22. Lucy
Chapter twenty-two
Lucy
I can’t breathe.
The weight of everything feels heavier than it’s ever been before. It presses down on me like a mountain, suffocating me with every step I take.
Liam’s face haunts me. The way his expression shattered when Theo introduced himself as my fiancé. The rawness in his eyes — the pain, the betrayal. I can still see it as clearly as if it happened yesterday.
I try to push it away, but it lingers. The look in his eyes — so full of confusion, of hurt. I never meant to hurt him, not like that. But I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop any of it.
How do you explain something like that?
How do you explain that you’re stuck in a life that’s already been planned for you? A life you have no control over? A life where love doesn’t come into the equation?
I’ve never felt more trapped than I do right now. And it’s not just the engagement, the wedding that’s waiting for me. It’s the fact that everything I’ve wanted — everything I feel for Liam — is slipping through my fingers.
I hate myself for doing this. For letting it get this far. For hurting him.
But how could I have known? How could I have known I’d fall in love with him?
I glance at my phone, the screen dim as the notifications pile up.
Another message from my father asking about the wedding preparations.
He’s anxious, as always even if he is miles away on some business trip.
He doesn’t understand the pressure he’s putting on me.
But that’s how he is — he’s always been that way.
I can’t bring myself to reply.
Instead, I push the phone aside, trying to shake the feeling that everything is slipping through my grasp.
I hadn't even gotten a chance to say goodbye because my so-called fiancé decided to come a week before I was supposed to return. Apparently that man Mr. Fernandez who Liam introduced me to is one of my father’s associates, and he had told him about seeing him with a man.
My father thought the best line of action was to speed things up by sending Theo to get me without prior notice.
I look around the house — my father’s house — and the familiarity of it. Everything is too big, too empty, too cold. The walls close in around me as I think about Liam.
The way he makes me feel seen, like I’m more than just the daughter of a wealthy businessman. The way Liam listens to me, really listens, without judgment. I want that. I crave that connection. I want to go back to the way things were before everything got so complicated.
But I can’t.
I shake my head to push the thought away, but it doesn’t leave.
I stand and grab my coat from the chair, heading out the door. I don’t know where I’m going, but I don’t care. I just need to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Somewhere I can think. Somewhere I can breathe without feeling like I’m suffocating.
I find myself walking through the park, the crisp autumn air cutting through my jacket. The wind stings my face, but I welcome the pain. Anything to numb the ache in my chest.
After a while, I find myself at the edge of the park, standing in front of my nanny’s grave.
She’s the only one I’ve ever truly been able to talk to after my mother died. The only one who really understood me.
Kneeling, I brush my fingers over the engraved words on the stone. The weather has worn them down, but I know them by heart. Beloved Nana. Forever in our hearts.
I swallow the lump in my throat and close my eyes, letting the tears fall freely now. I don’t have to hold them in anymore. I don’t have to pretend everything is okay. Not here, not with her.
“Nana,” I whisper, my voice breaking. “I don’t know what to do.”
My voice trembles as I continue. “I can’t stop thinking about him. About Liam. He’s everything I could ever ask for. And now... now I’ve lost him forever.”
The wind rustles the leaves around me, and I feel a cold shiver run through me. I curl my hands into fists, pressing them to my eyes to stop the tears from falling. But they don’t stop. They keep coming, each one more painful than the last.
I’ve never felt so helpless, so lost.
“I never wanted to hurt Liam.” I say aloud, my voice trembling. “But I have to do what my father wants. I don’t have a choice.” But a tiny voice inside my head keeps asking, “Don’t you, Lucy? Don’t you?” It’s as if my Nana is talking to me from the grave.
I can hear the wind whistling through the trees, a lonely sound that matches the emptiness I feel inside. The tears keep coming, but I don’t stop them. I let them fall freely, letting the grief and guilt pour out of me.
If I don’t marry Theo, my father will lose everything.... he won’t understand. I’ll disappoint him, maybe beyond repair. And Liam... I pause, choking on the thought. He deserves better than me. He deserves someone who isn’t as broken as I am.
I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself, but the ache in my chest won’t go away.
I want to be with Liam. I want to stay with him, to make him happy. But I can’t. I can’t let myself be selfish. I must do what’s expected of me. Just like always, right, Lucy?
But why does it feel like I’m giving up the only thing that ever made me feel alive?
I wipe my eyes, staring down at my hands. My thoughts are racing, spiralling out of control. I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending that everything is okay when it’s not.
I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending that I don’t feel this unbearable pain every time I think of Liam.
I can’t do this.
I can’t let him go.
But I have no choice. My father has made it clear.
I’ll keep my promises, even if it means breaking my own heart in the process.
***
The event planner’s voice drones on in the background, a blur of words that I can barely process. It’s all the same — flowers, music, seating arrangements, catering, guest lists. The list never ends.
But my mind? My mind is somewhere else entirely.
I try to focus, nodding along, smiling politely as she rattles off details I’ve heard a thousand times before. The weight of the engagement party preparations sits heavily on my chest. The more she talks, the more suffocating everything feels.
I’ve been drowning in this for days, and yet the deeper I go, the more I’m suffocating. The party. The dress. The vows. It’s all supposed to be this beautiful thing — the culmination of everything my father has worked for, everything I’m supposed to want. But I don’t.
I don’t want any of it.
I can’t even remember when the last time was I felt like I had a say in any of this. The planning, the pressure, it’s all part of a life I never asked for.
The letter I wrote to Liam sits in the back of my mind, a constant reminder of what I’m losing. Every word in that letter feels like a betrayal, every sentence a reflection of everything I’m too scared to say.
I glance out the window of the meeting room, watching the sun begin to dip below the skyline, the sky a beautiful shade of pink and orange.
I try to remember the last time I felt like I could breathe, but it’s hard.
It feels like everything I’ve ever known has been turned upside down in the span of a few weeks.
The event planner pauses, looking at me expectantly, waiting for my input. I glance back at her, blinking a few times before forcing myself to respond. “Yes, that sounds good,” I say, my voice flat, too tired to even muster a smile.
She doesn’t seem to notice. She continues talking, too caught up in the details to realize I’m not really there.
A moment later, I excuse myself. “I’m sorry, I think I’ve had enough for today,” I say quickly, my voice too quiet for comfort.
She protests immediately, asking if I’m sure, if there’s anything she can do to make the process easier.
But I don’t need anything else. I need to be away from this — from everything that reminds me of the life I’m supposed to lead.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” I tell her, my voice a little more firm this time.
She nods reluctantly, and I stand, grabbing my purse from the table. The heavy thud of my shoes against the hardwood floor echoes in the silence as I leave the room.
As I step into the hallway, I feel a wave of relief wash over me, like I can finally take a breath. It’s fleeting, though, because the weight of the situation is always there, pressing down on me.
I walk through the halls, past my father’s office. I can hear him on the phone, his voice low and commanding as he talks about the upcoming event. The sound of his voice is familiar, but it doesn’t comfort me anymore.
I step outside into the cool evening air, the silence a welcome contrast to the chaos inside. The sun has dipped below the horizon now, leaving a dark, starry sky in its wake.
I pull out my phone, staring at the message I haven’t sent. It’s a draft of a letter to Liam, a letter I’ve been writing for days now. Every word is a reflection of what’s been eating me alive — the guilt, the love, the confusion. I can’t bring myself to send it, though.
I stare at the screen, my fingers hovering over the send button, my heart racing in my chest. The words feel like a lifeline, but they’re also a trap. They’re the words that will end everything, the words that will confirm to him that I’m not the person he thought I was.
I want to tell him I love him.
I want to tell him that everything that’s been happening feels wrong, that I want to be with him. I want to tell him that I hate this life — this arranged marriage, this fake engagement that’s been set up for me.
But I can’t.
I can’t because I know what will happen if I do.
My father will disown me. The family business will crumble. The people I’ve known my whole life will turn their backs on me.
And I’ll never forgive myself for that.
So here I sit, staring at the screen for what feels like hours, unable to make a decision. My heart is torn, my mind a storm of conflicting thoughts.
I close my eyes, letting out a long breath.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending.
I wish I could tell him the truth. I wish I could tell him I’m not who I’ve been pretending to be.
But what does that change? I’m still trapped, and he’s still hurt.
The sound of my phone buzzing in my hand pulls me from my thoughts. It’s another message from my father, asking about the arrangements. My stomach tightens. I have to go back.
I have to face this.
I type a quick response, telling him everything is on track, and then toss my phone back in my purse.
I’m standing at a crossroads, and I don’t know which way to go.
The pressure of the impending engagement weighs heavily on me as I make my way back to the car.
I should’ve ended it with Liam. I should’ve told him everything before it got too far. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to. I thought maybe there was a way out, that maybe I could still have a chance to live my life the way I wanted.
But I was wrong.
I’m trapped in a world of my father’s making, and I can’t escape.
I pull out my phone again, my fingers trembling as I look at the picture of Liam — the one he sent me that night we kissed. I didn’t realize then how much it would mean to me. Now, it’s the only thing I have left of him.
I look at it for a long time, wishing things could be different.
I wish I could go back and make a different choice.
I take one last look at the photo before placing my phone back in my purse.
I can’t change the past. But maybe, just maybe, I can still change the future.
But first, I have to face the truth. And the truth is, I can’t have both.
I can’t have Liam. And I can’t have the life I’m supposed to live.
Not unless I let everything fall apart. And I’m not ready to do that yet.