Chapter 23
THEN: DIANA
Diana’s eyes opened with the echoes of the past in her mind.
She wasn’t sure why she’d had that particular dream, a memory, a nightmare really.
She had almost lost Maggie. All because she had failed to mention that she shared monthly emails with her ex-girlfriend.
She truly hadn’t meant for it to be a secret, or maybe she had.
There had been something about what she and Maggie built belonging just to them.
Sure, Julia knew, but she was the only one.
Diana didn’t even think her mother’s prying nature had figured it out; otherwise, she was pretty sure she would have shipped Diana off to Greggory’s by now.
Diana didn’t like that they had to hide, but she didn’t mind something belonging just to them.
Plus, now that Maggie wasn’t cheering anymore they had plenty of time to hang out with one another on the orchard.
Diana and Julia had even taught Maggie some of the basics around the place.
There had also been something about the emails being something that belonged to just her and Jay.
A fact that Diana didn’t like to dwell on because it made her feel guilty, as she knew it should.
Julia had been right, she should have told Maggie.
Diana thought maybe she’d never mentioned it because Jay had nothing to do with them or her life really.
That, and Maggie seemed to always grow jealous at the mention of Jay.
Still, she told Jay about Maggie, and how in love with her she was, so it had hurt that Jay hadn’t shared how serious things had gotten with Michaela.
Jay had explained later that it was because everything with Michaela had been new and needed to be just between them till she felt it was healthy enough for the world.
That had made Diana feel better for more than one reason.
One, it explained why Jay hadn’t told her in a way that was reassuring because it made complete sense.
But more importantly, it made her grow warm with the realization that she had been so sure about her and Maggie from the beginning.
Maggie was her everything, and she had told Jay as much on several occasions.
Which is why the fact that she’d hurt Maggie haunted her.
Which explained why she replayed the scene in her dreams, only Dream Maggie goes into Julia’s room and is gone forever, the door burning up in front of her and revealing nothing but a cold wall, behind which Diana can hear her love crying but can’t reach her.
Snuggling deeper into the mattress and burying her face in Maggie’s hair, she inhaled, reassuring her that she was real, that things had been rough going, but they were largely okay.
“Babe, we gotta get up, it’s Monday, we have school,” Diana said, even though she was sure Maggie had likely woken up first.
“Yeah I know, it’s just going to be so cold outside today, I just know it,” Maggie said, her voice groggy from lack of sleep.
Diana thought she was right if yesterday had been any indicator.
November had rolled in rainy and cold. But today was an important discussion regarding college admissions for January, and they had to be on time today, seniors or not.
“Alright, so now that we’ve gone through the whole process, please meet with your individual college counselor with the list of schools you will be applying to.”
The crowd of students began to move about the gymnasium where they had sat for an overview of the college application process. The whole thing had been boring and drawn out but informative. Diana was more concerned about the conversation she knew she was about to have afterwards.
Sure enough, as they left the room Maggie asked, “So you still thinking of staying here on the East Coast?"
“Yeah, I am applying to plenty of schools here, but listen, Mags,” Diana said as she guided her girlfriend outside the gymnasium and towards the main school building.
“So Coach Matthews, she approached me with another idea, given my grades and well, the fact that I am going to inherit my parents’ orchard one day. ”
Maggie rounded on her, her eyes focused. “Where?” Maggie asked.
Diana steeled herself to answer. As one of the facilitators of the college process, Coach Matthews had just approached her yesterday afternoon, and she had just decided this morning to move forward with her idea.
“UC Davis, in California. They have a bitchin’ horticulture program there, and Berkeley has a sick ass botanical garden and—”
“Berkeley?” Maggie said, her eyes narrowed. This was the part Diana had been hoping to avoid. After all, things had gotten good between them.
“UC Berkeley is only like an hour away, and I can apply to be able to attend either or both schools, and then take unavailable classes at either.” Diana watched her girlfriend’s face. Watched the slight flush begin to creep across her cheeks.
“Doesn’t Jay go to UC Berkeley?”
“Yes, but—”
“Unbelievable,” Maggie said, and she began to march away.
“Mags!” Diana ran after her, but Maggie was determinedly walking forward, and Diana knew she couldn’t have this fight here, not without drawing attention to them. Friends fighting was one thing, but that is not the energy Maggie was moving with right now.
“You okay?” a voice said from behind Diana, and she turned to find Janice standing there. Holding her signature pile of books, her coiled hair in two pompoms like Scary Spice.
“I will be,” Diana said weakly. Then because it had been a long time since the two had caught up, she asked, “Lunch?”
Diana had invited Janice over after she realized just how much she enjoyed Janice.
This had become more clear as Janice continued to push Diana on what was wrong, and seeing the genuine concern in the other girl’s face, Diana had realized Janice was probably actually someone she should be friends with.
They’d run out of time before really getting into it, and Janice had offered to talk more, so Diana invited her over after school.
After school, Diana had waited briefly for Maggie to make an appearance at their usual spot, but hadn’t been surprised when she hadn’t shown. Janice did, however, and they made their way back to the orchard.
“So,” Janice said while Diana drove.
“So,” Diana said back.
“Okay, so let’s keep going. So, you just told Maggie that you are considering the same college your ex-girlfriend just happens to go to, the one you are still talking to?” Janice said pointedly.
Diana rolled her bottom lip between her teeth for a moment, and then said, “Honestly? I am considering a school that makes sense for my future and it is an added bonus that my friend–who happens to be my ex, but it is possible to be friends with an ex,” Diana emphasized because she truly believed this, “is also going to be there.”
There was a pause before Janice said, “Is Jay just an ex who is now your friend?”
Diana didn’t know how to answer that question.
Not when a part of her loved Jay and would probably always love Jay.
Not like she loved Maggie, and not like the way she wanted to continue to love Maggie.
But they had built something together that she knew she’d carry with her for the rest of her life.
“Jay and I are done,” she said finally. “It doesn’t mean that I don’t love her, or that it didn’t feel weird seeing her with her new girlfriend.
It also doesn’t mean that I can’t have a friendship with her, the person I knew before Maggie, a person who is very special to me.
But all of that also doesn’t mean that I am not in love with Maggie.
That she is my everything and I don’t want to lose her. Ever.”
“What if she makes you choose?” Janice asked.
“Then that’s not a relationship I want to have,” Diana said, but even in saying it she hoped Maggie wouldn’t take it that far. She needed Maggie to see she loved her, wanted her. She would choose Maggie every day, but not as an ultimatum.
“God, dating sounds so messy,” Janice said, and Diana snorted.
“Love is fucking crazy. That I can say I do know.”
They continued the drive, and Diana changed the topic for the last short stretch to learn more about Janice’s fanfics. Her new friend elaborated at length about the little universes she was creating. Diana thought it was cool that Janice had that.
“It is a space for me to work out all the crazy thoughts in my head,” Janice responded when Diana said as much.
“Like what?” Diana asked because, as far as she knew, Janice was writing sexy anime fanfic. She wasn’t sure what the audience for that wanted, but considering Janice had mentioned it was the only way she found herself enjoying sex, Diana thought maybe that’s all it was.
“My uncle’s boyfriend died and he couldn’t even say goodbye,” Janice said quietly.
Diana’s hands involuntarily flexed on the steering wheel, not sure of what to say.
“They’d only been together for five years but have been friends for longer.
And he couldn’t even say goodbye. He’s just so sad, he loved him, you know?
Love is such a powerful thing, whether it's expressed physically or not. I’d like to think there is a world out there that will allow my uncle to at least hold his love’s hand in the end.
And I need people to understand why they should want that world too.
I hope I can help build a world where someone like my uncle at least gets to say goodbye, if they have to at all. At least they have that.”
They continued to ride in silence at that, Diana sure her romances were more than just a way for her to enjoy sex. She promised herself she’d start reading them.
She pulled into the driveway and saw that Julia was home, rather early.
They made their way through the house and Diana showed Janice around as they made their way to her room.
When they got there, Diana was surprised to find Maggie waiting for her.
She wasn’t alone. Julia was there as well, which explained why Julia was home so early.
“Oh,” Diana said as the two women stared at the newcomer. Diana was momentarily distracted by the fact that Julia was staring at Janice, her face growing redder by the second. “This is Janice, my friend from school who I apparently never actually hang out with but is super cool.”
“Hey everyone,” Janice said sweetly from behind her. “Guessing you all were not expecting for me to be here, sorry if this is—”
“No no it’s fine,” Julia said, standing and making her way over to where Diana and Janice stood.
“Janice is it? How about I show you around? I’m Julia, Diana’s way more fun sister.
If you like her, you are going to love me, trust me.
” Diana had always marveled at her sister’s charisma and confidence, but for once, she sensed a slight tremor in her sister’s voice, something she knew she picked up by knowing her so well.
“Sure, I’d love an insider’s tour,” Janice said, and the two women left the room, leaving Diana alone with Maggie.
“You’re here,” Diana said, so relieved she almost collapsed right there on the floor. “Look Mags—”
“It’s okay. I get it, I get why you think California is a good idea.
I overheard Coach Matthews mention to Ms. Maddison in the career office that she had told you about it only yesterday and that you’d decided to apply this morning—she’s really happy about that, by the way.
She thinks it’s the perfect program for you. ”
Diana nodded slowly. In truth, the program was perfect for her.
The minute she’d learned more about it through some materials Coach Matthews shared with her, she’d known it was.
There was a reason she and Julia always walked the grounds.
Julia loved being outside, and Diana, despite how she felt about her relationship with her mother, loved the orchard.
She loved the greenery, the work, and the final products.
She loved the business. She truly wanted to make a go of it all one day.
She had felt relief in that moment of the realization, because it meant the part that looked forward to being close to Jay was small.
Finally she said, “Well yeah, it kinda is, and it would be lovely to get away from my parents, that had always kinda been my goal until…” Diana stopped, not wanting to make Maggie feel bad.
“No, say it, go ahead, I need to hear it,” Maggie said, meeting her eyes.
“Until I fell in love with you, and I know you want to stay East Coast and I don’t want to leave you. But Mags, I think, look, I think I can find a way, I can—”
“Diana, it makes me so happy to hear you say this, I can’t tell you.
I love you, and I know you love me. I was just upset because of the whole Jay thing a few months ago, but I know you’ve been pushing yourself to be extra real with me, and I know what we have, I know what we have,” she said and smiled weakly.
Then after a pause she said. “Maybe I can apply somewhere in California too, so at least we are on the same time zone.”
Diana smiled and felt her heart race. “You would do that? Even though it wasn’t a part of your plan? For me?”
“For me too, I think it would be good to get away from my parents. I just need to see about aid and which of the scholarships I applied for can be used for schools outside of the East Coast. So really, this would be for both me and you, for us.”
Diana didn’t waste another minute. She pulled Maggie close and kissed her like she couldn’t ever be close enough. There was a part of her that always thought she never would be.