Chapter 14
14
Julien was kissing Ellie again.
The dream was so intense she could feel everything. The touch of his lips against hers, his warmth, the whisper of his breath on her skin. The scent that was as distinctive as a fingerprint and an echo of the delicious taste of him…
When she woke abruptly, just as those dream hands were sliding down her body, Ellie was aware of two things. One was that a shaft of sheer desire could actually be physically painful, and the other was that memories of such exquisite love making, especially when combined with the anticipation of repeating the experience in the very near future, could overwhelm absolutely anything else.
She wasn’t about to let it stop her doing the things that she was planning to do this morning, like the bike ride to the bricolage to buy some car polish as her contribution to Margot the escargot ’s makeover. But, if the last few days were anything to go by, this anticipation would be there every moment, humming through her body like an electrical current that was both exhilarating and a bit scary at the same time.
Because it felt as if life was unexpectedly speeding up, and, generally, if things kept speeding up, they would start going too fast, and then it was too easy to lose control and if that happened… well…
‘It could end in tears, Pascal, that’s what.’ About to tip dog food into his bowl when they got downstairs, Ellie paused, her hand in mid-air. ‘Except, if you know it’s going to end – even when it’s going to end – doesn’t that mean you’ve actually got nothing to lose, because you know you’re going to lose it anyway?’
Her little dog tilted his head obligingly and wagged his stumpy little tail, but he was far more interested in his breakfast arriving than any question that was far too convoluted to be comprehensible.
Ellie was still thinking about it as she sipped her coffee, however, while she sat out on the terrace to enjoy the early morning stillness and a light that was soft but completely different to the other end of the day. Could she do what Julien had suggested they do and enjoy the ride for as long as it lasted? If it was going too fast, did that mean it would end sooner?
But, if it did, wasn’t quality something to be valued over quantity?
She’d certainly never found qualities in any previous relationship quite like those that seemed to be intrinsic to Julien Rousseau.
That physical hum strengthened more than a few notches as Ellie let her mind drift back to that first night with him. And the next. He hadn’t stayed last night because he had an early start with a clinic at the hospital in Nice, but it was a half-day for Julien today, and he was planning to be back early this afternoon. He had insisted, in fact, that he was going to give her a driving lesson in her own car.
‘You’re braver than you think you are,’ he’d told her. ‘You should know that.’
He wouldn’t be saying that if he knew the thought of being behind the wheel of a car on the wrong side of the road was enough to send a shiver of terror down her spine. Ellie wondered if she could find an excuse plausible enough to wriggle out of the offer when the time came. She felt her lips curving into a smile. Maybe she could persuade Julien that an afternoon in bed might be far more pleasurable for both of them?
That thought sent a much more welcome shimmer down Ellie’s spine. One that culminated in a tingle she could feel quite distinctly in the tips of her toes, which was something she’d never experienced in any previous physical attraction. Was it because the quality of Julien’s lovemaking was also like nothing she’d ever discovered before, or was this a chicken and egg kind of question and it was something about the man, rather than any sexual skills he possessed, that made it so very different?
With a resurgence of that delightful hum in her body that almost made it feel like she was floating, rather than a far more mundane kind of movement, Ellie got on with her morning. Even if she wasn’t going to drive Margot, the little car needed sprucing up so that she could star in Laura’s marketing photo shoot.
Julien could see just how scared Ellie was. He was about to rescue her by saying it really didn’t matter if she learned to drive on a different side of the road because she wasn’t going to be in France for much longer, anyway.
But, as he held her gaze, he could see the moment that she decided she could be that brave after all, and it gave him a surprising glow deep in his chest. Around his heart. The kind of feeling he got when Theo surprised him with the effort he’d put into doing something new.
Je l’ai fait. Je l’ai fait pour toi, Papa…
Pride, that’s what it was.
Even if they didn’t get any further than the end of this road, he was proud of Ellie for taking up the challenge. What he really wanted, however, was for Ellie to feel proud of herself.
‘First things first,’ he told her, when she was sitting in the driver’s seat, clutching the steering wheel, her seat belt fastened. Pascal was sitting on the back seat, watching proceedings with interest. ‘Have you driven a car that is not automatic before? I forget the word for it.’
Ellie nodded. ‘My first car was an old Mini, and that was manual.’
‘Manual… pfft…’ Julien shook his head at his own error. ‘How could I have forgotten that? It’s exactly the same in French. Manuel . Of the hand. Main is hand.’
Ellie clearly wasn’t interested in a language lesson.
‘Where’s the gear stick?’
‘It comes out of the dashboard. Here, see? Put your foot on the clutch and just try the different positions. Pull it out, go left and up for reverse.’
‘Is the clutch in a different place on this side of the car?’
‘No. It is always the same. Clutch on the left, brake in the middle and the accelerator on the right.’
It took Ellie two tries to move the stick into the reverse position, and, on the second attempt, Julien was watching her face rather than what she was doing with her hands. She had deep frown lines as she concentrated hard, and she had the tip of her tongue between her top teeth and her bottom lip.
Adorable … that’s what it was. Like everything he was discovering about her.
Julien had to clear his throat. ‘ Bien … Push down to the left and then pull towards you for first gear. Push in for neutral and then push again for second gear. Pull straight back towards you for third.’
It was getting easier for Ellie now.
‘The top gear is fourth, and you twist to the right and push in – the opposite to reverse.’ But Julien smiled at Ellie. ‘You probably won’t need the top gear today. We’ll just go quietly. To Grasse, maybe?’
He saw Ellie’s chest rise as she took a deep breath. ‘Okay.’ She glanced sideways. ‘What’s “okay” in French?’
‘ D’accord .’
‘ D’accord ,’ Ellie was still looking very serious. ‘Do I just turn the key to start?’
‘You might need a little bit of the starter.’
‘The what?’ Ellie tilted her head to see the knob he was pulling out of the dashboard. ‘Oh… yes… I had a choke on my Mini. I had to be careful not to pull it out too far or it flooded the engine, and then I was stuck.’
The engine chugged into life. Julien reminded Ellie to release the hand brake and use the indicator, and then they made their way, rather appropriately at the pace of a snail, down to the village, past the tiny chapel of Saint Jean.
‘Turn right at the end of this road, beside the Café du Midi . Have you eaten there yet?’
‘No.’
It sounded as if Ellie was speaking through gritted teeth. Julien hid his smile. ‘We will go there soon. Theo thinks they have the best frites in the world, especially when he has an egg to dip them into. It’s a lovely place to sit and watch what’s happening in the square.’
But Ellie was only interested in watching what was happening on the road, so Julien stayed quiet apart from complimenting her use of the gears and brakes as she completed the tight turn that put them on the main road to Grasse and even picked up speed a little as they left the village behind them. He didn’t hide his smile as he saw Ellie hunch her shoulders as they drove through a patch of road carved from rock and even under an overhang as the winding road continued.
‘There is a place you can stop, coming up,’ he told her. ‘Just before a road to the right. There is a bus stop.’
‘You want me to stop?’
‘ Oui .’
Ellie was silent as she pulled onto the side of the road, but then her gaze slid sideways. ‘You want to get out?’ she asked. ‘To catch a bus ? Is my driving that bad?’
Julien laughed. ‘ Pas du tout – not at all. I thought you might like to take a breath, that’s all. And this is the best view of Tourrettes-sur-Loup. You might like to take a photo.’
She did. Then Julien took one of Ellie standing to one side of the distant view of the village over the huge, forest-filled gully. And then someone else who had stopped to admire the view offered to take a picture of the two of them. Julien put his arm around her shoulders, and he knew she was smiling up at him rather than at the camera when the photos were being taken because he was smiling down at her. The tourist who handed back the phone was also smiling.
‘ Votre copine est si belle ,’ he murmured.
Julien was not about to deny that Ellie was very beautiful. But his girlfriend ? Is that what Ellie was?
She was most certainly his lover, but could she be considered a girlfriend when it was only going to be for such a short amount of time?
What did labels matter, anyway? It was a beautiful day, and this was fun. He hadn’t had fun with an adult, let alone such an attractive woman, since… maybe he didn’t want to remember the last time, because this was new. Different.
Better …
‘I wonder if I can remember how to roll up the roof,’ he said, taking Ellie’s hand as they ran back across the road to where Margot was parked. ‘Would you like to have the wind in your hair?’
‘I might not be able to see where I’m driving. Then we might both want to catch a bus home.’
‘I could drive.’ Julien was grinning. ‘I would rather like to feel like a teenager again.’
He disconnected brackets and undid oversized domes to fold back the front flap of the soft roof and roll the fabric until he could find the leather straps at the back and secure the roll with more domes. With Ellie strapped into the passenger seat, he could put his foot down and show her what fun this little car could be, with its quirky suspension, as they bounced over any bumps in the road and rolled around corners.
He did feel like a teenager again.
Out with his copine …
And he did like it. He liked it enough to suggest another outing when he was clipping the roof back into place. Ellie was trying to find the clip on her side of the car, but she had to push back curls of her hair that the wind had teased free of her ponytail to see what she was doing properly.
‘Ouch.’ She scrunched up her face in pained surprise as her fingers caught in knots in her hair. ‘It’s sad that there’s such a downside to having your hair blowing in the wind when it’s such fun to do.’
‘ C’est la vie. ’ But Julien smiled. ‘You could wear a scarf like the old-time movie stars. Brigette Bardot? Lauren Bacall?’
‘I could never be so stylish. But a scarf is a good idea for next time.’
Next time…
‘Would you like to come with me when I go up to Roquebillière to visit Theo and see how my grandmother is doing?’ Julien spoke without thinking. ‘It would be good driving practice for you, and there are some wonderful places to see. We could even take Theo up to the wolf park in the mountains. He’s been begging to go there again.’
Ellie was still trying to untangle her hair, and Julien leaned into the car to fold down the last clip to fasten the roof. Out of sight, he found himself making a face not unlike the one Ellie had made when she’d tugged her hair so sharply.
He was suggesting a family outing? That Ellie spend time with Theo by choice and not the necessity it had been on the night of his grandmother’s accident?
He could hear an echo of his son’s sleepy voice the first time he’d laid eyes on Ellie. When she’d been holding Theo in her arms, and he’d woken up and smiled at her.
‘ Maman ?’
Theo was already aware that something was missing in his life. How easy would it be for such a young child to get attached to someone who looked as though they could fill that space?
He remembered the way Ellie had been watching Theo as he slept that night, too. Watching him breathe? The intensity of what was in the air around her had made him catch his own breath. How overwhelming would it be for a mother who had lost her child to feel that soul-deep need to care and protect?
He could hear an echo of that heartbreaking question she’d asked about why he’d been so sure he could trust her to look after his son, and he understood the depth of her pain. He knew how he would feel if something happened to Theo. How he would choose to die himself if it could prevent that happening to his child.
So he understood why Ellie didn’t think that she deserved to be trusted with caring for a child. He just wished there was some way he could let her know that not only could she care for one, but – if she let herself – she could find that kind of love again in her life.
But not yet.
And not with his son, when it was only for a short time and would end up causing heartache for everyone involved.
As Julien straightened, he found himself meeting Ellie’s gaze. His thoughts had, of course, been in French, but it felt like every word had been understood, and he felt a need to protect Ellie that was almost as fierce as the need to protect his son from that heartache.
‘Désolé ,’ he said quietly. ‘That was thoughtless of me.’
She understood the apology, as well, and the poignant curl of her lips told him that she appreciated his understanding. His protection? It was all the confirmation he needed that it was far too soon for Ellie to imagine including a child in her life in any significant way. But it was that poignancy that touched his own heart and drew him to her with a force that was irresistible. He had to touch her lips with his own before that curl finally faded, and, while the lack of any desire to keep an eye on protective boundaries should have been a warning, Julien couldn’t have cared less.
This… whatever it was between them was only going to last until Ellie went home. Until the last summer market, which was only a matter of weeks away. It was something that was just between the two of them, and it didn’t need to involve something like a family outing with Theo.
Surely it wouldn’t do any harm to simply enjoy it for what it was? To feel this alive again and regain hope for any future joy he might be lucky enough to find in his life? It felt as if Ellie could also find that hope again, and that made this even more special. Important, even.
‘I will go and visit Roquebillière by myself,’ he told her. ‘But, after that, we can give you more driving practice.’
‘ D’accord…’
Her pride in remembering her new word made Julien smile. He loved the joy he could see in her face. That he was, more and more, coming to see the real Ellie as she gained enough confidence to emerge from where she’d been hiding.
It made kissing her as they stood in this dusty old garage as necessary as taking his next breath. He carefully smoothed his hands over the tangles in her hair so that he could hold her head and find the perfect angle to let his tongue dance with hers and taste every astonishingly delicious corner of her mouth.
She was so different to any woman he’d ever been with.
Was it because he could feel what she was thinking so often? Like her pride in remembering a new word or overcoming her fear of driving? Sharing her appreciation of a view or a painting that captured some of the colours and light of Provence was a gift. She had taught him to love the smell of sunshine on sheets that had just been washed. The sound of an accordion playing a classic French song. The taste of simple food like fresh tomatoes and basil. He would never ever forget the sigh of pleasure that he could invoke by touching her bare skin…
It would be so easy to fall in love with this woman.
Not that that was going to happen, bien s?r . The boundaries of this brève liaison were what was making it possible to be this close to her, because they were making it safe.
But he was going to remember this time with Eleanor Gilchrist for the rest of his life.
Oddly, that thought gave Julien a wash of something that felt like sadness.
Was he missing her already?