Chapter 60
SIXTY
CALLUM
- Present Day -
“ Y ou know, you were always this annoying little thing trailing after me when we were kids, like a lost puppy. I knew you had a crush on me for years, but I ignored it. Was actually annoyed by it at first, and then embarrassed. I’m sure you know that.
No doubt, because I was a dumb teenage boy.
But then. . . you definitely know that too.
Not much changed there, apparently…even after Lena left with mom and we became, well whatever it was we were.
But something did change between us. More than I wanted to admit.
. . at least, at first, anyway. In spite of the fact that you were my sister’s best friend.
The kid that I had to watch out for growing up.
The annoying girl who showed up to every game and made a scene out of cheering me on in youth hockey and then juniors.
You were always the girl, the one person who saw through all my jagged edges. ”
My voice breaks on this last part, and I have to pause, clearing my throat as I blink back the tears.
There are wires and tubes everywhere, and she is so, so pale, with dark circles under her eyes bruising her normally clear complexion.
Her hand is cold, and I reach out instinctively, trapping her delicate fingers between my own calloused ones, trying to give her some of my warmth, some of my life.
I would give her everything if I could bring her home.
All of it; all of me, if I could just see those beautiful eyes glaring up at me one more time.
“When I saw you in my spot, our meadow, something changed. I hated that you were once again invading the only place that was mine to escape to. You know, for being so . . . short, you’ve always had this habit of taking up all of my space, finding new ways to push past my boundaries.
And later? Well, damned if I refused to admit it, even to myself but you had this really fucking inconvenient habit of consuming all my thoughts too.
I used to be resentful of that, you know?
You made shit confusing. Difficult to focus on the ice.
On Sarah, or hell, anyone else I had an ounce of physical attraction to for that matter.
” My chuckle is dry, more self-deprecating than anything.
I don’t even have to say his name. If she’s listening, if she really can hear me right now, then she knows damn well who I’m talking about. And that’s the most I’m willing to say out loud when it comes to those shitfest days filled with self-doubt and loathing as I fought against who I really was.
“But you refused to back down. Not once did you put up with my shit. Not when you were five. Or fifteen. At least, not when it really mattered. And annoyingly enough, you refused to let me push you away, no matter how many times I wanted to over the years. Especially not after the shit my parents pulled. You stayed when everyone else left. . .”
A tear slips free, and I shift my head, rubbing it off on my shoulder.
I refuse to let go of her hand, not even for a minute.
This is so stupid. She can’t hear you, dumbass.
You’ re just talking to yourself to fill the empty space.
And yet, now that I’ve started, it’s like the floodgates have opened, the words spilling out faster with each passing breath.
“You hid who you really were and became small for everyone else around you.
I saw it, you know. Saw how you were when you and Lena thought you were alone.
You always had such a loud, chaotic, bubbly personality but you shrank around other people; hid who you really were and became small for them.
But I got to see a different side of you.
Whether you realized it or not, I’ve always seen you.
And then, you gave me the privilege of seeing the real you without trying to change; the beautiful young woman that you kept hidden from the rest of the world.
Your insight, your humor. Your incredible talent for singing, for writing.
. . It was slow at first, but something about that damn meadow. . . “
My voice trails off as I think to that first day, and a reluctant smile pulls at my mouth remembering the spunky young kid who had the audacity to pick a fight with me over a damn notebook.
“And then I watched your confidence grow. Watched you hold your ground and call me out on my bullshit, and I fell head-first into feelings that I never should have had for the one girl who was supposed to be completely off limits.”
I pause again, finally allowing all of the memories to wash over me for once, rather than shoving them into a dark corner of my mind.
The shy little girl that needed my protection, the annoying pre-teen girl that drove me bonkers with her relentless crush; the beautiful, headstrong young woman that I fell in love with even as I kept her at arm’s length, my best friend and my confidant.
So many incredible memories, so many painful regrets, moments that I fucked up, would take back in an instant if I could. This woman was so inter-woven into the threads of my past, that I took for granted the assumption that she would remain my present, and continue to grow into my future.
And then I lost her. She ran away. Hid herself from me .
Remorse and hurt , anger. . . so many feelings that I let take over, fill me with pride – keep me away from her when I should have fought harder, run to her and refused to let her go.
Time and again, we’ve fallen apart, pushed each other away, but we somehow always managed to find our way back to one another.
This time is different. This time, she has him .
Even if I don’t lose her to this medical emergency, this new dynamic we’re navigating may push her away for good if I don’t get my shit together.
“I-” The words dry out as I open my mouth to speak once more, frozen on my tongue as fear and regret threaten to take over.
Not again, d ammit! Swallowing hard, I fight to choke down the emotion that is fighting to drown me.
“This is so fucking stupid. I don’t even know if you can hear a word I’m saying right now.
” Scrubbing a hand over my tired face, I let out a frustrated breath. “Shorty. Sutton, I - ”