19. Chapter Nineteen
My ears could not believe what Damien was saying.
Damien knew how close I was to my parents. They were like my best friends, considering me not having that many friends around me.
He knew how much it would mean for me to protect their legacy and what they labored for while they were alive. Finally, we could reclaim the properties the government had seized for years.
This had been a struggle my parents had undergone before their death, and the least my brother and I could do was to succeed in fulfilling their desires.
Beyond their estate, did he think my feelings for him were based on the material things and connections he could offer me? I had applied to Selware and wanted the job even before I knew he was the CEO.
How could he downplay things that are most important to me?
No words could fully characterize the pain I felt from the things he said to me. If he was truly looking out for my interest, this was the worst way to go about it.
Sadly, I had not brought my car to work today. On the one hand, it was a good thing because I could not imagine driving in this state with blurry eyes and a racing heart.
On the other hand, I had to stand right in front of the office building to hail a cab as my tears rolled down profusely, and passers-by could not help but turn their heads to the sounds I was making.
Finally, a bright yellow cab stops right in front of me. My mouth trembled insistently to form actual words of my destination, so I just unlocked the back passenger door to get in.
Before I do so, my eyes dart behind my shoulders to see if he came down after me.
They only met with the eyes of the security guard, wondering why I was staring at him with my wet eyes and trembling lips.
“Please, drive off.”
“Where, ma’am?”
“Anywhere but here, please,” I said in between sobs.
It was true what they say that the ones that you love most hurt you the most.
If Damien and I had no strings attached between us, this wouldn’t hurt this much.
Come to think of it, I was not only crying because of what he said but because of the pent-up emotions from all the distance I had to give him in the name of trying to save our friendship from a brutal end.
What was I thinking, believing I could stop loving him by avoiding him?
These past weeks have been excruciatingly traumatizing for me, and I have cried myself to sleep almost every other day.
It was difficult to watch him come to work every day and avoid his stares that questioned the basis for my decision to keep my distance, which he didn’t even know at that point.
I hate the unpredictability of life. I hate that life is unpredictable and anything could happen at any time.
The driver interrupted my sad take on life as he said, “Ma’am, I’d just find a parking lot to hold on to so you can put yourself together. Then I’d head over to your destination. You need some time to relax.”
“Oh, so sorry. I forgot I hadn’t given you the address. Wellington Street. House 8, Wellington Street.”
“Alright, I’ll head over there right away.”
The voice of the Artificial Intelligence persona on the map indicated he had inputted my address on the application. At least this AI didn’t experience heartbreak in any form like I am currently experiencing.
After what feels like seven years of torture with the long ride home, he pulls into my driveway, and I pay him for the fare.
Before I head out, he says to me, “I know you didn’t ask for my advice or opinion, but I just need to assure you that in the end, life always turns out fine.”
There was no strength in me to argue over what he just said, so I nodded, hoping everything would automatically turn out fine for me.
“Thank you,” I say as I step out of the vehicle and proceed to my front door.
My eyes turn to his house, and his car is absent from the driveway. Is he still at the office? Maybe he needed his own space, too. That would make two of us.
I rush into my room after locking the door behind me.
The mirror reflects a woman who has gone through turbulent roller coasters that she never wanted to get on.
My eyes were red and swollen like I had been hit violently at every turn of the adventure. Who would believe I had walked out of the house this morning looking presentable, only to come back looking like a shadow of myself?
I run a hot bath for myself as I prepare a cup of coffee to douse my sadness.
The heat of the water pierces through my body and hits every nerve, but I am less concerned and wonder if it could wash away my pain, too.
My mind flashes back to my senior year when Damien and Kelvin came around to celebrate with me. He brought a bouquet, three pairs of different-colored sneakers, a fitness wrist watch, and a sweatshirt with ‘Miss Kitten’ written on it.
These items he got were because he knew me so well and the things I genuinely loved.
He knew I loved flowers; roses and tulips were my favorite. I would always pick a pair of sneakers over heels or any other type of footwear. They are my comfort shoes.
I used to run every morning. Hence, I needed a fitness wrist watch to keep track of my steps. The inscription on the sweatshirt emphasized my love for cats even though I have never brought myself to have one because I don’t think I could care for it as I should.
He knows me better than anybody else. Beyond knowing me, he paid attention to the tiniest details and acted on them as often as possible to my advantage.
The water turns warm and then cold, which is my signal to leave. I get into my bedroom and fish out the sweatshirt he had given to me to pair with my loose pants.
I head down the stairs to grab another cup of coffee with a leftover slice of avocado sandwich I had earlier.
As the coffee maker beeps, there is a knock on my door, and I can already tell who it is from the noise of screeching tires I heard a few minutes ago.
Deciding between opening the door or pretending like I had not given attention to the insistent knocking is a struggle, but I finally give in. He wins.
I swing the door open, and he stands right there looking as distraught as I did, or even worse.
His eyes dart toward my sweatshirt, and I’m sure he recognizes it with how his eyes tweak in conviction.
“I’m so sorry, Lea. Please, forgive me.”
He says as he looks into my eyes, searching for a response if I am not ready to give him one with my mouth.
The blast of the chilly wind moved towards our direction, and I could not keep him standing outside. At least, that is the excuse I give myself.
“Come in,” I say to him as I shut the door, leaving the wind to feast on the trees and everyone out there.
He didn’t wait for me to sit down completely before he began his explanations.
“I took some time to think after you left, Lea. I didn’t mean what I said in that way. I genuinely love you, Lea. You are in my thoughts when I wake up and go to sleep. My heart beats to the rhythm of your voice. I have experienced devastation in a million ways, more than once during these past weeks of separation. We live in the same neighborhood and work in the same office, yet it felt like you were so far away from me.”
“I could not bear to imagine a great physical distance between us. The mere thought of it scared me, so I reacted the way I did.”
“Your parents mean so much to you. I am vividly aware of that fact. There is nothing I can give you that would replace the vacuum they have left in your life.”
“I also totally agree that you need to be present for the final passing of your parent’s estate to you and Kelvin by the court.”
“You have a life outside Los Angeles, right there in San Antonio, and I missed that point as well. It is up to you to decide where you want to live. I cannot make or impose such decisions on you.”
“You are my partner, or rather, I want you to be my partner. Until then, I cannot boss you around like I own you. I certainly do not. Together, we will work something out. I know we will.”
“Please, I’m so sorry that I hurt you, Lea. I’m truly sorry.”
At this point, there were no obstructions to my tears as I allowed them to flow willingly, with no breaks.
He scoots closer to me on the couch and holds onto me as I sob in his arms.
This felt like déjà vu from the movie night with popcorn we had a few weeks back. However, this time, we had both hurt each other.
“I’m sorry too, Damien. I didn’t realize how the walls I had built between us hurt you deeply. Only my thoughts and my interests were considered, and I didn’t think of yours.”
“The idea was to save our friendship from any brutal ending in case our relationship never worked out, but I didn’t even give us a try.”
“Now that you say these words to me, I see the smallness of my thinking in discarding every possibility of us and what we share ever becoming a reality.”
“I am sorry that I didn’t try to give us a chance, and I’m sorry that I hurt you this much.”
He clings as though I would slip away from his hands if I weren’t in his embrace.
“As much as I always want to hold you this way, I don’t want you crying while I do so,” he says.
As we chuckle at his feeble joke, I catch a whiff of his woody aroma from the black leather jacket, saturated with his distinctive fragrance.
“Lea, I want to hold you close to me, but I never want to hold you back from doing what is best for you.”
At this moment, nothing else matters. San Antonio or Los Angeles, I just want to be right here with this man who smells like musky wood.