Thane
This game of tug of war is exhausting. She literally tried to kill me, and yet I’m sitting here mad at myself for blaming her for Troy’s death. It was a stupid thing to say, and seeing the hurt on her face in that moment was punishment enough.
Fuck.
It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m not supposed to care how she feels.
In fact, the only feelings I should want her to feel are hopelessness and pain.
That was the whole point of taking her as my pet in the first place.
She’s supposed to represent the retribution of my people.
Maybe if I hadn’t marked her, everything would be fine.
It didn’t really feel like an option, though.
For whatever reason, I needed her to be mine, and I needed everyone to know it.
I thought keeping her in the dungeons and staying away from her for a little while would help, but it only seemed to make things worse. Being away from her felt wrong. More than wrong, actually. It felt like a piece of me was missing. The idea of that is so fucking ridiculous.
The dreams certainly haven’t helped. I thought the first one was just because she was lying in my bed that night, but they’ve kept coming every night since. Even when I wake, the memories of them linger. Tormenting me day and night.
I’m just hoping this visit to Seattle will help. Maybe tapping into my inner demon will remind me that I’m still in control.