’ll give you guys some privacy; you have a lot to talk about.”