22 Goodbye, my love
22
Goodbye, my love
Benjamin
Isabella and I lock ourselves in the bedroom for the last time.
Because tomorrow it will all come to an end.
I won’t think about it now. Or I will, but I’ll try to ignore it. In the time we had together, we laughed, we talked, we fucked, we embraced each other passionately.
Today, I want something different. Today, I want to love her. I want to demonstrate with actions what we decided not to confess in words. I want… Bella to remember me when I’m gone.
I want to remember her.
Very carefully, more than ever, I take off her clothes, piece by piece. First, the jacket, then the T-shirt. I run my hands down her back, opening her bra and releasing her perfect breasts. The nipples call to me, and I smile as I lean down to take a hard point in my mouth, my tongue playing there as I alternate sucking and licking.
Isabella gasps, dipping her fingers into my hair, keeping me there with her. I switch breasts, repeating what I’ve just done on the other. I’m in no hurry. At least tonight, time won’t be my enemy.
Time won’t mean anything. Only Bella and I matter. Both of us.
I trail kisses up her lap and neck before pulling away to remove my own clothes. Isabella looks at me, following my movements, her blushing lips parted and moist, delicious.
I take off my T-shirt, my trousers, and my boxers. My member is ready to enter her, but I force myself to wait.
“Lie down on the bed for me, my love.”
She does as I ask, and I finish undressing her. I push her soft thighs apart, exposing her. I smell her, rubbing my nose lightly between her folds. I lick her aroused clitoris lightly, slowly. I taste it on my tongue, dive into her slit, suck her eagerly. Her hands dive into my hair, messing it up. I love it. I’ve never felt as much pleasure sucking a woman as I do with her. It’s never been like this: so perfect. So real.
Isabella bends her body, her hands on the soft sheets, gripping them. I continue to get my fill of her, inserting a finger into her drenched depths, penetrating her in rhythm with the movements of my tongue.
Isabella falls apart in my mouth, letting out a low cry. I don’t stop, prolonging the climax, sucking on the throbbing point until she squeezes me, and one orgasm follows another.
“Benjamin, come here,” she calls me. I can’t say no.
I lie down next to her, and Bella gets up, coming on top of me. She slides down my body, her kisses and tongue tasting me, and I close my eyes, feeling her, letting her do whatever she wants to me.
The pretty face approaches my rigid cock, very eager. Isabella takes it in her mouth sweetly, just the tip at first, her head going up and down, tasting and sucking. She takes it to the back of her throat and keeps going. Once, again. My balls are squeezed, but she doesn’t stop, driving me to the point of howling with pleasure.
She stops before it’s too late. Bella sits on my hips and takes my cock to her pussy, rubbing it against her clitoris, the movements making her moan. She bites her lower lip as she leans over me to get the condom from the bedside drawer. I take advantage of the position and take a nipple in my mouth, sucking it firmly, biting it gently.
Bella covers me with the condom and guides me inside her. Her narrow hips begin the movement, moving back and forth perfectly. I help her, holding onto her round buttocks and dictating the rhythm.
We become more frantic, more euphoric. She rides me eagerly, her hands resting on my chest, her breasts jiggling with her rapid thrusts. I lift my back off the mattress and move my hands behind her, never stopping moving, never stopping looking at her. Bella kisses me with her tongue, sucking mine, her nails scratching the skin of my shoulders, her sweat mixing with mine.
“Ah, Ben…” she moans.
I can’t speak; I’m concentrated; I’m firm. I’ve completely surrendered to her, giving everything of myself. All that I am.
Bella climaxes. A few thrusts later, I join her. I can still feel her squeezing my cock, trembling. I look up at her, panting. My heart breaks. There’s something unsaid there.
A goodbye.
Gently, I wipe away the tears trickling down her cheek.
Her eyes are my doom. Yet, I feel saved. For Bella, and only for her, I have known romantic love. The love I said I would never feel, that I didn’t want to feel. How wrong I was, how foolish…
Bella was an unexpected gift that I received at one of the worst moments of my life. She was the light in my darkness, the compass that helped me find the north. Isabella is the woman of my life. My purest and most sincere love.
She is my world. She always will be until I take my last breath.
* * *
I took my eyes off the paperwork in front of me and looked at the door. Abigail was staring at me with a half-smile on her lips.
It was the first time I’d seen her smile that week.
“Abby? Can I help you?”
“So formal,” she said. “What are you doing?”
“Working.”
Abigail nodded, approaching my desk. “The Daily ?”
“Yes.”
She pulled up a chair and sat down. Abigail had always been curious. Attentive and very intelligent, the most intelligent of the three of us. She was a quick learner, played the piano beautifully, and danced like nobody’s business.
I, who used to be annoyed by her countless questions, missed them. I missed her curious gaze. But I missed many things.
“Tell me what’s going on,” she asked. “I’ve heard almost nothing new.”
It wouldn’t have been my first choice to tell my sister about the newspaper’s problems. Even more so now that we’d discovered that Raoul Cornell was a traitor to the Crown. A bastard who helped the enemy army. The men who killed my brother.
“We have a complicated dilemma,” I began. “A traitor, whose denunciation we’re thinking of making.”
Abigail nodded in agreement. “And why are you thinking? What’s stopping you?”
“Lack of evidence. We have to be careful; it’s a delicate situation.”
Another nod. “Are you happy, Benjamin? With the newspaper?”
I shrugged, leaving the paper I was holding on the table. “I wanted it. It was my idea to start the Daily .”
“Why?” my sister asked me.
I wasn’t sure why. Because I wanted a distraction. Because I wanted to feel useful. Because I didn’t know where to spend the money I had. “I don’t know, Abby. I like writing. I like politics.”
“You’re a duke now. Shouldn’t you be careful with being involved in controversy?”
I smiled. Yes, I should, but perhaps I still had the young man of yesteryear inside me. The one who didn’t need to provide for anyone but himself.
“I promise I won’t do anything to harm us.”
“I don’t worry about that, Benjamin,” she said. “I know you’re looking after me, that you’re attentive.”
My heart warmed. It was good to know that she knew.
“However, could it be…” Abigail continued.
I leant over the table, watching her face. “Yes?”
She looked down, and then at me again. Sometimes, I could hardly believe that Abby was already nineteen. That she was no longer a child, and that I would soon have to manage her suitors and promises of commitment.
“Could you have dinner with me tonight? I had dinner alone yesterday and the day before. I realise you have work, but… I’d like your company.”
I had a lot of work to do; I was tired. But it was a simple, sincere request. A request I could fulfil. I held out my hand, asking for hers. Abigail didn’t refuse.
“Of course. My secretary is about to arrive, and I’ll let him go early. Don’t worry about it.”
She smiled, got up, and left the room.
And I went back to work, waiting for dinner.
* * *
Isabella
I can’t sleep.
I don’t know if Benjamin has slept, although he’s kept his eyes closed. Just now, looking at him, I had to get out of bed to cry silently in the living room.
My head hurts from the pressure, but not as much as my heart.
As the tears fall, I close my eyes, trying to breathe. The crying increases when I feel the embrace I’m used to, the main cause of all this.
Benjamin doesn’t say anything; he just cradles me in his arms, kisses my temple, and lets me collapse. I sob, clinging to his T-shirt, enveloped in his perfume, wishing that all this isn’t real, that I don’t have to say goodbye to the man I love.
I don’t know how long it’s been, but I’m woken from my moment of despair by the ringing of the alarm I’ve set on Alexa so that we don’t risk losing track of time.
“Alexa, stop,” Benjamin says.
I sniffle, wiping my wet face. “Sorry…”
“There’s nothing to apologise for. I only have you, Bella, to thank.”
“I tried to hold on until afterwards, but…”
“I know.” Benjamin lifts my chin so that I meet his gaze. “I’m broken inside, love, but if I allow myself to fall apart…”
“I know, I know. Don’t worry.”
Benjamin doesn’t seem to know what to say. Since I’m a mess, I take the opportunity to give him my surprise.
I get up and open my desk drawer, taking out an envelope with a red bow.
“Look, it’s no big deal, but I wanted you to take something to remember me by.” I hand him the envelope. “These are my favourites. I hope you like them.”
Benjamin accepts the parcel and undoes the bow, carefully taking the photos out of the envelope. I see his Adam’s apple move as he analyses our images as if I had just handed him the most precious treasure.
Crying as I am, I feel like collapsing again.
“That’s… everything.” Benjamin looks at me. “Thank you, Bella.”
I lean over and kiss him on the cheek, asking to be excused to go to the toilet. It’s about time, I can’t delay any longer. We have to leave, or we’ll miss the train at the station. Benjamin has prepared a rucksack with his own clothes. He’ll change as soon as we get to his old house; that way we won’t attract anyone’s attention on the way.
After we leave home, we journey silently. What can we say?
I’m trying my best not to start crying again, trying to imprint inside me the sensation of my fingers intertwined with his, his masculine scent, and the warmth of his body next to mine. However, I already know that Benjamin is engraved on me. Tattooed, permanently.
The walk from the station to the museum is equally unnerving. The cheerful streets, full of people and decorations, and the sweet smell of the stalls do nothing for me. I’m oblivious to anything other than the emptiness echoing in my chest. I want to walk slowly so that we never reach our destination. I want to pull him away and run, to change our sad ending, to give our romance a different ending.
A happy ending, in which I ask him to be mine and Benjamin is able to accept my request.
We turn onto Brock Street, and he stops in front of the house. Benjamin looks at me, his expression serious. “It’s time.”
I nod because there’s nothing to do. We enter the museum still holding hands.
The same girl who attended to us the other day smiles at me. I buy the two tickets and go up to the second floor.
We enter the study, and Benjamin glances down the corridor before discreetly closing the door. As soon as he does, he takes his rucksack off his back with his clothes inside. “I’m going to change.”
I’m not offering to go out; there’s no need. We’re past that point. Benjamin gets dressed slowly. He takes off his jacket, T-shirt, and jeans. He puts on his own trousers, and I say playfully, “You’ll arrive in boxers in the nineteenth century.”
He lifts the corner of his mouth. “I won’t give up my boxers.”
Our smiles last only seconds. He continues dressing, without haste, his breathing controlled as if trying not to cry. When he’s ready, Benjamin taps his hand on his jacket pocket. “It’s here,” he refers to the cameo.
I swallow back the tears as I approach. “Do you have the photos?”
“In the other side of the jacket,” he confirms.
I nod, noticing a spot of white fur on the dark fabric lapel.
“Duke… he sheds hair from time to time.”
Benjamin doesn’t try to smile as he pulls me into an embrace. I can feel his heartbeat in my ears as I rest my head on his chest. A tear rolls down my cheek. Damn it, I won’t be able to hold it back.
Just a little longer, I think. For him, just a little longer.
I move away from Benjamin and take a step back. “Go and look after your sister. I… hope everything’s alright.”
Benjamin’s jaw is clenched, his sad eyes almost making me collapse again.
“If it doesn’t work, I’ll—”
“It’ll work,” I interrupt him. “I know it will.”
He rubs his eyes and I realise he’s shaking. Benjamin swallows, turning towards the centre of the room. He gives up just a second later. His gaze meets mine again and it’s as if time has stopped.
Time. Our great enemy, but also the one responsible for uniting us.
“I love you,” he says, with impeccable composure. “I love you with all the strength of my soul. With all my heart.”
I don’t know what to say; I can only feel it. My soul aches and rejoices at the same time, listening to the sweet words I’ve longed for. Words that reflect what I also feel. What we feel, together, for each other.
“I know we said that confessing in words would be worse. I know that maybe I shouldn’t be doing this.” Benjamin approaches me, taking my hands. “But I believe that you deserve to know. That, after everything you’ve been through, you deserve to know how much you mean to me, how much you’ve made me happy.”
Benjamin closes his eyes and kisses my knuckles, very slowly. I don’t know how I’m still standing.
“Our love is impossible,” he tells me, “but it’s real. Every touch, every word, kiss, and look. It’s all real, Bella.”
He takes me in his arms and kisses me as if it were the last time. Because it is. I’ll never taste him again, his tongue on mine, the peace his embrace brings me.
Between us, all that will remain are memories. I thought that would be enough, but it’s not. It hurts, a pain that I don’t see any way of overcoming.
“I love you,” Benjamin says again. “You were responsible for showing me true happiness, my love. I’ll never forget you, Bella. Forgive me for not being able to choose you.”
But he did choose me. Even though Benjamin is leaving, I know he chose me. He chose to give me his heart. He chose to love me for the time we had. Even if it wasn’t enough, he chose me.
Crying, I find the strength to speak. “I love you, Benjamin. Thank you for putting the pieces of my broken heart back together. You showed me that I don’t believe in love in vain. What we lived was real. It always will be, no matter how much time passes. I’ll never stop loving you.”
He looks at me one more time. The last time.
“I have to go, darling.”
I relent, taking a step back. Despair takes hold of me. I feel my throat closing, my legs giving way. I won’t be able to stay here, watching as he disappears.
“Ben, I can’t.”
He nods instantly. “Go on. It’s OK.”
I cry some more, completely devastated. “I love you,” I say.
“Me too, my darling.”
I can see that Benjamin is suffering as much as I am. I gather all the courage I have and leave the room, closing the door behind me. I should leave, but I can’t. My feet are planted on the floor. I can barely breathe, so I close my eyes, trying to calm down. Trying to ignore the pain.
When I open them, I don’t know how long afterwards, the discontent is real. I feel it. I turn round again and push the door open, slowly, afraid. Afraid of what I already know has happened.
Everything is confirmed when the door opens fully.
Benjamin made it back. He left. The room is empty. Completely empty.
Just like the place where my heart used to be.