Chapter 49
Elle
Icould never have let Josh throw himself under the bus for me like that.
As soon as he told me, I knew I needed to be there to take my share of the flak. After all, I was the one who shot my mouth off on this very sofa last week. I’m the one who stirred up a total shit-storm over what should have been old news.
Look, I have no doubt that if I hadn’t said anything, if Josh and I had just gone for it and quietly shown our faces in public as a couple, we’d still have been utterly crucified by the press.
So maybe my outburst was meant to be. Maybe it’s afforded us both the perfect opportunity to shape the narrative, as Mara would say.
She’s not happy that I’m coming on, but given the size of the hole I’ve dug us all into, she and Donna are resigned to my coming on here and presenting a united front with Josh.
But I’m not here for them.
Or me.
I’m here for him.
Gordon gets to me first and kisses me on both cheeks. When he releases me, I go straight to Josh, who’s looking at me like I’m a mirage.
‘Hi,’ I whisper, and I step right into his arms. His whole body sags as he wraps himself around me.
Even his chin sags onto the top of my head.
And the relief is sublime. The relief of being able to reach him, to show him I’m right here after sitting backstage, watching him in pieces.
Watching him take so much shit on my account.
Out there all alone.
He hugs me and hugs me, and I don’t know if he’s sold the audience with his words, or if they’re just over-excited by watching tomorrow’s headlines unfold live in front of them, but the noise around us is deafening.
I’m vaguely aware of Gordon behind me, asking everyone to settle down, but I don’t let go of Josh until Gordon puts a hand on both our shoulders to break us up.
We collapse on the sofa together, thigh to thigh.
Josh has my hand on his leg and is gripping it like it’s the only thing stopping him from falling off the face of the earth right now.
His head is bowed, and he’s shaking. While Gordon works on quieting down the audience, most of whom are on their feet, I bend my head to meet his eyes and use my thumb pad to wipe the dampness from his cheeks.
The guy is destroyed, and while it’s killing me to see him like this, part of me is glad.
Glad the whole world gets to witness how amazing he is.
How human. How humble. How selfless. Surely no one can dub him a ‘manipulative predator’ (yes, that was one of the recent headlines about him), seeing him so vulnerable.
So wide open.
So undone.
I grip his hand as Gordon regains control of the studio.
‘Er, Josh, mate—I think you’ve just been eclipsed.’
‘She eclipses everyone.’ Josh wipes his eyes again with his free hand.
The audience goes ahhhh, and Gordon rolls his eyes.
‘Right then, Elle. Good to have you back so soon. Let’s get you to earn your keep. Anything from your last visit you’d like to retract?’
Game on. I straighten up. ‘Yeah. I think it’s pretty obvious I shouldn’t have said what I said last week. This man deserves every type of happy ending, in case he hasn’t made that clear just now.’
‘So why d’you say it?’
‘He’d really pissed me off about something earlier that day. It was a stupid knee-jerk comment.’
‘What do you make of the press furore around it all?’
‘Look. I appreciate my fans more than I can say. And I appreciate all the platforms out there who have helped me find success, helped me find a voice. But what they’ve been saying isn’t my voice—they’re putting words in my mouth.
And it concerns me, Gordon. And I don’t want to put a foot wrong here.
Not because I’m worried about my image, but because I know people look to me for direction, rightly or wrongly, and I don’t want them to infer the wrong thing from my actions and get hurt in their own lives.
‘Yeah, Josh behaved like a dick to me five years ago. So what? People grow. They change. We’re all better than the worst things we’ve done.
He’s explained himself to me, and I find his explanation acceptable, so I don’t need well-meaning third parties to protect me.
I just want you all to know I’ve found a good man.
No one hated this guy’s guts more than me a few months ago, when we started filming Grosvenor.
Believe me. But he’s shown up for me. He’s put actions above words, and he’s won me over. ’
‘Can I ask how?’
I glance at Josh, who gives me a little smile and a nod, as if to say you can do this.
‘You can. Josh never shared his substance abuse struggles with me, and I wish he had, because I would like to have been there for him. But it turns out, we were both keeping things from each other—hiding the sides of ourselves we thought made us less-than. It’s kind of ridiculous, because these are the things that have brought us closer recently.
‘So, when I was finishing up the interview with you last week, I felt pretty ill, and that escalated into a huge flare-up later that night that had me hospitalised.’
Gordon’s mouth is an O. I didn’t brief him on this.
‘I’m so sorry, love. Are you okay now?’
‘Yeah, I’m fine now, thanks. But I have Crohn’s disease, have done for over a decade. It’s not public knowledge. It’s something I struggle with every day, and yet I never told Josh.’
‘And why was that?’
‘Because it was so embarrassing. It’s a horrible illness that inflames your bowel, and let’s just say the symptoms are as revolting and unglamorous as you can get.
And I’d got together with this Hollywood god, who I was besotted with, and there was no way I was coming clean to him about my condition. ’ I bow my head.
‘I wanted him to think I was perfect. He seemed really into me, and I was worried I’d put him off me if I told him.
And after he finished with me, I was so relieved I’d kept that bit of myself back, because I thought even the perfect front I’d put on hadn’t been enough for him. I know now I was wrong.’
Josh puts his arm around me and kisses my temple as the audience swoons.
‘So what went wrong last week then—are you happy to talk about your stint in hospital?’
‘Of course. I lost a lot of blood and fluids; I was severely dehydrated. Josh found out and came to the hospital. He took me home when I was discharged and stayed with me the whole time. Carried me around. Ran me baths. Fed me broth. He was amazing. And obviously it all came out, then. What I really have to deal with. He asked me if I’d consider sharing my story, and I haven’t, until now, for personal reasons.
‘But it was one of the things I wanted to do tonight. If Josh can be brave enough to share himself with all of you, warts and all, then so can I. I know how many of you out there suffer from Crohn’s, far worse than I do.
I know how much it’s impacted your quality of life.
And I’m going to get a lot better about championing you, I promise. ’
Gordon leans forward, his cue cards hanging from his hand. ‘How do you feel about everything, Elle? Now you and Josh have got everything out in the open, with each other, and with the world?’
I smile at Josh, searching his beautiful face for a sign that he knows everything’s going to be okay.
‘I feel a huge sense of relief that there are no more secrets. And privilege, that this man has trusted me enough to show me his true self. I only wish he’d trusted me with that privilege sooner. Because the more fully I see him, the more I love him.’
I hold Josh’s gaze as I say this, and everything fades away as he lowers his mouth to mine. The audience. On their feet. Stamping. Cheering. Applauding. Gordon’s attempts to restore order. The cameras. Everything fades away but his kiss.