30. Deeper Wounds #2
I wander over to the leader of the NYC Vampire Coven to see him holding a glass of blood. As he turns toward me, I catch a slight metallic scent, the same as when he drank from me hours ago. It’s not synthetic blood. It’s human.
I must look as confused as I feel. Storing human blood is against the World Treaty because there isn’t enough in blood banks as it is. Vamps used to raid them to steal the supplies, leaving hospitals and clinics desperately short.
‘It’s not stolen,’ he tells me with a half-smile. ‘We keep a small supply of human blood for emergencies, all freely given. Never from blood banks or hospitals. Would you like to arrest me?’ His dark eyes have a glint in them as they sweep over what I’m wearing.
‘That seems like too much effort right now,’ I wave a hand in dismissal, managing a half-smile as I tease him back. ‘Maybe later.’
‘I’d imagine there are much better uses for your handcuffs.’ He slowly drinks more blood, and I watch him swallow, my eyes catching on a drop clinging to his lips.
There’s no mistaking exactly what he meant by that comment. But…it doesn’t mean anything. It’s the trauma talking. It’s the same thing as police humor, or inappropriate jokes at funerals.
‘Can we talk?’ I abruptly change the subject before my mind can go places it most definitely shouldn’t. My legs are unsteady as I turn abruptly and head over to the sitting area, and I put it down to everything except the Vampire behind me.
His glass refills with blood as he sits beside me on the couch, running a hand through his midnight hair. It looks better tousled, making him appear younger and more human. More approachable. Of course, he always used to be that for me.
‘About Selene,’ I start, and he looks relieved. What did he think I wanted to talk about?
‘Evangeline, I’m sorry that I didn’t deal with her when she killed your parents. None of this would have happened if I had. And you deserved better.’ He takes a deep drink, while I look anywhere but at his mouth.
Micah doesn’t ask me to forgive him, and it has nothing to do with pride.
He will let me decide without any emotional manipulation.
He is so much better than he thinks he is.
I’ve always known it. He’s not the villain in the story, any more than I’m a damsel who needs rescuing.
Those are momentary roles we’re thrust into, not who he is, or who I am.
Selene, however, chose to be the villain. As did Nahaz. I can even give Ashrael a free pass. He was being used and manipulated, and it’s his Daemon nature to kill. I can’t blame him for that.
‘Micah, you didn’t even know me then. You and Selene had a history.
You saved my life and took me in when you didn’t have to.
That’s what counts. I was seventeen. I could have survived on my own.
’ When I finally meet his eyes, I’m caught in the star-swept beauty of them.
He’s looking at me so intently that I shift my legs under me and curl back into the couch.
‘I had an obligation to make sure you were safe. She was in the city that night because of me.’ He falls silent, guilt flickering across his features. The recessed holo-lights gild his hair as he places his empty glass on the coffee table.
He’s hiding far more from me than he used to.
The past is the past, and rarely does rehashing it solve anything.
In reality, there’s no such thing as closure, and forgiveness is for the person giving it, not the one receiving.
But that doesn’t stop me from needing to know the truth.
Understanding is a whole different beast than closure.
‘Was it all from guilt, then? Because I thought…I thought we were friends.’ Damn it, I didn’t mean to say that.
It feels as if we’re slowly clawing back the relationship we had.
But I don’t even know if he wants it. He never once came to see me after I left, sending Lila instead.
The knowledge stings more than I realized.
These past few days have opened up things I’d buried in a lead-lined coffin six feet under.
‘We were. It may have started from guilt, but you reminded me what it felt like to care again. A seventeen-year-old girl taught me to enjoy life once more. I had lost sight of the fact that just because I’m immortal, it does not have to mean losing the joy of living.
The truth was, I’d been selfish for far too long.
I closed myself off from the world, no longer caring about human lives.
They were pointless, meaningless, there and gone in the blink of an eye.
’ His mouth twists in a wry grimace. Somehow, the space between us has disappeared, my hand is in his, and I’m not sure when it happened.
‘That’s not true. I know you supported a lot of charities and worthwhile organizations before you saved me.
The children’s hospital, for example.’ I’m not sure why I’m trying to convince him of his worth.
To the world, he’s nothing but a powerful, extremely wealthy immortal.
But I can’t stand the thought of him buying into his own press.
‘There was no kindness involved. I had no care, spared no thought for the children, for anyone my foundations and endless resources helped. It was all to cement our place in this city, so Vampires would be welcome. I was buying goodwill for the Coven, to cover our many sins.’ Micah turns my hand over and idly traces my palm, his star-filled eyes locked on mine.
In a flash of insight, I understand that he wants me to argue with him. He wants to see himself through my eyes. Was I always his redemption?
‘It doesn’t matter why you did it,’ I counter. ‘The point is that you did, and still do, change lives for the better.’
‘Does it cancel out the ones I’ve taken? Don’t paint me as a saint, Evangeline. Not even in your own mind. My sins are too numerous to count. I have killed, and I have reveled in it.’ His onyx eyes hold mine unflinchingly, as if willing me to believe his truth.
‘You told Selene you have never taken the life of someone who didn’t deserve it. So, is that true?’ I challenge him.
He’s showing me a vulnerability few others have seen.
Even Lila saw more of his strengths than his weaknesses.
And I get it. He’s thousands of years old; he has enemies, and he leads one of the largest Covens in the country, if not the world.
He can’t afford to be seen as weak. But true vulnerability is never weakness.
‘Yes, that is true,’ he huffs out a laugh, running his thumb over my knuckles, electricity shooting through me at the light touch. ‘That is how I was taught Vampires should live. This world owes us nothing, least of all their lives.’
‘It’s who you are intrinsically.’ I yawn as I shake my head, pulling my hand from his. Maybe doing this now wasn’t the best idea I’ve had. I haven’t slept in two days. Being knocked unconscious doesn’t count.
‘Time for bed,’ Micah says, and I falter as I meet his eyes, the heat in them unmistakable.
He always chooses his words with care. He said bed, not sleep. But this sleep deprivation is probably making me imagine things that aren’t there. Ascribing meaning to words that doesn’t exist.
‘There’s something else I need to ask you.’ Maybe I’m an idiot. Maybe I’m afraid that if I wait, I’ll lose the small shred of courage I have in this moment.
Micah is silent, waiting, so close I could reach out and trace the curve of his jaw, the sharp cheekbones and soft lips…
‘Why does Selene hate me so much? It can’t only be because you stopped her from killing me.’ I know she’s mentally unstable, but that seems excessive.
What if her plan to use me as bait hadn’t worked?
How had she known it would? I hadn’t even been in contact with Micah for seven years, so her jealousy of me doesn’t make sense.
Micah may have left her, but that was centuries ago.
She didn’t bother to kill Jezreel, or any of his other lovers.
And he never even loved me. Not in that way.
I can’t get it to make sense in my mind, and I hate loose ends.
‘Tomorrow,’ he tells me, his eyes shuttering as the mask I hate drops into place. It’s like having cold water thrown over me.
I’m not sure if I’m a coward or if I finally remembered that I have a boyfriend. Either way, I deflected what may have been an offer from him for what I’ve wanted for almost ten years. And now it’s too late to recapture the moment.
Micah stands smoothly and pulls me to my feet. ‘You need sleep, Evangeline.’
His lips brush my cheek lightly. Then he’s gone, and I’m alone with my unwanted thoughts and tangled emotions.