Chapter 21
21
Julien didn’t want her to go with them.
Ellie totally understood that his focus was on Theo to the exclusion of anything or anyone else. Nobody would have the time or inclination to translate what was being said or done. She would only be in the way.
Theo had his father with him. Julien was with his precious son.
They had each other to cling to as their world was tipping upside down.
She understood that neither of them needed her, but that only made her feel more frightened.
Bereft, even…
The journey home to La Maisonette, after watching the helicopter take off and carry what felt like a large part of Ellie’s heart away with it as it flew towards Nice, seemed to take an excruciatingly long time. She’d thought it was because she couldn’t communicate with the silent police officers in the front seats, but it turned out that time had simply slowed to a crawl because it was just as slow after she arrived at the small house that suddenly no longer felt like a sanctuary.
She gave Pascal dinner that he wasn’t remotely interested in eating. She didn’t bother even thinking about getting any food for herself because she knew she wouldn’t be able to swallow a thing. Ellie was uninjured, apart from a few scrapes and bruises, so it wasn’t anything physical that was causing the pain she could feel. She sat outside, barely noticing the remnants of storm clouds catching the colours of the sunset, with her little dog on her lap, her arms wrapped around him, seemingly content to stay there for as long as it took to offer her comfort that couldn’t be found.
What if Theo died?
It would feel like losing Jack all over again.
Ellie had known there could be pain involved in getting close to Julien Rousseau when it was never going to be for more than a summer fling, but she’d never imagined this kind of pain. Was it actually possible that it could feel just as unbearable as losing her own baby? Or even worse, somehow, because this would destroy Julien as well as Theo and… and she loved them both.
She’d thought she’d never be able to love like this again.
How wrong had she been?
Minutes ticked past and turned into an hour. And then another. It was completely dark, but Ellie didn’t want to go inside and lighting candles seemed somehow inappropriate. Faint moonlight came and went through gaps in the clouds and the temperature dropped, but it wasn’t cold enough to send her inside and it certainly wasn’t cold enough to compete with the icy fear she was grappling with.
It was almost midnight when Ellie felt Pascal’s muscles tense and the rumble of a low growl from his throat. The glow of light coming from the direction of the olive grove made her breath catch.
‘It’s okay, Pascal,’ she said. ‘It’s only Julien.’
Only ?
What a ridiculous word to use when the approach of this man held so much significance. When he held the power over both what her future would be and whether she had to relive a past where the wounds she’d thought were healing would be ripped wide open all over again.
But the first words Julien spoke changed everything.
‘He’s alive,’ he told her. ‘Theo’s alive.’ He sank onto the other wrought-iron chair beside the table, put his head in his hands and his next words were a sigh. ‘He’s going to be okay.’
Ellie tried to stifle a sob but it escaped. She scrubbed at her face to try and prevent tears, but she couldn’t stop her voice shaking.
‘I’ve been so scared,’ she whispered.
‘Me too.’
His sharp intake of breath made her think he was also fighting tears. He was sitting close enough for her to be able to reach out and touch him, but instinct told her that physical contact might be too much for him and… perhaps he was struggling for control because he needed to be strong. For himself but also for his family and most of all for Theo.
When he dropped the shield of his hands and looked up, he avoided direct eye contact.
‘It was touch and go,’ he said slowly. ‘The worst time of my life was when they took him away from me and into theatre. Waiting for him to wake up afterwards and to hear his voice.’
‘So he’s awake?’ Ellie tried to smile but had to bite her lip to catch another sob of relief.
‘He’s asleep again now. I’ve just come home to get some of his favourite toys and his special blanket. He’ll have to stay in hospital for a few days at least.’
‘But he’s going to be okay…’ Ellie was talking to herself but she had to say the words aloud.
‘They couldn’t operate until they’d done a scan to see what they would be dealing with, and there was a chance that he might bleed to death before they could repair the damage.’
‘But he didn’t…’ Ellie breathed. ‘And he’s going to be okay. Oh, Julien… that’s just the best news. What did he say when he woke up?’
‘He wanted to know where his little tree was.’ Julien’s huff of breath was a pale imitation of amusement. ‘I had to tell him that most of it had been cut off before he went into the machine to see what was happening inside his tummy.’
‘Oh…’ Ellie was trying to shake off a ripple of guilt that she knew would haunt her later. ‘If only I hadn’t wanted to go to that village with the gargouille . He wouldn’t have found that branch and thought it was a good idea to make it float down the hill.’ Her voice caught. ‘He wouldn’t have been holding it in the car when?—’
‘When I crashed it.’ Julien’s voice was rough. ‘There’s no point doing that, Ellie. None of this was your fault.’
‘It wasn’t your fault, either,’ Ellie said fiercely. ‘It only happened because that truck was on the wrong side of the road. Because of the storm. Because of the cyclists. You cannot blame yourself. You probably saved all of us by avoiding the truck. You certainly helped to save his life afterwards.’
Julien nodded slowly. ‘I would have given my life if that was what was needed to save him.’
Ellie opened her mouth to echo the ‘me too’ Julien had said earlier but the words didn’t emerge. That was partly because it felt far too much to tell him she had fallen in love with his son when she’d never told Julien how deep her feelings for him had become. It was also because he had finally met her gaze directly and was holding it, and what she could see in his eyes was so far from relief it was shocking.
‘What is it?’ she asked softly. ‘What’s wrong, Julien? What aren’t you telling me?’
He was silent for a long, long moment.
Then he shrugged. As if it didn’t really matter if he told Ellie or not. ‘They had to be prepared to give Theo a transfusion if it was needed during the operation,’ he said. ‘So they did a test to see what his blood group was. There’d never been a reason to test him before, so I hadn’t known.’
Ellie didn’t want the silence that followed Julien’s words to grow any deeper.
‘I’ve never had mine tested,’ she said. ‘I wouldn’t have any idea what it is.’
‘Many people don’t.’ Julien nodded. ‘Unless they’ve been blood donors, as I have. Sarah had no idea of her blood group, but she got tested because she was still alive – just – after the accident and, if they’d had time, they would have given her a transfusion. She was type O. I am also an O.’
Ellie didn’t understand what the significance of this information was. What she did understand, however, was that this was why Julien still looked so shattered even though he knew his son was safe. Maybe he could feel the intensity of her gaze, because he looked directly at her again.
‘Theo is type A,’ he said. ‘Two parents who are type O cannot have a baby that is type A. It’s simply not possible.’ He lowered his eyelids like shutters so that Ellie couldn’t see what he preferred to hide. ‘It means that Sarah got pregnant by someone else. Not by me.’
And then, as if he was having as much difficulty understanding this as Ellie was, he opened his eyes and spoke slowly. Very clearly.
‘Theo is not my son.’
Ellie gasped. ‘Of course he’s your son,’ she said in a tone that said there was no shadow of doubt about it.
‘Not biologically.’
‘That’s not what matters.’ Ellie swallowed hard. ‘Love is the only thing that really matters. You love Theo. You’re the only father he’s ever known. And he adores you.’
‘He certainly needs me right now.’ It was clearly a physical fight against exhaustion as Julien pushed himself to his feet. ‘I have to go back to him. And I have to call my mother and grandmother. Will you be all right? I’m sorry… I haven’t even asked how you are.’
‘I’m fine,’ Ellie said quietly. ‘And yes, you need to go back to look after Theo. Please let me know if there’s anything at all I can do to help.’
Not just to help a family in crisis because a child had been critically injured. Ellie had an urge to try and comfort Julien that was so strong it was unbearable. She had known from that first moment she’d met him, by the way Julien had held and spoken to his son, that Theo was the most precious thing in his life. How could you begin to navigate knowing that he was actually someone else’s child? Ellie knew only too well that emotional injury could be just as hard – if not harder – to heal from than anything physical.
Julien nodded but he was looking at his phone, finding the torch button to tap. ‘I’ll let you know if anything changes,’ he murmured. Stepping closer, he brushed his lips against Ellie’s cheek – a light, apparently meaningless contact – and then turned to walk away. She couldn’t blame him for his distraction. In fact, he wouldn’t be the man she believed he was if he could distract himself by thinking of anyone other than his son right now. But it hurt that it didn’t seem to have occurred to him that he might find support, if not comfort, in her arms.
Ellie watched the light of his torch flickering as it went past the trunks of lemon and then olive trees.
He would tell her if anything changed, but how could anything else change enough to be significant when it felt like absolutely everything that had become so important in her life had already changed? When it felt like there was nothing solid beneath her feet and she was slipping. As if the axis of her world was tipping and she couldn’t find anything solid to hang on to.
Julien was walking back towards where he belonged. To his family. To his mother and grandmother and, most of all, to Theo, who was clearly his son in every way that mattered most, even if he couldn’t see that himself quite yet.
Ellie wasn’t needed. Julien had said so himself.
She didn’t belong here.
Whatever magic this place – and Julien – had brought into her life was gone.
It felt like it was time to go back to where she had once belonged.
It was time to go home…