Chapter 29
THEN: MAGGIE
“So,” Mary started once they’d left the main building and began to circle the outdoor space around the school.
It was lunch, and she hoped Diana caught the note on her locker about her taking it with Mary, and that she’d fill her in later.
Maggie had been surprised when Mary had asked her to talk.
She had been more surprised to find her alone, considering she rarely was without Em or her new boyfriend, Evan McAvoy, these days.
“So?” Maggie said cautiously.
“You and Diana, right? That’s why you quit cheer, threw away everything you’d been working so hard to get?” While the words sent an icy shiver down Maggie’s spine, she always appreciated Mary’s tendency to not beat around the bush.
“I mean, yeah we’ve gotten close, which is what you both wanted right?
You and Em? Just turns out she was a lot cooler than I expected and she also never was going to be a cheerleader.
She hated us.” Maggie added that last bit tactically as a show of a united front, a shared identity. A reminder for Mary to go easy on her.
Mary snorted, which was never a good sign. “Close? Let’s cut the shit Margaret, there is something unnatural about what you two are doing, and you know it.”
Maggie’s mouth went dry, but she tried to remain calm and decided to make Mary work a little more. “Look, I don’t—”
“Cut it out, okay, I know. I see the way you both look at each other. Trust me, I know.” At the urgency in Mary’s voice, Maggie turned to look her once-friend in the eyes, and was surprised. She was expecting to find disgust or triumph, but she was shocked to find understanding in Mary’s eyes.
Maggie flipped through every memory, of every instance, of every time Mary had waited for Em, had supported Em, had encouraged Em, had lent Em a shoulder to cry on.
“Mary, Em, I—”
“Listen, okay? I am the only one who knows and it can stay that way. You want it to stay that way.”
But Maggie was also remembering the way Mrs. Wright had looked at her and Diana that day when the scandal had broken. “You aren’t the only one who suspects though, your mother, Em’s mom—”
“Look, my mom, you know how she is when she has an idea she can’t shake?
She interrogated me alright, Coach Matthews has worked with the cheer squad for a long time, mainly because she’s the only woman of course, but still.
I couldn’t have her thinking–I had to protect Em, okay?
I know my mom has always suspected something, it’s why we’ve been so keen on getting boyfriends, and she has David and now I have Evan.
” She looked both tortured and wistful, and Maggie marveled at how someone could hold both emotions so effortlessly at the same time.
“I like him, I actually like him a lot. I may not be in love, but he's a good guy and so is David. And I think it’s all just a phase, you know? The pressure of cheer and always being around each other. Next year, we’ll be at different schools.
” Mary seemed like she was coaching herself rather than explaining anything to Maggie, but Maggie understood exactly what Mary had done, what she had told her mother when her mother had likely gone and started asking her questions.
“So you what, fucking said what about Coach to your mom? And now, poor Coach—”
“Hey! She’d already seen Coach Matthews at the theatre, she just needed a little more ammo to share with Principal Shelby and the PTA.”
Maggie’s stomach turned unpleasantly. “What was the ammo?” she asked.
“Oh come on, you know, how Coach might have looked at us and stuff.”
“What?” Maggie nearly shrieked, “Coach never–”
“Look, what’s done is done, Margaret, it’s done and there is nothing you can say right now that will make me feel sorry.”
Maggie stared at Mary. She knew disgust was on her face and maybe a little pity. “So you are telling me this is why?”
“Maggie, it’s not going to work, okay? It’s not normal. Wake up, it will never work. What, you both go to California next year, and then what after? I get it, you grew up in that fucking trailer, and your mom wants you to marry rich, but news flash, you can’t marry Diana.”
Mary’s face was flushed but Maggie knew her own was pale. She felt sick, off-kilter. “How did you—”
“Oh please McDonald, I know everything, especially when it comes to anyone close to Em. That includes you.” Mary surveyed Maggie’s face, not with disgust but with a dare for her to have a problem with it.
Maggie realized two things. One, Coach Matthews was going to lose her job because of hatred and fear, and Mary, who was obviously fiercely in love with Em, was a product of that hatred and fear.
Wake up, it will never work.
Mary’s words played on a loop in Maggie’s mind as she made her way to Coach Matthews’ office, off the gym, after school.
One of the last things Mary had mentioned was that it was likely Coach Matthews was on school grounds today to get the rest of her things.
So, Maggie told Diana she would catch up with her after school and fill her in, and would catch a ride back with Julia who always stayed after school for academics, chasing skirts, or sports, Maggie didn’t actually know.
Maggie walked across the wooden floor of the gym, the space still and quiet, save for the faint sounds coming from the small office to the side. She knew she had made it in time, and felt a sense of relief wash over her, for what, she didn’t know yet.
Approaching the door, she gave it a soft knock. The small office consisted of four cubicles, each for a coach or two, depending on the season. She actually didn’t know which was Coach Matthews’ until she saw her auburn hair lift above one of the cubicle walls on the far side.
“Not fucking interested,” Coach Matthews’ gruff voice said, and Maggie found herself smiling.
“It’s a friend, it’s Maggie, Maggie McDonald,” she said, suddenly hesitant. She’d been sure Coach Matthews hadn’t realized it was a student, but what if she had and still didn’t care?
There was a sharp intake of breath and a sniff before Coach Matthews responded. “Kid, I am not supposed to talk to you.”
“I know, and I am not trying to get you in trouble, I just wanted to see you, to talk to you, if that’s okay? I’m eighteen,” Maggie added in case that helped the legality of it all.
There was a watery chuckle, and then, “Come on back, I can’t talk long, gotta pack and scram.”
Maggie made her way into the small office space till she reached the furthest corner cubicle, where she found Coach Matthews.
Her auburn hair had grown out slightly, as if she had skipped a hair cut, and her nails were bare of color and acrylic.
Her white face was blotchy and red, and she had the eyes of someone who’d been crying all this time.
The sight made Maggie’s stomach lurch. The only comfort was that she was dressed in her signature windbreakers.
“Hi Coach,” Maggie said, suddenly forgetting exactly what she’d planned to say. What did one say when faced with someone's personal devastation?
“Hey, kid,” Coach Matthews said, and Maggie preened at the warmth she’d injected into the term of endearment.
There was a beat of awkward silence before Maggie said, “I, I am sorry, for this. All of it.”
Coach Matthews smiled at her sadly and then nodded. “Thank you, you’re a good kid, Maggie.”
There was another awkward silence before Maggie said "Do you need help packing up?”
Coach Matthews stared back at Maggie and then looked around the small space, her gaze resting on a space in the corner of her desk.
A few books remained and a rolling chair had been pushed up tightly against that side, and Maggie saw a bulletin board full of photos, clearly taken over the years.
Gesturing to it, Coach Matthews said, “There isn’t much left, but if you could help take down all those photos I have tacked up on that bulletin board, that would be,” Maggie heard her voice shake, “that would be great if I didn’t have to. ”
Maggie nodded and grabbed the box handed to her and wheeled the chair off to the side so she could get to work. They worked in silence for a few minutes; this time though, Maggie didn’t think it was awkward. She felt like it was solidarity.
“Awfully nice of you, Maggie, truly,” she heard Coach Matthews say from behind her.
“Of course,” Maggie said. And then she blurted out, “Mrs. Wright had no right, what you do outside, well, it isn’t anyone’s business,” and then, before she lost her nerve she said, “I know what it is like to have to, to hide, and I’m sorry.
” Maggie’s face flamed but she knew she wanted to tell Coach Matthews, it was important to her to speak her solidarity out loud for some reason.
Coach Matthews was silent behind her, and Maggie turned around, first looking at the floor before raising her eyes to the woman across from her.
For the second time that day, Maggie was surprised by what she found.
She hadn’t known what she expected, but it hadn’t been devastation.
“Oh Maggie,” Coach Matthews said sadly, and Maggie watched as her eyes filled with tears. “Are you sure?” The question was like a plea.
Maggie hadn't been expecting this, and she felt her mouth go dry, but she nodded.
Nodding as well, slowly, Coach Matthews walked to the next cubicle and reappeared with a rolling chair. She gestured for Maggie to grab the other one she’d previously moved.
When they were seated across from one another, Coach Matthews let out a deep sigh.
“I’m so sorry. I heard the rumors. Just so you know Mrs. Wright used you and Diana Blake as an example of my ‘heathenistic influence’.
” Coach Matthews rolled her eyes and made air quotes.
Her flippant attitude steadied something in Maggie and she felt herself relax slightly.
They were on the same side after all. Both were “heathens”.
“Yeah, Mary Wright told her mom, I am so sorry, if you want I can tell Principal Shelby—” Maggie stopped talking as Coach Matthews raised her hands. Maggie noted the absence of her usual nails. She supposed now that flare was gone.
“It’s okay, it doesn’t matter, I was caught red-handed and well, you know the weight the Wrights hold.
” she said, letting her hands fall to slap the tops of her thighs.
“To think we’d be so careless, just two towns away.
I had taken Louisa to see Lost in Space, the nerd she is.
” A small gleam broke across the anguish on her face for a brief second.
“I was trying to cheer her up, she’s a nurse, and been through so much with her patients in the HIV/AIDS ward.
She’s done so much to go above and beyond for them.
One of her patients whose prospects were good on a new cocktail of drugs took a turn for the worse and died unexpectedly.
Parents didn’t even come to the hospital, just his boyfriend.
” Coach Matthews looked up into Maggie’s eyes with a touch of shock, as if she hadn’t meant to touch on anything related to homosexuality, but then her face relaxed.
Shaking her head, she said, “I just wanted her to have one afternoon where she could laugh and just be her, be free. And she did, she laughed, she cried, she loved the movie, and that moment in the parking lot, I just wanted to hold on to that a little longer for her, and I bent down and I gave her a quick kiss on the lips. Two seconds, tops.” Coach Matthews sighed and ran a hand over her face.
“Will you two be okay?” Maggie asked, because she thought, at least they had each other.
Coach Matthews scoffed. “No, she and I are taking a break, waiting for the scandal to die down. And I am out of a job, and I doubt that I will be able to find another, definitely not in this state, maybe not even New England, not if the rumors and the reason I was fired follow me. No one is going to want a big old Lesbian coaching their kids,” she said darkly.
Maggie felt sick. She looked away from Coach Matthews and at her hands.
When she looked back up, Coach Matthews was surveying her closely.
“Listen, Maggie.” Coach Matthews fixed her with a very intense look, one Maggie couldn’t look away from.
“You’re young, you have your whole life ahead of you.
And while love and all feels nice now because it’s all sunshines and rainbows, all possibility, I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t tell you now that it isn’t easy.
All that possibility, well in my experience, it tends to lead to where I am right now.
I likely won’t be able to find work, Lousia isn’t out to her very Catholic family, there is no way she could support me, and I lived through the eighties, I saw what lack of legal protection does for someone’s happy ever after.
So think very carefully about what you and Diana do next. ”
Maggie realized she was breathing hard, the words of Coach Matthews spread through her like a shock. “Mary thinks what we are is unnatural and a phase, and that I should go on and be normal, like my mother wants, be safe.”
Coach Matthews seemed to consider her words for a moment. “Well I’ve clocked the way Mary looks at Em, she seems to know. Wise words. It’ll hurt, but trust me, it’s the rest of your life, be safe.”