19. Chapter 19
nineteen
The air was cold and still. The sun had yet to rise truly, but the sky was a deep heather grey that blended into the wispy clouds above.
It was right after work, and Cyrus was still clad in his usual dark shirt and dark pants.
Except more buttons were undone, and his hair was more of a mess than he usually let it get during work.
His black dress shoes patted gently along the sidewalk as he moved through the early morning.
Then crushed the dying grass beneath them.
Between his fingers, he held two roses. His green eyes flicked down to them.
The cold made them last longer, but they weren’t in full bloom due to the cold.
He sighed and stopped walking. Cyrus’s gaze shifted to the familiar block of marble and cement.
Scrawled in harsh capital letters along the marble, it said:
KASPER MONTEL.
1980-2008
LOVING HUSBAND, SON, AND brOTHER.
Cyrus took a slow breath, leaned down, and placed the roses near the base of the gravestone. His heart squeezed in his chest, and he stayed crouched down for a long moment.
“Kasper,” he sighed. “I knew it was going to be hard after you, but, after so long, I just…”
Cyrus scrubbed a hand over his face. “I guess I thought maybe I’d never feel…so much again. So, I’d never have to be hurt again.”
“Maybe I don’t want to feel again,” Cyrus mumbled. His eyes stung, and he curled his hands into fists as he stood up.
“None of this would be happening if you were here,” he growled softly. “You’d have been Alpha instead of Liam, and you’d have snuffed the fire under Jasmine out before it even began.” He waved a hand.
He shook his head. “You’d have been…a better Alpha than even I thought I could be.” He looked up for a moment and then back down. “And, I wouldn’t be here feeling this. For someone who’s not you.”
Cyrus groaned. “What do you even think of me? Wherever you are…” He shoved his hands into his pockets.
He scoffed. “What am I sayin’?” He exhaled heavily.
“It’s been ten years. You’re probably sipping one thousand-year-old wine and wondering why the fuck I’m still down here feeling sorry for myself. ”
He kicked at a clump of dirt a few inches in front of his foot.
“I hope you’re happy,” he mumbled, “I want to be.”
He swallowed hard and then turned around to walk away into the early morning as the sky was growing lighter.
By the time Cyrus got home, it still wasn’t quite sunrise.
It was taking its damn time like most things, it seemed.
The days to drag on since he found out what Gabe had planned, and the morning appeared no different.
He didn’t bother getting food. His stomach was in knots.
He headed for his bedroom. He saw a familiar figure sitting on his bed when he opened the door.
His shoulders flinched.
Cyrus exhaled slowly.
“What?” he asked. For the first time in several days, he let his gaze meet Gabe’s. It hurt, but he was too tired to fight it. He closed the door behind him and started to undo the buttons on his shirt.
“We need to talk,” Gabe insisted. His voice was tired.
“Did you stay up waiting for me?” Cyrus asked.
Gabe didn’t reply to his question. “You won’t talk to me. You said you needed time to…cope with the plan,” Gabe said. “I didn’t think that meant you wouldn’t even talk to me or look at me.”
Cyrus felt his own eyes burn as Gabe’s eyes glittered, and a look of sadness and frustration was almost mirrored there.
“Especially not after…” Gabe trailed off. “Look, I don’t know what we are, or if…you took things different than me, but…this means something to me.”
Cyrus bit the inside of his cheek. His own emotion was bubbling up inside of him.
“If it doesn’t mean anything to you—” Gabe started.
“Are you serious?” Cyrus asked, low. “You’re the one putting yourself up to die, and you’re asking me if you don’t mean anything to me?”
He stepped closed.
“I’m doing it for the pack,” Gabe told him. “Isn’t this what you wanted? Me to stand up and…be the Alpha they need?”
Cyrus scoffed. “Be the Alpha we need…not fucking die,” he huffed.
“So you wouldn’t do it?” Gabe asked.
Cyrus couldn’t get the words out of his mouth. He looked to the side.
“You would,” Gabe said quietly and stepped closer. “I have to do this.”
“This isn’t your fight. Liam is the one w—” Cyrus tried but was cut off.
“Liam started this and didn’t tell you. I’m Alpha now, and I’m going fix it,” Gabe said, his voice faltering.
“Why you?” Cyrus asked, his breath falling out of him, and he turned to sink on the edge of the bed. Gabe was now standing.
“Because I’m the only one who can,” Gabe told him.
Cyrus shook his head. “No… I.…why did it have to be you, Gabe,” he said slowly. “Why did it have to be you that made me feel again.”
Gabe moved to sit beside him. Cyrus kept his gaze on the floor.
“Cyrus…” Gabe whispered.
“I lost him. I don’t want to lose you too,” Cyrus whispered in return. His throat was tight.
“What are you talking about?” Gabe asked. “Who?”
Cyrus took a slow breath and shook his head, turning it away from Gabe as his eyes stung and tears tried desperately to push from his waterline.
“No, please, look at me…” Gabe grabbed his face and turned it toward him. Cyrus nearly smacked his hands away from him.
“I was married,” Cyrus told him, voice low, face hot. “For four years, to a man I’d been with for six years. Kasper,” he mumbled and took a slow breath. “Kasper d-died. A fucking…drunken hunter. Of all things. A human who didn’t know about Weres.”
Gabe inhaled softly but quickly. “Oh my god,” he whispered. “Cyrus, I’m so…”
Cyrus flinched away from his touch for a moment. “It was a full moon, but…we were shifting together,” he explained. “I wasn’t there to protect him or help him. I was…a mess.”
He took another breath, a few tears dripping down his face.
“Your parents could tell. I wasn’t doing okay… They asked I-I didn’t have the…I just told them. I was comfortable finally to tell them about Kasper, I thought that they’d understand, but they didn’t and…” He gasped something, his chest feeling so tight that it hurt.
“Oh god, they…” Gabe exhaled shakily. “They made you leave because you’re queer. They kicked you out when your husband fucking died. I—Cyrus. I’m so sorry.”
Cyrus felt Gabe’s hand on his back and didn’t move away from him but kept his eyes on the floor.
“I spent days…tracking down the hunter,” Cyrus admitted. “They didn’t want me to. They told me…justice would be had humanly. I just…I couldn’t live if he was alive. Gabe, I couldn’t. Not with Kasper dead. He couldn’t live. I couldn’t let him.”
Cyrus curled his hands into fists, and a soft sound escaped him that was so desperate it hurt even him.
“I k-killed him,” Cyrus cried. “Then I drank. That’s it. There are parts I don’t know if I was human or wolf. I tried to push everything from the time I met Kasper to the moment he died, and I killed his…murderer out of my head. T-That’s why I didn’t remember you. That’s why…”
“That’s why this hurts so much, isn’t it?” Gabe asked. “Cyrus…I…I’m so sorry.”
Gabe wrapped his arms around Cyrus and held him tightly.
“I can’t lose you too. I can’t,” Cyrus cried. Unable to fight the tears dripping down his face and the way he started to shiver.
“I’m so sorry, Cyrus I… I have to I…” Gabe sniffled and squeezed Cyrus tighter. Until they were lying on the bed, Cyrus curled up against Gabe.
So tired. So hurt. Too much.
He felt Gabe kiss his forehead and his cheek.
Stroke his hair and the back of his neck as he cried.
Cyrus buried his face into the crook of Gabe’s neck.
Unable to care if he was weak or selfish.
Unable to care what Kasper might have thought of what was happening or what anyone else thought. He couldn’t hold onto it anymore.
“It’ll be okay,” Gabe whispered. Cyrus could hear the pain in Gabe’s voice. Cyrus’s tears dripped onto Gabe’s shirt and soaked into the fabric.
How was he going to survive this?
Cyrus took a slow breath, nuzzling his face into Gabe’s shoulder, blinking numbly. Sleep tugging at his being.
“Yes, it will,” he whispered.
Sleep didn’t come easy to Cyrus. Not even in the slightest. Especially not still in his work clothing, he eventually fell asleep.
He was nestled into Gabe’s arms. The scent of the other man surrounded him as he slept.
It was not the most sound, but it was something he needed.
To feel his arms around him and know that he was there.
Even in his sleep, Cyrus ached. When his eyes finally peeled open a mere handful of hours later, the sun was up in the sky, peaking through the blinds and curtains.
His blurry gaze shifted to Gabe. He was still fast asleep.
Snoring gently, chest rising and falling.
He must’ve stayed up to wait for Cyrus to get home.
Cyrus sighed softly. Well, it was in his favor.
He worked to get out of bed without waking Gabe up. He slowly inched his way out of the bedroom. Cursing every single creak of the floor.
However, as he got into the hallway, a familiar face popped into view.
“What are you doing?” Lily asked.
Cyrus flinched. “Fuck!” he whispered and finished closing the door behind him. He took a slow breath.
“Nothing, just trying not to wake Gabe up,” he insisted.
She eyed him. “You shouldn’t be awake for a while,” she noted.
Cyrus stomached growled. He jumped on the excuse.
“Just getting something to eat, woke up hungry as hell,” he told her. Looking her directly in the eyes.
Lily eyed him once more and then folded her arms and smiled. “Alright, well, I’m getting something to eat too; let’s go,” she mused. Cyrus sighed and turned to follow her downstairs to the kitchen.
As they were walking, she hummed softly. “Not planning anything stupid, right?” she asked.
Cyrus leaned against the counter. “No,” he said slowly.
“Okay, well, you know the meeting is this evening,” she reminded him.