Chapter 25 Now Maggie
NOW: MAGGIE
Maggie’s heart was racing, but despite all of it, she was proud of herself for not running away, hitting the doorbell, and entering Diana’s house.
She had had a good session with Lauren the day before, and they had gone over what a confrontation would look like.
Lauren had made Maggie go through all of her worst fears, namely that Diana wouldn’t want her by the end of things and that Diana would hate her forever.
Of course, she knew Diana already hated her, she’d said as much, but the idea that this was how their story ended, with Diana hating her, was earth shattering to Maggie.
In addition to going over the worst case scenario, they’d done some dialogue practice and gone over some tactics for remaining calm.
This wasn’t because Maggie was afraid of bearing it all through screams and sobs, but she was afraid she’d run.
Running and hiding was what she’d been doing for decades.
Decades. It sounded ridiculous, but running and hiding was all she truly knew to do to keep herself safe.
Something about tonight had made Maggie get off her bed, shower, and put on clothes and drive over to the orchard.
Truthfully, this hadn’t been the first night she had made it into her car, not even the first night she drove all the way to the orchard, nor the first night she’d gotten out of her car once she got to the orchard.
But it was the first night she had rung the doorbell.
Take a moment to celebrate the small victories of not falling into old patterns.
Lauren’s words echoed in her mind as they made their way to what she was relieved to find was a vacant living room.
She hadn’t seen Jay and Michaela around, and there was no longer the car she identified as their rental in the driveway, but she’d also told herself that even if they were there, she was still talking to Diana tonight.
Once they’d made it into the living room, Diana turned around, her arms refolding across her chest. Maggie had a second to register that a Terminator movie was paused on her television screen.
The screen cut to black and Maggie’s gaze fell on Diana, who held a remote, seemingly picking up on the momentary distraction.
She set the remote down and looked at Maggie.
Maggie watched as what could only be described as fury slowly crept across her face.
She reminded herself that while she and Diana were still in the same spot, the purgatory she had damned them to for decades, she had come a long way since talking with Lauren. And she needed to remember that, while also giving Diana a chance to see that growth.
But first, Maggie tried to steel herself and be brave. When that failed she said, "Should we open up some wine?”
“Why, because we did so well with the last bottle we shared?” Diana said coolly.
“Fair,” Maggie said. And she knew they needed to be clear headed for the conversation they needed to have.
The trouble was, she knew neither of them would have a clear head at the start.
That was the problem with stopgaps, when you finally pulled the plug there was the inevitable rush before things evened out.
Utilizing the same breathing technique she’d used before confronting her mother, she sat down next to Diana.
“Do you still hate me?” Maggie asked quietly.
“Yes,” Diana said without a moment’s hesitation, which stung. Maggie nodded as she felt the tears flood her eyes. But in the end, she was thankful for the honesty, and in the end, knew she deserved it. Hadn’t she been trying to tell Lauren that all along?
“I want you to know that I understand why you hate me, but know that it is not as much as I hate myself.”
“Don’t do that,” Diana said, and Maggie heard the tremble in her voice.
“Don’t go making me feel badly for you, Maggie.
All I do is make space for you. All I do is follow your lead.
All I do is cater to you. Fuck, do you know how long I’ve been in love with you?
” Diana looked into Maggie’s eyes and Maggie could feel everything inside of her breaking.
“As long as I have been in love with you,” Maggie said, before a sob moved through her.
They stayed like that for a while, Maggie sobbing and Diana quiet, though Maggie thought from the sniffling she heard every now and then over her own, that Diana was crying too.
“Fuck,” she heard Diana breathe out. “This is it, Mags—”
“I know, I know.” Maggie reassured her. “Can I touch you?” There was no verbal answer, Diana just leaned over into Maggie’s arms, her head sinking down to her lap so that Maggie could cradle her. And then Diana sobbed, and Maggie thought it was one of the worst things she’d ever heard.
They stayed like that for a few beats. Maggie rocked Diana back and forth slowly, petting her hair.
She whispered, “I am so sorry baby,” over and over again.
Finally, she bent her head down and chanced a kiss, a light one she planted softly to Diana’s temple.
Diana sat up instantly, the movement causing Maggie to pull back, afraid that Diana was about to scream.
But then Diana’s lips were on hers, and Maggie melted.
The kiss was wet and messy. Diana’s tears spread and mixed with Maggie’s.
But Maggie kissed her back with everything she had.
She was so tired of denying herself this.
She had for so long and she knew they needed to talk, and that everything would not be perfect, but if they could just have a few moments of bliss between the two of them instead of all the hurt and pain, Maggie intended to relish it.
She cupped Diana’s face to hers and slid her tongue in Diana’s mouth, desperate to taste her, to have her as close as possible.
Diana was always a physical communicator, amongst other things.
Maggie tried to put as much of her sorrow and her future promises into the kiss as much as possible, spelling it out as her tongue danced across Diana’s.
When they finally broke apart, they were breathing heavily, and Diana rested her head on Maggie’s shoulder.
“You better not kiss me and leave me, Mags,” Diana warned.
“I’m not,” Maggie said, taking her lover into her arms as if to solidify the promise.
“We have a lot to get through,” Diana said.
“Yes, and it’s going to hurt, but I am hoping to find us at the end.”
They stood across from each other in the kitchen. No whiskey bottle between them this time, but the tension had returned. The proverbial calm before the storm had passed.
“So,” Diana began, and then she shook her head and let out a breath. “I don’t even know where to start with you Mags,” Diana chuckled coolly.
“We can wherever you want, wherever you need,” Maggie said, looking Diana in the eyes.
“Talk to me, you said you’ve been trying? What does that mean?” Diana said. Maggie knew she deserved to know everything.
“I have been talking to someone, a therapist, and it’s been good. Trying to work some things out.”
“And what? Decades of shit is just going to be worked out in the six weeks you’ve been talking to someone?”
“No—”
“I mean, Christ Mags, what the fuck have you been talking about in there that Damien or myself haven’t told you?”
Maggie counted to five. She had expected this, the offense at the idea that some new person had gotten her to fix herself, when hadn’t Diana been begging her for years?
“Maggie what the fuck? I am so mad at you and I hate you and now you’re telling me that you hope at the end of this there is an us? Now you tell me? I have been begging, pleading, self-deprecatingly so, for years!” This was it, the storm brewing churned. Arriving onto their shore with a scream.
“You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I know?
” Maggie was shouting. “Fuck Diana! I got married, and did everything I was supposed to fucking do to remain safe and whole, and look where it got me. Is that what you want to hear? That I chose wrong? Well I know I chose wrong, okay? I was wrong!” Maggie shouted, each word costing her something dire.
She put her head in her hands, elbows on the island, and began to sob.
It was one of the aspects of this whole thing that hurt her the most: the fact that she had stood at a fork in the road in life, and picked the wrong path, causing so much pain in her wake.
And not only had she picked wrong, she had committed to it.
“Wrong, Maggie. I can forgive you for being wrong when we were kids. I can forgive you for college. Hell, I probably should have fought harder for us, and that’s my fault, I never should have gone to California, I should have—”
“No, I am glad you went. I’m glad because fuck, that would be just another thing I would have ruined for you.”
“Oh brilliant, fucking fantastic, Mags. Thank you for this closure, there was nothing I could have done, was there?” The last sentence rolled off Diana’s booming voice as a soft plea.
“I don’t know, I—”
“You know what’s crazy? Maggie? You never ever told me you know? After everything that happened. You couldn’t even give me that, you couldn’t even—”
“I’m sorry!” Maggie was wailing now, and they stayed silent for a moment. Maggie’s chest was heaving, but in between her sobs she could hear Diana’s and it made her want to die. But she had more to say, they had more wounds to open, more new incisions to make.
“You know it doesn’t even fucking matter. Like I said, I can forgive you for when we were kids. We were kids, and you were scared, and I would never blame you for that. But this whole time Mags, you haven’t been a kid. We haven’t been kids for a long time.”
“I know, okay? Fuck, you think I feel great knowing I continued to pick wrong as an adult? But tell me Diana, tell me how the fuck I couldn’t?
I have a daughter! And I truly love her more than anything or anyone, more than myself.
I know you understand.” She looked up to find Diana’s gaze fixed on her, her expression cooling slightly.
“I would do anything for her, Dee, anything, even if it meant cutting my own heart out. Anything, I know you understand. I had a daughter, and I can’t sit here and say that was wrong.
It is the most right thing I have ever done, Maya is the most right, the best thing I have ever done.
So I sit here, and hate myself for saying I chose wrong, because what I hate more is that I would do it all over again, again, and again, in every lifetime, every universe if it brought me to my little girl.
” Maggie’s chest was heaving again, but she didn’t sob.
If there was anything she wasn’t going to apologize for tonight, it was that.
The truth was, having Maya made all of it worth it to her.
Diana shook her head, “I understand Mags, you know I do. Gavin was a piece of shit but he gave me the best part of him. I know you love Maya, I love Maya because she’s a part of you.
” Maggie watched Diana swallow while looking down at her hands on the island’s surface.
Then she looked up and met Maggie’s gaze once again.
“And you will never have to defend the path that led to her.”
Maggie nodded and then Diana turned her back to her, leaning against her side of the island.
Maggie took it as they were taking a break.
Looking at the clock on the microwave, Maggie could see it was now late, ten-thirty, but not that late.
They still had more to discuss and she knew they’d be touching upon it tonight.
But first, a breather. “You know, I think I will take that glass of wine.”