Chapter 1 #3
Tenderly, he says, “You are genuinely kind, even to the worst people. Yet those who are kind reach a limit, like you did when you left home. Treating you as less than you deserve is not wise behavior, because wringing your kindness out instead of nurturing it results in less benefits over time. There is little stupider than losing the company of someone who thoroughly cares.”
“I don’t think I’m genuinely anything.” I pinch the hem of my skirt, follow the silken trim with my fingers. “Everything I am, everything I portray to others, is all a survival mechanism that I’ve accumulated over the years.”
“My dear sweet girl, how does playing devil’s advocate on your mother’s behalf aid you in survival when you are thousands of miles and a world away from the woman?”
My mouth opens, but I close it when no words come.
Castor hums. “Exactly, my love. If you think about it long enough, you may convince yourself your reasons are selfish because you are trying to understand why people hurt you or because you want to be a good person, but the desire to understand and the desire to be good without attempting to obtain favor is what it means to be kind. Consistent effort is what creates who we are. Consistent desire builds the foundation of our character. You gain nothing by protecting her. You gain nothing in suggesting that she might not be as bad as your own experiences make her seem. Least of all before me, a man who could not manage to care less for this woman who has hurt you.”
“Do you consider yourself to be kind?” I ask.
He laughs. “Absolutely not. I have never wanted to be good for the sake of goodness. I have only ever wanted to be good enough to fit in. I’m somewhat convinced my lack of commitment directly relates to an absence of passion.
When you’re good for someone and not yourself, you slip up in the shadows.
And the thing about shadows is, eventually, someone will cast light on them.
That’s when everything falls apart, and the stark absence of kindness becomes remarkably clear. ”
Abandoning my phone on the bench, I rise, clasp my hands behind my back, and take a step toward him. “So…that being the case…how long until you can’t keep up the act for my sake anymore?”
Heat rises to his cheeks. His lips part, then he presses them together. Retreating from me, he murmurs, “I did not mean…”
I follow his step back. “You said I’m worth being better for.”
“I did.”
“But being better for someone else doesn’t work long-term, does it?”
His throat bobs. “It…has not for me before, no.”
“Is it different this time because I’m your soulmate?”
Soft, he murmurs, “I am…hopeful.”
I take a deep breath. “Can I risk being honest with you, Castor?”
His shoulders square. “Being honest with me should never be a risk, my darling.”
Should is not a very comforting word in that sentence.
There are a lot of things in my life that should have been.
And far more that should not have. So, here I stand, a collection of many shouldn’ts with far too little faith in the shoulds.
“I’d prefer consistency. If you’re horrible, please don’t try not to be and leave me to wonder when everything will fall apart.
Just be horrible, and let me get used to it. ”
Gently, his head shakes. “You deserve my efforts.”
“I’d rather have stability.”
“And if I push you away? If you run from me like you ran from your mother?”
I twist my fingers in the layers of my skirt. “Aren’t you more powerful than her? I only managed to get away before because I had Frel. Just being here is proof that Frel isn’t strong enough to protect me from you.”
He laughs again, the sound wry this time.
“Don’t assume I’m so foolish. You have allies who would save you from me at a moment’s notice.
” He waves a hand toward the bench, and my phone.
“I have given you private, easy access to them, and I would not succeed against them all at once. I would not even succeed against a select two of them together.”
“You would succeed against me, though, so you could easily take them away before I could hope to contact them, if that’s who you are.”
“Why are you pressing this?” he hisses. “Have you grown anxious apart from the abuse you’re used to? Are you frantic to regain a master who tells you what to do and who to be?”
My heart pinches, and I whisper, “I’m sorry.
I’m not trying to press. I’m just tired of living on a roller coaster without a seat belt.
My mother would pretend to be good. She believed herself to be good.
She’d have moments where she’d do something kind or seemingly special for me, but that just makes it harder.
If it’s all downhill, I can learn to hold on, learn to appreciate the rush.
Snatches of peace unnerve me because I never know when the next drop is coming.
Please tell me you understand what I’m trying to say. ”
Sighing, Castor angles his head toward Frelsi, where she’s still splashing around in the pool.
“I…understand well enough. As you wish, my angel and heart. Such shall be the terms: when you allow me a full glimpse of your true self, I will allow you a taste of who I am at my core, too. Then, you may decide whether you like me that way…or not.” He offers me a dirt-stained hand. “Do we have a deal?”
I don’t love this. “Isn’t it dangerous to make a deal with a faerie?”
He chuckles, displaying short fangs when he smiles. “No less dangerous than asking me to be myself, love.”
Fair enough…
I take his hand, and we shake.