40. Connor
Chapter 4 0
Connor
Saturday. Our confrontation feels like a lifetime ago. The silence since then is deafening. She doesn’t answer my texts or calls, doesn’t acknowledge me in the office, and keeps her distance. I send her flowers, chocolate, and food in the evenings when she’s working late and replace her energy drinks with water. She doesn’t complain.
Nothing.
Normally, she would tell me off, asking me to stop, although she loves it, but now…
I don’t know how to fix this, and I don’t know if I can. But I know I have to try. I have to fight for her, for us, even if it means facing the consequences of my actions and the possibility that…
Everything was perfect.
Will she ever be able to forgive me? Can she understand why I did what I did ?
I couldn’t resist the chance to be close to her, to finally have her in my arms. The masquerade provided the perfect opportunity—I could be with her without the risk of rejection. Without the fear that she would abandon me if she knew who I really was.
The pull of her light, her warmth… it was too much. I had to have her, even if just for a fleeting moment. And when she gave herself to me so completely, so vulnerably, I knew I was lost.
Fuck. I should have stayed.
But I couldn’t.
I wanted her to find happiness with someone else. Someone who could give her what I can’t.
But I’m selfish. Greedy.
The thought of her in another man’s arms, giving herself to someone else, makes my blood boil. I need her. I crave her touch, her smile, those big blue, bright, and endless eyes that swallow me whole in the best way.
I got caught up in the fantasy, in the idea that maybe, just maybe, she could love me for who I am.
I’m aching for her presence, her forgiveness. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. The thought of her walking away, of her hating me. It’s unbearable.
Everything has shattered into a million fucking pieces.
I should have told her the truth from the beginning. I should have given her the choice to love me or leave me. But I was too much of a coward. Too afraid of losing her before I even had a chance .
My fingers curl into fists.
Two weeks. Two horrible weeks since she stormed out of my apartment, tears streaming down her cheeks, betrayal etched into the lines of her beautiful face. And I know I have no one to blame but myself.
I’m going crazy.
Hell, I already went crazy after two days of not getting my fill of her.
Blue, where are you in your head right now?
Do you hate me?
You’re always so close but still far away.
Out of my reach.
Mary steps into her office, stopping in the middle of the room. I freeze.
Her gaze lifts directly to the camera. It’s the first time she has given me some kind of acknowledgment. Her eyes narrow.
Don’t. Don’t take that away from me as well.
She picks up a sticky note from her desk and moves her chair to the camera. Standing on it, she covers the camera with the piece of paper, effectively blindfolding my view of her.
“Damn it.” I push back from my desk, my chair clattering against the floor.
She didn’t mind the other days. Why today?
I’m out the door and on the way to the office in seconds.
Enough hiding behind screens and walls. It’s time to face this. Face her. I need to see those eyes, not through a lens, but up close, where I can read every emotion, every flicker of thought .
I love her. And I’ll do whatever it takes to prove that to her, even if it means starting over from scratch and earning her trust all over again.
Because I can’t lose her. Not like I lost—
I’ll prove that I’m worth the risk, worth the pain. Mary is worth everything.
The door to her office is half-closed.
I enter, shut the door, and secure the lock. The sound draws her attention from the window, and she faces me.
Her normally warm, vibrant eyes now regard me with an icy apprehension that twists my insides. The fear etched in her features feels alien and wrong, and the realization that I put it there makes me the unwelcome outsider. Causing her to feel this way was never my intent.
Her voice trembles, barely a whisper, “Get out.”
“Please, just hear me out.” I reach for the blinds, fingertips grazing the plastic wand and twisting until the slats snap shut.
“Is this necessary?”
“Mary, I need you to understand.” The words scrape against my throat as I force them out. “Everything I did… I never meant to hurt you.”
Silence hangs between us, thick and heavy. When she remains unmoving, statue-still, I take it as permission to continue.
“That night at the party… I never meant to deceive you, Blue. Chris had planned to take advantage of you, and I couldn’t stand by and let that happen. I was protecting you. ”
“By sleeping with me?” A bitter laugh escapes her lips. “Some protection.”
“You’re right. That was unforgivable. I took advantage of your situation, of you, and I’m sorry.” I ache to bridge the distance between us, but I can’t. It would only push her farther away. “Seeing you and having you within reach, I couldn’t resist anymore. I lost control and got caught up in the moment. And now, every moment away from you feels like I’m suffocating.”
Her eyes soften, and her shoulders loosen up, which gives me the courage to step closer. “I donned a mask that night, but the man beneath it, the one who admires you, who cares for you deeply, that’s no deception, Blue. The Connor you got to know, that’s me. The man who loves you more than his own goddamn life. The one who would do anything to keep you safe, to make you happy.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Because I was a coward. Afraid of rejection, of not being enough for you to stay. I’m sorry.” Each word is heavy with the weight of my regret. “I’m sorry for the lies, for the pain I’ve caused. I’m sorry for hiding when I should have been honest.”
I can see her processing everything.
She’s right to distrust me. But I can’t let her go. I won’t. She’s the only light in my dark, fucked up world. The only thing that makes me feel something other than the cold emptiness that’s eaten at me for as long as I can remember.
“Give me a chance to make things right,” I say. “Please. I know I fucked up. I know I hurt you in ways I never meant to. Tell me what I can do. Tell me how I can fix this. I’ll do anything. Anything you want. Just… please. Don’t give up on me. On us.”
I want to reach for her, to pull her into my arms and make her understand. But I don’t have that right. Not anymore. Maybe not ever again.
And then, after a moment that stretches into eternity, she nods ever so slightly.
“I want to meet Chris. The real one. Face to face,” she says.
Fuck. Disbelief and dread twist in my gut. Of all the requests she could make, this is the one I feared most. What if he tries to hurt her again? What if he spins more lies, and she falls for them? I can’t risk that.
“If you really care about me,” she says. “If any of this was real, then you owe me this much.”
And that’s why I should keep her away as far as possible from him. I get it. She needs closure. But the thought of her being anywhere near that psychopath makes my insides coil into knots.
“Chris is dangerous,” I say.
“So are you,” she counters, “and yet here I am.”
The words strike deep, and I flinch. I should have gotten him killed, or am I lucky?
“Are you scared that it’ll uncover another lie? That you only did this to have Chris out of the picture?”
And another blow to my heart. But I can’t blame her for doubting me .
“I would never do that to you,” I say. “I’ve watched you date posh guys and be with some in college, even when they treated you like shit. I admit, I didn’t just stand by. Tires were slashed or some malware installed, but nothing too serious… until Chris.”
She crosses her arms. “If you want any chance at forgiveness, let me meet him.”
The resolute glint in her eyes tells me she won’t back down. Part of me wants to lie again, make up some excuse why meeting Chris isn’t possible. But she’d see right through it. The jig is up.
No more lies or half-truths. If I want even a sliver of a chance with her, I have to give her what she needs. Closure. Answers. The full truth once and for all.
Even if it means losing her for good.
My chest aches at the thought. These past weeks with Mary have been the only rays of light in my otherwise bleak existence. She makes me feel alive in a way I’ve never experienced before. I can’t lose that warmth. I won’t survive the cold if she walks away. I barely survived the last two weeks.
As much as it’ll gut me, I have to do this for her. Time to rip off the bandaid.
So I nod, jaw clenched so tight it aches. “Okay. I’ll arrange it.”
Mary searches my face, brows drawn together in consideration. “You’d do that for me? Help me speak with him so I can move on from—”
From us?
“If it gives you peace of mind, then yes. I will do whatever it takes.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” A vow I hope won’t come to regret.
The relief that flashes across her face is like a knife to the gut. Is she still in love with him?
“But on one condition,” I add. “You do exactly as I say. Do you understand?”
She starts to argue but I cut her off. “Non-negotiable.”
After a long moment, she nods.
“Tomorrow then. I’ll pick you up at your place around 5 pm.”
“Okay.” Mary traps her bottom lip.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Nothing. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Will she ever be able to trust me again? Will the fear in her eyes disappear one day? Patience. We’ve already covered enough difficult ground for one day.
I turn for the door. “Tomorrow, then.”
There’s still a long road ahead of us. But for now, at least we’re moving forward—together. And that’s enough to keep me going.
Outside her office, I message the group chat. I need to hit something, get rid of this fucking feeling that’s messing my head up.
Connor: Gym. Now.
Bash: In a meeting. I'll join later.
Brandon: Busy.
Connor: Please.
Brandon: You, begging? Give me twenty.
When I arrive, the gym is empty, and the familiar smell of sweat and metal greets me like an old friend. I head straight for the punching bag and start laying into it, each punch harder than the last.
My knuckles burn and ache, but I keep going. Chris’s face emerges in my mind, taunting me, laughing at how he played me. How he is still the one, Mary wants to see.
Move on from what, Blue? There is no escaping me anymore.
Rage boils in my gut as I imagine wrapping my hands around his throat, squeezing the life out of him.
“Whoa, easy there!” Brandon steps up beside me. “You look like shit.”
Chest heaving, I turn to face my cousin and best friend. One of the few people who know all my secrets and still stick by me.
“Talk to me, man.”
“I fucked up, Bran. She found out. About me pretending to be Chris at the party.”
“Damn, that’s rough.” Brandon grabs a pair of gloves and tosses them to me. “How did she take it? ”
Right, that’s why my knuckles hurt so much. I was so agitated I forgot to put them on.
“About as well as you’d expect.” I secure the gloves on tightly. “She’s hurt and angry, and I don’t blame her. But she wants to meet Chris.”
Brandon’s eyes go wide. “What? Are you insane?”
I grit my teeth, throwing punches at the bag. Fuck, what am I doing?
“You’re actually going to allow this?” Brandon grabs my shoulders, forcing me to face him. “That’s going to be tough for both of you.”
I know, but what else can I do? And I already said I would.
My hands curl into fists as I think of Mary meeting Chris. Of his smug smile and the predatory gleam in his eyes. Of all the ways this could go wrong.
“You didn’t see her. I can’t deny her this, not if it means I have a chance of earning her forgiveness.”
“There has to be another way,” Bran says. “Anything.”
“There isn’t.”
He sighs. “Are you able to keep your cool when you see him with her?”
“I have to.”
“You gotta decide, cuz. How far are you willing to go for her? For this?”
“However far I need to.”
Letting her get close to Chris goes against every protective instinct I have. But I’m out of options here. All I can do is pray I don’t lose her for good after this .
The hurt and anger radiated off her in waves when she found out I had pretended to be someone else that night. I would do anything to take that pain away, even if it means facing my own demons.
She thinks she needs this, that seeing Chris will give her the answers she needs. But I know better. He’ll only twist the truth to suit his own agenda, to make himself look like the victim in all of this.
I have to be there to make sure he doesn’t hurt her any more than I already have. Even if it kills me to watch her with him, to see the hope in her eyes that there was something real between them.
There wasn’t. It was all a lie, a carefully crafted deception to get what he wanted.
I don’t know if I can do this, if I’m strong enough to watch her walk away from me and into his arms. But I have to try. I have to believe our love is stronger than the lies that brought us together.
I just hope I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life.
Brandon holds up his hands like mitts. “Now, are you done moping? I didn’t come all the way down here to watch you beat yourself up.” He grins, nodding at the punching bag. “Literally, in this case.”
A smile tugs at my mouth, and I shove his shoulder. “Arse. Come on, then. Let’s see what you’ve got.”
“You’ll need a clear head if you’re going to face this mess.” Sebastian appears .
Yes. Yes, I do.
But the only one who can give that to me is my Blue.