39. Bay
THIRTY-NINE
bay
FIVE OR SIX YEARS AGO…
“When are you going to leave him, Bay? How much longer do you want me to wait?”
His voice sounds louder with the surrounding trees pulling us into their sole focus and judgment.
Judah’s golden eyes help, pinning me to my spot as he glowers down at me with impatience and fury raining down on my chest, demanding I give him an answer.
His answer.
“I’m not,” I reply apprehensively, not helping this situation, but it doesn’t stop me from inching very slowly away from him. “Judah, please—” His hand shoots out and seizes my biceps, squeezing the flesh there and piercing immediate fear into my lungs.
“You told me you liked me,” he leers, his perfectly shaped lips curled back in a snarl that shakes me now to my core. “You said you watched me.”
I did, and I regret it now.
I’d had a very far-fetched crush on Judah Oslo for two years. And I’ve watched him sleep with every blonde, brunette, and redhead who swung their hair and clutched onto his arm in that flirty way that they do while batting their long eyelashes like they have something in it.
I waited until Matteo came through and pried my focus a tad. He was different, a confident guy who poised leadership and respect. He slept with girls—I think—but he didn’t flaunt it like Judah. And when we got to talking one night at a party, he made me feel wanted. I didn’t need to twirl my hair around my index finger or shove my tits out. I was playing a game of basketball on a Sunday with some guys from school while he watched. And later he approached me, giving me a sense that I didn’t require or have to wait around for a dude to finally wake up and act or ultimately notice me.
But after getting drunk months later, my feelings had fleeted from my mouth about my old crush and Judah hadn’t let it go yet since he was the one I told.
“I’m with Matteo,” I quaver as the pads of his fingers dig mercilessly into my arms. The smell of weed and tequila wafting around me and alluding that he’s high, drunk, or both. “I’ve been with him for over a year now, Judah.”
“I broke up with Mallory,” he spits out, then shakes me once to make sure those words cement into my head. “I left her for you.”
Fuck Mallory.
She’s been sleeping behind his back with Tarzan, one of Matteo’s buddies, for weeks. I told him that, but he swatted me away with his hand like a pesky fly and told me to fucking mind my own business.
“You broke up with her an hour ago.” And his declaration, as if that’s presumed to mean something to me, tears at my ever-loving nerves. A bold move strikes me then like lightning because I’m shoving Judah away and regaining my space. “What am I supposed to do with that? She caught you cheating like you were doing to her, so good for you. I’m not going to leave someone who cares about me because all of a sudden you want me, Judah.”
His brows clash violently together. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me? If you would’ve had the balls to tell me before, I would’ve picked you.”
I shake my head because, no, he wouldn’t have.
I’m not like the girls he fucks and “dates.” I’m not super sexual or free-spirited with the way I walk around with barely anything on. I can’t bear the thought of always worrying about what he’s doing and who he was with.
And rightly so.
Judah can’t keep a girlfriend for more than four to five days, always moving on to the next one. Mallory was the longest, but before he was regularly bragging about how many girls he’s slept with. And I don’t want to be another notch on his bedpost because that’s exactly what I would’ve been.
I don’t mind being friends with Judah, however, and the attraction I had for him is something that has slowly faded. But as of two months ago, something sparked inside him and he’s been getting weird. It started around the point Matteo started forming and building the Pistol Posse, that Judah began drinking more and appearing not to be sleeping. Every time I’m on Matteo’s arm or his side, I feel the heavy weight of his gaze. The way his glare dips into a murderous glaze of almost madness.
And this isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation.
The more times he corners me, the more hostile it seems to end.
Judah is Matteo’s right-hand man and I’m off-limits. He comes from a family he rarely speaks about, leaving behind parents he just didn’t want to be around, I guess. I’ve known Matteo and Judah for years, and when Matteo decided to come up with his own gang to make money, Judah wasn’t far away. I went to their parties. I craved to get away from my own mother because she treats my dad and I like shit.
However, I don’t ever want Matteo to think I’m doing something behind his back. And I sure don’t want that sort of attention to ever have to fill his head. It’s not that I’m afraid of Matteo, it’s that I’m close to him. That he treats me like a princess. My best friend, Levi, loathes him so much that he’s threatened to beat him into a pulp, but he’d never hurt me like that. Levi might be hard on the outside, but he’s super soft when it comes down to me, and he’d never beat up my boyfriend because of their differences.
“Bay.” My name hurls me out of my thoughts and back to pretty brown eyes and a flawless jawline. The silver ring that he wears on his middle finger has the letter “W” engraved on it, and he brings it near to his mouth. “I’m good for you. I’d treat you like a queen. I’ve watched you for months get closer to Matteo, and he’s gonna change, babe. He’s gonna lead this group into something violent, and you’re not gonna wanna be around for that.”
“Matteo said he wasn’t,” I retort with a shake of my head. “It’s to protect South Shore and Shoreline Peaks from the Forsaken Crew.”
Judah rolls his eyes like I’m the biggest idiot in the world. “He doesn’t give a fuck about South Shore. He only cares about himself and the power he’s trying to obtain. He’s not gonna get it, Bay. Emilio Wildes isn’t going to pay him any mind unless to play him. And if he gets in the way, Emilio is going to demolish him.”
My face twists at his stupid assumptions. “How would you know?”
“Because I know.” His confidence does nothing for me as I glance back over to the dark path that led me out here. I need to get back before Matteo comes looking for me and finds me with Judah. I can’t even fathom what he’d think if he found us out here alone. “You wanna go back to him?”
I slice my uneasy focus back to the boy I would’ve given anything to be with at one point in time and nod. “Yes.”
“Don’t you want to live and make it past sixteen, Bay? Matteo isn’t going to keep you around for that. He’s not going to make you anything but his whore.”
“Really?” I sneer back through my clenched teeth. “You think I’m gonna stick around for that? You think I’m going…it’s not going to be like that. I just want—” I want to be loved. I crave to fill the gaping hole that my mother doesn’t fill, but empties out all her hate in.
Judah takes a slow step forward, pinning me down with his clear amber eyes that are currently lit by the beam of moonlight brushing along the treetops and surrounding him like a spotlight. “What do you want? I can give it to you.”
“Judah, please, leave me alone,” I say off a heavy and exhausted sigh. “For your sake and mine. I’m not even the type of girl you like.”
“And what’s that? You’re beautiful, and smart. One day, you’ll fill out into something so fuckin’ killer it’ll be sick. And I’ll be there to protect you from everything. From the war between The Landings and South Shore. From men who will try to hurt you.”
My paranoia demands that I move and get back. That I’m not safe around Judah’s persistence, but I stupidly stay. I remain because something about the boy that stands in front of me is off. Not because he’s determined for me to date him all of a sudden, but because he’s so confident that he’s the answer to all the things going on right now.
“How would you protect me?” I press curiously. “You’d have to be with Matteo and the Pistol Posse to have support and?—”
“I have support,” Judah carps back through a twisted mouth. “I left the most powerful family alive to…to just get the fuck away from them. You’re the only thing I’ve seen since leaving that’d make me go back to keep you from harm. I can change everything. We—together—could be the most potent couple in all of Rhode Island and the surrounding states.”
“I don’t want to be—” Judah wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me closer to him, immediately setting my anxiety on high. “Please, Jud…you’re gonna get us killed.”
“Leave Matteo,” he mutters, peering down at me like he needs me to survive. “You’re so much more than you know.”
“I gotta go.” I begin to step away from his hold, but he only tightens it, clearly set on his stance that unless I give him an inch, he’s not going to let this go. “We’ll talk more about this later, okay?”
“I can’t bear seeing you with him,” he confesses, and then something flashes over his face as if it struck him out of nowhere. He loosens his grip on me a tad, and I take the out, prying from his grabby hands. His eyes ping-pong around the air like he’s seeing something there, but it’s just space and us and nothing else. “You can’t be around anymore.”
I release a heavy exhale at his dramatics, but that’s all I get to do. I didn’t see it coming when he lunged for me, causing me to stumble back out of surprise and fall right to my ass. Judah takes full advantage of the upper hand and shoves me back, caging me between his knees and weight against the hard dirt underneath me.
“Judah!” I scream out of anger and fear. “Get off?—”
“It’s the only way,” he retorts before his palms and fingers tightly wrap around my throat. “I promise I’ll try to do it as quickly as possible.”
Do what?
It’s the question that keeps repeating itself in my head…even though I know the answer. Nevertheless, I’m struggling to not accept it, as Judah closes off my air supply and looks defeated while he does it.
At least there’s that.
My hands grip at his wrists, trying to pry him off me when he leans in. That faultless face that could pass up as a broody Calvin Klein model. Judah is absolutely the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life, but a looming darkness has cast over him that always intrigued and frightened me.
I guess the latter was spot on.
I’ve always spoken to him when he came up to pour a Solo cup of Jack Daniels and I’m somewhere grabbing something for Matteo. There were repeated moments when no one else was around to interrupt, I never noticed it before until now.
“Pleaseeee…” I croak out, hoping that my eyes fill in the rest of my plea as my lungs burn from the lack of oxygen emptying into them. My feet and knees that are trying to throw him off are extricating too much energy that I need, and hope is quickly becoming just as fleeting as my air.
“I didn’t want you to bleed,” he surmises sympathetically, bending closer and placing his weight on my chest. The view of him is starting to blur around the edges as he whispers, “I’m so sorry, Bay. Please know…please know how much you mean to me. I know it didn’t seem like it, but I thought it was for the best.”
“Judah,” I beg sadly, frantically, my sisters and dad coming to the forefront of my mind.
Please stop.
“I’m sorry,” he says again. “Please…know how much, Bay. I’m so sorry.”
Me too.
Using the last ounce and surge of energy that I have, Judah leans in to kiss me, and that’s when I thrust my forehead up and headbutt him in the face.
And I don’t do it once, but three hard and excruciating times.
Judah promptly curses out loud, the grip on my throat loosening as I gasp needily for air. His scent of cedar and mint immediately fills my nostrils as I gain my bearings, lifting myself up by my elbows when a strong crash of either his hand or fist slams into the side of my face. Pain hastily radiates through my skull, taking hold of getting away but also what I’m currently carrying in my jeaned shorts.
A small knife that Levi gave me for my birthday this year.
“Why’d you have to do that, Bay?” Judah cajoles, snatching up my left wrist and holding it over my head. It’s only going to be a matter of seconds before he’s looking for my right and trying to gain that, too. “Why does everyone not want me?”
I would’ve been your friend. I would’ve helped you with anything you needed.
Clinging to my weapon, I pull it from my jeans and that’s when all of Judah’s previous kindness—if you want to call it that—abandons his voice.
“You wanna kill me now?”
I flick the blade open and squeeze it tightly. “You wanted to hurt me first.” His features are distorted as if I’m the one that’s crazy here. “Just let me go, Judah. We’ll chalk this up as a bad?—”
“Chalk it up?” he carps out incredulously through a haughty tone. “No one pulls a knife or gun out and lives to tell about it. Why did you do that?”
My brows clutch together at his ignorance of the situation before Judah lunges for my sharp weapon. I pull it away and slide my body out from underneath his body when he attempts to sit back down on me. I swing it forward, catching a part of his arm before he hisses at the contact.
“Don’t do this, Bay,” he warns as if I started this.
You can’t be around anymore.
Adrenaline pumps vigorously through my veins at the repeat of his words as I kick at his gut to gain some well-needed distance. I make contact, but he captures my ankles and yanks. Half my spine hits the hard ground of sticks and rocks; however, he’s not going to get the upper hand on me again.
With my other foot, I nail him in the chest, my anger knocking him back and getting a hold of both.
“No one is going to use you!” he roars out as I scramble back, still clutching onto my knife, and speedily get to my feet. Judah does the same, pinning me with his dark and sinister glower that has me breathing erratically now. “No one can have you but me, Bay. We were meant for so much more than this. I can’t protect you if you chose him.”
“I need to go home,” I cry out through a broken sob, circling around to the trail that drove me here. I have to get back to my sisters and Dad. I’m not going to die tonight.
I’m not going to die tonight.
“You can’t,” Judah replies, taking a confident step in my direction. “You can’t leave.”
“I have—” He rushes me, scaring the absolute shit out of me, and I don’t think, I do.
I do what I have to just to survive.
To see my little sisters.
To see Dad.
To see Levi.
To graduate high school.
To not die at fifteen.
I feel the knife sink into his flesh, and I gasp from the contact. Judah’s hand falls to my hip, and I’m so terrified of what his next move is that I keep stabbing him. Warm blood coats my fingers, shaking me to my core as a broken sob cracks from my lips, and that’s when Judah sinks to his knees.
“ Judah !” I scream, taking a step away from him and peering down at the look of pure shock and acceptance on his face. “Why did you—I wanted to go home!”
He shakes his head, staring blankly at my thighs. “You were meant…for so much more. You’re in…so much danger, Bay. I can…keep…you safe.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” I cry, another shattered whimper leaving my lips. Tears cloud my eyes, and I let them fall. I hurt him, and I didn’t wish to, but he left me no choice. “Judah, I’m going to go get help.”
“No,” he says flatly. “They won’t make it.” He pulls his eyes up to meet mine. “I guess I was wrong.”
“Put pressure on it.” I steal a look through his navy-blue shirt, which now looks black and wet. “Judah, let me?—”
“I didn’t want to kill you, Bay…but you’ll either ruin us all or be ruined. I’d rather save you from that.”
“What are you fuckin’ talking about?” I snap. “You’re drunk .”
“And you’re too fucking…dangerous.” He lets out a rattled exhale, and it scares me. “Matteo will either break you…or kill you. I would’ve possibly—” He bows forward, holding onto his side as he does. “My brother…he’s young…tell him…”
I open my mouth to order him to shut up, that I’m not going to let him die here, but he falls face forward to the ground with a finishing thud.
I wait for movement, holding my next exhale so I don’t miss it.
He doesn’t.
I hold on for another second before whispering his name.
Still nothing but the surrounding crickets taunting me that I just…that I just killed him?
“Judah?” The deathly silence of the night around us sets my hair on end and my whole body begins to tremble at the aftershock of what I’ve just done.
I killed someone.
“Wake up,” I demand as sternly as I can as if that’s going to do anything at all. “Judah, please .” I kick lightly at his bicep. “Judah!”
“He’s dead, sweetheart.” I quickly whip around at the new voice that just hit my spine, almost tripping over my own feet to find Matteo stepping out between two trees. His black jeans and shirt hug his body matching his darkened features along the shadows of the trees. “You stuck him good.”
“He tried to hurt me,” I pant, pointing at him with my bloody knife still clutched in my palm. “He?—”
“I saw,” he deadpans, reaching me and leaving a foot between us. His square jaw poses no bullshit, a seventeen-year-old boy who wants more in this life than poverty and hard times. His tanned skin and endless pools of deep brown stare down at me with zero emotion in his features. “I heard everything.”
I stare at him, a million and one things crashing and bumping into each other at the same time. “You didn’t…you didn’t save me.”
Matteo raises his hand, his bronze Beretta locked between his fingers and palm. “I was ready.”
My body begins to shake on cue, the aftermath of what I just did slithering through my veins. “What do I do? Should I call the police and—” Matteo scoffs dismissively and pulls me into his arms, hugging me tightly to his hard chest. Weed and tequila come off the fabric of his clothes, but his hold somewhat settles some of my wrecked nerves.
“I got this,” he promises me, and he doesn’t slur his words but holds that authority like he always does when he speaks to his posse. “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, okay?”
I turn to look at Judah again, an overwhelming need to check on him one more time taking over me.
This has to be a nightmare.
I killed Judah.
I freaking murdered Judah.
Matteo’s hand grips the side of my head gently, heaving my cheek to his chest when three gunshots ring out viciously next to my ear, making me jump out of my skin and yelp out loud.
“Jud—”
“C’mon, babe,” Matteo orders then. “Let me get you home.”
He shot Judah.
“Matteo, he needs an ambulance. You just—what are you gonna—” He gives me a small shake, as though that’s going to get this whole night to disappear from my brain.
“I got it. I got you, Bay Astor. And I’m going to take such good care of you that no one is ever going to do that again. You’re mine. And you’re it forever.”