Chapter 37 Not Like This
NOT LIKE THIS
But it wasn’t child’s play two weeks later as she stood in her bathroom and stared at the positive pregnancy test.
She closed her eyes, inhaled as much oxygen as she could, let it out, then opened them hoping for different results.
Nope!
Her hand was shaking as she clutched the results of losing her heart to a man who never stayed in one place longer than a year.
A tidal wave of anger, frustration, and soul-crushing disappointment surged through her, raw and uncontrollable. Things she’d held in most of her life and just couldn’t another minute.
A scream tore from her throat as she hurled the test across the room, the plastic shattering against the wall like the illusion of control she’d been clinging to since Arik walked back into her life.
Her hands cupped her mouth, stunned silent by her response.
She’d never done anything like that.
Ever.
But she’d never been in love before. Nor felt such fear of letting the person know.
There was no hiding this.
She bent to pick up the pieces of the broken test in the hallway, brought them back to the bathroom to place on the counter and sank onto the lid of the toilet, her face in her hands and her sobbing all but wrecking her body.
How stupid she’d been. How could she not see the signs?
Because she’d never been pregnant before.
Never had a reason to worry about it.
They were protecting themselves. Each and every single time!
Did they get a little aggressive or out of control once in a while? Sure. Who didn’t?
Could that have caused this to happen?
Sitting here and analyzing something she couldn’t change wasn’t helping her.
She took a large breath in, slapped her hands to her knees and pushed herself up. Her glance in the mirror was horrifying.
Her face was a blotchy red mess, wet, and shiny clear snot dripping out of her nose, her eyes a faucet with broken handles running on steroids.
Babies were a wonderful thing, she silently chanted.
She loved kids.
She’d always wanted them.
Just not like this.
She turned the water on cold, ran her hands under it, cupped as much as she could and splashed it over her face. Arik would be here soon. Maybe she should have waited to take the test until tomorrow morning before work.
Yeah, that wouldn’t have been any better if she had to walk into the building looking as if her world was ending.
Not ending. Just crashing and burning.
By the time Arik was knocking on her door, she’d pulled herself together, put more makeup on than normal and opened the door with a smile on her face.
“Hey,” he said. She must not have done that great of a job because the next words were, “What happened? Are you hurt?”
She burst into tears.
Where the heck had all the masks she’d built and perfected over the years gone?
Out the window with her reputation!
“We need to talk,” she said.
Lying about this wouldn’t sit well.
Neither would pushing it off.
It was like a Band-Aid on an open wound. Pull it off now before it scabs over and sticks even tighter.
“Is someone hurt? Sick? Dying? God, I hope it’s not the last one.”
She was dying inside, but it felt overly dramatic to share that.
“I’m not sure how to say this. I’m just going to blurt it out to get it off my chest.”
“Okay,” he said. “Do what works for you.”
That was the thing about Arik.
He always cared.
He never tried to make her be someone she wasn’t. Even encouraged her to be a better version of herself.
She had to remind herself of this.
It wasn’t as if she did it on purpose. It wasn’t planned.
He’d been a willing participant every time. He saw the condoms, even put most of them on himself.
“I’m pregnant,” she said. His wide-eyed stare didn’t tell her anything. Neither did his silence. Five seconds went by. Nothing. He wasn’t making her feel any calmer. “Did you hear me?”
He burst into laughter, picked her up and spun her around.
What the heck was happening right now?
“Seriously? I’m going to be a dad?”
“Put me down, I don’t want to get sick.”
His body stopped moving as if the biggest brake pads had been engaged before a crash. The movement almost caused them both to tumble to the ground, him holding her tight to shield her if it happened.
“Sorry. Let’s rewind. You’re pregnant. Really pregnant?” His eyes dropped to her belly. “Like my baby is in there?”
“Really pregnant and pregnant are the same thing. Not sure how it can be more exaggerated. And it’s more like the size of a pea right now. At least I think. I’m only a week late.”
“So that is how far along?”
“Five weeks. They go by your last period. I’m never late and everything has been crazy at work getting ready for that wedding last week and the guests that came in. Then this week more going on.”
“Slow down,” he said. “I don’t care about work. I want to know about you.”
“Sorry. I found out thirty minutes ago.”
“And you’re upset? I could tell right away you’ve been crying.”
“Yes, I’m upset. How can you not be?”
He shrugged, grabbed her hand and tugged her to the couch. “Because I’m not. Sorry. I’m excited. I want you to be too.”
“It’s a little hard to feel that way right now. We’ve been dating close to two months. These things don’t happen to me.”
“Looks like they are now,” he said. His smile was huge, his brown eyes crinkled at the corners, and maybe even a little misty looking.
His actions spoke the same truth his words had been whispering all along. That he meant every promise, every action. And now, watching him, feeling him, she wondered how she ever doubted it. Maybe it wasn’t him she didn’t trust… maybe it was how quickly she fell.
“I’m sorry.” It was all she could say. It was all she felt. Her tears betraying her once again.
“I’m not,” he said, pulling her tight to his chest and his arms squeezing the breath out of her. “I know you. You’re reeling right now.”
She let out a loud snort. “You don’t know the half of it.”
“You’ll catch up to me. I know.” He sat back and looked into her eyes. “I’m not going to take offense at how upset you are. Little Miss Planner is having a crisis. But I can be the crutch you use now. Going with the flow and pivoting is my expertise.”
It was exactly what she wanted to hear. Needed to have said to her.
“It’s early. I need to see a doctor. There is so much to talk about.”
“But nothing right now,” he said. “I mean it. Not if it’s going to worry you. I know you, you’ll start taking your steps like calling the doctor tomorrow. Me, I want to tell everyone.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Not yet. Maybe it’s a mistake.”
The hurt that flickered across his face at her careless words hit her like a punch to the chest.
“Where did the woman who watched all her words carefully go?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that too,” he said, his arm squeezing her shoulder. “Enough of that. Tell me how you feel. Anything off?”
The air escaped her lungs. “I feel like an idiot looking back. A few weeks ago the seafood smell was stronger than normal but not that it made me ill. Just more heightened.”
“Is that normal?”
“I think so. I haven’t looked into anything, but Avery said smells bothered her more. They were stronger than normal.”
“Anything else?”
“I’m tired, but I shrugged that off as working so much.”
“I could see that. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t know if I want you working that hard.”
“Whoa,” she said, putting her hand up. “I’ve got a job I love and I’m not giving it up.”
“I didn’t ask you to give it up. I was honest and voiced my concern that I’m not sure I want you working so hard. Long days and coming home exhausted. But I’m willing to bet your boss will take care of that.”
He wasn’t wrong. When the word got out, Hunter would tell her to cut back and do what was right for her.
“We’ll deal with it as it comes.”
“When do you think you’d be due?”
“I put it into a pregnancy calculator I found online. It’s coming back January twentieth. It’s actually good timing as we’re slow in the winter.”
His mouth opened and then closed again, his hand going to his head to scratch. “See, I controlled myself.”
“Barely.”
“Let’s get some food in your belly. Got to feed the pea.” He stood and held his hand out to hers. “Natalie. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere. If you didn’t believe it before, believe it now. I’d never leave my child.”
She didn’t want to hear that was the only reason he was staying.
She wanted him to stay for her.