Falling From Grace

Chapter 6

6

S itting on the porch, I watched Mrs. Taylor’s grandkids play a game of hopscotch before the daytime ended. And I couldn’t help but smile. Though they knew it would end, it didn’t lessen their joy. Nothing ever seemed to lessen a child’s joy. That’s why whenever I could, I looked up at the sky to find mine. Its serene, pastel horizon took away the need to cry, and my mind was almost quiet again. It was the little bit of peace I always carried with me.

Mrs. Taylor stepped out from her trailer. Though I couldn’t hear what she said, I reckoned from the two boys and the girl moving closer to the side of the road that I knew what it was. She turned to leave, but before doing so she gave me a quick wave, hardly giving me the chance to return the gesture. And then, like nothing had happened, the kids returned to their game. A soft but fast thump thump caused me to pull my attention away. Harley was running toward me, all bright-eyed, barking.

“Well, good evenin’ to you, too,’’ I said, just as eager to see him as he was to lick my whole face. I wiped each cheek. “Yes, yes, I love ya, too.” He whined and barked. “What, boy?” He rolled onto his back, exposing his belly. “Do you want a belly rub? I think you want a belly rub.” His back leg started to shake as I scratched. “You’re such a good boy. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. You’re such a good and handsome boy.”

Harley yowled as my fingers continued working his belly.

“So that’s where you ran off to.”

Harley sat upright as I did, and I tried my best to not look as that pair of dirty Timberlands got closer.

“Oh, don’t give me that look. You know you shouldn’t be runnin’ around here.?”

Harley whined.

“No, don’t give me that.”

I bit my bottom lip to stifle a laugh, but a small snort escaped. Then, unable to resist it any longer, I looked up at him, still in disbelief that he had walked over. It was the closest we’d ever been outside of the confining space of his truck. And I wanted to take this chance to ask at least one of the dozen questions I had. There were, however, limitations in place. Limitations to what I could ask him. A man was different from a boy like Mason. Yet I couldn’t pass up this moment to talk with him again and to perhaps let go of the guilt weighing on my chest since yesterday.

“ Hi.”

“Hi. Sorry about him, he can be...”

“No, no, it’s fine.”

He cleared his throat, and as I expected, his fingers reached for his left ear. “ So how—?”

Harley yowled.

“Harley, I’m tryin’ to talk here,” he said, and I held back another laugh. “So, how you doin’? You feelin’ any better? I heard they can last a while. The Braxton Hicks, I mean. Are they as bad as they were yesterday?”

“I’m doin’ better.”

“Good, good.” He nodded and looked at his boots as he placed one hand in the pocket of his jeans.

“ So, how?—?”

“How was, um—?”

“Sorry, you go.”

“No, no, you go.”

“How was your day?” I asked.

“It... it was a good day,” he replied, looking off into the distance, as he reached for the back of his ear again.

It was like an itch he could never scratch. And if it wasn’t for my close proximity, able to take in every detail of him, I wouldn’t have been able to notice the way his brown eyes reminded me of the rich dark soils of the earth. Much like Harley’s. Full of wisdom. They even stood the same way. Tall and strong. And though both of them looked rough from a distance, there was a certain gentleness up close, and a part of me was curious to know what was really lurking beneath the surface.

I looked up at him one last time and then to my feet, saying, “Well, that’s good to hear.”

“What?” he asked, and I could hear the smile. “Did I do somethin’ funny? You’re smilin’.”

Before I could say anything, Harley yowled in protest, now standing in front of me, his tongue hanging lopsided at the corner of his mouth.

“What? Do you want more belly scratches?” I asked in a high-pitched, playful voice.

“You know, you’re the only one who he lets pet him.”

“Really?” I faced Harley. “Am I the only one? Yes, I am. Yes, I am,” I said in the same playful voice. “I don’t know why I’m talking like this, but I gotta stop. Yes, I do. You’re just so adorable.” I scratched Harley’s cheeks and kissed his nose. “Yes, you are.”

“Yeah, I think he really likes you.”

“Well, good. Cause I like you, too,” I said to Harley, who howled loudly in agreement.

“Grace, what did I tell ya about that yapping dog?” Mr. Emerson stepped out from his trailer with a bottle of beer. “Hey! Don’t you dare roll them eyes at me, Grace! I saw that!”

I slapped my knees and stood. “Oh, just stuff it where it don’t shine, Earl!” I exclaimed.

“I know ya hear me!”

“I hear ya!” I shouted. He huffed and shut the trailer door with more force than normal.

Just as I was about to sit back down, I looked over at Harley’s owner. His face was incredulous, but something lit in his eyes, golden flecks dancing in delight. And he smiled just enough to show the beginning crevice of a right dimple. But before it could possibly blossom into a full smile, he shook his head, turning away with a soft, breathless laugh.

“I’m thinking the people around here don’t like dogs, huh?”

I lowered myself back on the step. “No, not even Tico.”

“ Tico?”

“He’s the chihuahua who lives a few homes down. By the way, about yesterday, I just wanna say I’m—?”

The sound of Pa’s approaching truck caused me to quickly pull my hand away from Harley and stand up just as he parked in the driveway. It had suddenly become difficult to swallow or even breathe. The engine died and the door creaked open as Pa stepped out, clocking the new neighbor. As their attention fell upon each other, the air grew heavy. It wasn’t so much rage flickering in Pa’s eyes. It was more annoyance. As if he had just come face to face with the pesky bug that had been causing him sleepless nights and that deserved to be squished. And to my surprise, the neighbor’s eyes never left Pa. Though he never allowed much to show, there was something in his eyes that reminded me of the times Ray would look at Pa. Aloof but aware, and not in the least bit hesitant to act upon an instinct.

Pa shut the door and, with a mouthful of gum, said, “Nice to see ya again. Don’t know if I introduced myself last time, but name’s Bill.” Pa held out his hand. The neighbor glanced at it and extended his own hand to give a firm shake. I glimpsed between them. “Nice dog you got there by the way.” Pa jerked his head to Harley who was now by the neighbor’s side at attention. Pa then spat the gum onto the ground, saying, “That’s, uh, a Malinois, right? You don’t see ’em a lot around here.”

“Yeah,” the neighbor answered in a steady tone.

Pa nodded and said, “Well, just keep the dog on your side, and we’ll get along just fine, alright?” He walked past me onto the porch. “Mason still picking you up at nine, Grace? For that county fair?”

“Yeah,” I replied.

“And you have money?” Pa asked.

“Yeah, I have some,” I said. Pa nodded and observed both the neighbor and me one last time before slamming the screen door behind him.

“I should git goin’. I have some stuff to do,” I lied with a quick smile, taking a step up the porch. Harley whined.

“Yeah, right, of course. Don’t wanna keep ya. Come on, Harley.” He cleared his throat and turned away but stopped, saying, “Hey, that county fair he was talkin’ about. Did he mean the one in Pima County?”

“Yeah. You going?”

“Uh, maybe. Not big on crowds, though. And this one,” he gestured to Harley, “doesn’t like being alone too long.”

“Well, you should. It’s fun. And I don’t know what you like, but they have these pretzels that you can dip—?”

“Grace!” Pa yelled from inside, and I flinched as the screen door swung open. “Get your ass in here. Now.”

I hesitated and looked at the neighbor one last time, saying, “I gotta go. See ya around. Bye, Harley.”

Holding the door open, Pa watched the neighbor leave, a cigarette hanging between his lips. Only when I stepped inside did Pa slam the door shut. I tensed. “It really goes in one ear and out the other with you. Just like your Ma,” Pa spat, taking out the cigarette. Apprehensively, my eyes followed him as he made his way to the kitchen. He flicked the ash into the sink.

“ Pa—?”

“Why can’t you just listen to me for once? I didn’t want you talkin’ to him. And what do I see you doin’? Talkin’. You’re still just a stupid kid, Grace. Eighteen don’t mean nothin’. You know nothin’.” He took another drag. “Every kid thinks they know somethin’, but they don’t.”

There it was again. The courage, stirring in my throat to finally say what I’d been wanting to say since I was nine years old. But instead I breathed through my nose and settled the anger brewing inside me, knowing it wouldn’t change anything. That’s when I learned to appreciate the little things in life. Like now. He could be yelling.

But he wasn’t.

“You’re under my roof. That means you follow my rules. You treat me with respect, you got that, Grace?”

“I’m sorry, Pa.”

“And this time keep your legs closed when you see that boy,” Pa spat. My heart sank. Wetness pooled at the corners of my eyes. I blinked it away and fought off the desire to cry. Pa stopped halfway down the hall and turned back, opening his mouth to speak, as if regretful. Yet he didn’t say a word. He just continued his way to the bedroom.

T

Other than watching the last light of day slide down the wall, there wasn’t much to keep myself occupied. And by the time I had fallen asleep on the couch and woke up, it was a quarter to nine. The promise of a hot pretzel and popcorn willed my feet to stand and begin freshening up. Taking one final look in the mirror, I tied the strings of the dress together above my belly. I smoothed out the white floral fabric and then pulled two front strands of hair to the back with a scrunchie. Slipping on a pair of flats, I quickly grabbed my bag and cardigan.

“I’m leavin’, Pa!”

When there was no answer, I peeked into the bedroom. Pa was sprawled across the bed in a deep sleep. Quietly shutting the door, I headed outside. Stepping off the porch, I looked over to see the neighbor’s empty driveway. I then spotted Ray, who was sitting in a fold-out chair with his feet on display and a glass of his homemade Long Island iced tea. I smiled and walked over.

“ Hi, Ray.”

“Well, howdy, Grace.”

“That your new chair?”

“Yes, it is. Got two cup holders now. Fancy, huh? And don’t you look pretty. Where you headed off to?”

“To the county fair.”

“Oh, yeah? Got a date?”

“You could say that.”

“Well, whoever he is, he’s one lucky boy. And he better know it. Unlike Mason. It still bothers the heck outta me, what he did. Even thought about pushin’ that big Jeep of his down into the arroyo a few times. Hey, ain’t it supposed to rain next week?” Ray asked, unsure.

“Ray, don’t even think about it. I mean it. I know what he did was bad, but he doesn’t deserve that.”

He rolled his eyes and set down his glass. “Dagnabbit, Grace. You’re going out with him again, aren’t you? Are you kiddin’ me? After what he did to you? Somethin’ like that isn’t easy to let go.”

“I don’t know. He wants to try. So, can’t hurt, can it?”

Ray exhaled deeply and muttered. “Well, at least you’re getting out and having some fun.”

“Well, hi, Grace!” Arlene stepped out from the trailer, holding a veggie platter. “You goin’ somewhere?” she asked, setting the platter down on her chair next to Ray. “Ain’t seen you all dressed up like this in a while. You’re even wearing the shoes with the little flowers on ’em.”

“She’s off to the county fair,” Ray said.

“Why’d you say it like that?” Arlene asked.

“I’m not happy about it.”

“ Why—?”

“I’m goin’ with Mason. That’s why he ain’t happy about it,” I said to Arlene, who nodded.

“Well, as long as you have fun, then that’s all that matters. You’re overdue for some fun.”

A loud bass in the distance caused us to look over. “That must be him,” I said. Ray rolled his eyes.

“Okay, well, before you go, gimme a hug.” Arlene walked over and hugged me tightly. “Have fun, okay? And then when you get back, you can tell us all about it. Alright?” She leaned back, fixing a strand of my hair. “There. Gotta git that away from your pretty face now. Don’t want anythin’ covering it up.”

“Arlene,” I said, flustered.

“What, I can’t help it. You’re beautiful. You gotta start believing that, too, sweetie.” She patted my cheek. “And hey, listen. Don’t let Ray make you feel bad for doing what you’re doing. He’s just a grump.”

“Hey,” Ray exclaimed.

Mason’s Jeep pulled up alongside my trailer. The passenger window rolled down, and he waved across from the driver’s seat to Arlene and Ray. “Howdy, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson! How are you doin’ this evenin’?”

“Hi, Mason!” Arlene smiled. “We’re doin’ just fine. How’s your daddy doing after his new promotion? I heard he finally got it.”

“Very busy, as always,” Mason answered. “Let’s get going, Grace. The lines are probably gittin’ longer.”

“Alrighty, I’m comin’. Bye, Arlene.” I gave her another side hug, and she kissed the top of my head.

“The boy gonna get out or what? Does he have a broken leg?” Ray said in a hushed tone, sneering.

“Quiet, Ray,” Arlene warned.

“Bye, Ray.” I smiled and gave him a quick peck on the top of his head before rushing over to the Jeep.

I opened the passenger door, climbing up into the seat. Mason tapped the wheel and gave me a quick once-over as I sat down with a sigh. The smell of beer and stale food hung in the air. Fast food containers littered the floor. Giving Arlene and Ray a reassuring smile, I buckled in and looked at Mason.

“ What?”

“Nothing, you just look pretty is all,” Mason said with one of his charming smiles. And like all the times before, he twisted his baseball cap backwards before we took off down the road.

As much as it reminded me of Pa, all I wanted to take away from this night was an escape. That it was possible to be a teenager again. I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed with no thought for the past or the future. To laugh without inhibition. And though I was sitting beside one of the most sought-after boys in school, it didn’t feel any different. I know I should let it go. But Mama once said to me: It’s a sin, a sin of omission to not be there presently for someone . I knew she was talking about Pa and maybe even herself.

Mason was focused on the road ahead, and I took note of his bare forearms as they gripped the steering wheel. He scratched at his clean-shaven jaw and stole a sideways glance at me, smiling. That smile... the same smile that used to make my stomach flutter. My heart ached at the recognition. Without thinking, I smiled back. His smile grew brighter, almost emboldened. Though he said he wanted to try, some part of me knew the outcome would be no different. If there was one thing I’d learned from this life so far, it was that what seemed to be destined to last forever, didn’t.

Nothing ever did.

Nothing could ever outlast the desert.

Resting my head against the window, I fiddled with the end of my reddish brown curl. The desert always seemed different at night. A certain unpredictability existed in its blackness. A blackness that surrounded the expanse of any vehicle that dared to drive alongside it. Like an empty void. That no matter how far my fingers would reach out to touch it, I’d never find the end. And somehow, even after living here all these years, I still had never gotten used to that. And I reckoned I never would.

“You really haven’t changed, you know that?”

I regarded him. “ Whaddya mean?”

“ Your hair.”

For some reason, the tone in his voice awakened the butterflies in my stomach. “Oh, right.” I lowered my hand.

Mason reached forward and pushed in a cassette tape. “Hey, you still like Elvis Presley?”

“Is the world still round?”

He grinned. “ Point taken.”

As the soft and smooth familiar beat of “Money Honey” started, my muscles relaxed into the seat. The next hour passed by, and though a few more looks and smiles were exchanged, we still never said a word. I spent the time playing with the ends of my hair and staring out at the darkness. My face lit up as we neared Exit 255 for Houghton Road and turned off Highway 10. Just a little longer and straight up on Brekke Road. It was there in the distance; bright colorful lights danced and flashed and reflected the tops of dozens of cars parked in the lot nearby. Mason pulled in, and I unbuckled my seatbelt, stepping down from the Jeep. Even from far away, the red and blue lights of the Ferris wheel glimmered brightly. Mason walked up to me, sticking his hands into the pocket of his jeans.

“You know, it’s gonna be pretty loud. And I know you don’t like that. You get all weird.”

I rolled my eyes and shut the door. “I think I’ll be fine.”

“Alright, let’s go and get the tickets.” Mason jerked his head toward the dozen people waiting in line by the entrance and grabbed my hand. “I think Grady and everyone else are already there.”

The monsoon rains from this afternoon had not allowed the mud to completely dry the eager footprints of passersby. Beyond the ticket booth lay tents of livestock and carts full of games and prizes. I gazed at the tall Ferris wheel in excitement. As we made our way through the crowd, the smell of popcorn and sweets made my feet pick up their pace in anticipation. Over to the right was a clearing with ponies, endlessly circling a white fence with their heads down as kids urged them to go faster. Mason’s group of friends were huddled by the bean bag toss with their dates beside them, laughing. My eyes fell to the girls’ exposed flat stomachs, and I reached down, adjusting the hem of my dress. As we made our way over, Grady’s face lit up, and he raised his arm in the air, high fiving Mason.

“Big M! Glad you made it, buddy. We’ve been waiting for you,” Grady said. The girls directed their attention to my belly, their eyes as big as white gumballs. Two of the three gazed a little longer than usual at my legs. It’s then I noticed they were staring at the yellow spandex shorts underneath my short, white dress. They covered their mouths as if to stifle their laughs.

“Hey, Grace. You gonna go on any rides with us?” Grady asked. “There’s a new one that goes upside down four times. We’re all gonna make bets on if Nick’s gonna hurl or not.” He laughed.

“That ain’t funny, Grady,” Nick said.

“I think I’d rather stay down here. Those things aren’t exactly the safest thing around here, you know? I actually read in Reader’s Digest that a pregnant woman went on a ride, and due to the forces of the turns, it caused separation of the placenta from her uterus,” I said. Grady and Mason shared a look as the group fell silent. “It-It’s called placental abruption. It doesn’t happen often, but...” I stammered. “It can happen.”

The girls’ faces and Nick’s twisted in disgust.

“You really haven’t changed, you know that, Grace?” Grady laughed, shaking his head. “She knows such weird shit. Oh, by the way, Joanne’s here, Mason. She’s been asking about you.”

“Who’s Joanne?” I asked.

“No one important,” Mason assured me. “I’m gonna go get one of those pretzels you like. There’s no line right now. I’ll get a second cup of that cheese you like with it,” Mason said into my ear and shared a glance with Grady before rushing over to the vendors of food, disappearing into the crowds. One of the girls conducted a quick sweep of my body, and her upper lip curled in disdain.

“So, Grace, you gonna—?”

“You know, my momma said that that baby’s an abomination and proof of what sin does to nice girls like you. She says the day you die, she hopes God is as forgiving as he claims to be.”

“Mary!” Grady exclaimed.

“What? I was gonna say, I hope so, too,” Mary proclaimed. “I ain’t that mean, Grady.”

“Well, I’m sorry your momma feels that way,” I said as politely as I could. “Tell her I’m sorry.”

Mason returned, saying, “Hey, I’m back.” He looked at the others, who were still silent. “Did I miss something?”

“Nah, man. Let’s go find a ride,” Grady reassured him. He wrapped his arm around Mary, walking away.

“A kiddy ride,” Nick snickered.

Mason waited for an explanation, but instead I gave him a smile, saying, “ That mine?”

“Yep, here you go.”

I took the hot pretzel, ripping off a piece of the salty dough. “So, who’s Joanne?” I asked, taking a bite with the cheese as we followed behind the group. “She a new friend of yours?”

Mason shrugged. “Just some girl.”

For the next hour and a half, we gorged on greasy food until our stomachs couldn’t hold any more and wasted half our tickets on rigged games. While I was eager to keep going, pushed by the gleeful screams and smiling faces, a ringing grew in my ears. Like a dead phone line that I couldn’t hang up on. And if it wasn’t for the throbbing pain of my feet and the infernal noise stabbing each nerve in my body, I’d be just as eager as them to swing high. As all of us stood in line for the ride, the taste of popcorn and the vanilla milkshake slowly but surely inched its way up my throat.

A cold sweat spread across my forehead and palms. I bolted for the nearest restroom. After losing an entire day’s worth of food, my knees ached more than ever, and the burn of heaving stung my throat. I glanced around for Mason and his group of friends, but the line to the swing carousel was no longer in sight. They were gone. And the thought of walking in circles to find them made my shoulders deflate in exhaustion. After rewarding myself with a few minutes of rest on a nearby bench, I slowly stood up to begin the search. I sighed heavily and began to walk away.

“ Grace?”

Looking back, I halted as I saw him standing just a few feet away. I stood there and stared.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to... I just, I sort of saw you run into the restroom a while back.” He gestured behind him and lowered his hand from his left ear. “And thought I’d check up on ya. You alright?”

The speckles of honey in his brown eyes seemed to dance even more than usual from the lights around us, exposing the tenderness and sincerity behind them. My heart swelled, and something filled it that I couldn’t place. Though he still looked rough at first glance, he didn’t reek with sweat as he usually did. Even his clothes were cleaner. All the things I’d been curious to see.

“Um,” I began faintly, becoming lost in every detail of him. “Y-yeah... where’s Harley?”

“Oh, I had to leave him home.” He cleared his throat as he scratched the side of his jaw. “By the way—?”

“Peter, our food’s ready! Come on. Milo’s waiting for us!” a woman called out, causing his head to turn back.

“Just gimme a minute!”

At that moment, I never felt so grateful to know a name. Finally. A name to the man who I had grown so curious about. It was a silly thing, since it was just a name. But to me, it wasn’t. It was a simple name, and he was anything but. I spotted the young woman who stood fifteen feet away holding a tray of food. Between her bright red lips and the black bouncy curls, she held herself with such confidence. A confidence I hoped to have one day. I regarded him just as he returned his attention to me.

“Okay, I should, uh, head on back or she’s gonna get louder,” Peter said and turned away but stopped, glancing around for a moment. “Hey, didn’t you say you were gonna be here with someone?”

“Yeah, he went to get me something to drink,” I reassured him with a feigned smile. “I was just on my way over to him.”

He nodded, doubtful, but he didn’t pry as I expected him to. Instead, he remained silent, and I wondered if he had seen through my lie. A dozen thoughts seemed to run through his mind as his doleful eyes swept my face, deeply considering one of them. Just as he took a step forward and opened his mouth to speak, the woman called out, this time with more urgency and impatience, “Peter! Come on!” And I believed if she hadn’t, he would’ve told me that very thought that seemed of great importance.

He glanced back.

“Okay, she’s gonna blow a gasket. It was nice runnin’ into you, Grace. Have a good night.” Peter turned and stumbled over a discarded soda can, quickly catching himself. “Whew, that was close.”

“ You alright?”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine,” he said, his cheeks turning red, and he left but not before flashing a toothy grin.

With each of our encounters, an awkwardness and a shyness filled his brown eyes, and if I was lucky enough to see it, his cheeks would turn red. Almost like a boy experiencing his first crush again. Or was he just that uncomfortable talking to me? I watched him walk away. Peter’s mouth moved. The woman smacked his shoulder, disappearing into the crowd by his side. What was he like with a woman? Though I knew there was no chance, would he ever see me that way? Would there be any man who would see me that way, and not just as a girl who got knocked up?

“There you are!” Mason’s frantic voice interrupted my thoughts, and I saw him come to a halt. “I’ve been looking all over for you. Jesus Christ. You just took off. You really do move fast,” he said, out of breath. “Come on, let’s go. We’re gonna go on the Ferris wheel. You can ride that, right?”

“Why? Cause I’m fat?”

“I mean...” He paused, realizing there was no such thing as a good answer. “So who was that guy talkin’ to ya?”

“ Nobody.”