Chapter 33
MY EGO
Arik didn’t know what more he could do.
Natalie ran hot and cold.
She gave just enough for him to hope, then pulled back far more for him to worry.
If his heart weren’t so invested he’d walk away.
In the past, that was his go-to.
His present and his future dictated that he hold firm.
“How is your app going?” she asked.
Typical of her to change the subject.
He’d lean in, searching for more than what she offered on the surface, but she always backed away, as if depth came with too high a cost.
He wouldn’t let his frustration show. Maybe he needed to keep proving he wasn’t a gypsy on the run anymore.
“It’s going well. I hope to have some people testing what I’ve got soon.”
“How do you find people to do that?”
“Online. Maybe another week. I’m telling myself not to make it perfect, just make it work.”
“Is that how you’ve always operated?”
And this was where he could open up and see if she did the same.
“No. In the past, when it mattered, when my teeth were sunk into something, that is how I felt. Sunk. Every waking moment and most of my sleeping hours were spent focused on what my next step would be. There weren’t a lot of breaks, just mounting pressure.
Make it presentable. Make it perfect. Then get it sold.
I drilled that motto into my head and it worked. ”
There was no hiding her wince of sympathy. “That doesn’t sound healthy.”
“It wasn’t. But you see the finish line and what it could be. Not just the product, but the payout. The first time was an adrenaline rush. The second was my ego. My ego landed me in a not so good place when it was done.”
While he got the sauce up to temperature, he cut the lobster tails into chunks and turned the water on for the pasta. It wouldn’t take long for it all to cook and create flavors.
“You talked about being sick before. Is that what you mean? Or was there more to it?”
“I worked myself ill to get those nine figures. I told myself when it was done, I wouldn’t do it again. I could step back and take the time to figure out my future. That was years ago.” He let out a not so funny laugh. “I haven’t figured out much other than I don’t want to leave you.”
She blinked slowly, the silence stretching between them like spider legs crawling up his spine. Delicate, unsettling, and impossible to ignore.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because you asked and it needs to be said. This thing we’ve got.
I’m not looking for any kind of an ending that takes me off this island.
I know you’re fearful of it. It radiates off your body daily.
You hide it, and hide it well, until I can wiggle pieces out, but they build back each time you leave for me to start all over again. ”
Her shoulders dropped, her eyes with it. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel like shit over this.
“I’m sorry. It’s hard to stop years of behavior. I talked to my mother last week. She wanted to know my thoughts about us.”
“I’d like to know them too.”
“I’m afraid to open up and then have you leave. It’s stupid. You’re not making promises. I’m not asking you to either.”
“Even if I explained it, you’d still doubt it. That’s why I’m not just telling you. I’m showing you. I’m opening up, breaking patterns, giving you pieces of me I’ve always kept guarded. Kind of like you. Do you want to know what’s different?”
“Yes.”
“Will you share what’s different with you too?”
Not that he couldn’t see, but if she’d said it herself, maybe she’d believe it more. Believe in them more.
“I will.”
“No one knows what came after my last job. No one but my grandmother. The moment the money landed, I decided I was going back to her. I stayed a little longer to wrap things up, thinking I’d get a breather, let the chaos wear off, but it didn’t. The high, the tension, it just never let go.”
“What happened to you? Specifically?”
There was more sympathy in her brown eyes. They looked him over as if searching for wounds but everything was internal. No one saw what he felt or went through. Only what he chose to share.
“Migraines that lasted longer than they should have even chased with a lot of meds. Ulcers that needed more. Weight loss. I rarely slept, my body ached, my mind was fatigued, but I pushed through because I had no choice. I wasn’t alone.
There were several of us and I wasn’t going to be the one to let anyone down. It wouldn’t fall on me if it failed.”
She stood up, walked closer and put her arms around him in a hug. One meant to comfort. Maybe it was for her as much as him. “I’m so sorry you went through that. Now I understand why you say you’ll never work for another person.”
“That’s right. I want it on me. I can get sucked into that vortex again easily. It’s a flaw of mine. I’m not letting it happen with this app or anything else. Or I’m telling myself I’m not. That’s part of what my conversation with my grandmother was today.”
“She’s checking in on you,” she said.
“She is.”
“I’ll keep an eye on it if you let me.”
“I’d like that. Not to burden you but maybe to keep me on the straight and narrow.”
She stepped back after a light laugh. “That’s me. The straight and narrow. But not lately.”
“Feels wonderful to break free of it, doesn’t it?”
“More than I thought it would. You say you’re opening up and telling me of your wounds, I’ve got some of my own. Being perfect isn’t always that much fun, but it keeps life simple.”
“Life doesn’t need to be simple.”
“I’m learning that. I told you before you brought something out of me no one else could or has. That’s me giving you something too.”
“I know and I’m glad you can admit it.” He went back to dinner, dropping the seafood in the sauce to cook. The water was boiling, so the pasta went in also. “I talked of breaking patterns.”
“That part confused me.”
“In the past, even before my bank account grew, I spent more time trying to impress women. With my intelligence as well as material things. Nice dinners, outings. I paid for everything. I won’t say I took them on fancy vacations or paid for plastic surgery.”
Her laugh broke through the tension, and he couldn’t help but smile, relieved that he’d lifted the weight of their talk, even if for a moment.
“That’s good to know.”
“I’m not my father. I’ve never cheated.”
“I wouldn’t think that you had.”
“But I still felt the need to say it. There was part of him in me that wanted to prove something to these women. Did they want to be with me or only want what I could give them? My mind always went to the second.”
“Because that is what your father does?” she asked.
“Childish and insecure on my part, but we can’t always control the thoughts in our brain.”
She let out an unladylike snort. “We can’t. I know that.”
“I bet your brain gets exhausted being on overdrive trying to break through your words and actions.”
“Now, now,” she said. “Let’s not be mean.”
He closed one eye, his eyebrow rising. “Not mean, just the truth, right?”
“A tiny bit of it. But I’ve never made myself ill over those things.”
“I’m glad. And back to me, because I do like talking about myself.” He stirred their dinner while he took in the grin that wasn’t leaving her face. “With you, you know what I’ve got, but I’m not really showing it. Or giving it to you.”
“I don’t care about those things.”
“I know that. I didn’t believe it, but I know it now.”
“So it was a test?” she asked. There went the grin from her face, her brows together and her nose twitching some.
“No test. Not purposely. I asked myself what you’d like. Then I thought of the girl I knew a decade ago. Money had never been your motivation and I didn’t believe you changed.”
“It’s not. Would I like more? Sure. Who wouldn’t? I bet even you do.”
“I do, but not enough to sell my soul again. And that is what it felt like for years to get to this point. And this thing with us, I want it to mean more. I want it to come from my heart. You’re not impressed by me.”
“Arik, don’t be silly. I’m impressed with everything you’ve accomplished.”
“But not what I’ve got,” he said. “More about what I did.”
“True.”
“So with you, the time we spend together, I want it more about us, not what I can give you of value. The value is me. My time. How we feel. How you make me feel. The basics that I never saw with my parents.”
The tears in her eyes weren’t helping his confession any.
Must have fucked this up without even trying.
She moved toward him again, but her arms were open.
He didn’t hesitate to go into them.
She held him tight, her mouth to his neck with a tear falling on his skin. “That’s the best gift and explanation you could have given me. I’m scared, Arik. That’s me being honest with you. That’s my curtain dropping. You scare me.”
“Why?” he whispered, his breath brushing her ear. He never wanted to hurt her, but he heard the ache behind her words, and it pierced him all the same.
“Because you have more of me than anyone ever has, and the thought of giving you the rest, only to have it fall apart, terrifies me. And saying that out loud? I’m scared it sounds like pressure, when all I want is for you to know how much this matters to me.”