Chapter Twenty
Gonzo couldn’t find a parking space in freaking Georgetown where Trulo’s main office was located. Since Christina was joining him for this session, they’d chosen to meet Trulo there rather than at HQ where everyone would know their business.
He was a full five minutes late by the time he sprinted up the stairs to the second floor, taking a minute to catch his breath and gather his composure.
He would need all the composure he could muster to get through the next hour.
When he felt as ready as he’d ever be to rip the scab off the wound on his soul, Gonzo raised his hand to knock softly on the door.
Trulo opened it and gestured for him to come inside where he found Christina seated on the sofa, looking tense and anxious.
He’d done that to her. In the year they’d been together, she’d gone from free and unencumbered, to insta-motherhood and partner to a wreck of a man.
On many a day lately, he wondered why she stayed when she certainly didn’t have to.
Gonzo took a seat next to her, attempting a reassuring smile that apparently fell flat. She didn’t look reassured at all. Rather, she looked as if she were about to jump out of her own skin.
“Sorry I was late. Parking is a bitch around here.”
Christina reached for his hand. “It’s okay.”
Trulo zeroed in on Gonzo. “Christina filled me in on some of what’s been going on at home.”
Gonzo felt his face heat with embarrassment and shame over what he’d put her through. “She’s a saint to stay with me.”
“I believe she stays with you because she loves you.”
“She’s a saint for that, too.”
“Why would you say that?” she asked, her voice catching. “I’m exactly where I want to be and with the man I wish to be with.”
Gonzo withdrew his hand from her grip and bent forward, elbows on knees.
“It’s not fair to you. It hasn’t been from the beginning.
We were barely dating when I found out about Alex and we went from a twosome to a threesome practically overnight.
Then his mother was murdered and everyone thought I did it.
” He ran his hand over the jagged scar on his neck.
“I got shot and nearly died. My partner got shot right in front of me and died when it should’ve been me in his place.
What woman in her right mind would stay with someone after all that shit in little more than a year? ”
Trulo turned his attention to Christina. “What do you have to say to that?”
She sounded unusually composed when she said, “What about all the time in between those events? What about all the days and nights the three of us spent together as a family? Doesn’t that count for anything?”
“It counts for everything, but you can’t deny I’ve put you through a lot in our short time together.”
“You’ve also shown me love like I’ve never known. You’ve shown me it’s possible to love someone else—two someone elses—more than I love myself. You’ve given me the family I always wanted, and even in the worst of times, I’m happier with you, Tommy, than I ever was without you.”
Though he’d come in here hoping to convince her that she could do better than him and the insanity of his life, her words went straight to his heart, reminding him of what they’d had and who they’d been before it all spun out of control.
“Tommy?” Trulo said gently. “What do you think of what Christina said?”
“I think…” He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and fought through the emotional reaction her words had stirred in him. “I’m a lucky man to have someone like her feel that way about me. But what about her? What about what she deserves?”
“Doesn’t she get to decide that?” Trulo asked. “Doesn’t she get to say what works for her and what doesn’t?”
“Yes, of course she does.” Uncomfortable and on the spot to talk about things he’d prefer to keep private, he ran his fingers through his hair, trying to buy himself some time.
“One of the things I preach to people in situations like yours is that the midst of crisis is never the time to make big decisions. You’ve been through a lot in the last year.
Any one of those things would be enough to test a person’s mettle.
Added together they become overwhelming.
” Trulo leaned forward. “As hard as it is to believe now, you won’t always feel the loss of A.J. as acutely as you do today.”
Gonzo huffed out a breath. “I doubt that.”
“Remember the day you found out about Alex?”
“What about it?”
“Did you feel shocked? Sucker-punched? Stunned? Confused? Overwhelmed? Enraged?”
“All those things and more.”
“Over time, did most of those emotions fade away and leave you with other more manageable feelings about your son?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“It may take a year or two or perhaps even three, but one day you’ll wake up and your first thought won’t be about your murdered partner.
Your first thought will be about your son or the woman you love or maybe both of them.
When that day comes, I want you to be able to look over in bed and still see the same person lying next to you who you loved before your partner was murdered.
I want your son to be sleeping in the next room, hopefully past six a.m.,” he added with a small smile.
“I don’t want you to wake up alone, filled with regret over what you let get away at a time when you were traumatized. ”
As much as Gonzo hated to admit it, Trulo’s words made sense. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. But I can’t get past the feeling that I’m being completely unfair to Christina to force her to stick with me while I take years, possibly, to come to terms with Arnold’s death.”
“From what she’s said, it would be far more unfair to her if you were to end your relationship because you’re having trouble coping with the death of your partner and friend.”
Christina’s soft sob broke him.
“Please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m an asshole.” Gonzo put his arm around her and drew her in close to him, holding her while she wept silently. He had no idea how long they stayed that way before she lifted her head from his chest and tried to regain her composure.
“You’re not an asshole,” she said softly. “You’re heartbroken. I only want to help.”
“I know, baby. I… I don’t know how to let you help me. I feel like no one can help me.”
“That, too, will pass,” Trulo said. “In time.” After a pause, he said, “Christina?”
She swallowed twice and looked up at him with liquid blue eyes, her nose red and her skin blotchy from crying. It broke his heart to know he’d done that to her, to know it was the least of what he’d done.
“I’ll stand by you for as long as it takes,” she said. “If it takes years for you to feel like yourself again, I’ll be there. But…”
Gonzo steeled himself to hear what came next.
“If you try to push me away again, Tommy, like you did the other night, I’m gone. And I’m taking Alex with me. If we go, we won’t be back. I can take all the rest of it. That I can’t handle. I just can’t.”
A heavy silence fell upon the room, making it hard for him to breathe.
“Tommy? Do you understand what Christina is saying?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“What happened the other night won’t happen again. I promise.”
Her relief was so obvious and so profound that it cut through the numbness inside him, making him ache for what he’d put her through.
He reached for her and she came willingly into his arms.
“We’ve got a lot of work to do together,” Trulo said. “But today was a good start.”
Gonzo buried his face in the sweet fragrance of her hair, taking comfort in her familiar scent. They broke apart reluctantly. He was nowhere near done holding her, and he sensed she felt the same way.
Trulo saw them out. “I’ll see you next week at the same time.”
“Thanks, Doc,” he said as he guided Christina through the door with a hand on her lower back. He kept it there until they were on the sidewalk and she turned to look up at him.
“Are you going to work?”
“Malone encouraged me to take a few more days to get my head together. He told me to come back Monday.”
“You must not have been happy to hear that with such an intense case underway.”
He shrugged. “If there’s one thing I know for certain, there’ll be another hot case right around the corner. It won’t kill me to sit one out.” Though it did make him feel guilty to sit one out while Sam was suspended. “How’d you get here?”
“I took a cab. I figured parking would be tough.”
He put his arm around her. “I’ll give you a ride.”
They were quiet on the way home. He thought about the session with Trulo and could only assume she was doing the same. They climbed the stairs to their apartment, their footsteps heavy against the treads. Everything felt heavy these days.
“What time do we have to get Alex?” he asked, taking her coat to hang it next to his in the closet.
“Angela has him until four.”
He forced a smile, trying to act the way he would have before. “That’s like two and half hours from now.”
“Uh-huh.”
Not that he felt that he had the right after the way he’d behaved, but he went to her anyway, put his hands on her hips and drew her in close to him.
Sighing, she curled her arms around his neck and rested her head on his chest.
Holding her this way reminded him of how perfectly they fit, like she’d been made for him and vice versa. “I’m sorry, baby. If I could take back what I said the other night, I would. I hate that I hurt you.”
“I know it wasn’t you talking. It was the grief.”
“Still… that’s no excuse.”
She raised her head from his shoulder to offer a smile, but her eyes were still sad and he hated that. “You’re forgiven.”
“You’re better than I deserve.”
She shook her head. “No,” she whispered, drawing him into a kiss that went from soft and gentle to desperate in a matter of seconds. “I love you so much, Tommy,” she whispered against his lips. “You’ll never know how much.”