Chapter 33 Cody #2
I wonder if I look as miserable as I feel. “Isn’t it obvious why? Because we’re in the middle of our first fight, and I don’t like you meeting new guys when we have so many things unresolved between us.”
He frowns at that and for a moment I think he’ll become angry and storm off again, but his expression actually softens. “Is this really our first fight?”
“It is.”
He sighs and walks toward me until he’s standing right before me. He slowly moves his hands up and wraps the fabric of my button-up shirt in his fists, looking at me affectionately. “That took us quite a long time, didn’t it?”
“I agree.”
His mouth twitches. “It didn’t have to be this way . . . you saying what you did. I think you still underestimate me. You don’t trust me.”
I open my mouth to protest, but he shushes me.
“You know it’s true, and you know I’m right; it’s written all over your face.
Now, I have some thinking to do, and so do you, so I’m going out for a bit to blow off some steam.
But this . . .” He lets go of my shirt and holds up his hand with the engagement ring.
“I guarantee you that this stays where it is all night, and I’ll show it to whoever comes near, okay?
We’ll talk when I come back, or tomorrow. ”
He doesn’t await my response and instead leans in to give me a brief kiss. That’s something at least.
“See you later,” he says, and just like that, he walks away from me, grabs his coat, and walks out the door. I can’t find it in me to say anything back.
As he disappears from view, I must admit that at the very least, Luc’s partially right; I need to do some serious soul searching and figure out why I can’t seem to trust him, why I’m worried about his intentions.
Maybe it’s just wedding stress, or the unfamiliarity of being in yet another new city, away from my family.
Ultimately, I love him, and I want us to work things out.
It helps to know we both want that, but I still hate that he just left me here to go partying. I don’t like being here alone.
I sigh deeply and let myself fall back on the couch, burying my face in my hands.
I can already feel a headache coming on, and I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep in this situation.
Luc said we both had some thinking to do, and that’s probably true, but I can’t stand being alone in the silence with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company, wondering if I’m right to worry.
It feels like I’m going to lose my mind.
Maybe I should find someone else to talk to while he’s away. It doesn’t take me long to go with that idea. Given that I don’t trust my thoughts, I should speak to a friend, but who? As I sit and stare at the darkness of my hands covering my eyes, the answer comes to me quickly.
I know who I’ll call: Brian, my brother.
He’s a few years younger than me, thirty-three, and he lives in Canada with his wife and kids.
Six years ago, he married the love of his life, Rosa, and I remember him being nervous before his wedding.
I didn’t exactly understand it then because I was single with no intention of getting married in the foreseeable future, so I left it to my other older brother, Barry—who’s also married—to calm him down.
Things have changed since then. I’m now in the position where I’m stressing about my own wedding, so I can completely understand how my brother felt.
The time difference between Kingston, Canada, and France is nine hours, so at least I know he won’t have gone to bed yet—it’s ten p.m. where I am, one p.m. where he is. I only hope he’ll have time to help me.
I grab my phone and pull up his number, dialing it and hoping he’ll answer.
If he doesn’t, I’ll have to call someone else, but I don’t know who.
I considered calling Joyce, but she doesn’t believe in marriage, for good reason, so she seems like a bad choice for this.
And I really need to talk to someone, so whether I get peace of mind depends on him.
Luckily, quickly after I video-call him, he picks up. “Hey, Codes, what’s up?” he says. He’s slightly out of breath and appears to be outside, so I’m guessing he’s jogging.
“Hey. Sorry, did I disturb your run?”
“You did, but it’s fine; I’ll take a break. How are you, big brother?” He smiles wide. “Long time no see!”
It has been a pretty long time indeed. The last time I talked to him was almost a few months ago, when Luc and I announced our wedding date during a video call with my whole family.
“I’m alright. I just wanted to talk to you about something . . . personal. If you have time?”
“Yeah, totally, shoot!”
I stare at his face on my phone screen, feeling restless and anxious to bring this up. “Did you have doubts before you married Rosa?”
I know the answer, but I need to hear it from him. Only then can I compare his situation to mine and discover if my worrying makes sense.
Brian nods. “Yes, and don’t tell Rosa I said this, but I think everyone about to get married has doubts at some point.
It’s a big commitment, with the forever aspect and all.
” He frowns meaningfully, and I take a moment to inspect his expression.
He and my other brother, Barry, look like each other a lot, whereas I look more like my sister, Kim.
I suppose that works out; she’s my favorite.
But she’s also younger and less experienced than Barry and Brian regarding this topic, so not the right person to ask for advice.
“Why do you ask?” Brian asks. “Are you not sure if you’re ready for it?”
I think about my answer, then nod. “Well, yes. But I’m also not sure if he is.”
Brian looks a little lost for words. “Oh, that sounds rough. What makes you say that?”
Several things, actually. “Just now, we had our first fight, and instead of talking it out with me like I believe he should have, he went to the club because he said he needed to think.”
A deep frown appears on Brian’s face. “Think? At the club? Who even does that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe us back when we were twenty-one?”
“Nah, we didn’t think much back then at all. Twenty-one-year-olds are dumb.”
Now it’s my turn to frown. “Are you forgetting Luc’s twenty-one?”
He laughs and bites his lip, looking a little guilty. “Oh, oops, right, sorry. Sometimes I forget you’re marrying a college boy.”
I shrug. “His age doesn’t matter. I love him and wouldn’t want it any other way, but it requires some adapting. For one thing, I have no interest in going to the club as often as he does, especially not during our first fight.”
Brian nods, understanding. “So that’s why you’re questioning whether he’s ready to get married?”
“Well, it’s not that I mind him going to clubs and partying. I knew what I was getting into, dating a twenty-one-year-old, and I’m happy to go with him occasionally, but . . .” The words of Luc’s father replay in my head.
“Some people have that in life; they’ll never amount to much, but they have a partner who’ll save them from failure. That applies to my ex-wife, but I had hoped it wouldn’t apply to my son.”
Strange that his father would say that about him. Is it because he perceives Luc in a certain way, as how he was in his childhood, or is there more truth to it than I know?
“I guess we’re entering this relationship on different levels.
I’m marrying him because I love him and I’m ready to settle down.
But sometimes I wonder if he’s marrying me because he wanted to escape his life and I’m just the easy way out.
I have money and I want to make him happy all the time.
So, what if that’s all there is to it for him? ”
My brother’s face turns even more serious, judgmental almost, and because of it, I’m starting to doubt whether I should have told him this.
“That sounds pretty bad. If there’s even a chance you’re being used, maybe you should postpone the wedding, Cody. When he comes back from the club, if he’s not drunk, tell him what you just told me. Tell him you want to wait.”
“But I don’t want to wait,” I reply, and the words surprise me. “I want to marry him, and I want him to marry me for the right reasons.”
“Then you’re going to have to talk to him about that. And see if that’s the case. But Cody, this is your life too, and if you don’t take precautions, you could lose everything. Now, I don’t know Luc well at all, but this sounds dangerous. Be careful what you’re getting into.”
I shrug. “I don’t know, maybe I’m just exaggerating. Maybe if you knew him, you’d tell me I am.”
“I don’t know, man, just talk to him. And if you’re not sure, don’t go through with it. Better safe than sorry.”
I nod, cursing mentally. This conversation didn’t do for me what I hoped it would, and even though he thinks differently, Brian didn’t exactly help. But I’m not going to tell him that.
“Alright, I’ll do that. I’ll talk to him, then decide. Thanks for listening, Bri.”
He nods. “Anytime, man.”
“And don’t worry, okay? Don’t take this as a sign that I don’t want to get married or that Luc’s not right for me.” I flash him what’s hopefully a reassuring smile. “It’s probably just pre-wedding jitters.”
“Yeah,” he gives me a faint smile back, unconvinced.
“Seriously, Bri. I’m fine—good, actually.”
I feel like the more I say it, the less it will convince him, and the quirk of his eyebrows confirms it. I’d better end this conversation now before I make everything even worse.
“Okay, I have to go, little brother. Talk later!”
“Alright, good luck. Talk soon.”
As we hang up and his face disappears from my screen, I must admit that calling Brian was a mistake.
As a result of our conversation, he’ll probably tell our entire family that I’m having doubts about the wedding and that he thinks I shouldn’t go through with it.
And the next time they see Luc, at the wedding or before, they’ll look at him with judgment, treat him differently, and Luc won’t understand why that is unless I tell him what happened here. Which I probably should.
What the hell am I doing anyway? My family can’t help me; they’ve only seen Luc during a few video calls.
They won’t meet him until the wedding. They don’t know him, so asking them for advice is pointless.
I should have realized that before I made the call, but I thought my brother would tell me different things. Apparently, I was wrong.
That proves it, then. I should pull myself together and talk to the only person it concerns: Luc himself. I just have to hope we can work things out when he comes back.
***
When he arrives home sometime during the night, I’ve already slept.
I don’t know when it happened. I was tossing and turning for a few hours before I apparently drifted off.
I left the light on the nightstand on for him so he could see.
It was just weak enough for me to fall asleep, but honestly, I wasn’t expecting to get much sleep anyway.
I don’t know what time it is when I wake up to the front door closing and, not much later, him slipping into the bed with me.
He’s trying to be silent but isn’t entirely successful, and smells faintly of alcohol.
The bed bounces when he lies on it, and I turn around to face him.
He sees me stir and presses against me once he notices I’m awake.
“Hi,” he says, a little too loudly.
“Are you drunk?” I ask. When dating a guy in his early twenties, one can expect him to go to clubs and drink—sometimes too much. It may not be the case for everyone, but the chances are there, and usually I don’t mind him doing it, but on this night, I kind of do.
“Only a little tipsy,” he says, wrapping his arm around me as he nestles underneath the blanket. And dammit, I can’t resist him even though I’m upset. “Can we take a break from fighting?” he asks, softly dragging his fingers along my chest. “Tu m’as manqué.”
I frown at that. “You missed me?” I ask, surprised. “At the club?”
“Oui.”
“Well, I . . . missed you too.”
“We can talk tomorrow,” he says. “Right now, I just want to cuddle and sleep. Okay?”
I think about it and quickly decide it’s what I need too. “Okay.”
Having him in my arms in my bed feels nice and before long, I find myself falling asleep again.