Chapter 32 #2
If only this could last forever. If only the fear of ruining everything would stay far away. If only I weren’t a walking weapon. If only…
“Castor,” my feather murmurs, “stop spiraling.”
“Sorry.” I swallow the rising emotion. “It’s difficult to stay aloft on the highs sometimes when I recall that they have not always—and, in fact, have rarely—been.”
Her hand draws mine to her cheek, holding my fingers there against her warmth. “You aren’t going to ruin this.”
“What bold words based in such inane optimism.”
“Castor.”
My heart settles, bracing against the severity of her tone. I’d apologize—if I could. But I find myself unable to be sorry for something I believe to be wholly true.
“You aren’t going to ruin this,” she repeats, so steadily, so full of conviction. “No matter what happens out there, you have me, and I have you, right?”
Breathing becomes quite difficult. “Yes, my love. But what I fear most is that I might make some grand mistake where it concerns you.”
“It’s too late for me. I’m so damaged I’d want you through just about anything at this point.”
Yes. I know. But the horrible side effect of loving you is wanting better than that for you. Even if we become worse, I want you to love it. I want you happy. I want to be just selfless enough to give you everything. Always. Because you deserve everything. Always.
Falling harder, each day, for her has made the convoluted contradictions of my wishes and emotions all so painful to parse through.
A small sound leaves her, and her grip on my hand tightens. “What aren’t you saying to me?”
A laugh gets stuck in my chest, leaving my lungs twisted in agony. Hoarse and soft, I say, “Many things, Mine.” Many things I am afraid to try and say, for the terror that they might not actually be true, and I’ll discover—with horror—that I do not actually wish to be selfless enough for her sake.
And then she’d know.
And it would all come apart.
Because she would realize that I am both unworthy of love…and of loving.
A touch of unnerve slithers its way to me, and she says, “Is this magic of soulmates not powerful enough to make everything right?”
Forcing air into me, I say, “It pairs two hearts that match one another perfectly, but that does not mean I am free to willfully shirk all effort. Love is an action. I cannot sit idly and expect you to experience it.”
“I think, probably, it’s exactly those sorts of beliefs that ensure there is nothing you would ever do that would ruin anything between us.
You can’t lie. You have to believe what you’ve just said.
And, so long as you do, I have forgiven so many people who have never ever thought to waste their effort on loving me.
I am certain it would be easy to forgive you. ”
“I am sure your forgiveness would be easily abused again, yes. Your heart is made of liquid gold and your soul the notes that angels sing. You would forgive me easily of many a crime…but then what am I to do with the guilt? With the shame? With the knowledge that I cannot help but keep hurting my soulmate? You are the creature I have begged and pleaded for…the one I have cursed the whole of the universe on account of withholding from me… In broken hours, I have begged that if given the chance, I would do everything in my power to take care of you. I have sworn it to the heavens. I have screamed it into the ground after falling to my knees. No part of this relationship do I take lightly, Danielle, so my fear remains as steady as my joy.”
Turning her face, she kisses my palm. “Am I a bad soulmate for appreciating the way you torment yourself for my sake?”
“No, not at all.” She, surely, could never be a bad anything.
Lowering myself to the ground, I kneel before her and rest my head in her lap.
“I more than understand the desire for reassurance. I find myself reveling in every moment you make it clear that to be without me is to suffer. Even now, you don’t want me to go into the next room because you find that meager distance unbearable to think about after we have spent a morning apart.
I delight in this sort of pain from you.
I would utilize it to magnify your pleasure if I were but strong enough myself to pull away and taunt you with the wanting. ”
Soft, she runs her fingers through my hair. “You’ve spent this morning happy. Without me. I have felt it. I have elated in it. I have wished nothing less for you. Yet, now, I find myself jealous of the joy you have when I am not causing it.”
As though she has not caused every ounce, nay, every gram of my joy… Silly precious girl. “How heartless I have been. I shall take great care in experiencing no positive emotions outside of you…so long as you might do the same.”
A tiny laugh graces me. “Wouldn’t it be fun to be that toxic? Co-dependent on one another, consumed with each other, utterly helpless apart…”
My heart responds openly to such a possibility. “It is likely my most vile desire that we become just that, Mine.”
“Pretty difficult to maintain on top of a growing kingdom, though, huh?”
That is a sharp point, to be sure.
Sighing, I murmur, “I shall need to plan for the taming of wild animals and the cultivation of butcher farms. We cannot risk thinning herds without resupplying them. Food takes priority…” I dwell on my dear feather’s scent.
“Food, then power. There’s little sun in this domain, and I’m not certain wind is reliable enough to hold.
Magic and water will have to suffice for power sources.
Water. I nearly forgot. Fresh water is vital.
” Crumpling, I snake my free arm around my mate’s waist. “There is much to consider.” Fortifying myself, I draw slowly away and upright, bending to kiss my sweet lover’s forehead.
“I will be up late again tonight. But for the moment, all I should be concerning myself with is your lunch. Forgive me my delay and the distraction.”
Her hand tangles in my robe. “Take me with you and settle me in the corner of the kitchen?”
I find myself smiling as I lift her. “Hopeless without me. I love you like this. Would that you’d be more helpless for me, I may seldom know what to do with myself.” I kiss her cheek. “Could you try?”
Dreadfully unconcerned, she curls her arms around my neck, and murmurs, “Gladly.”
With that, I smile and go to prepare her food.