Chapter 14 Flynn
FLYNN
I manage to sneak onto the farm without anyone noticing I’m wearing yesterday’s clothes.
I go to my room and change. My shoulder is stiff and a little sore, making me regret my life choices.
I should have asked Jimmy for another massage, but I’d have ended up getting turned on again and wanting way more.
Not a good call when I need to sort my head out.
Is Jimmy right that who I see and who I sleep with is none of Billy’s business?
I guess he is right, but that doesn’t mean Billy won’t see me sleeping with Jimmy as a betrayal.
What if I keep seeing Jimmy, and it becomes serious?
There’s no way we could keep it from Billy forever, nor should we have to.
I put my walking boots on. Fresh air is the best thing for a clear head, and there are lots of walks in the area that I haven’t taken the time to explore.
Angus is in the yard, adding water to his jeep’s windscreen washer tank. He smiles and waves.
I wander over to him out of politeness. We barely know each other. Most of the time, we’re like ships passing in the night.
“Got plans for your day off?” he asks.
I did. I'd intended on spending the day with Jimmy, watching anime, but I messed that up by having sex with him. “Going for a walk.”
“Alone?”
“Uh, yeah.” Is that so surprising?
He replaces the cap on the windscreen washer tank and closes the bonnet with a clunk. “Want some company?”
“I—uh—don’t you have finals?”
“My last one is tomorrow, and, right now, I could do with a break from revision. But, if you’d rather be alone?”
“Company is good. But, uh, I think Jimmy is working out today, if you’d rather do that.” I wince as I realise what I said.
Angus raises his eyebrows. “How do you know what Jimmy’s doing?”
I kick a loose stone. “We’ve been hanging out a bit.” Why deny it? Angus already knows we slept together when I first arrived. Not that he knows that I know he knows.
“That’s great. I’m glad you’re reconnecting.”
I smile. “Me too.”
“Give me five minutes and I’ll show you one of the nicest walks around here.”
“Okay.”
I lean against his jeep while I wait. How am I going to sort my head out?
I can’t get over Billy just because I want to be with someone else.
If it were that simple, I’d have erased him from my heart months ago.
Nothing I can do will change the fact that Jimmy and Billy are twins.
Nothing. Which means I have two choices: continue sleeping with Jimmy, knowing I’m going to hurt Billy, or deny my feelings for Jimmy, so I don’t hurt Billy.
“Is everything okay?” Angus asks.
I almost jump out of my skin. I put my hand on my chest, over my frantically beating heart. “Yeah, I was just lost in my thoughts.”
“Penny for them?”
I pull a face. “No one says that anymore.”
Angus laughs and shrugs. “I do. This way.” He strides towards one of the fields, which is being allowed to recover while the cows graze elsewhere.
I follow, falling into pace alongside him. I have to walk faster, as I’m shorter.
“Do you want to talk?” he asks.
I shrug. Do I? I don’t know Angus that well. Plus, he’s Jimmy’s best friend. Although maybe that’s a good thing, because he won’t want Jimmy to get hurt. I don’t want to hurt Jimmy.
The path cuts diagonally across the field, towards a copse. In a neighbouring field, I spy a dilapidated barn. I’ve noticed it before, but haven’t paid it much attention. Now it seems like a good distraction.
I point to it. “I could help your dad fix it up.”
Angus’ face flushes red. He turns away, so he’s facing the barn. “No need. We don’t need the storage space.”
“Wouldn’t it be better to tear it down, then?”
“I guess Dad will get around to it one day.”
Now I’m curious. The closer we get, the easier it is to see tyre tracks in the field, leading to the barn. They’re not fresh, but they’re not old, either. Someone is using that barn for something. Is it Angus?
“So, you and Jimmy? What’s going on there?”
We’re past the barn now, almost at the copse.
Angus waves his hands. “You don’t have to tell me.”
I sigh. I need someone to talk to. Why not Angus? “You know we slept together?”
“Yes.”
“That time we were drunk. We didn’t have that excuse last night.” I brace myself for a look of disapproval that never comes.
“Do you need an excuse other than being into each other? You are into him, right?”
“Yes.”
“And he’s into you. So what’s the problem?”
“He’s my ex-husband’s twin.”
“So? Like I told Jimmy, the keyword is ex-husband. You and Billy are history. He doesn’t get a say in who you’re with now.”
I blow out a breath. “I wish it were that simple.”
“It is.”
The light in the copse is dappled as it strains to reach us through the canopy above. Branches sway and creak in the breeze, birds twitter, and insects buzz. Somewhere ahead, getting closer with every step we take, water babbles over stones.
I shove my hands into my pockets. “I can’t act like Billy won’t be upset.”
“I’m not sure he has a right to be.”
I stare at Angus. “Jimmy is his brother. Wouldn’t you be upset?”
“Hey, I’m an only child, so take my advice with a pinch of salt, but this is how I see it: you and Billy aren’t together anymore. You and Jimmy like each other. Billy is just going to have to act like an adult and deal with it. You don’t owe him anything anymore, especially not your happiness.”
“I don’t want to get between him and Jimmy.” Except they’re not on speaking terms, which is my fault.
We reach a small brook, winding through the trees. The water is clear.
Angus crouches, picks up a water-polished stone, and skims it across the surface of the water. “Why do you like Jimmy?”
I blink. “What do you mean?”
“Tell me why you think he’s great.”
“He’s Jimmy.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“All right. He’s kind, caring, and funny. He—” I falter, my voice dying in my throat.
“What? Unless it’s T.M.I.”
I chuckle. “It’s not. He takes care of me.”
Angus folds his arms over his splayed thighs. “You say that like Billy didn’t.”
“What? No. I didn’t mean it to come across like that. I—” I shake my head.
“Did he?” He picks up another stone and skims it.
“Yes, of course.” He did, didn’t he?
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Why did you break up?”
“I didn’t want to give up my dream of working on a farm. He didn’t like that I had to get up so early to get to uni, or to whatever farm I was doing placements on. I woke him up. And then I was tired when I got home.”
“Did you discuss living somewhere a bit more equidistant from what you both wanted to do?”
“I suggested it.”
“But?” He stands and jumps over the brook.
I follow. “He said it wouldn’t work. What was the point in us both having to do extra travel?”
“So he let you do all the travelling and made you feel guilty about it?”
I clench my teeth. “I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to. Did he end it, or did you?”
I hunch my shoulders. “He asked me to choose.”
“Between your dream and him?”
I nod.
“And you chose your dream?”
“I hesitated. He said that was enough of an answer and that we should break up.”
“Did you agree?”
My eyes sting with tears. “No. I told him I’d try harder to make it work.”
“And?”
“He said I shouldn’t have hesitated. That it was proof I loved farm life more than him, so what was the point?” I hug myself. My throat is raw, my vision blurred.
“No offence, but he sounds like a selfish arsehole.”
“It wasn’t like that,” I rasp. “Maybe he was right.”
“And the fact you believe that shows he did a right number on you.”
“A what?”
“Sorry. That's a Yorkshire-ism. He wanted everything his way and made you feel bad if it wasn’t.”
I shake my head, wanting to deny it, but I can’t.
“You don’t owe him anything,” Angus says.
We walk out of the trees, onto a hill that overlooks a village.
“Wow,” I whisper.
“It’s a nice view, isn’t it?”
“Gorgeous.”
“I might not enjoy farm life, but I wouldn’t want to give up being close to views like this for the world.
It’s one of the reasons I’ll never stray far from Leeds.
No matter how close to the centre you live, you don’t have to go far to end up somewhere like this.
It’s big, but not so massive that you ever feel disconnected from nature. ”
I blink to try to clear the tears from my eyes. It doesn’t work.
“I don’t know much about making a relationship work, except that everyone in it needs to work at it.
It can’t be one person doing all the taking, and another doing all the giving.
Look at my parents. Mum needs to be with Gran while she’s unwell.
Dad needs to stay on the farm. Do you think either of them is making the other feel guilty that they can’t be together right now? ”
I shake my head.
“They wouldn’t do that to each other, because they love each other.
” He stands, with his arms folded, staring at the horizon.
“Dad and I might not always get on, but he would do anything for Mum. Anything except giving up the farm he’s spent his whole life on.
And Mum would never ask him to, because it means the world to him.
” He turns around and prods me in the chest. “Which is why she hired you. To keep this farm going. Dad can’t do it alone and my heart’s not in it.
But yours is. Farm life is your dream, and no one who claims they love you should ever ask you to give that up. ”
An ugly sob escapes me.
Angus grips my left shoulder in a supportive gesture. “Does Jimmy make you happy?”
I nod, unable to speak.
“If the two of you want to be together, nothing else matters.”
I stare at him through watery eyes. “Are you sure you don’t know much about relationships?”
He smiles. “Let’s just say I’m learning.” He squeezes my shoulder. “You need to stop letting Billy control your life.”
“I haven’t—” I snap my mouth shut. Except, I have. Except I’ve been so worried about his feelings and happiness, I’ve been neglecting my own.
I roll my shoulders back and lift my chin. Angus is right. I have to live my life for me, not for Billy. My resolve crumples. “That doesn’t mean I should do something that will hurt him,” I whisper. “It’s selfish.”
“Do you think Billy is worrying about how his actions might affect you?”
“This is different. He’ll think I’ve fallen for Jimmy on purpose. He’ll think I’m screwing his brother to get revenge on him.”
“Is any of that true?”
“No. Of course not! I— I— Jimmy’s so sweet and caring and—” I clench my fists. “Why couldn’t I have fallen for someone else? Anyone else!”
Angus shrugs. “Because Jimmy’s awesome.”
I stare at him. “Have the two of you ever—?”
“Fucked?” He throws his head back and laughs.
“No. We’re mates, that’s all. But I don’t have to fuck him to know he’s a good guy.
” He gives me an understanding smile. “I get it. It’s a complicated situation.
It would be easier if Jimmy and Billy weren’t brothers.
But I still say fuck it and do what makes you happy. Life’s too short not to.”
“Be selfish?”
“Yes.”
I stare into the distance. Can I be selfish? Can I stop taking responsibility for Billy’s emotions? Can I put myself first?