Chapter Twenty-Three
Christina’s eyes ached from crying. Every part of her mourned the loss of a relationship she’d expected to go the distance.
She and Tommy had been the real thing from the very beginning.
She’d never had a connection to a man like the one she’d shared with him, and to lose that…
It was like what she imagined losing a limb would feel like.
Thankfully, Alex had slept much of the day after his fever finally broke.
She hoped that wouldn’t mean he’d be up all night.
Not that she expected to sleep much. Her mind was too full of unsettling thoughts—such as whether she’d be able to get another job after being out of the political game for most of the last year or how she would manage single motherhood or whether Tommy would fight her for custody when he knew he didn’t deserve it.
The idea of a contentious battle with him made her feel hopeless and despondent. She’d wanted a life with him, not an ugly battle that she probably wouldn’t win because she wasn’t Alex’s biological mother. But she was the only mother the child had ever known, and that ought to count for something.
She needed a lawyer and a drink. And not necessarily in that order. She was about to get up to see what she had in the way of alcohol in the house when her phone rang. The caller ID showed a number she didn’t recognize, making her almost afraid to take the call. What fresh hell would this bring?
“Hello?” she said tentatively.
“Is this Christina Billings?”
In the second that followed the inquiry from a male voice she had one thought: Please, God, please don’t let Tommy be dead. New tears filled eyes already raw and aching.
“Ms. Billings? Are you there?”
“Yes. Who is this?”
“Doctor Anderson from GW. I’m calling about Thomas Gonzales.”
Her heart contracted in her chest, which was so tight she could barely breathe. “What about him?”
“He’s made a significant decision, and he’d like very much to speak to you about it even though he knows you’re angry with him—and with good reason, which are his words, not mine.”
He wasn’t dead. He wasn’t dead, and he thought she had good reason to be angry with him. These were the most positive developments in weeks.
“Ms. Billings? Are you able to speak to Sergeant Gonzales?”
“Um, yes. I’ll speak to him.”
“Very good. Here he is.”
Christina braced herself for whatever it was he had to tell her and how it would affect her—and Alex.
“Babe,” he said.
Was he crying? Oh my God.
He spoke quickly, as if he was afraid she might hang up before he could get in everything he needed to say.
“I’m so sorry about last night, about everything.
I’ve totally fucked up, and I wouldn’t blame you if you took Alex and left me.
But please don’t do that. Please don’t. I’m going to fix it.
I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose my son, my family. Please.”
“Tommy,” she said as tears spilled down her face.
“I know I’ve already asked so much of you, but I need one more chance. Please give me one more chance. Everything has been so bad since I lost A.J. It’s all my fault. None of it is your fault. It’s me.”
He was saying everything she’d longed to hear for so long, but how could she know that this time would be different than the previous instances when he’d proclaimed to be “on the other side” of the terrible grief that had all but ruined them?
“I’m going to check myself into rehab.”
Wait. What? Rehab? “Wh-why do you need rehab?”
“I… I’ve been… I’ve been taking pain meds to numb myself. It’s… It’s gotten a little out of hand. Lately.”
Oh dear God. Was he saying he was addicted to pain meds? When the hell had that happened?
“Christina. Babe. Please, I know I’ve asked so much of you with Alex—”
“Do not bring him into this. I take care of him because I love him. He’s my son as much as he’s yours.”
“Yes, he is.”
“I want something in writing that says that. I want protection from the possibility of being frozen out of his life.”
“That’s not going to happen. You have my word on that.”
“You’ll have to forgive me, but your word isn’t good enough for me. Not when it comes to Alex. I want legal guardianship of him.”
“I’ll make that happen. Today, before I go.”
Hearing that, the tight knot of stress that’d been constricting her chest eased somewhat.
“I should’ve done that a long time ago, and I’m sorry I didn’t. You never should’ve been in the spot you were in last night when he needed care and I wasn’t there. You should have the legal authority to act on his behalf.”
He was saying everything she’d wanted to hear for so long, but the foundation they’d built their relationship on had been rocked by the events of the last nine months.
Whether or not it could be rebuilt would remain to be seen.
“I pretended I had the legal authority, but it would be nice to not have to fake it.”
“Babe,” he said softly, so softly she could barely hear him. “I love you so much. I love you and Alex and our little family. I’m going to work hard to get back to you.”
She wiped away tears as his words of love went straight to her broken heart. “Where will you be?”
“I don’t know yet. Doctor Anderson and Doctor Trulo are figuring that out now.”
“Trulo’s involved?” She had a call and voice mail from him that she hadn’t gotten around to dealing with yet. “What will this mean for your job?”
“He swears it’ll have no impact on my job. I’ll be out on medical leave. No one except Sam and Freddie will know where I am or why.”
“You honestly think you can keep a lid on this with the attention your squad gets these days?”
“We’re going to do everything we can to keep it private.”
Her stomach hurt at the thought of it getting out. If the press found out that Sam’s sergeant was in rehab, that would be big news.
“I know I have no right to ask this, but I’m going to need you to help me through this. I can’t do it without you.”
“That’s not true. You have to do it for yourself.”
“I want to know you’ll be there on the other side. I can’t bear to think about how much I’ve hurt you and Alex. I don’t want to be this guy anymore.” His words were choked by sobs. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
Her eyes filled, and she closed them against the new flood of tears. “It’s not your fault, Tommy. You went through something awful, and I tried to help you. We all tried, but—”
“There was nothing you or anyone could’ve done that you didn’t do. Dr. Trulo is looking for a place that can deal with the pills and the PTSD from Arnold’s death. He said I have to do both or it won’t work.”
“I hope the department is footing the bill. This happened to you on the job.”
“Insurance should cover most of it. They’re working on all that.”
After another long pause, she said, “I’m glad you’re doing this, Tommy. I hope it helps you to find a way to live with what happened without having to resort to drugs.”
“I hope so, too. I’m sorry it got to this point. I tried hard to power through it. Look at where that got me.”
“Let’s keep the blame where it belongs—on the guy who killed A.J. This is his fault, not yours.”
“It’s generous of you to say that, but a big chunk of it is on me and how I chose to handle it.”
“That’s not fair, Tommy,” she said with more feeling than she’d had toward him in longer than she could remember. “It’s not like there’s a handbook out there to tell you how to cope with something like this.”
“Yeah, I guess there isn’t.”
“Could I… Could Alex and I see you before you go?”
“I’d like that. They’re keeping me at GW until they can set something up. They didn’t say so, but I don’t think they trust me to be out on my own.”
“I’ll come by in the morning with Alex.” Another thought occurred to her. “What about the wedding?”
“Oh shit,” he said, groaning. “I never even thought of it. That’s how self-absorbed I’ve become.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll let Freddie know. He can ask Will to stand in for you.”
“Will you please tell him how sorry I am?”
“I will, but I know he’ll be glad you’re getting the help you need. Everyone knows how much you’ve suffered.”
“I want to know…” A sob choked him.
“What do you want to know, Tommy?”
“Do you still love me, Chris? After everything I’ve put you through, do I still have any chance of putting things back together with you?”
“I do still love you. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t have spent the entire day crying over what I thought I’d lost forever. As long as we still love each other, there’s always a chance.”
“That’s all I need to hear, babe. Those words will get me through whatever the next few weeks have in store for me.”
After that, both were quiet for a time, except for the occasional sniffle on both sides of the call.
“How’s Alex doing?” he asked.
“He’s much better. The fever broke, and he’s been sleeping a lot. He had a rough night.”
“You did, too. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
“You will be next time, right?”
“Yeah, I will.” After another long pause, he said, “I’m gonna go call Andy about the guardianship paperwork, but I’ll see you in the morning?”
“We’ll be there, Tommy. In the morning and for whatever comes next.”
“Thank you,” he whispered. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Christina ended the call and used a tissue to mop up her tears as she processed everything he’d said. She’d had no idea he was hooked on anything, but that certainly explained a lot.
She sent a text to Freddie.
Change of plans. No need to come here for Tommy’s stuff, but I need to talk to you when you get a minute. Please call me when you can.
Then she got up and went into the kitchen. She no longer needed a lawyer, but she still needed a very big drink.