Chapter Six #2
“You’re seeing that, huh? Once or twice in every career, no matter the profession, something happens that’s outside our control and it almost always leaves a lasting mark.
For me it was the young soldier in Afghanistan who suffered a miscarriage in the field, and I couldn’t save her because she bled out before we could get her to the hospital.
There was absolutely nothing I could do.
We later determined that her placenta had ruptured, a very rare complication that is almost always fatal for the mother and the baby, but that doesn’t mean I don’t go over it and over it in my mind even almost ten years later. ”
“God…”
“The sad part is we didn’t even know she was pregnant. She was more than six months along and not showing at all. She kept it hidden because she didn’t want to be sent home early. She wanted to finish her tour and was scheduled to go home two weeks after she died.”
“That’s so sad.”
“It was awful for all of us, and it took me a long time to accept there was nothing I could’ve done to change the outcome. I even met with her parents when I returned stateside and told them exactly what’d happened.”
“I’m sure they appreciated that.”
“I guess so. Didn’t bring back their daughter or grandchild, though.”
“I hear what you’re saying about control and situations that’re outside my control, and it helps to clarify things.”
He reached over to squeeze her arm. “It’s hard to admit to ourselves and others that we’re not superhuman, despite how it might seem.”
That drew a small smile from her. “You’re taking shots at my reputation now.”
“It’s a formidable reputation, and one that anyone would struggle to live up to. You need to allow yourself a few moments of being as human as the rest of us before you put your cape back on and get back to being superhuman.”
“Will I get back there?”
“Back where?”
“Back to being superhuman?”
“Do you want to?”
“I think I do. I fear my judgment is shot. The gut that’s always guided me so well let me down profoundly here.”
“There were no signals for your gut to register.”
“This entire case, from the minute we found Brooke on the front porch to Gonzo getting shot to Lori being killed to Elin getting beat up to SWAT bursting into the Springers’ basement… The whole thing was freaking crazy. I’ve never been part of anything quite like it.”
“And it all struck very, very close to home. Think about it—Brooke, Gonzo, Elin, Lori, all of them people you love or connected to people you love. That’s going to throw off your concentration under the best of circumstances and this was anything but the best of circumstances.”
“Everything you’re saying makes perfect sense.”
“You might be the first woman ever to say so.”
Sam laughed. “I doubt that.”
“You’re going to have to air this out for the department shrink before you can get cleared to go back to work, and you should take all the time you need to make sure you’re totally ready to do that.
Until then, I wish you’d stop blaming yourself and start blaming Stahl.
Allow yourself to get angry at him and at Marissa for getting into bed with him.
But give yourself a break, will you please, Sam? ”
“I’ll try. I think I know what I need to do now. Thank you, Harry.”
“Happy to help whenever you need me.”
“You might’ve missed your calling as a shrink.”
“Funny you should say that. I’ve thought about changing specialties but never seem to get around to it. The thought of more school is rather revolting when you’ve spent as much time in school as I have.”
“I bet.” She stood and looped her purse over her shoulder. “I’ve taken enough of your time. Thank you again for squeezing me in.”
He stood to hug her. “Anytime. Call me day or night if you need me. I’m always here for you guys.”
“You’re one of the good ones, doc. We need to find a nice girl for you.”
“Ugh, you and my mother.”
“I’ll see you at the parties next week?”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’m so damned proud of my friend—and his wife.”
Sam gave his arm a squeeze and headed out the door and down the long corridor that led to the waiting room. As Sam entered the crowded room, a woman gasped.
“Oh my God! You’re, you, Mrs. Cappuano! You’re the second lady!”
Sam wanted to expire on the spot when all eyes in the room landed on her. All she could think about is that her face must be a red, blotchy mess after crying her eyes out all over Harry.
“Could I have your autograph?” the woman asked.
“Um, sure. I guess.”
While the woman riffled through her purse for a piece of paper and a pen, Sam was forced to stand there like a museum exhibit.
A flash exploded to her left, making her jolt.
It was a reminder that she was still jumpy and skittish, two things she’d never been before that day in the basement with Stahl.
“Ah, here we go.” The woman thrust a used envelope and a pen at Sam. “Can you make it out to Janice?”
“Yeah.” She wrote, Janice, nice to meet you. Sam Cappuano. She’d been about to write Holland when she caught herself.
“Could I get one?” the lady next to her asked.
Oh for fuck’s sake, Sam thought. “Of course,” she said with a gracious smile. They couldn’t see that her teeth were gritted, could they?
“Your husband,” a third woman, the youngest of the three, said with a salacious grin, “is so hot.”
“Um, thank you. I think so, too.” Sam wanted to poke out the woman’s eyes so she could no longer leer at her hot husband, but she somehow managed to contain the urge to get violent.
Before she left, she signed autographs for six other people in the waiting room as well as the office staff. At some point, Harry came out to see what was going on and had silently mocked her with laughing eyes. She would take that up with him when she next saw him.
She left Harry’s office and drove directly to HQ, anxious to get this done before she lost her nerve.
After parking outside the morgue, she hustled into the building, the bitter January wind cutting through her coat and sweater.
Inside, she took a moment to fix her hair and encountered the Chief Medical Examiner, Dr. Lindsey McNamara, in the hallway.
“Hey, Doc,” she said to her close friend and colleague. “How goes it in the morgue?”
“Busier than usual with this knife-wielding freak on the loose. How are you? It’s good to see you here.”
“Good to be seen.”
“Are you back on the job?”
“Not quite yet but getting closer.”
“Glad to hear it. We’ve missed you.”
“Nice to be missed, and thanks for the calls, the visits, the food and all the support. It’s been greatly appreciated.”
“It was the least I could do. I still can’t get over everything that happened.” Lindsey stopped herself. “But you don’t need to talk about that.”
“Actually, I do,” Sam said with a chagrined smile. “Until I air it out with Trulo, I can’t come back. I’m heading up to air it out.”
“Good luck with that. You’ve been down this road before. You certainly know how to give him enough to get him to sign off.”
“That’s the plan. I’ll see you on the way out.”
“I’ll be here.”
Sam went straight upstairs without cutting through the detectives’ pit where she was sure to be waylaid. If she put this off, she might not do it, and it had to be done. If not for herself then definitely for Nick and Scotty who’d spent enough time stressing out about her.
Outside Trulo’s office, she marshaled her courage and raised her hand to knock. If he were with someone, he wouldn’t answer, so she waited.
The door swung open, and the doctor wiped his mouth with a paper napkin. “Sorry, Lieutenant, I was downing some lunch. What can I do for you?”
Oddly enough, the thought of the impenetrable doctor eating lunch made him more human than he’d ever been to her. “I’m ready to talk.”
Trulo stared at her for a long moment before he said, “Come in.”