Chapter 46 Finding Fault
FINDING FAULT
“Don’t you dare leave on me,” he yelled back and scooped up the papers in a messy pile in his arms to chase her down the stairs.
She turned at the bottom and went to the living room. She wasn’t sitting and the way she was pacing told him to not even consider suggesting it.
He’d been warned she wouldn’t be happy if she ever found out.
He should have listened to his grandmother.
“I’m not leaving, but we’re having this out.”
“Fine. I just told you. I’m sorry. I am. I didn’t want to scare you if you knew that.”
“Scare me?”
“Come on, Natalie. If I told you I came here to reconnect with you and see if the spark was there, what would you have done?”
“Laughed. Not believed you.”
Huh? That didn’t seem right. “That’s it? Nothing more?”
“No,” she said. “I would have remembered you were the guy that always made me laugh. That made me feel and do things others couldn’t.”
Damn it.
He fucked up big.
Didn’t she laugh not that long ago when he eased his way in there about pursuing her so hard when he got to the island?
What an idiot he’d been!
“I didn’t know that.”
“You never gave me a chance. Just like with the house. Like your mother said. You’re impulsive and spontaneous. You do what you want, when you want, and think only of yourself. When you dig into something though, nothing stands in your way. I’m what you dug into, right?”
“No. I mean, yes. We both did when we started dating. And as for the other, I thought I was putting down roots for us. I messed up. I acted like my father buying the house alone. I get it now.”
“That’s right. This is a partnership, not a solo relationship.”
He hated hearing the truth. He couldn’t argue it. But then something else hit him.
“Back up. When did you talk to my mother?” He put the papers down on the glass coffee table, some falling to the floor. His eyes landed on the word prenup.
Motherfucker!
“She was just here and stopped in to see me and had that. I told her we haven’t talked about a wedding.”
“She had no idea I bought a ring.”
“I think it was just wishful thinking a wedding was next and she wanted to protect you. The funny thing is, I have no problem signing that. Not if you want it. I even told her that.”
“I don’t want one,” he argued.
“Maybe I do. Maybe it will make me feel better to have it so everyone will feel easier about things.”
“It only matters what I want.”
She pointed her finger. “There. Right there. That’s it. What you want. Think about it. It’s been like that for a long time.”
“Oh God. Nothing I say is going to get through to you, is it? Are you even going to let me talk?”
“No one has put tape over your mouth.”
“That’s right. I thought you would have accused me of being creepy if you knew I came here hoping to see you again. That it would have pushed you away if I told you.”
“And I said it wouldn’t. But since it never came up, you don’t know that.”
“Everything I’ve done has been in fear of you finding fault with me.”
“That’s on you, Arik. You think I’m in my head a lot and it’s nothing compared to what you have going on in your brain.”
Not the first time he’d been told that.
“I’m sorry, Natalie.” His eyes stung. “I’ve never wanted to hurt you.
Ever. Every move I make or think to do is causing you pain.
I didn’t lie to you. I might not have said the complete truth, but I told you why.
That doesn’t change how I feel about you.
That I love you and want you and our child in my life.
I want to give you something great. I want you to do the same to me. ”
She stopped pacing and stared at him. The last thing he wanted to do was cry, but he didn’t know how much more he could hold it back.
“That is what you should say to me, Arik. Be yourself. Be real. Tell me what is going on. Don’t put a mask over your fear.”
“Seriously?” he asked. He blinked, holding back the tears. Her words were enough to dry them instantly. “You’re the one who hides behind a calm, cool exterior. The perfect response to every situation. The one who can quiet a crowd without feeling emotions while you do it.”
Tears fell from her eyes.
There he was, hurting her again.
“You’re the only one that sees through that,” she said.
“You tell yourself that all the time. But the one who lets you be you? Be honest, you’re afraid to be yourself around me, aren’t you? You’ve said it before. You can’t lie.”
“I wouldn’t lie because I don’t. Yes. I’m always fearful of being myself, but you never made me feel that way.”
“I’m glad. I truly am. But me, I doubted myself more than I let on. You think I’m a slob. You think I can’t stick.”
“Nooooo. You think you can’t stick. Not me.”
“I’m going to call bullshit right now. Most of our fights in the past month or longer were because you didn’t think I’d stay.
You thought if you opened yourself up to me, I’d leave and you’d be heartbroken.
Coming here to see if the spark still existed didn’t mean you’d fall in love with me.
I can’t control that. Only you can. Tell yourself all you want I played you, but you were willing. More than willing.”
Her hands covered her face, the sobs more than he could handle.
He had her in his arms and was holding her tight.
Her pain was his pain.
Why did they do this to each other?
“Why am I so mad that you’re right?” she asked.
“I don’t know. We’re both right and we’re both wrong. This has to stop. I didn’t lie to you. I don’t want to hurt you. I made a mistake. If I could go back in time, I’d do it differently, but I can’t. Neither of us can. Do we have to keep beating ourselves up like this?”
“No,” she said. “I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to fight. I just want it all out. Is there anything else?”
“Nothing. I swear. I love you. I know we are going to hurt each other.”
“I know,” she said. “I don’t like doing it. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t even like to fight.”
“You’re good at it though.”
She let out a laugh. “Not something to be proud of. I tried to come over here and be calm to question you, but the more I thought of everything, the more worked up I got.”
“I’m going to find out what the hell my mother was up to. She had no right to get involved.”
“She said she was watching out for you. I don’t even have a problem with it.” She moved out of his arms and sat, then patted the cushion for him to be next to her. “Maybe not the best approach though.”
“No. She needs to stay out of it.”
“She wants to be part of our child’s life. She was protecting you. She even said that she liked me.”
“She has a shitty way of showing it.”
“That’s for you to deal with.”
“And I will,” he said. He’d be calling her soon. She went too far this time.
“Arik. I really do love you. You’re right. You didn’t force me to feel these things. You’ve even made me feel like I could be myself around you and others. No one else could do that.”
“And you made me believe I could stick. That when it means something, I’m committed.”
“You always had that ability, Arik. You needed to see it yourself.”
“The same as you. We’re kind of a hot mess, aren’t we?” he said.
“Yep! And I want you to know you can always be that way around me. I don’t judge. Ever.”
“As long as you do the same with me!”