Chapter 10
HOW DO I brEATHE WITHOUT YOU?
The metal folding chair felt cold underneath my workout pants.
It was a nice fall day, and the air felt good on my skin.
I wanted to savor the weather before the dreaded arrival of winter.
I inhaled the smell of wet leaves and warm coffee.
Wrapping both hands around the paper cup, I let the steam tickle my face while I watched the football game being played on the grass.
The men moved fast across the lawn, taunting each other, laughter tossed in between the sounds of whistles and the thud of running feet.
Many things were different these days, but this wasn't one of them.
I always watched Luke from the sidelines.
While he was never good enough to join a professional team, I couldn't have been any prouder of him.
"Go, Luke," I yelled, ignoring the large gap in numbers on the scoreboard.
Mei, who tagged along after our early morning spin class, looked at me in a questionable manner. "You do know his team is losing, right?"
"They can turn things around."
Mei burst into laughter beside me, her head tipping backward. Screw her, I would never count Luke out. At least, that was what I thought until I glanced over at the time. There wasn’t much of the game left.
Never one to be defeated, I jumped to my feet.
"Luke, kick their ass!"
"Which one is Luke? How did he get a cheerleader?" an unknown voice amongst us asked.
Speak of the devil: Luke ran over to me.
His chest rose and fell with quick breaths, and sweat lightly glistened along his neck.
Always the supportive friend, I handed him a bottle of water.
He took it without a word, leaned his head back, and drank.
I watched his throat shift and his lips touch the rim of the bottle.
When he finished, Luke dropped the bottle and looked at me briefly.
I temporarily forgot to pretend I was unbothered.
"Thanks, Liv," he said, then ran back to the field.
Once he rejoined his team, I felt Mei's eyes on me. "What?"
"You got it bad," she muttered.
I scoffed, but heat crawled up my neck, and denial seemed pointless when even water-drinking turned me on. I returned my attention to the game. For ten minutes, I watched Luke and only Luke.
"Olivia, I'm leaving. This is too painful to watch," Mei announced, standing. I didn’t protest. She wasn’t wrong.
Taking a break from watching Luke lose, I answered a few emails. When I looked up again, he was walking over to me. I stood, handed him a towel, and we walked off the field together. We were interrupted by other men shaking Luke’s hand and saying goodbye.
"See you in two weeks, Jeff," Luke said to a burly-looking man. Then he lifted an arm around my shoulder.
"What? No pom-poms today? Last time, you had a whole cheerleading outfit."
He’s right. When Alex picked me up and saw my costume, she couldn’t stop laughing. I’d worn it that time to cheer Luke up. "I didn't think you'd lose. Not to them."
He froze and pressed a hand to his chest. He had a fake pained expression. "Ouch."
"How about I lift your spirits with some food?"
Luke smiled. "I can eat."
Pointing to the path that veered right, I announced, "Let's go. Lunch is on me."
We fell into step, the city noise fading like it always did when it was just us. Finally, I spotted Freddy and his hot dog cart.
"Eat all you want," I said.
Luke looked at me and shook his head. "Thanks, big spender."
Freddy smiled as we approached, probably because Luke's arm was still draped over my shoulder.
"Give us two. One with everything for my friend, the other put ketchup, mustard, and a bit of relish, please."
I knew Luke's order at every restaurant around the city, hell, even in Boston, where we went to college. When you eat with someone all your life, you end up memorizing their orders.
"Anything to drink?" Freddy asked.
Luke spoke before I got a chance. "Bottle of still water, and a seltzer."
I liked the bubbles, and Luke didn't.
As Freddy prepared our food, Luke spoke. "In two weeks, fall will be over, and it's going to be freezing. We'd better enjoy the weather now before the cold forces us to hide inside. Let's walk a bit around the park."
"Two dogs ready," Freddy announced and reached between us.
We both took our food, and I paid.
"You two make a nice couple," he said, then winked.
Luke wore a uniform with his name, so I assumed Freddy realized this was the man I had told him about.
Worried he might reveal something I didn't want him to, I started off in the other direction.
We walked for a few seconds when my skin prickled.
I glanced up and found Luke carrying an unreadable look. "What?"
As he chewed, I had to wait, and it felt like an eternity.
"Normally, when someone mistakes us for a couple, you correct them."
I relaxed and took a breath. Oh, that's why he was staring at me.
"Typically, before the words are fully out of their mouths, you're telling them we're just friends."
He was right, I’d lost count of how many times I’d had to say it over the years.
"Liv, are you okay? As your best friend, it's my right to know what's happening with you."
The formal tone he took made me chuckle, but then an idea came to me: What if I told Luke how I felt?
Right here, just like Demetria recommended.
On the outside, I was smiling reassuringly, but inside, my thoughts were rabid.
Now was as perfect a time as ever. End all this nonsense, as others had called it, and tell him. Just say the words, I commanded myself.
"L-L-Lu …" My tongue seemed unwilling to cooperate, tripping over a name I'd spoken a thousand times.
No, it wasn’t the right time. Confessing that you loved someone had to be well prepared and planned for.
Like always, a cold wave of doubt overwhelmed me, my stomach felt uneasy, my heart began to pound.
Losing him terrified me more than silence ever could.
If Luke rejected me, would I continue walking down the trail ahead of us?
There weren't any quick exits, and without them, I couldn't. I was not prepared for this.
"Don't be silly, it's nothing. Just thinking I should've gotten another hot dog."
Luke laughed. "Why don't we walk to the other side of the park and grab a real lunch?"
I was about to defend Freddy's hot dogs but didn’t have the energy. My mind filled with one alarming fact: how much of a coward I was.
With my usual calm mask in place, I walked beside him through the park, talking about the week that had passed.
"Oh. Good news, we found a wedding planner, florist, and DJ," Luke said, interrupting my thoughts.
I dug deep down not to roll my eyes. "This is New York, I wouldn't think that was difficult."
"You wouldn't think so, but they’re very exclusive, and Solenne had her heart set on getting certain ones."
"Did she?" I asked, trying hard to hide any hint of mockery.
Luke chewed the last of his hot dog before he spoke. "Yes. Tiffany Clark is the top planner, and Solenne even shifted dates to get her."
I filed the name away, already plotting sabotage.
"Happy to hear things are working out," I mumbled but then paused when I caught the way Luke watched me, like he was waiting for something I couldn't give.
"What, do I have mustard on my cheek?"
"Liv, what about you? Are you happy?"
I thought of a dozen responses, but none of them felt right.
"I'm getting married, your sister tied the knot long ago, mine is engaged. Are you thinking about your future? Planning to stop playing around and find someone special?" Luke added.
"Nope. You all can just go off with your partners. I have my girlfriends, they'd never desert me."
Luke pulled me to his side. "Anywhere I go, you have a place there. I'd never leave you."
His warm words landed but somehow felt cold. Promises of forever sounded hollow when I knew he was already planning a big chunk of his life without me.
We walked side by side, twigs breaking under our sneakers, and his words lingered in the air for a long while. “I'd never leave you.”
The way it sounded, it was no different than when we spat in our hands as children and promised to be best friends forever.
However, his words unintentionally made my heart waver between breaking and bursting.
Keeping my head straight, I pretended I wasn't overthinking his words, looking for any signs they meant what I wanted them to.
We moved in sync, left foot then right. I kept my hand in my pocket, doing my best to act like things were alright. We walked in silence. A silence that was usually comfortable but now made me uneasy.
By the time we crossed the park, my feet ached, but beside Luke, I hardly cared.
"How about hero sandwiches at Aspen House?"
It was another one of our favorite places to eat, so I nodded.
After crossing the street, we headed down the block.
The walk was long enough to burn off the hot dog.
I was starving and could picture a fresh brioche roll slathered with mayonnaise, topped with smoked Gouda cheese, thinly sliced honey maple turkey, shredded lettuce, and oil and vinegar.
"What the hell?"
Luke's words jolted me, and I followed where he was looking. In the window of Aspen House was a closed sign. We weren't too early or late; they were gone for good, hence the words “permanently” written on the sign.
Luke pressed his face against the window. "When did they go out of business?"
"I don't know."
This was another thing that caught me by surprise, and I didn't like it.
"I guess everything must come to an end," Luke mumbled.
My stomach twisted. He meant Aspen House, but all I heard was us.
We stood there for a while, taking in the darkened windows.
"Just like that, it's gone." Since we were kids, our families used to come here to pick up sandwiches. They’d been a staple of our diets since we could eat solid foods.
Luke stared at me awkwardly. "Liv, I've never seen you so emotional over food."
It took a while, longer than usual, but I fixed my poker face. "I just didn't expect it."
"Spill it. Is there something you haven't told me?" he demanded.
Furrowing a brow at Luke, I spoke flatly. "We have no secrets. Remember, that's the first rule we agreed on when we said we were going to be best friends forever back in elementary school."
Luke smiled, and then to my surprise, seemed to get over Aspen house closing very quickly. "Let's go get some pizza instead."
The place we'd frequented for years was gone, and not only did he still have the stomach to eat, but Luke walked carefree like it was just a blip in his day.
First, the sandwich shop. Next, possibly me.
His mention of NEVER leaving me behind earlier now bore less weight.
I was still in front of Aspen House, devastated, and Luke didn't seem to realize that, for a brief moment, I wasn't beside him.
"Liv, come on."