Chapter 21
This is my Cecilia
Colin
“Alicia. Your backpack, books, headphones, jacket, and sneakers are not going to carry themselves to your room.”
I call out when it hits me that she’s been in there for nearly half an hour and hasn’t come back for any of it.
“I’ll get it later, Dad.”
I take a long breath. “Unless you’re currently solving an equation that’s going to save humanity, you can come get them now.” My voice stays even. “Now, Alicia.”
I hear her in the hallway before I see her.
“Couldn’t you wait a little longer? I was going to get them.”
No. You weren’t. Not without being told.
“And while you’re at it, take the plate and the cup from your snack and load them into the dishwasher.” I tip my chin toward the table.
She huffs, but she does it anyway. Muttering under her breath, just loud enough for me to catch: “You used to be less annoying.”
No. I just wasn’t around the way I should’ve been. And that was worse.
She comes back and stops in front of me, arms crossed. “I don’t get it. If you pay people to clean here, shouldn’t they be the ones handling this stuff?”
“They’re not here every day. And you’re not being asked to clean the house. I’m asking you to clean up after yourself. Same as you always have.”
She scoops up her things from the couch, already working herself into a complaint. “Half my friends have people in their houses all the time. Grandma Barbara and Grandpa Richard even have a butler!”
She keeps talking as she heads down the hallway. I don’t follow or respond.
I never liked growing up surrounded by staff. When Ceci and I got married, even with more than enough money to hire an army, we never did. Privacy was always a priority.
We had weekly help for the hard work and hired additional staff for holidays and special occasions. But we never had anyone living in the house. It also felt safer that way. Just us, under one roof, with our children asleep at night.
After talking to Oliver, I know Alicia isn’t the only teenager acting up. I just have to be patient, and remember that her mother carried all of this alone for years.
Ceci’s call a few days ago hit harder than I expected. I got exactly what I wanted: a few more days with Alicia. And yet knowing she’s extending her trip because of him leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
If it weren’t for Alicia, this would’ve been the worst month of my life.
I’ve been torturing myself wondering how she is, where she is, what she’s doing. And then there are the images. It gets worse at night. Every fucking night, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I start thinking about all the things I imagine her doing with that Italian bastard.
Probably nothing worse than what I did behind her back when we were married.
I drag a hand down my face, exhausted. I was a selfish asshole that day on the phone. It happened before I could stop myself.
If I had been a good husband, a good man, we’d still be together. But as always, I only thought of myself.
A better man would’ve said something like, “You don’t have to worry. I’ll keep taking care of our daughter. You deserve this time for yourself.”
But the truth is… I’m not a good man. I tried to be better for Cecily and our kids. Eventually, I failed. Now I don’t even know who I’m supposed to be.
It was always Ceci. For everything. And when she could finally count on me after all those years of doing it alone, I reacted like a selfish, petulant jerk.
And I know that if I keep this up, when she no longer has to deal with me... when Alicia turns eighteen, Ceci won’t even want to look me in the eye anymore.
Stepping into Dr. Lewis’s office for our fourth session, I shake his hand and take a seat on the couch across from him.
I booked my appointments for Tuesdays and Thursdays, the same days I drop Alicia off at ballet nearby.
The first one was almost a complete waste of time. I nearly didn’t come back for the second. But the message I sent Ethan asking how things were going with his girlfriend—and the single ‘Fine’ I got in response—was the reminder I needed of why I was here in the first place.
So during the second session, I finally addressed the elephant in the room. I told him everything that happened between me and Maya. Beginning. Middle. End.
We talked about my marriage to Cecily and our divorce. When it came to the affair, he tried to go deeper, but I shut that down fast I’d already figured out on my own why I did what I did.
Not that it changed anything. It also didn’t scrape away the guilt or the regret. Or make it any easier to say out loud. But I knew.
So I was direct. “I’m here because I need to fix things with my kids. I know how badly I screwed up, and I’m not letting it happen again. I’m not losing my daughter a second time, and I want my son back.”
My voice left no room for negotiation.
I wasn’t looking to dissect my affair just to clear my conscience while he dressed it up in psychological terminology. There were no justifications for what I did. It really was that simple.
Dr. Lewis realizes I’m not going to be the one to start today. He leans back in his chair and says, “So, how are things with Alicia and Ethan?”
I drag a hand through my beard.
“She keeps testing the limits of what she can and can’t get away with. But I’ve been firm, and I’ve kept the same routine she has at her mother’s place.” I stop for a beat, last night’s argument flashing through my mind, and then I fill Dr. Lewis in on the details.
Once I’m done, I can’t help but remember what she did this morning.
“But she’s a good kid. She knows when she’s crossed a line.
This morning, when I came into the kitchen, she was already there, dressed for school, and had asked Victoria—who usually takes care of our meals—to help her make my favorite breakfast.”
Over breakfast, when I asked about her room, her ears flushed red, and she promised she’d clean it this weekend. And I know she will.
I talk a little longer about routines and boundaries, and he offers a few suggestions, things I can bring up with Patricia, Alicia’s therapist.
Then I get to the hard part. “There’s been no progress with Ethan. I don’t even know how to reach my son.”
He nods, like he’s been expecting that.
“You mentioned the conversation you had with Ethan earlier this month,” he says. “But I need to understand more clearly where all of this tension between you is really coming from. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like the root of it goes back further than the affair or the divorce.”
“Now I realize I could have been a much more present father,” I say, dragging a hand through my hair. “But I think it started about four years ago—around the time Ceci got the offer from USA Today. If I’m honest, it began a little before that. But that offer was the spark.”
I swallow past the tight knot in my throat. “That was the first time Ceci and I fought for real. Days went by when we hardly spoke. Things got... tense at home.”
But as always, Ceci brought me back to myself, and I loved her too much to let that distance grow. If only that had never changed.
Dr. Lewis tilts his head, watching me closely.
“I asked about the root of the breakdown in your relationship with your son, and your mind went to a moment between you and your ex-wife,” he says evenly. “Not to your son. Why do you think that is?”
Ex-wife. Would that word ever stop hurting?
“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “I think it all started happening at the same time.”
He keeps his eyes on me, calm. “There’s something about that moment that clearly stayed with you,” he says. “Enough that it’s the first place your mind went. Can you walk me through it?”
I close my eyes, already knowing how ridiculous it’s going to sound once I say it out loud. But that doesn’t stop me from doing it anyway.
So I start talking.
Cecily
My heart’s still beating frantically as Alexander presses lingering kisses to my shoulder, his large hands soothing down my trembling sides. I drift in the afterglow, completely satisfied, with a lazy smile on my lips.
“Be right back,” he murmurs, pressing one last kiss to my shoulder before getting up.
I stretch, still feeling that delicious sensation between my legs.
Just like every morning, I woke up naked, spooned, and safe in his arms. It only took me rubbing against him for his mouth to find mine, and his fingers to touch me where I needed them. Alexander reached blindly for a condom before entering me and starting my day in the best way possible.
Smiling, I shake my head. I really could get used to this.
It doesn’t take long before I feel him beside the bed again. I crack one eye open, and the smile disappears.
Before my thoughts can catch up to the change in his face, he speaks. “The condom tore... right at the tip. It wasn’t a big tear, but—”
It doesn’t need to be big to have consequences.
The implication sobers us both. I push myself upright, drawing the sheet to my chest as the hazy bubble of bliss collapses around me.
“Okay... I—” My voice falters as my heart races ahead of my brain. “I have an IUD. It’s good for another year before it needs to be replaced.”
I search his face, looking for relief. But there’s only a devastating focus.
Alexander sits on the edge of the bed. “I’m clean, Cecilia. The last time I had unprotected sex was in my last serious relationship. It feels like a lifetime ago. I haven’t been with anyone since this time last year—I always used protection with her. And I’m meticulous about getting tested.”
I nod, unable to find my voice.
The relief doesn’t last long. It’s strangled by the thought of him with another woman. I’ve never been the jealous type. I never cared about the past of the only other man I’d ever been with.
So why does the thought of other women in Alexander’s bed feel like a punch to my gut?
I don’t bring women to my family’s villa.
The memory of his words loosens something inside me. I am the only one. Not just at the villa, but here. In his home.