Falling Madly

Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

Teresa

I shouldn’t have kissed him. He deserved better than my tangled, conflicted emotions.

But I couldn’t stop myself. My lips reached for his again, craving more. This time, the kiss deepened immediately, turning breathless. His tongue swept to meet mine and responded with more intensity. This was our dance. This insatiable push and pull. Give and take.

And I was taking more than I was giving.

I pulled away, my lips raw, lungs gasping for air. His pupils had turned into magic eight balls with no numbers, only magic. I loved how I could dissolve every shred of his willpower and resistance. I shouldn’t have abused my power, but it was such a heady feeling, having that effect on someone. Being their first choice, not someone filling a gap, ready to be cast aside for something better.

Richard had been agreeable, but he’d never looked at me like this, like I held his heart in my hands.

The heat of the fire made my skin glow, and I finally removed my jacket. I didn’t want to let go of him. I needed his weight on me, grounding me.

“Please,” I rasped, gripping his Henley as I laid my back against the sheepskin rug.

He shifted on top of me, his weight carefully balanced on one arm as his thumb stroked my cheek.

“Crush me,” I said, yanking on his shirt again.

He lowered his hips on mine, and I gasped as the steely erection lodged between my legs. But his arms were still holding him up, leaving room for my lungs.

“Closer.” I tugged him again.

“Ye won’t be able tae breathe, mind.”

“I don’t want to breathe. It makes me think.”

“And ye don’t want to think?” He gave me a sad smile.

I shook my head, smiling a little. “It’s all too complicated.”

He dipped his chin and kissed my lips, lowering his weight on me a little more, locking me against the fluffy rug and the hard floor underneath. My thoughts quieted, turning into a low background chatter.

“I need you,” I rasped as he raised his head to look at me.

I needed him to fill me until every confusing, vacant space in me disappeared. Until he owned every inch, and I didn’t have to make decisions. I was tired of arguing with myself.

“This is not a good idea,” he said. “But I can’t say no to you.”

“So, if I ask you to…”

“Anything, Teresa. Anything for you.”

I caught a flash of sadness in his eyes, and shame shot through my heart. He was trying to hold back, to protect himself. I was leading him on. I just didn’t know where.

“You think this is a bad idea?” My fingers still held onto his shirt. I didn’t want to let go.

“My therapist would likely tell me I’m daft for this.” A muscle twitched in his cheek before a smile broke through.

I swallowed. “Did you really go to therapy to get over me?”

He rolled off me and propped himself on one arm, running a hand over his face. “Aye.”

“And…?”

“And…” He dropped the hand, meeting my eyes. “I should ask for my money back because it’s been eight months and all I want is you.”

Tears sprang to my eyes. “I want you, too… But I feel like I’m using you.”

“How would you be using me? I choose to be right here.”

I scrambled to sit up. “But what if it doesn’t work out? What if I can’t fall in love, no matter how much I want to? What it’s like a… defect?”

He pushed up to lean on the ottoman. “What? You mean like how Bess can’t burp? That she’ll just sit there making frog sounds when the rest of us belch the alphabet.”

A laugh bubbled out of me. That had been one hilarious night at the pub, right after I’d signed the contract to work with them. I still remembered how weird it had felt to sit next to Trevor with all the unsaid things hanging between us.

“That night at the pub, were you trying to tell me something?” I asked.

“I thought it was obvious. I even followed you, thinking you were going out for a smoke…”

“And then I told you I quit smoking,” I finished for him.

“You made a comment about how disgusting it was,” he added. “And I went home thinking I had to quit. Otherwise, you wouldn’t let me stand next to you.” He gave me a rueful smile.

I felt the warmth of the fire on one side, the warmth of his body on the other. I wasn’t cold anymore, and I felt safe. Safe enough to ask him almost anything.

“So, what were you trying to tell me?”

“I wanted to ask you about working together. If you were cool with it.”

My shoulders dropped. “That’s all?”

“I had a feeling you didn’t want to take that job.”

“I didn’t.”

“And I wanted to see if I could tease a smile out of you. Or even a blush. Anything, really.”

“And I basically told you that you smelled disgusting.” My hand flew to my mouth. He’d teased a blush out of me now.

“I still walked away thinking ye gave me hope. I’m that delusional, aye?” He smiled that self-effacing smile that made me feel fluttery inside. “It sounded like a promise, that if I pulled myself together, you’d give me another chance.”

I couldn’t remember what exactly I’d told him, but the truth of it hit me hard. I’d been finding reasons to hate him, to stick to my opinion, because nothing was more painful than changing your mind. But I could hear it now like he’d heard it, as a challenge to be better. To be worth my time.

“I’m sorry, Trevor. I didn’t mean to imply you weren’t good enough. I was just angry with you.”

“I know. But I had to change, and ye gave me the push I needed. You challenged me to really look at myself and ask who I wanted to be, how I wanted to live. And for how long,” he added with a rueful half-smile. “I didn’t want to be a flabby, spineless weasel with fucked up lungs. I wanted to be better, even if I never had a chance with you.”

“You were never?—”

“I was.” He cut me off, and I sighed.

“Were you really making progress in therapy, before… you know… yesterday?” I winced.

He tilted his head, blowing out a breath. “Yes, and no. That’s not why I started therapy, but my therapist did caution me about going after you. And Charlie agreed, obviously. Nobody thought I had a chance. They still don’t.”

“Why? They know we’re sleeping together.”

“No. You told them we slept together. Past tense.”

I shifted on the rug, trying to shake my discomfort.

“I don’t know why I said it like that,” I admitted. “I didn’t mean it was a mistake or anything. Twice is a pattern, right?”

“No. Once is by chance. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern.” He smiled his lopsided smile, his warm eyes studying me.

“Well, I see a pattern! But maybe we have to sleep together one more time, so you see it, too.”

“Maybe.” He smiled.

“I mean, it keeps happening. Against my better judgment, or yours. And even if I don’t know about our future, I hate all that talk about you pining for me, like you’re pathetic for…”

“Falling in love with you?” he finished.

My heart squeezed so hard I almost clutched my chest. There they were—the words I’d been dancing around. I turned my head, too overwhelmed to look at him. “You don’t know me that well. I’m not perfect. I need to change, too.”

“You’re perfect to me.”

My face flushed with heat, and I laughed a little desperately. “Oh, shut up!” I aimlessly swung my arm at him, and he dodged, grinning.

“Make me.” He backed away and stretched out on the sheepskin rug, arms behind his head, smiling like the invincible fool he was.

I didn’t like distance between us. I didn’t like it at all. I climbed on top of him, sitting down so he couldn’t escape. I leaned forward, slipping my fingers under the waistband of his jeans. “See? We keep sleeping together. In present tense.”

“It seems so.”

“I don’t want to overthink this.” I popped the button.

“Okay.”

I paused, narrowing my eyes. “You’re not supposed to go along with this. This is not what you want, remember?”

My heart hammered in my chest. I felt like a scammer who’d been made, yet somehow evaded punishment. But I was also touching him, my crotch pressing against his, my forehead brushing his shoulder. I never wanted this contact to end.

“How do you know this is not exactly what I want?” His voice was soft, eyes half-closed.

“I thought you wanted more.” I swallowed past the twinge in my throat. “And I just want to sleep with you.”

He laughed. It was a gentle, rolling sound that made his body rock against mine. “No, you don’t.”

“Excuse me?”

He grabbed my hips and tossed me on my back, landing on me like he’d been before, but with more weight. Overwhelming and solid. “Maybe you don’t know how you feel, but I do. And I’m happy to wait for the moment you connect the dots, Teresa.”

“You’re very sure of yourself for someone I’ve rejected multiple times.”

“Rejected?” He growled into my ear, slipping a hand between my legs. “I’d like to see you try.”

I was so wet he could feel it through my leggings. He dragged two fingers across the soaked fabric, and I gasped out loud. I’d already discarded my underwear after the last time, and now I’d have to throw away this elf costume as well.

I could have proved my point by rejecting him right there. But I was too far gone. In that moment, I was willing to pay any price, and he knew it. Maybe he knew something I didn’t.

“You”—he kissed my nose—“are lying to yourself, but I’m going to let it slide.” He kissed my neck and slipped his fingers under my waistband, sliding down almost to where I needed him. “Falling in love is scary. Falling for someone you’re supposed to hate is confusing. But you’re doing great.”

“I—”

He shut me up with his lips, then his tongue. My whole body was on fire, skin hot and clammy, chest falling and rising in the tight space under his, hips bucking against his hand. “Ask me, and I’ll give you anything.”

“I’ll take your cock. And your couch,” I said, giving him a bullish look. “I’ll take this room.”

“It’s yours.”

I heard the sound of foil ripping and he tugged down his jeans and underwear to roll a condom on. When his fingers slid between my legs, I shivered from head to toe. He stroked me, slowly and deliberately, circling my center, watching my face like it had instructions written on it.

As my mouth opened on a gasp and my hips lifted to meet him, he stroked one finger across my clit, so softly I nearly screamed.

Then he lowered his lips to mine just in time to keep me quiet, holding my tongue against his. I throbbed, overcome by the beautiful ache, on the edge of unraveling. He stroked me again and again, keeping a steady pace, drawing the feelings out.

I shuddered, on the brink of release, before he pulled away, smiling.

“More,” I pleaded.

“Soon.” He cupped me in his hand as I pulsed against his palm, so frustrated I wanted to squirm.

I’d never felt more ready, more carved out for someone.

He took his time, teasing my opening with the head of his cock, until I stifled a moan. He lowered down to whisper into my ear. “I built this place for you, Teresa. It’s yours. I’m yours. Do you want me?”

“Yes. Please!” I lifted my pelvis, desperate for him.

“Are you sure? I’ve never been this hard.”

Looking into my eyes, he pushed into me, slowly and gradually. My body stretched and morphed, expanding to take him in, to join with his, until I saw stars. They burst behind my eyelids like fireworks as he invaded every inch of me. I was locked between him and the floorboards, so perfectly tight and full I could have floated off like a helium balloon, had I not been trapped under his weight.

He held still for a moment, waiting for me to adjust. To relax into this perfect invasion.

After a moment, he shifted against me. It was not enough and too much, all at the same time. I whimpered something, trying to move with him. I was used to being in charge and chasing my pleasure. But here, trapped under him, I was at his mercy, my body overcome by the building sensation, like a vessel receiving a message from another dimension. He rocked, tiny micro movements that built up more and more tension. After a moment, he paused, holding half-way back, smiling. My clit ached in sync with my heartbeat, and I held my breath.

Finally, he filled me again, squeezing my lungs flat.

“I love you,” he whispered.

My release was almost instant. Pure physics. The uncoiling of something tight that couldn’t be held back any longer. A force of nature that sought to restore balance where pressure had built for too long. I muffled my cries with his shirt, riding the long downhill, sweeter than anything I’d experienced before.

To my surprise, tears followed right after. My chest heaved as if the orgasm had moved up there, still sweet and satisfying, yet slightly embarrassing.

I raised a hand to my face to hide from his gaze.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “Did I hurt you?”

I shook my head. He pulled away, discarding the condom—evidence of his own release. I hadn’t even noticed, and it made me feel ashamed. But as soon as he rolled off me, I felt worse. Adrift.

“Don’t go,” I pleaded, grasping for his shirt.

He returned on top of me and gently kissed my neck, his arm draped around my waist. “I’m not going anywhere.”

I’d hated him for so long and so passionately. I’d made up my mind, and those opinions had become part of my world—one of those immovable truths I lived by. I’d told myself Trevor was a spineless coward, not worth my time. If it wasn’t true, what was?

Trevor was the best lover, with the world’s sexiest accent.

Trevor was surprisingly fun to be around.

Trevor was my… boyfriend?

I couldn’t think that far. It was way too soon, and we worked together. He was obsessed with me. Our pairing had all the ingredients of a disaster. Maybe that’s why my emotions were all over the place. I wiped my eyes, and we lay still, his body tight against mine, until our breathing synchronized.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he said, placing a soothing hand on my stomach.

“You didn’t. I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m not sad or upset. I’m just… emotional.”

I finally sat up and gingerly pulled my leggings back on. I felt awkward and exposed. “All my clothes are dirty and yuck.” I grimaced.

He sat up, too. “Do you want a T-shirt to sleep in?”

I glanced over my shoulder. “But we can’t go into your bedroom.”

“I have one in my bag.” He pointed at the overnight back we’d left by the door and got up to fetch it for me.

It was huge and had a picture of a bear on it. I did a double take. It was my bear—the one I’d designed for the crypto game. The one Boris had modified and used.

Trevor winced. “That’s all I have, I’m sorry.”

“This is why you went to buy an elf costume? To avoid giving me this?”

He averted his eyes. “I didn’t want to rub your face in it.”

“Boris made the ears too big,” I said, staring at the picture. “Bears don’t have big ears. It looks like a teddy bear.”

He still wouldn’t look at me. “I know. They wanted it to be more of a meme coin.”

I huffed, shaking my head. “I thought this was supposed to be the one that went to the moon.” I couldn’t help the sarcasm in my voice. I knew the stock had crashed and never recovered. I took a deep breath and yanked off my elf top, changing into Trevor’s XL shirt, then peeled off the leggings.

“It looks great on you,” he said mildly, throwing another log on the fire before he went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. His phone buzzed on the counter, and he picked it up, staring at it with a deep frown.

“What is it?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Nothing.”

He filled another glass for me, sliding it across the marble island. I sat on a barstool to down it. “How did you get your money out?”

He shook his head, like coming out of a trance, still a million miles away. “You mean… from…” He slowly lifted one finger off the glass to point at my shirt.

“The tokens… coins! Whatever they are. You must have gotten out before the rug pull… to pay for all this.” I glanced across the room.

Trevor’s voice was thick, like it didn’t want to emerge from his throat. “I… I was with Gavin and overheard something, figured oot it was time.” He drained his water. “I’m sure I was half the reason it crashed. We got in so early and I bought more, so I was holding a lot of coins when it went parabolic. Made me one of the whales, I guess.”

“You bought more?”

He gave a solemn nod. “I put in my savings, thinking I’d cash in early. But Gavin was keeping everyone in line, telling us it was going to go ten-X. No one was supposed to pull out. But of course, he did.”

“So, you tipped the others? Charlie, Boris…”

“Yes, but they weren’t fast enough. The stock was already half-way to zero. I mean, they made a profit, but not like…”

“You?”

He nodded. “And Gavin.”

I stared at him, trying to get my head around it. I’d seen the charts. I didn’t know how many tokens he’d held, or how much they’d been worth, but I’d seen the green spike they called a ‘God candle’. A meteoric rise, followed by an immediate crash. Kind of like our relationship. “How much did you make?”

He set down his water glass, pinning me with a careful look. “About a million.”

“And Boris?”

“Maybe half of that. Charlie got even less. He was busy with Bess, had his phone off.”

I couldn’t argue Boris’s share was mine. There were too many variables. But it didn’t sting any less—being left out. Overlooked. Taking on a crippling mortgage for the rest of my life when he bought a house with cash.

“It should have been you,” he said softly, leaning over the counter.

His fingers reached for mine but didn’t touch.

“Maybe. But it’s a game of chance, isn’t it? Change one thing, and you wouldn’t have been in the right place at the right time. If I hadn’t been replaced by Boris, we might have got together. We might have dated, right?”

“I wanted to.”

“Me, too,” I admitted. “And then you might have been with me, instead of wherever you were when you cashed out.” My eyes scanned the beautiful mahogany cabinets. “You might have missed out on all this.”

His voice cracked with pain. “I missed out on you. I didn’t want a house. I wanted you. I still do.”

His index finger brushed my thumb, and I froze. “I have a thirty-year mortgage. I’m paying nothing but interest,” I said.

He took my hand, his eyes glossy. “Sell it! Move in here with me. I’ll put this house in your name.”

“What?”

A deep crease appeared between his eyes. “I know I shouldn’t say this. It’s too early. But we’re so good together.”

I swallowed a mouthful of air, panic stirring in my chest. I’d worked so hard to buy my condo. It was my independence, with a side dose of loneliness, but it was all mine. I couldn’t live in Cozy Creek. He had no idea how badly I’d messed up in my youth. He had no idea how much I didn’t fit into this place.

“Trevor,” I managed to croak out, at a loss for words.

“What are you feeling?”

“I don’t know. I can’t name a single feeling!” I wailed. Why did he keep asking?

“Last week, you wrote a passionate essay about office snacks. I don’t think you have any trouble recognizing or describing your emotions.”

I smiled, thinking of my defense of the humble yogurt raisins over some fancy chocolate truffles Charlie wanted to order from a local startup. Trevor had given me a thumbs-up, agreeing with my points. I’d ignored him.

I couldn’t ignore him anymore. I had to meet his eyes. I had to be honest.

“I don’t know how I feel about you. About us.”

“You don’t know?” He gave a slow nod, disappointment spreading across his features like an invisible cold shower.

I wrung my hands, desperate for the right words. “I don’t fall in love. It doesn’t happen to me in that way. I’m not like you!”

“Of course not,” Trevor huffed. “ I fall in love every Thursday!” He sounded like a gameshow host on steroids.

I rolled my eyes to acknowledge the skit, but he sighed deeply, dropping the sarcasm. “Nae. I fell in love with you. That’s it.”

“That’s it? But you proposed?—”

“I loved her, but it wasn’t like this. And maybe you’ll never feel what I feel, but trust me, when it hits you this hard, once is enough.”

I felt a strange pressure in my chest, like my heart was too big for my rib cage. “How do you know you’re in love?”

He shrugged. “Ye just know.”

“You look at someone and… just know?”

“You look at them and… either you see a poor sod you like enough to sleep with, or someone you don’t want to live without.”

He looked at me, his brow slightly raised as if to ask, “which is it?”

My chest felt even more uncomfortable. I couldn’t imagine living with anyone, merging with another person like that. It sounded like living without oxygen. Delirious for a moment, then dead.

He read the conflict on my face and nodded. “It’s okay.”

“I only just broke up with Richard. It’s too early.”

“You’re right.” His voice was thick with hurt as he took our glasses and loaded them into the dishwasher.

I’d shot him down again. I’d stomped on his heart. I’d done exactly what Bess had warned me about. I felt shitty and cornered. But most of all, I felt sad. Whatever was brewing between us was burdened by too much, right from the start. Maybe we’d never had a chance.

“You must be a bit sore from sleeping on the floor last night,” I said. “Take the couch. I’ll get the camping mattress.” A persistent yawn stretched my jaw, reminding me of how poorly I’d slept last night. “Also, we should probably take that chair off the bedroom door. It’s a fire hazard.”

Trevor took care of the chair as I fetched the mattress and set it up by the fire. I chose one of the many cushions and grabbed a soft throw from the couch, thinking it was a good thing my Pinterest dream came with so much bedding.

We took turns using the second bathroom. Trevor was done in five minutes, avoiding my eyes as he stepped out in a towel, leaving the door open for me. My belly flipped at the sight. He looked so beaten, like wrestler after a losing match, his muscles rippling under dewy skin. I shut the bathroom door, leaning on the sink. I wanted so badly to fix everything. I wanted him to be my friend. I wanted him to be okay. But I couldn’t fix myself.

Taking a deep breath, I faced the mirror. Mascara flakes decorated my cheekbones like a fallout of soot. My cheeks burned ruddy red, and my hair was a frizzy mess, ears peeking from between rogue curls. I looked like an insomniac elf, even without the costume.

I missed my hair-smoothing spray and face cream. To be honest, I missed my entire bathroom shelf and my evening rituals, but at least I had the toothbrush. I hadn’t worn any makeup all day, apart from that little mascara I’d managed to apply in the cafe bathroom, which I must have rubbed off at some point.

I always made an effort before I left my apartment. That night by the pool, I’d spent two hours getting ready. Although, jumping into the pool might have canceled out most of that effort. And he’d kissed me after, before I’d fixed my hair or re-applied makeup. On this trip, he’d seen me at my barest.

Richard had joked about how the face-washing at the end of the day ruined the illusion. He’d wanted me in my party gear, face painted to perfection. And I’d played along, making sure he only saw me in flawless makeup. Okay, maybe not flawless, but better than this. He’d never said he’d kick me out of bed, but I’d picked up on those hints and adjusted to his expectations. Because I wanted to be loved and admired. Everyone did.

With Trevor, I hadn’t once thought about my appearance or doubted the attraction between us. It was as obvious as the trees surrounding the cabin. There was an ease with him my soul craved. Knowing that he adored me, and me alone. I didn’t deserve it, but it drew me in, making me buzz like a stupid little fly above a jar of honey.

My legs a little shaky, I returned to the living room and found him on the camping mattress by the fire.

“Get up!” I told him. “We agreed you’d take the couch.”

“No.” He gestured at the couch, then rolled over, facing away from me. “It’s yer couch. You should have it.”

I huffed, folding my arms. I couldn’t fight him. The man was built like a tree. “Only if you share it with me.”

He jerked a little, turning to peer at me over his shoulder. “What?”

“You heard me. I’ll take the couch if you sleep there with me. It’s a very deep couch.”

He sat up, frowning at me. “You trying to torture me or something?”

“No. I like you, Trevor. I really like you. And I could use a friend.”

He got up and sat on the couch, eyeing me from under drawn brows. “I can’t spoon you all night without getting hard.”

“That’s fine,” I assured, climbing in next to him. “I didn’t mean a platonic friend.”

“That ship has sailed, aye?” He laid down, and I curled up next to his warm body. Maybe it wasn’t fair to him, but I needed his body next to mine.

Everything about him soothed me.

I liked his voice. I liked the heavy hand that landed on my hip, securing me against the couch. I liked the smell of leather, cinnamon, and something woodsy that seemed to surround him. There was so much I liked, and I wished with my whole being I could feel what he felt. That certainty and conviction. Maybe then we’d have a chance.