19 The best selfie in the world
19
The best selfie in the world
Isabella
I wake up around 8am and feel Benjamin’s breath on my neck. I’m tired, as we hardly slept last night, but happy. There’s no better way to wake up than feeling his body against mine. The scent I love so much, the affection with which he holds me even when he’s asleep.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy. Or sad. I’m wrapped up in a ball of yarn made up of feelings. Being with Ben is everything I dreamt of, but I can’t deny that every time I remember that it won’t last, I feel like crying.
I don’t know how I managed to hold it together in the early hours of the morning when I found him looking lost in the living room.
I have to go back, Bella , he told me.
I already knew that. I’ve always known it, but knowing it doesn’t make the situation any easier. Of course, I want him to stay with me. To lead his life by my side, to live this romance without haste, without an expiry date.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t work the way I want it to, but the way it is. I should have learnt my lesson by now.
I look back as best I can, and Benjamin is still asleep. Slowly, I slip out of his arms and get out of bed, reaching for a pair of pyjamas in the chest of drawers. It’s still dark – it always is in England in December – the day dawns after 9am. I leave the bedroom and walk to the kitchen, playing with Duke on the way, but asking him not to make a sound.
I help myself to some cereal with milk and go to my desk in the corner of the room. I haven’t sat here since… wow, since the day I ran over Benjamin. In the meantime, I’ve jotted down all the story ideas that come to mind on my e phone’s notepad. I eat a spoonful of cereal, staring into nothingness. The sound of my phone vibrating catches my attention.
I look for the device, which is on the sofa. I walk over with the bowl in my hand. The message is from Cinthia.
Cinthia: How was the ball? Send me a photo, I want to see.
I laugh. Cinthia and I haven’t spoken much; she’s busy enjoying everything Paris has to offer. But I did tell her that we were going to the ball, and I asked her to help me choose my dress. She also knows that Benjamin is only staying with me until the 21 st . I didn’t go into too much detail or open myself up to questions, but Ben and I decided to tell her that the mental confusion has passed and that he lives with his sister in Scotland but has decided to stay a few extra days to enjoy the city.
I click on our selfie, which Laura shared with me yesterday, and send it to her.
The three dots appear on the screen immediately.
Cinthia: Is that Benjamin?
Considering that she already knows Pierre from his photos, Cinthia must have realised how handsome my man is.
My… I wish…
Me: Yes, why?
I pretend to misunderstand.
Cinthia: I’m going to slap you for not telling me you were going out with a Calvin Klein model. Tell me everything, right now!
I laugh, quietly so as not to wake up my “model”.
Me: OK, let’s take it easy. Firstly, he’s not a model; he’s just really hot. Secondly, I tasted that body last night.
A million emojis and animated stickers appear on the screen.
Cinthia: That’s what I’m talking about! What else? I want details.
I blush because I’m not going to give details of what happened yesterday, although the images of our libertine escapades are very fresh in my memory.
I’m going to fuck you all night.
Leave it to me.
Wow, I get goosebumps and wet just remembering it.
Me: Look, I’ll just say it was amazing. The ball was amazing and he’s a real lord.
A true lord, indeed. I’ll send one more message:
Me: Two extra pieces of news: Matheus got married and I think the writer’s block is passing.
My friend starts typing again.
Cinthia: My God, I leave for a month, and everything happens. Let’s break it down: Did Matheus actually get married? When did he get married?
I summarise what Laura told me. When Cinthia asks how I’m doing, I say I’m fine. No lie – I’m indifferent to the man that was once my boyfriend. Then, she says she’s happy that my block is over. I still think it’s too early to celebrate, but I really believe I’m over this bad phase.
Cinthia: I hope we can go to a ball like that next year. I’ve never been to one, but now I want to. So, what’s the deal with you and the model?
I think about the answer. The thing is, I’ve fallen in love, I suspect he has too, but we can’t be together. Argh, what a horrible story.
Me: It’s temporary. As I said, he’s going to Scotland next week. It’s not going to happen.
Cinthia: Can’t you even try it from a distance? Paul and I are doing well.
No, darling. Believe me, we can’t.
Me: It’s complicated…
She doesn’t answer me for a minute, going offline. I go back to eating my cereal, which is now more like a paste in a bowl. Cinthia sends me another message:
Cinthia: Honey, I’ve got to go. I forgot I have an extra class today. I’ll talk to you later. Enjoy your man.
Me: You got it. xoxo.
I check the time in the top corner of the screen. It’s 8.30am. I put the device and my bowl aside and return to the desk with my laptop in hand.
I open my computer and Word and stare at the blank page.
I take a breath and start typing. The words come out, one after the other, calmly. It seems to make sense. I don’t stop to correct possible mistakes or anything. I just carry on. I don’t know how long I stay there, but in the end, I have a first chapter ready.
“Bella?”
I turn round and see Benjamin rubbing his eyes, wearing just a pair of boxer shorts. I admire his bulge, his ripped abdomen, and his strong arms. Cinthia’s right. He does look like a Calvin Klein model.
“Are you alright?” he asks me, coming closer. “What are you doing?”
I close the computer, smiling slightly. “Nothing. Checking social media. Did you sleep well?”
Benjamin nods, leaning over and kissing my forehead. “I didn’t sleep much…” He smiles at me.
“I know…” I lean in for a quick kiss.
“What do you want to do today, darling?”
I sigh at the thought. “Well, it looks like it’s going to be sunny.” I look at the rays of sunshine coming through the living room window. “We can go out for a walk, if you like.”
Benjamin moves away and sits on the sofa, running his hand through his messy hair. His posture is relaxed. On a scale of lord to twenty-first-century man, he’s more like the latter at this point. Duke wastes no time in joining him, and Ben smiles as he strokes his soft fur. The little dog has become attached to Benjamin. I can only imagine how much he’ll miss him when he’s no longer here. If it’s half as much as me, I feel sorry for Your Grace.
“Is your sister coming today? Or are we free?”
“Free. Laura will be leaving in two days, but she and Pierre want to enjoy some time just them.”
“Why don’t you show me the city?” Benjamin suggests. “I realise we haven’t really walked round London yet.”
“Like you did for me in Bath?”
Benjamin nods. I like the idea.
“OK, but you have to remember that I’m not from here, so I know almost nothing. But I think we can do the tour I did when I arrived. We’ll get off at Waterloo station, pass the London Eye, then Parliament, Westminster Abbey, and finish in Green Park at Buckingham Palace.”
“OK. It’ll be interesting to pass through Parliament after all this time.”
I get up and start walking towards the bathroom. “Sometimes I forget that you have a seat there.”
“And that’s why I like you so much.”
I stop, turning to him. “Why?”
Benjamin beckons me over. I go to him, and he sits me on his lap, wrapping his big hand around my waist.
“Because you only see the Benjamin in me. Not the duke, not the rake. Just me, the man.”
And I love that man.
I almost say the words, but I hold back. I suspect it wouldn’t help us to exchange declarations of love. So, I just kiss him, hoping he can understand my feelings with the gesture.
“I’m going to have a quick shower. Would you like to join me?”
Benjamin raises an eyebrow and accepts the offer.
I knew he wouldn’t refuse.
* * *
I don’t think I’ve ever spent a more pleasant afternoon than today.
It begins with sex in the shower, which is preceded by oral. We have to do some manoeuvring in the cramped space, but Benjamin proves to be very skilful and efficient. A delight.
After we we’re dressed, Ben and I follow my walking route, getting off at Waterloo station and walking to the Houses of Parliament. We arrive in front of it, and he frowns, analysing the tower of Big Ben.
“So, this is the famous clock…” He tilts his head.
“A curiosity I learnt: many people think that Big Ben is the name of the clock, but it’s not. That’s the name of the bell that is part of the clock.”
He nods, still staring at the building. “And this construction is of…”
“Hold on.” I get out my phone to look it up. “Oh, it says here that it was programmed into the design of the new Palace of Westminster, as the old one was destroyed by fire in 1834.”
“Is Parliament going to burn down?” He looks at me, frightened.
“Yes.” I touch his arm. “Please keep an eye out if you’re in town, OK?”
Benjamin assures me he will, and I realise how strange this is. Here I am, in the present, giving him a spoiler from the past, but which in fact will soon be his future. God, that’s crazy.
“Well, moving on,” I talk again. “Construction began in 1843 and was completed in 1859.”
Benjamin remains silent. Even though I know him well now, I can’t understand what his gaze means. “What is it, darling?”
He sighs. “I don’t think I’ll see the tower finished.”
I still don’t understand. “Why not?”
“Because if it was finished in 1859, I’d have to be seventy-four to see it. Most people didn’t live that long back then. I’ll probably be dead.”
Wow, what a terrible comment, but it’s true. If I’m not mistaken, life expectancy at his time was very low, something like fifty-five. I feel a physical pain at the thought of this world without Benjamin. I won’t think about that.
“Shall we take a selfie?” I suggest. “I realised yesterday that I don’t have any photos with you, and I want some memories.”
He smiles, already looking relaxed. I open the front camera and stretch out my arm. Benjamin surprises me by kissing my cheek, which makes my smile open even wider. I don’t check the photo immediately, as I turn my face towards him, and Ben steals a kiss on the lips.
As we walk away, I finally look at the phone screen. Here we are, me and him, with Parliament and Big Ben in the background.
“Is it good?” He wants to know.
I nod, showing him the screen. “The best selfie in the world.”
We continue on our way. We pass the abbey, and I keep my phone in my hand, looking up any things that catch our eye. I end up learning a lot of details that I hadn’t realised before. We stop halfway through at Pret a Manger, a café we find on every corner here in the city. I pick up two hot chocolates with brownies and we sit there for a few minutes, holding hands as if we were just a normal young couple.
“So, tell me, do you intend to go back to Brazil?” Benjamin asks me when we’re on the street again. I ask him to stop next to a red telephone box and smile for a photo.
“I don’t know,” I reply, as we start walking again. “I like it here. Although I don’t have a specific goal in life, working in the café is easy; I have a great flatmate; and I’ve settled in well. Sometimes, it’s strange to be here. I look at my former friends and they’re all getting married and having children. It makes sense since we’re past thirty, but I don’t care about that. I live my own life and that is it.”
“But doesn’t your family miss you?”
“They do, but we’re all spread out. Laura in Canada, my mum in Sorocaba. She’s very loving, but she doesn’t settle, she likes to travel and so does my stepdad. Mum keeps very busy. I think that’s why she and my father didn’t work out. Very different from each other.”
Benjamin reaches for my hand and intertwines our cold fingers. “Tell me about them.”
It’s not a great story. The typical case of two young people who fell in love, married quickly, had a daughter, and discovered that, in the end, they expected different things for themselves.
“The divorce was amicable; they get on well to this day. I guess I could say they’re friends.”
“Didn’t your father remarry?”
I laugh because Tadeu Kato has been up to plenty of mischief.
“Look, he almost remarried a bunch of times, but it never worked out. I don’t know, my father is focused on work. When I was younger, he’d stop doing certain things for the company so as not to be an absent father. He even refused to go on trips to go to my school’s performances. But then, as I got older, he started travelling regularly. He’s been in Japan for almost a year now.”
“What does he work on?”
“He is an engineer. He coordinates some of the company’s projects.”
We arrive in front of Buckingham Palace, and I stop talking to appreciate the architecture of the place. I’ve been here several times, but it’s always impressive. Benjamin already knows the building. The Palace has existed since the eighteenth century.
“Look, that statue in the centre,” I point to a monument in front of the palace, “is Queen Victoria. This is the Victoria Memorial, and this area is called The Mall; it links the Palace to Trafalgar Square. This is where the royal family’s parades take place.”
And the place is packed with people when that happens. I was here for Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee celebrations at the beginning of the year. I’ve never seen so many people together. I even witnessed a slap fight to get a seat.
We walk up to the monument and Benjamin carefully analyses the statue of Queen Victoria. “Interesting… it looks like she really had a great reign.”
“If you like, there’s a film we can watch about her,” I suggest. “ The Young Victoria. It’s a film mostly focused on the romance between her and Prince Albert, her husband, but it also shows a lot about how she inherited the throne.”
“A romance? The queen married for love?” Benjamin looks very surprised.
“Yes. I love that story. They had loads of children, and she never remarried after she was widowed. It’s a shame he died so young.”
Benjamin swallows. “I believe that not all love stories have a happy ending.”
I wonder if he’s referring to our story. Well, Benjamin hasn’t said he loves me, but I’m in love with him, so in my mind, yes: Benjamin and I are living a love story.
Unfortunately, ours won’t have a happy ending either.