Chapter 46
Elle
After Mara and Mike set down the new ground rules for us, the only time Josh and I have together is on-camera.
The only way we can truly be together is as Dominic and Georgiana.
And so, in the days that follow, I live for those scenes.
I live for every time Josh-as-Dom finds my mouth with his and claims me.
Every time we have permission to lock eyes across a crowded ballroom, our gazes lingering, living only for each other.
Every time we’re lying tangled in the sheets of Dom’s bed, an oasis in the centre of that sound stage.
We are so far from acting every touch, every word, every kiss, that I can’t believe everyone around us can’t see it.
But, however much we’re suffering, boy are our performances benefiting. There’s a beautiful tenderness, a wistfulness, a yearning when we’re together.
Like none of it is ever enough.
Like we’re both addicts.
There’s one scene in the final episode: we’re shooting it now before they dismantle the stunning library.
Georgiana and Dominic are wandering around the bookshelves, browsing for a book he can read to her in bed.
It’s evening, and they’re in their dressing gowns: his rich velvet, and hers sweeping jacquard, the voile of her nightgown billowing underneath.
We stand in front of a bookshelf. David is shooting wide shots of the two of us in profile.
Josh reaches behind my head to select a book. ‘This one may be diverting, I think, my darling.’
‘Dominic.’ The tone of my voice stops him, and he pauses and rests his other hand on the shelf, caging me in.
‘What is it, my love?’
I hesitate. I find Josh’s beautiful eyes and drink him in. My voice has a tremor when I speak, as I imagine Georgiana’s would in this situation. My hand slides under my dressing gown to my stomach.
‘I—I believe myself to be with child.’
His eyes widen as he absorbs my words, before his face collapses with emotion. There are real tears in Josh’s eyes, though it’s highly unlikely the camera will pick them up.
‘Oh, my darling.’
He leans forward and kisses me so sweetly, so tenderly on the lips, before dipping his head to kiss my neck.
As he does, Josh’s whisper reaches me for my ears only.
I love you so much. He withdraws, his eyes meeting mine, before he gets to his knees in front of me and slowly, slowly unties the silk tassels of my robe.
His hands slide up my bare legs, pulling my nightgown up with them, all the way up until he reaches my stomach. As this is a profile shot, the camera can’t see anything untoward, and I’m wearing flesh-coloured knickers for good measure.
But the way Josh peppers my stomach with featherlight kisses is real.
The goosebumps that erupt across my skin in the wake of his lips are real.
And the tears that well up in my eyes, as Dominic kisses his pregnant wife’s stomach, are real.
JOSH
I cannot fucking bear it.
Elle and I have come so far together, but the world isn’t interested in the real story. All they see are the headlines. And I get it. The first time round, they turned her into a fucking joke.
I turned her into a joke.
At a time when she should have been triumphing in her Cannes win and her Oscar buzz, she was the girl who was stupid enough to get burnt by one of the biggest party boys in Hollywood.
I will never do that to her again.
I will never let her be a laughingstock again.
I will never give them an opportunity to call her spineless or na?ve or delusional.
So I do the only thing I can.
I stay away, and I make sure, with every word and touch from Dominic to Georgiana, Elle knows I’m doing it because I love her.
She goes on a fucking date with Thor. I know this because Mara has a bunch of paps trail them, and they get photos of the both of them in a cutesy little French restaurant in North London. And leaving, his arm around her, her laughing up at him.
It makes me so fucking mad. But there’s nothing I can do, except leave her alone, and go to meetings. Because I’ll lose my mind without them, and I owe it to Elle and to Alyssa not to fall off the wagon.
Even though this is the ultimate test for me. God knows, I wanna stop feeling. I want that chemical high, the fan-fucking-tastic rush through my bloodstream. I want the euphoria. The oblivion. The supreme well-being. Because I sure as hell can’t get it from my love life right now.
The craving drags itself over my nerve endings. Creeps along my skin. Makes my muscles fizz. And ache. And jump. But I won’t give into it.
I choose not to give into it, because I choose not to be the guy everyone thinks I am.
Instead, I work. I work out. I swim. I drink crazy amounts of Pellegrino.
And I go round and round in my head with this impossible, unsolvable puzzle.
I fucked up once, and from the time I walked away, I wasted years of my life. Booze. Drugs. Women. Shitty projects.
Then I got another chance, and while I’ll never, ever be worthy of her, I’ve spent the past few months doing the work. Getting clean. Getting myself to a state where I can be strong enough for her. Where I’m not an embarrassment to her.
And now, the only way I can support her in her career, and allow her to scale the heights she’s capable of, is to be nothing to her.
Well fuck that.
I have nothing to lose. Sure, my career is on the up again, thanks to Alyssa and Azure taking a chance on me, but if I can’t have Elle, I don’t care about my career, anyways.
I laid myself bare to her.
No excuses.
No trying to skirt around the truth or rewrite history (well, after that disastrous moment where I said I wouldn’t let her ‘slip away’ again. Fuck’s sake).
Just the God’s honest truth about how pathetic I was. How I let Mom persuade me I was worthless. How I managed to do the very opposite of what I intended to do to Elle: throw her under a bus.
It worked with her. Maybe it worked because she could smell the lack of bullshit. Or maybe it was because she could see I was on my knees, willing to be vulnerable. Or at least, less scared of being vulnerable with her than I was of what I’d be sabotaging if I wasn’t.
If she’s been willing to listen to my truth and judge me on the man I am today, with all the risk that entails for her, then maybe the public will be too.
It’s worth a shot.
I message Mike and ask him to hook me up with Gordon Kay.
I don’t tell Elle till the morning of the day I’m due to shoot the show.
Gordon bit my hand off. Who wouldn’t? A no-holes-barred, one-on-one, ask-me-anything interview with a long-time Hollywood actor who’s provided fodder so colourful over the past twenty years, everyone’s lost any perspective on what’s real and what’s not.
Oh yeah, and we’re doing it live, and Kay will be taking questions via Twitter. Because I have no more fucks left to give.
I break the news to her when we’re standing by the set in costume, chugging from our water bottles before we have to hand them back to Parka Pete and take our marks.
‘Are you actually insane?’ Her free hand flies to her hip. ‘It’s like handing yourself over to a hungry wolf. He’ll tear you apart.’
I shrug. ‘I don’t care, baby. All I care about is you and the fact that the whole fucking world has decided I’m not good enough for you.
I’ve wiped the slate clean with you, and we still can’t be together.
The only way forward for me, for us, is to wipe the slate clean with everyone else and hope that, at some point, they stop seeing me as a predator who had some evil plan and start seeing me as a regular dude who fucked up and may be remotely deserving of a second chance. ’
‘I don’t like it.’ She stares at me. ‘I mean, taking questions live from Twitter! It’s a disaster waiting to happen. God only knows what sorts of things people will ask.’
‘I’m sure his producers will only let the more family-friendly tweets through.’
‘Still. I can’t believe Mike’s okay with this.’
‘Mike works for me.’
‘Good for you. Because most of the time I feel like I work for Mara.’
That earns her a little smile from me. ‘I’d feel like that too, if I were you.’
‘Does she know? And Donna?’
‘Mike’s telling them this morning. He wanted to give them enough time to get their ducks in a row, but not enough time to derail the interview.’
She twists her mouth. ‘Makes sense, I suppose. I’m sure Mara will try her best, though.’
Dan calls over to us. ‘Josh. Elle. Ready for you.’
‘Sure!’ I call back to him. I turn to Elle.
There’s no way I’m letting this slide.
No way I’m losing her.
Not when we’ve come so far.
Tonight I’m gonna go out there and fight for my girl.