11. Brielle
Chapter eleven
Brielle
A mani and Beck drove back to Lincoln’s old house with me. Beck said he wanted to make sure we got home okay, but I could read Amani like my favorite book. She kept bringing up random things to keep Beck from leaving. She wanted to go with him, so I made her.
“I will be fine. August and Liza are right inside the main house if I need them.”
Her smile grew. “You sure? I can see him tomorrow.”
“Babe, I am so sure. I’m going to shove some food in my mouth and go to sleep.”
“I feel bad.”
I grabbed her hand to reassure her once again. “Go have fun.” I leaned in and kissed her cheek, then looked at Beck. “Take care of my girl.”
His arm wrapped around her shoulders. “Oh, I plan to.”
I took a shower and put on my favorite pair of pajamas. I got comfortable with my bowl of chili that Liza left in the fridge for me. She was one of the sweetest women I had ever met.
When my chili was gone, I turned the TV on for background noise and went to bed. I couldn’t get my brain to shut off, though. The events of the day kept zooming around in there.
We were late to the concert because of a flat tire, but I still caught a few songs. Elijah’s voice is smooth like a paintbrush, making the perfect stroke on a canvas. The grit in his voice just adds to its perfection.
Goosebumps pricked my skin as I traced my fingers over my belly button while going over the lyrics to one of his songs in my head.
I reached into my bag on the floor for the little pleasure bullet I brought with me. I still couldn’t use anything internally. I never had, but these bullets were my best friend.
Just as I placed it on my clit and switched it on, a knock at the door jolted me from my thoughts. My heart began racing as I sat up and placed it on the bed. I stayed silent, hoping whoever it was would identify themselves.
“Hey, it’s me.”
My heart fluttered even faster as warmth spread over my body. I got up to open the door, and there he stood. He looked me in the eye and shrugged.
I was about to ask him what was wrong when he embraced me and pushed me inside.
“Eli… what’s… what’s wrong? What happened?” He smelled like cigarettes and whiskey, with an underlying sweet smell that I couldn’t place.
I should have been scared that he just roughly pushed me in here, but I wasn’t.
He didn’t answer me, just hugged me tighter. We stood in silence, hugging. His grip finally loosened, and he let his arms fall. He looked down at me, and his eyes were rimmed red.
I reached up to move the dark hair away from his eyes and placed my hand on his cheek. He leaned into it, pressing his hand onto mine. “What’s wrong? What happened?” I whispered.
He let out a deep breath. “I will always be a fuck up.”
I was surprised at that admission. “Why would you say that, Eli?” He looked so sad, so broken.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
“You are already in,” I said with a smile.
“Is it okay that I’m here?”
Is it okay? Why wasn’t I having an absolute freakout over his hands on me? Why was he so different?
I bit my lip. “I promise it’s okay. Now tell me what’s wrong.”
He huffed and walked by me, going to sit on the couch. I entered the kitchen and grabbed him a glass of water and some aspirin. “Are you hungry? I can heat you up some chili if you want?”
He turned and looked over his shoulder. “Liza’s chili?”
I nodded.
“Yes, please, that would be great. She makes the best chili on this earth.”
I laughed as I put it in the microwave.
Once I had handed everything to him, he looked up with a grateful smile. I sat down next to him and muted the TV.
He scarfed down the chili in just a few bites, then wiped his mouth on his shirt sleeve. I made a disgusted face. “Want a napkin?”
“No,” he said with a smile.
I pulled my legs into myself, wrapped my arms around them, and rested my face on my knees to stare at him. “I’m ready to listen when you’re ready to talk.”
He smiled, placed his bowl on the coffee table, then leaned his elbows onto his knees with his fingers tangling in his hair. “I don’t know why I’m here.”
“Okay,” I said nonchalantly. I unmuted the television and began to watch it.
He looked at the TV, then at me. “Okay?”
I looked at him. “If you don’t wanna talk about it, I’m not going to make you. If you say you don’t know why you’re here, then I believe you.”
“You do?” he said quizzically.
I nodded. “I know what it’s like to be going through something and not wanna talk about it.”
“So, we’re just going to sit here and watch,” he gestured to the TV. “This…whatever this is?”
“Yup. When you’re ready, you will tell me.”
His voice got really quiet, “What if I’m never ready?”
“Then it will be your secret forever, won’t it?”
He chuckled and leaned back onto the couch to get a better look at me. “You are something else, Masterpiece.”
I smiled as my cheeks flushed a little. “A good ‘something else’, I hope.” I let out a chuckle.
“There is nothing bad about you, so yeah, it’s good.”
I didn’t have the words to respond and acknowledge it. So I changed the subject. “Are you really not going to tell me why you’re here?”
“Would you believe me if I told you I just needed a hug from someone who wouldn’t judge me?”
“Yes,” I said without even thinking. His eyebrows went up in surprise. I began to play with the sleeve hem, twisting it around in my fingers. It was one of my nervous tells, but I didn’t think he knew me well enough to know that. “As I said, I’ve been there before.”
He looked amused and shook his head in mock disbelief. Then he muttered something I didn’t quite hear.
“What?”
“I said you’re fucking perfect.”
The flutters in my stomach intensified. “Oh.”
“You really are amazing Brie; I hope you know that.”
“For giving you a hug?”
He laughed. “Exactly.” I smiled and looked back at the TV. I bit my lip to contain my smile, but it didn’t work.
“You shouldn’t hide your smile. It’s beautiful.”
I swallowed, trying to make my throat less dry. “Thank you.”
We sat in silence for about ten minutes before he spoke again, “I didn’t know she had a boyfriend, and I know that probably sounds like a lie since I kissed you when you had one, but I really didn’t know she was taken.”
I looked at him, and he was still staring at the screen.
“I know,” I reassured him. “And if it makes you feel better, my ‘boyfriend’ didn’t know I had a boyfriend either,” I chuckled.
He gave me a questioning look. “When I apologized to him for kissing you, he didn’t care one bit.
He said we weren’t exclusive anyway, so it didn’t matter.
Then I left him standing outside my dorm.
” I smiled. “I didn’t know how to feel.”
He gave me a look of pity. “Damn, Bee. That sucks, I’m sorry.”
My stomach twisted, and my body stiffened. He noticed. “Don’t call me Bee, okay? My ex called me that, and it’s triggering. Sorry.”
He turned toward me. “Shit, I should have remembered.”
“It’s okay.”
Elijah shook his head. “No, it’s not, and don’t apologize for setting a boundary. I will never call you that again. I promise.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
We both looked back at the TV show, then he spoke again, “I also didn’t know you were coming.”
“Why would that matter?” I asked.
“It… doesn’t I guess, but what you think matters to me. You matter to me.”
My heart fluttered with a bit of anxiety, so I reached down and took a sip of his water to contain my nerves a little. “I don’t know what to say to that, Eli.”
“I wasn’t expecting you to say anything. Just wanted you to know.”
“Okay.” I tried to hide the small smile on my face.
He smiled. “Okay.” He took the water out of my hand and drank the rest, then stood up and looked down at me. “I’m gonna use the bathroom and then head out. I have bothered you enough.”
I stood up as well. “You sure?”
“Yeah. I have made you uncomfortable enough.”
I laughed, a little embarrassed. “I'm not uncomfortable with you here.”
He smiled. He knew I was at least fibbing a little bit
“How did you get here?” I asked.
“I took a rideshare. I’m drunk as hell.”
I laughed. “I know, that’s why I asked. You are welcome to stay here.” His eyes went up in surprise, and I smacked his stomach with the back of my hand. “On the couch.”
We both laughed.
“Okay. But I still need to piss.”
I rushed to the bed to hide the bullet back in my bag that I had left just sitting on the blanket.
I was thanking my lucky stars he hadn’t seen it.
I returned to the kitchen and rinsed off the few dirty dishes we had made while he went to the bathroom, and then I sat back down on the couch and waited for him.
When he came back in, he sat down next to me without saying a word and flicked the TV back on. I let the silence between us linger for a few minutes, but I still had some questions.
“I want to help you, Eli.”
“Just being here helped me. Now I just need sleep.”
I knew what it was like not to want to talk about certain things as you are going through them. I didn’t want to push him if he really didn’t want to talk, but I wanted him to know I was serious about wanting to help him.
“Okay, this will be the last time I ask you what’s wrong, and then I’ll let it go. Do you want to talk about it?”
He looked like he was thinking about it for a minute, but when he didn’t speak, I leaned in, grabbed his hand, and squeezed it in recognition.
“I got it.” Then I stood up to walk out of the room, but he didn’t let my hand go. Instead, he just looked up at me. “Eli?” I said in confusion.
“My dad is sick, and I don’t want to go see him. I am using alcohol to make myself stop thinking about it. I found out a few months ago and haven’t even messaged back. I had no idea if he was even still alive until today.”
I sat down beside him, not letting his hand go, and urged him to keep going.
“I hate him. I probably wished he would die a few times, honestly. Now that those wishes are coming true, I don’t know what to think.”
He looked at me, but again, I stayed silent. Nothing he said so far warranted my voice interjecting.
“Owen doesn’t think I need to see him, but I’m…
conflicted. My dad did and said horrible things to me as a kid.
He left one day and never came back. I thought that was the end of it.
My mom moved on. Forgot about me. Hell, she even had more kids.
I have been fine without him all this time, but that text threw everything out the window. ”
He paused and gripped my hand tighter.
“The night before he left, I attacked my dad. Owen happened to be there visiting me. My dad went after him. I pulled Owen away and got on top of my dad and just wailed on him. I kept punching and punching until—” He looked down at our hands, then back up at my tear-stained face.
“I knocked him out. That night, my mom made me go to Owen’s.
The next day, my dad left for the last time.
I think my mom moved on without me because, although she was a little grateful, she also blamed me for his leaving. ”
“Elijah, I am so sorry.” I leaned into him, hugging him tight. He put his cheek against mine and closed his eyes for a moment. “I am so sorry they broke your heart,” I whispered.
After I pulled away, he continued. “My dad is the reason I started drinking so young. He is the reason I still use alcohol to get through the hard stuff. He taught me that. Please don’t hate me, Brie. I can deal with everyone in the world hating me, but not you. You can’t fucking hate me.”
“Eli, I had no idea. I am sorry I never asked.”
“No one does, except Owen. But even he doesn’t know the extent of it. I’ve never had the balls to even tell Link everything I went through.”
“Well, they won't hear about it from me,” I assured him.
He looked back at the TV again, as if he was done sharing, so I spoke up. “So you left the bar because of that girl, and then where did you go?”
“The bus, my alcohol was in there.” He smiled shamefully.
“How did this mess about your dad come up again?”
“I got another text. My cousin, who I haven’t heard from in forever, asked if I was coming to see him. He told me my dad had been asking to see me. He knew I was in town for the tour.”
“Are you?” I asked.
He gave me a questioning look. “Am I what?”
“Going to see him.”
His gaze fell to his hands. “I want to tell him how miserable he's made me, but I also want to show him I have become more than he ever thought I could. Most of all, I want to show him I’m nothing like him.” He swallowed. “But that isn’t exactly true now, is it?”
“You think that because you drink, you can’t prove that you are nothing like him?” He nodded.
“Eli, look at me.” Those eyes bore into me like I was his lifeline. “You are nothing like him.”
“How do you know?”
“You would never hurt the people you love. You don’t understand how amazing you are, how even more amazing you could be if you just started believing in yourself.
Yes, you have an alcohol problem, but if you’re willing to admit it and get help, then you’ll have a ton of people who I know will jump at the chance to help you. ”
His jaw tensed while a look of uncertainty passed over his face. “What if I am not ready to deal with the pain? What if I can’t give up alcohol and stop drinking?”
“You can, and you will when you are ready. I can help you, if you want.”
He looked over at me and tilted his head in question. “How? I’m going to be traveling all over, and you have school and work.”
I shrugged. “We’ll figure it out.”
He smiled and shook his head. “You are too fucking nice to me.”
“You deserve nice, Eli. You deserve everything good.”
“Not you, though.” He looked up at me, and I furrowed my brow in question. “I don’t deserve you. You are too good for me. I don’t deserve to have you even as a friend, let alone—”
He cut himself off and didn't seem like he was going to finish. “Let alone what?” I asked.
“I just don’t deserve you at all, Brielle.”
I didn’t know what it was about this man that made me feel so drawn to him, but I was not scared of him—I never had been. I leaned in and placed a light kiss against the corner of his mouth.
“You deserve the world, Eli. Now it’s your turn to go and get it.”
He leaned in, brushing his lips across mine before he rested his forehead against mine. “Lay with me till I fall asleep?”
I smiled and tucked in next to him without saying a word.