Epilogue #2
“Oh my God, I love your outfit!” Kira compliments her black leather bra adorned with little pink bows and its short black matching skirt adorned with iridescent mermaid scales.
“Fuck off, are you going to order something?” She snaps and I feel my mouth open, ready to fire back at her for the way she’s talking to my wife when a hulking Latin Ken Doll of a guy shimmies up beside her and takes hold of her arms .
“Victoria,” he draws out in a rich accent to Bitchy Spice as if admonishing her and turns her around to face the far end of the bar.
“Why don’t you see if Creepy Ted is here so you can scare him off?
” he suggests as she gives the tall raven-haired bartender a gentle swat on the ass.
She huffs, strutting off in that direction, holding double middle fingers up behind her back as she goes.
The Latin Merman just gives a pleasant sigh as he turns to us with a smile. “Greetings to the beautiful couple! I’m Miguel,” he places a hand on his bare chiseled chest. “Never mind her, she’s like that with everybody,” he waves a hand.
“And she works here?” I can’t seem to stop myself from asking.
Hispanic Fabio lifts his shoulders. “Some of our male clientele kind of dig her demeanor. Plus, she’s dependable. Now what can I get you?”
The man’s cheerful demeanor is only matched by his professionalism and the little Brit, Clem, joins him behind the bar to help.
Kira grins excitedly down at the cocktail menu. “I think I’ll go with the Sugar Plum Purple Paradise daiquiri,” she decides and I add her suggested whiskey to the order.
“Right away,” he assures us as he and Clem get busy with glasses and shakers just as the tall bitchy one comes back with a tub full of dirty glasses.
She stores it beneath the bar just as the silver swimming mermaid attempts a graceful flip inside the tank.
She doesn’t manage to keep it entirely underwater however, as her tail fins flap above the surface just enough to wing some water droplets down on the back of the mean one’s neck.
“Aggh! What the fuck?” She turns around and flips the bird to her aquatic coworker who bobs behind the glass with her arms out in apology.
“And my text book!” The Brit scoops up a phonebook-sized book from under the bar and dabs at it with a towel. She places it back under the bar and turns to us. “Um… she’s kind of new,” sh e explains with a nervous chuckle as she places a napkin in front of me followed by my drink.
This makes the mean one whirl around. “What? No she’s not, she’s a clumsy little sprite!”
“Relax Victoria,” Miguel - that’s his name - chides as he pours a slushy purple concoction from a blender and pours it in a chilled daiquiri glass. “You can get her back when it’s your turn in the tank.”
Without a response, Victoria crouches down to mop up the rest of the splash droplets with her towel just as Clem grins at someone approaching over my shoulder.
“Evening Officer,” She greets and it comes out like offic-ah as she polishes a glass with her smile upturned.
Kira and I both turn to take note of a cop, somewhere around our age range standing and staring unabashedly at Victoria.
His eyes briefly flit to Clem to respond, “Hey Clem. Just checking in. All good here?”
“No fights, no injuries, and so far no pervs, but the night is young. And we’ve decided only Miguel waits on Creepy Ted from now on.”
“Good to hear,” he nods approvingly. “Remember though, I can come back any evening under cover. Just in case…” his speech has slowed slightly and his intense gaze is right back on the scary bartender.
Damn.
Victoria narrows her eyes at him and tosses the rag she was just cleaning up a spill within a nearby bucket.
“I’m taking my break,” she announces, and struts away around the corner and I can’t help but wonder why a happy - go - lucky cop seems to be sweet on someone who looks like she has a self-made cemetery in her backyard.
“Hey, don’t leave on my account, Pooky!” He flashes a smile, resting his hands on his utility belt as my wife looks from him to me with her eyes bugged out and her mouth hanging open. I level her with a deadpan .
“Do I need to remind you that you’re here on your honeymoon?” I gingerly hold my fingers under her chin to close her mouth.
I act indignant but even I can’t help but notice the officer has a nice set of lashes over those hazel pools.
“Oh please,” she waves a hand. “Don’t act like we aren’t in a tiki with the Girls Next Door.”
“With the exception of Magic Mike the Merman over there,” I toss my head in the direction of the grinning bartender.
“And not on my suggestion,” I give her a dubious eye roll as I turn to face the bars aquarium as the silver pixie mermaid hauls her upper body over the edge and emits a blood curdling shriek.
Once again, her coworkers are doused with tank water from her momentum.
“Are you KIDDING ME?!” She exclaims, elbows locked and water dripping off her lithe form. She looked so majestic and peaceful under the water, but now with her hair clinging to her face in dripping strands she resembles a drowned kewpie doll. Her fiery gaze is locked on a man at the end of the bar.
“What the hell are you doing?” Victoria shouts up at her.
“I’m confronting the jerkoff who’s jerking off over there!” The wet mermaid screams and lifts a hand to point at the sketchy man which proves to be a bad idea because her weight is no longer equally distributed on the edge of the glass.
Then all Hell breaks loose.
The one hand she was using to support herself slides sideways across the glass edge, causing her entire torso to fall forward and to the side.
“AGGGGHHHH!” She screams as she flops over the side and drops like a rock to the matted bar floor below.
Tall and bitchy Victoria is the first to scurry over and tower over her. “What the fuck was that?” She demands. The handsome cop lets himself around the bar and joins her all the while my wife and I sit here, stunned stupid like the spectators of a train wreck.
What the fuck was that indeed…
Kira and I look at each other, and then gaze around the bar that seems to have gone quiet - minus the steel drum Christmas carols pumping through the speakers.
The tiny mermaid looks like a giant - but very pretty - sea bass laid out on the floor ready for fileting while her coworkers mill around her. Exclamations and questions are being tossed into the cacophony and, thinking on my feet, I hand my wife her cocktail while picking up my own drink.
“We should probably get out of the splash zone,” I mutter, taking gentle hold of Kira’s elbow and usher us to a far corner of the bar.
Officer Flirty buzzes past us in a hurry, muttering something about a Mervert into his radio, just before the faint sound of sirens joins in with the pandemonium.
I get the feeling Mermaid Happy Hour is cancelled.
Kira
Welp… the revolving red lights from the outside ambulance are at least lending a festive quality to the … ambiance. And West and I can definitely say our honeymoon was eventful.
Hell, not even two hours in and we witnessed a mermaid capsizing out of her tank and landing on the floor like limp sushi.
And we learned something new today. Apparently Mervert is a term describing a pervert with a mermaid fetish. That poor little mermaid was just doing her job and from her vantage point witnessed some creep at the end of the bar spanking off to her performance.
“I really hope she’s okay,” I convey to Merman Miguel as we stand just outside the entrance.
“It appears her arm is badly injured,” he explains as we see the top halves of two paramedics standing behind the bar, gesturing wildly to each other.
The super buff and tatted one seems genuinely concerned and Miguel follows my line of sight before looking back to me.
“They are having some difficulty figuring out how to get her on to the stretcher,” he explains further in that sultry accent.
“I can’t imagine maneuvering around that tail is easy,” West muses, slinging an arm around me.
Across the beautiful little lagoon, I see Officer Hot-as-balls pushing down on someones head, placing the likely mervert into the back of his squad car before slamming the door.
As he makes his way to the drivers door, he mumbles into the radio on his shoulder.
“I have the perpert - merp…,” he huffs and rolls his eyes before trying again. “I have the mervert perp in custody and en route.”
Hot.
As he drives off, we turn back to Miguel who is holding out a couple of vouchers towards us.
“I’m so sorry your evening was interrupted. We do need to close for the time being while we get our coworker safely to the ambulance. But please come back later and enjoy a cocktail on us.”
“Thank you,” West accepts the vouchers from him.
“And I promise, it’s never like this…” he waves his hands and I see a look of gloomy realization fall over his face. “Well, mostly never.”
We wish him well for the rest of the night and start walking back towards our room.
“You know… we haven’t cracked open that champagne they resort left in our bungalow,” West mentions. “What do you say we take that and a blanket and cozy up on the sand?”
“Westin Bradford,” I swoon up at him. “Just like that, you saved our first night of the honeymoon.”
“I aim to please, Kira Bradford.” His voice has lowered to that octave that signals he’s feeling a certain way and I can immediately get on that same page.
Champagne under the moon with the ocean waves as the soundtrack to our lovemaking? Hell yes, I’m in.
An hour later finds us swaying together, our toes in the tide and the champagne bottle discarded up on the blanket.
We’re feeling good and we’re about to feel gooder as we start kissing and pawing at each other as the cold sea water washes around our legs.
“I’m starting to get the hype about honeymoons,” West murmurs against my lips as he tugs at the strings of my bikini.