CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Maeve found Cailean at the same little spot by the river where he'd brought her after training. He was staring out into the distance and didn't even seem to notice her approach, but when she sat down next to him, he spoke immediately.
"Go away, Maeve. Go and get that arm seen tae and get some rest."
Maeve frowned at the dismissal. "I have questions for ye," she said. "Many of them."
"Are ye the one in position tae be askin' questions?" he asked her harshly, then sighed, obviously regretting his tone in an instant. He shook his head and said, "Please, just go."
"What happened back there?" she pressed. "Why did they listen tae ye? Why were ye so sharp? Why—"
"Maeve," Cailean interrupted, turning to her with annoyance in his eyes and voice now. "Have we nae had enough for the night? Is it nae time tae let it go?"
"Have we nae had enough secrets between us?" Maeve snapped back, riled up by his tone despite everything. "Dinnae ye think it's best we're honest with each other from now on?"
Frustration shot across Cailean's face as he turned to look at her. "What exactly is it ye want tae ken?" he demanded.
So many things. She wanted to know so many things.
There were so many secrets still between them; she could taste them in the air.
What was the pin? Why did the elders listen to Cailean so well?
Who was he really? But when she opened her mouth, what she blurted out was, "What is yer problem with Kier's plan? I think usin' me knowledge—"
Cailean groaned. "Dinnae do this."
"No, really," she pressed. "What possible reason could ye have for not wantin' tae win back such a valuable asset as Darach Castle — Bruce Castle, by rights?
The Darachs will ken their men are dead soon enough, and they'll ken I didnae do it alone.
They'll come lookin', and we'll all have tae move again, and the people of Broken Windmill might be in danger.
Dinnae ye think it would be better tae pre-emptively strike with—"
"Maeve," Cailean said through gritted teeth.
"I'm tellin' ye now tae drop it." His expression was strange, not just anger and frustration, but an undercurrent of fear, too.
It was almost unrecognizable, almost hidden entirely, but not from Maeve.
She knew fear too well not to know it when she saw it.
She almost backed down, but her passions had risen too high to suddenly stop now.
She needed to know. "But I can help. I can make meself useful if ye'll just let me.
Me sister is there, lost, with naebody there tae help her.
How can we do nothin'? Tae not act when ye've been given such an opportunity seems cowardly… "
She trailed off as rage flashed across Cailean's eyes. She realized in an instant she'd gone too far.
"Ye'll accuse me of cowardice?" he asked in a soft, deadly tone. "Me? I'll accept many things, many insults, many complaints, but I willnae be called a coward. Nae after everythin'."
"I didnae mean…"
But Cailean got to his feet. Something about him seemed to change in that instant, and he started pacing back and forth, the night winds ruffling his hair as he did.
His gray eyes glinted in the moonlight, and Maeve was reminded of the dark fae warriors from stories long ago, and she found herself shrinking back — not out of a sense of immediate danger for herself, but from a different, more primitive kind of fear.
"Ye want tae ken the truth? I'll give ye the truth, then, for all ye can handle it.
I've lost everyone. Everyone, dae ye understand that?
Ye think ye're the only one who's ever feared for a sister?
I had brothers and sisters too, once. They're gone, slaughtered in their beds as bairns, or else burned as me home crumbled around us.
Me mother and father, killed and displayed in the most brutal way.
Me entire clan, decimated while I was just a bairn who could do nothin'.
I dream every night of the fire and the blood, kennin' there was nothin' left tae return tae even then. "
Maeve stared, wide-eyed, at this torrent of emotion, the stoicism gone as Cailean spilled out the raw, vulnerable truth at last.
"These rebels are all I have left. Ye're all I have left, because ye're one of us, Maeve, nae matter what.
I willnae risk everythin'. I cannae lose everythin' again.
I cannae watch me family die before me eyes and dae nothin' about it.
Nae again." He balled his hand into a fist and slammed it against a tree.
"I'm nae fightin' tae win. I'm fightin' tae survive.
There's nae winnin' against a monster who already took everythin'. "
He fell silent, but the night air around them suddenly felt loud.
The bugs chirped in the grass, the water bubbled as it ran by, and Maeve swore she could hear her own heartbeat hammering in her chest. Somewhere deep in the woods, a bird called, and Maeve's mind traveled back to the blacksmith and the symbol on a golden pin. A symbol of secrets.
"I'm… I'm nae the only one who lied about me name, am I?" Maeve asked after a moment.
"I didnae lie," he grunted. "McManus was me mother's surname before she wed. It's as much me own name as the one I was born with."
"But ye didnae tell the truth. Nae tae anyone.
" She stared at him in wonder, barely able to believe it as the truth came crashing down around her ears.
She'd been staring it straight in the face for so long that it felt almost impossible that she hadn't realized it until now.
"The night he found me, Senan said the prince was alive.
That he kent it for sure. Even that he kent him personally. "
"Senan talks too much."
Maeve chewed on her lip. "The capercaillie is the symbol of the McNair clan, isnae it? It's the symbol of the true king."
Cailean wouldn't meet her eyes. "It was the symbol of the McNairs. They're all gone now. Barry and Graham were the ones who were meant tae carry it on. Abigail and Neala would have married and made the family grow."
"They're nae all gone. One survived." Maeve got to her feet too, and, hesitating, she put a hand out and touched his arm. He stiffened, but didn't pull away. "Ye survived. That's who ye are. Cailean McNair, the True King."
"I'm nae king," he told her in a strangled voice. The indirect admission made a cold shiver run down Maeve's spine. It was true. It was all true. She could barely believe it, and yet… yet at the same time, it made more sense than anything.
"Cailean…"
"Bein' a king was never me role. That was never who I was meant tae be. Me brothers were the ones who might have been. And anyway, what would I be now? King of smoke? King of ash?"
The grief in his voice was poignant and it hurt Maeve's heart.
She could see the agony in his expression and hear it in his tone, but more than that, she could feel it radiating around him.
She now understood the fear he felt, how much it must make him struggle to consider risking the lives of those who fought with him, but it didn't seem like enough.
She had grown to know Cailean, even care about him, and she honestly could not reconcile the man she respected with someone who would shy away from his destiny.
"Ye're more than that. Think of the way that the blacksmith reacted tae ye.
Think of that woman on the farm. They kent ye, didnae they?
They believed in ye. And all these rebels here…
does anyone ken who ye are?" Maeve still couldn't make him meet her eyes.
"The elders do, that much is clear. Is that why they listen tae ye? "
"I've told them many times that they shouldnae. I'm just another warrior, just another rebel."
Maeve shook her head. "But ye're nae. Dae ye think any other rebel would have stood up tae them like that? Dae ye think anyone else would have thought they had the right tae tell the four elders no when they were all in agreement with a plan?"
Cailean didn't answer.
"Darren kens who ye are, I bet. Does anyone else?"
"A few people," Cailean replied reluctantly. "Nae many. Dinnae repeat anythin' ye've heard here tonight, Maeve. I mean it. After all, there's nothin' tae ken."
"Are ye kiddin'?" Maeve demanded. "All the rebels are here because they believe in the True King. They believe in ye."
"They believe in a free Scotland. They believe in overthrowin' the False King. But they dinnae believe in me. They think I'm dead. They dinnae need me as their leader."
"Ye're already their leader," Maeve shot back, a little frustrated now.
"Do ye nae see the way we listen tae ye on the trainin' grounds?
Do ye nae hear the way they talk about ye?
And nae just the warriors — the cooks, the healers, everybody.
Dinnae ye think it'll rally them tae ken that the king they've been longin' for this whole time is actually walkin' among us? "
Cailean shook his head. He was facing her now, but his lips were tight and his expression was drawn. "I willnae reveal meself, because I willnae make a claim tae the throne. Nae now, and perhaps nae ever."
"But why wouldnae ye do so?" Maeve demanded. "Why would ye not wish tae—"
"Because we already live dangerous enough lives, Maeve!
" Cailean finally met her eyes, and the expression behind his was tortured.
"We're already traitors in the eyes of the crown, already men and women who should be exterminated on sight accordin' tae the folk who hold all the power.
Do ye really think I want tae put me own ego in front of keepin' an even bigger target from me friends' backs? "
Maeve couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Are ye serious right now?" she demanded. "None of us are here for a safe life, and ye ken it. We each have dedicated our lives tae this cause, me included. Dinnae ye think it's an insult tae keep the truth from us?"