18. Like a Deer in Headlights #2
“Sure, of course.” I was grateful for this myself, but his comment made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
I was able to pry his hands off his face, and when he looked me in the eyes, he inevitably crumbled.
“I’ll give you space, but before I go, can you assure me that you’re ok?
I don’t want to leave you alone when you’re this upset.
” I kissed the palm of his hand for good measure to lay it on thick.
His pale grey eyes were consumed with sadness, so deep and penetrating that I felt it along with him.
He raised a hand to walk his fingertips through my hair, gently tucking it behind my ear.
He pinched my earrings, a pair he had given me centuries ago that I never got rid of.
“Have you ever had to hurt someone you love to accomplish a goal you aren’t even sure is worth fighting for? ” he whispered lifelessly.
I swallowed softly. “I... yeah, I have.”
I'm doing it right now to Ashlynn.
His expression was warning me, but I was too blind to see it.
“I am stuck at a crossroads of devotion versus domination. I finally have a chance to gain something I have wanted for centuries, but if I claim it, I will hurt someone very dear to me. Really, that person is hurting me every day without even realizing it, but I still love them too much to fully commit to my goal.”
“Who are you talking about?”
“I cannot say.”
"Evander?” I seriously barked.
He flinched at how harshly I said his name. His face fell until it hit my shoulders, where he let it be consumed by my hair and jacket. “We need to stop seeing one another.”
“What? Why?”
“It is dangerous to be close to me right now. I cannot control myself with you, and I cannot accept that you cannot be fully mine. Every time we touch, I feel the ache that this will never be permanent. I cannot shake that you are using me, whether it is innocent or not, and I will not be a plaything.”
Fuck.
How did he see through me?
Was I being that obvious?
I thought I was playing my part perfectly.
I wound my arms around him and squeezed tightly.
“I know we cannot be together always, but why isn’t what we have enough?
I have permission to be by your side and am doing my best to be as much as possible.
It’s not like you have other suitors around.
What harm is being done by us enjoying one another’s company? ”
“Because I want you all the time, to myself. I don’t want to share you, Atlas.
I have been alone for centuries, waiting to find someone that made my heart sing the way you do, but I have failed miserably.
You stringing me along for a good time hurts me more than you will ever understand.
You may have ‘permission’ to toy with me, but you don’t consider the impact it has on me or my feelings.
Think about how I feel, wanting a committed partner, and not being able to have the man I desire. Think about my feelings for once.”
I brushed through his hair, twisting the curls around my finger.
My heart heaved for many reasons. For one, Ambermourn’s feelings for me had always been real, and I always took advantage of them.
I knew how he felt for years but refused to consider how much pain I was actually causing him.
Another point: I was no longer sure that he was conspiring against me at that moment.
He was up to something for sure, but did it have to involve harming me or the kids?
He seemed so genuine in this moment, so truly heartbroken, that I could do nothing but feel like a total piece of shit for pursuing this avenue.
“I understand. If you really wish to not see me anymore, then I will stop coming. Just, promise me something?”
“What?” he heaved morosely.
I brought my lips to his ear. “Promise me that you’re not lying to weasel out of the fact that you know I have caught you red-handed.”
The air around us changed drastically.
Ambermourn’s body locked up instantly, like he turned to ice against my shoulder. He did not pick his head up, but his little charade fell, and anger replaced his grief. “What the Gehenna are you talking about?” he huffed.
“You tell me.”
I stepped back abruptly, making him trip forward. He almost fell into me, but I side-stepped so he would hit the counter instead. He gripped the edge with trembling hands. “Atlas, you’re insane...?”
“Am I?” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Phillip told me about the deal you made with him, and about the information you prodded out of him. Tell me: why exactly would you be so interested in my demon rulers, or the Original Gods? You’ve never had an interest in them before, yet now, you can’t stay away from them.
Do you honestly think I have no right to be suspicious? ”
“How did you know about Phillip?” he breathed seriously, his back still turned to me.
“He and I had a lovely conversation about it. He spilled the beans after I tortured him for information.” I ran my hand down his back, then drew circles in the middle of his spine. “Don’t tell me I have to do the same to you to get what I want?”
“You fucking...!” He spun and shoved me as hard as he could, making me stumble backwards into the archway. His breaths came out as angry huffs that he spoke through, “You fucking used me, you son of a bitch! You used me for information!”
“What information? What exactly did I say I found out?” I said with a shrug.
He panted harder, his face paling when he realized he gave himself away further. “I... I?”
“Now you’re making yourself look guilty.
” I flicked his nose, which he crinkled.
“I know as much as you’ve allowed me to know.
I talked to Phillip because I knew you would go to a close confidant of yours, especially one who is now in my inner-most circle.
He spilled the beans, not me. I only put the pieces together based on your claims about being infatuated with my pact with the Four Horsemen. ”
“My interest is purely curiosity!” he declared firmly.
“Then what do you want with Pandora?” I accused venomously.
His already panicked expression morphed into fear. He stumbled for an answer but could find none. Finally, he jutted his hand towards the front door. “I don’t owe you an answer for anything. Just get the fuck out of my home.”
“With pleasure.” I spun around and made my way towards the exit, but before I opened the door, I looked over my shoulder at him.
“Let me give you a final warning. Tangling yourself with Pandora will only lead to your demise. I can and am willing to protect you from her, but if you think she can do things for you that I can’t, then it’s your goose cooked when it bites you in the ass.
She has done too much to my family, and if I find out you are working alongside her...
” my tone darkened, as did my eyes in the reflection of the glass door panels, “there won’t be a God alive who will stop me from murdering you alongside her. ”
Ambermourn was stunned by my threat. He stared at me with his mouth popped open, unable to form words.
I took this as his response and slammed the door shut behind me, not without throwing the silver key he had given me across his side table.
It spun in a circle before lying still, sealing the fate of our affair for good.