Chapter Fourteen Lor Present Day
Two days later, we’ve finally received word that it’s safe to return to Heart. I can’t stop wondering about who knew my grandmother and whom I’m going to meet. I wait in the front foyer with Nadir, Mael, and Tristan, our bags packed with provisions.
One half of me is terrified about what we’ll find in the settlements, while another yearns to see more of my home. My last visit to Heart was a brief taste of nothing—a dish uncovered, the scent curling on my tongue before it was snatched away with a slap.
Nadir’s reluctance regarding this entire endeavor is worn into the permanent furrow of his brow. But he’s conceded my magic might be more accessible nearer to its source, and I’ve promised to practice once we arrive.
“Is everything okay with your sister?” he asks as we gather up the last of our supplies. Willow isn’t here to see us off, but we sat down and talked things out last night.
I nod. “We’re okay. We’ve just never argued like that before.”
In the end, we both fell over each other trying to apologize. I told her I’d stop trying to shield her from every possible danger, and she had never felt worse for the things she said.
Because of her job at the palace, she had to remain behind, but I think she welcomed it. She isn’t ready to see Heart yet. It’s too painful and raw. Part of me understands.
“She’s going to have to find a way to come to terms with it because nothing can change the past.”
Nadir nods. “You had no good or easy choices in there.”
“No, we didn’t. And I will never regret anything I did to protect her.”
“I know you don’t,” he says softly. “I just wish you hadn’t ever had to make those decisions at all.”
I’ve blamed him for so much of this. I’ve thrown my past in his face, and he’s stared at it with wide, unflinching eyes. I admire him for it. He was wrong, and he knows it, and it takes a certain kind of man to admit his faults without passing the blame.
But if we’re ever to be anything more than the friendship I asked for, I have to find a way to come to terms with this too.
“I know exactly what it’s like to have a sister who thinks she knows what’s best for you,” he says with a wry smile.
“Are you referring to me or to Willow?” I ask, and he laughs.
“I’m not answering that.”
I snort and then sling my pack onto my shoulder.
Hylene is off, ingratiating herself with the local nobles, and Willow will be safe with Amya keeping an eye on her. Besides, we’ll be gone for only a few days.
“Ready?” Nadir asks me, and I nod. “Then let’s go.”
Once we clear the outskirts of Aphelion, Nadir will fly me to Heart while Mael and Tristan follow on horseback, planning to arrive later this evening. Nadir magicked their horses to speed them through a journey that normally takes days.
Once we’re out of the city, he scoops me into his arms, and I can’t help how my entire body melts into his touch. Like this is where I’m meant to be, and this is the home where I will always return.
He looks down at me, and our gazes spark with a bright moment that leaves a hundred things left unsaid.
He’s trying to give me some space, and I have to respect him for trying so hard. I no longer believe that he’s trying to trick me or use me, at least not in the way I first thought, but I also refuse to get wrapped up in his territorial Fae bullshit.
I will not belong to him. I will never belong to anyone ever again.
We swoop over the treetops, his beautiful wings of colorful light beating against the wind, flying over the golden fields of Aphelion and the forests surrounding the place that should have been my home.
Eventually, we drop gently on the outskirts of Heart as Nadir sets me on my feet. From here, we’ll walk to the settlements. Our plan is to head for the largest, simply known as the “first,” partly to blend in and, more importantly, because this is where we’ll find the person who once knew my grandmother.
It breaks a part of me knowing the settlements were never fully named. They’re just numbers filled with people waiting on the edge of what? It’s hard not to worry about what they’re expecting and how I might let them all down spectacularly.
“How’s your mother?” I ask Nadir, partly to distract myself but also because I know he doesn’t like to be away from her for long. I feel terrible for taking him from her on this possibly futile quest. I know he has a way of passing messages with her caregivers so he can keep tabs on her welfare.
“She’s fine. The same,” he says, the lines around his eyes tight. “She’s taken care of and protected. My ice hounds are keeping her company.”
“I’m sorry this is keeping you away from her.”
He pins me with a fierce look. “Nothing would keep me away from this, Heart Queen. My mother doesn’t even know I’m there.”
He says the last part with such raw emotion that I reach out, grabbing his hand. He doesn’t hesitate to thread his fingers through mine, a warm trickle leaking into my heart that feels far too good. “That’s not true. She knows, and she appreciates it.”
He lets out a huff that tells me he wishes that were true, but he’s not holding his breath. I wish there were something I could do to ease her suffering. And his.
We continue walking in silence until the buildings of the first settlement come into view. They’re only a few stories high, and even from here, their state of disrepair is obvious. The closer we get, the worse it looks. Everything is so fragile, like a strong gust of wind could blow it all away.
We join a line of people traveling from other settlements and other realms moving into the city. I’ve learned that Heart was once the center of healing and medicine in Ouranos, thanks to the magic that allowed the Fae to manipulate the body from within. I flex my hand, remembering when I was younger and could heal small cuts and wounds. It’s another reason I need my magic back so desperately. What I wouldn’t give to be able to help others in times of need.
Even if the actual magic of Heart is gone, a legacy of healing still subsists. People come from far and wide to purchase the potions and remedies made by what were once some of Heart’s most gifted practitioners. I rub my chest as my magic bounces around inside me, hoping that what Nadir said about accessing it within the borders of Heart is true.
A few dilapidated inns line the main street, and we find one that looks marginally less run-down than the others. Of course there are only two rooms left for tonight, so we take one, leaving the other for Tristan and Mael.
We could wander around seeking another inn, but we’re on a deadline and have things to accomplish. The room is comfortable enough, though the bed is much smaller than I would like. We both look at it and then at each other, the moment stretching into awkwardness. Maybe I can bunk with Tristan instead.
We should discuss that night in Heart, but I don’t know what I’d say.
That I think about it constantly? That I regret what I said and did? But also that I know it was the right decision to make?
That despite what my mouth and the rational side of my brain say, I want to throw all my reservations away and just sink into this? Sink into him? While it’s impossible to ignore my physical attraction, what I feel has become about so much more. I’ve spent the last twelve years pushing everyone away, save Willow and Tristan, and for the first time, I’m confronted with another person I want to add to the collection of jewels I store in my heart.
But…
There are just so many “buts.”
I clear my throat and then drop my bag in a corner. We’ll deal with the issue of the bed later. My fallback strategy when it comes to dealing with Nadir has become avoidance and a good dose of burying my head in the sand. It isn’t a mature response, but I never claimed to be reasonable about anything.
“So, what now?”
“Let’s go find Etienne,” Nadir says, holding open the door. We head through the inn, passing through the common room, where about a dozen people dine on platters of food and drinks. There appears to be no distinction between humans, low fae, and High Fae, everyone mingling without artificial barriers.
When we step outside, I ask Nadir, “Do you know what it was like when Heart existed? How did my ancestors treat the low fae?”
“Not as poorly as Atlas or my father, if that’s what you’re asking,” he says. “But they were mostly confined to positions of service, many of them inside the castle as far as I know.”
I consider that, wondering again what kind of person my grandmother was. Was she a good Fae? Would she have been a kind and fair ruler? Was everything that happened a mistake or the result of greed? They say she craved power, but at what cost?
“And now? Here?” I ask as we continue walking.
“Necessity and time have done their work of eroding those class distinctions,” Nadir says. “Ironically, these settlements are actually the most progressive on the continent in their own way.”
“Can I give them their freedoms? When I’m… you know.” I wave in the direction of the Heart Castle I know is in the distance, tempering my words lest anyone overhear.
Nadir’s mouth lifts at the corner. “You can do whatever you want.”
“Would I receive opposition from the other rulers?”
“Yes. You would. No one likes disrupting the status quo. But you’d have allies in Alluvion and The Woodlands.”
“Would I?”
“Yes,” he says, and I like the sound of that.
“I would fight the others about it.”
“I know you would.”
He gives me a meaningful look, and I press my lips together and nod. Good. Yes. That’s what I want. I won’t treat the low fae as slaves nor confine them to a corner of the city where I never have to interact with them. They’ll be free to live their lives and follow their destinies just like everyone else. If it pisses anyone off, then so be it. We’ll open our doors and welcome everyone, whatever it takes.
Nadir is watching me with a guarded expression.
“What?” I ask.
“Just wondering what you’re thinking about,” he says.
I give him a rueful smile that I’m sure he can’t interpret. For once, I wasn’t thinking about him, but I can’t tell him that.
“Just picturing what it could all be like.”
I can tell from the look on his face that he understands what I mean. His goals lie in a similar direction. I like that we have that in common.
We arrive at a rickety and nondescript building that squats on the street. Nadir opens the door and gestures me inside and up a flight of stairs. We proceed down a narrow hall, and he knocks on a door. There’s a scuffle on the other side before it swings open.
A very tall High Fae male answers and peers at us wordlessly. He’s dressed all in black, with straight dark hair that reaches his chin. His most notable feature is the patch covering his left eye.
After a second, he breaks into what feels like a reluctant half smile and embraces Nadir.
“Good to see you,” he says warmly, and I assume this must be Etienne. A moment later, his gaze falls on me, his serious expression falling back in place.
“And this must be…” He stops talking, peers out of the doorway, and ushers us inside.
Once the door is closed, he turns to us and studies me again, like he’s trying to decide if I’m really here.
“Allow me to introduce you to Lor,” Nadir says.
Etienne blinks with his good eye, and I note the edges of a scar around the patch, immediately feeling an affinity towards him thanks to the similar scar on my own face. He’s lean and muscled and absolutely fearsome, like an animal on the very edge of breaking loose.
“Hi,” I say, giving him a little wave and feeling increasingly self-conscious about how he’s staring at me. “Is everything okay?”
Then he does the last thing in the world I expect. He takes two steps forward until he’s right before me and then drops to his knee. “Your Majesty,” he says, his voice gruff and full of passion. “I am at your service.”
I’m not sure how to react. I stare down at him and then at Nadir, who’s watching both of us with wry amusement.
“Um, thank you?” I say, patting him awkwardly on the shoulder. “That’s very… nice?”
Etienne looks up with reverence on his face. What is going on?
“Etienne is a citizen of Heart, Lor,” Nadir finally explains. “He’s been waiting for you for a long time.”
Those words kick me in the stomach as I glance at Nadir and then back at Etienne.
“You didn’t tell me that.”
Nadir shrugs. “I wanted it to be a surprise.” He winks, and I should be annoyed, but Etienne still sits on one knee, looking at me like I’m Zerra herself.
“He’s waiting for you to tell him to get up,” Nadir stage-whispers.
“What?” I flap my hands in his direction. “Oh my gods. Get up. Please get up.”
Etienne drops his head again and then stands before bowing to me. “It has been an honor to serve you since we learned of your existence. When Nadir told me he’d found you, I knew our miracle had finally come.”
I open my mouth, still not sure how to react. Nadir explained that those living here believed their queen would return, but being confronted by it twists my nerves into tangled knots. It’s one thing to hear about it and think about it as a concept, but these are real-life people with thoughts and feelings who lost everything because of what my grandmother did. And I suspect they want me to fix all of it.
“Were you there?” I ask, whispering the words as though they might lash out and slice me open. “Did you know her?”
Why Nadir didn’t tell me about Etienne’s origins is a discussion we’ll be having later.
He shakes his head. “I was there. I fought The Aurora’s soldiers that night as they invaded the city. I saw and felt the blast from a distance and was tossed off my feet by the force. I think I must’ve flown at least a hundred feet.” He gestures to his face. “That’s how I got this.”
Horror crumples in my chest at the knowledge my grandmother was responsible for his injury.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, tears stinging my eyes, but he shakes his head.
“What’s done is done. What matters is that you’ve returned, my queen.”
I nod slowly, wishing that were true. How will I fix all of this? When my mother described the selective bits of our history, I couldn’t have comprehended how vast the scope of all this was. She made it sound like we’d just show up one day and take over a castle and live happily ever after, but I realize now how naive that was.
Did she not understand? Maybe she hadn’t wanted to scare us with the truth.
“Did you have magic that you lost?” I ask, but he shakes his head.
“I am not connected to the Imperial family in any way. My magic is not that of Heart, and it returned with the rest.”
I recall when Nadir explained the different types of Fae power—common versus Imperial magic—and how the first could belong to anyone but the latter belonged to the land the Artefact was tied to. At least my family didn’t take that from him.
“And no, I did not know the queen or her Primary. I was merely a common soldier in Heart’s army,” Etienne adds.
“Oh,” I say.
“But don’t worry,” Etienne says quickly, as if sensing my disappointment. “As I explained in my last message, I know just the person for you to talk to. She can’t wait to speak with you.”