Chapter 24 #2
I close my eyes and gather the courage I’m not sure I even have. When I open them again, the truth comes out.
“And then... when you started building something that was yours... I resented you.”
Ceci sets her mug down on the coffee table and leans back against the couch, crossing her arms.
“You resented me?” she asks, stunned.
“For what? For being there for our children when you weren’t?
Or was it because I gave myself to you at my own expense for nearly two decades? Did you resent me for doing everything I could to hold our life together when the foundation had already started to fracture?”
Shame burns under my skin as I finally confess, “The USA Today offer.”
Her brow furrows in confusion. Then her eyes widen.
“Even after the fight we had... even after you supported me and told me to take it?”
She stiffens, her voice taut. “You’re saying you resented me for accepting something that validated years of my work? A blog that started as a silly dream and became one of the things I’m most proud of?”
I lift my hand.
“Before I go on... you need to hear this first. I know how absurd everything I’m about to say will sound. I know now these were only empty justifications.”
I draw a breath. “But what I’m about to tell you isn’t logic. It’s what I felt.”
“I didn’t understand why you needed that column.
In my mind, I was a good provider. I worked to stay on top. You knew that. You trusted me to invest everything you earned from the blog under your own name.”
I tighten my grip on the cushion, trying to stop the tremor in my hands.
“So I couldn’t understand why you would take a job that demanded more of you... for a salary that wouldn’t change anything for you or for our family.”
I drag a hand down my face.
“Again… I know how terrible that makes me sound. But that was how it felt. And I used it as another excuse to stay away. I felt more and more unnecessary at home... and instead of changing myself, or finding new ways to be there, even when I didn’t feel needed...”
“I chose distance. Distance from you and the kids. All while telling myself I’d fix it later.”
I look down. “And then there was your name.”
“My name?”
“Yes. Your name. Not ours. Not the name I gave you after our marriage.”
“Colin... you’re not making any sense.”
“You always signed your blog as Cecily Sterling. Never Montgomery. I never said anything because that was your world and I respected it. And honestly, after a while, I even stopped thinking about it. But then came a national—international—newspaper column.”
“And I kept using my maiden name,” she adds.
She lets out a short, disbelieving laugh. “Colin, you know the editor asked me to. The proposal came because of the blog. And even then, I had every right to use the name I chose. I didn’t take your name when we married to be marked as your property.”
“I know,” I say, shame flooding through my veins. “And again... they were just excuses I fed myself. I can see that clearly now.”
I hesitate before admitting the part that hurts the most.
“It felt like everything was piling up. You had your writing, your blog. Ethan always went to you first. And apart from Alicia... I felt unnecessary at home.”
I don’t lower my head, even when every part of me is begging to.
“I felt like even when you asked me to be home more, it wasn’t because you actually wanted me there… it was just habit.”
She looks me straight in the eyes, her voice calm as she says:
“Did it ever occur to you that your absence is what made you feel unnecessary? Your avoidance? That the only reason you thought I asked out of habit was because you had already made avoiding us a habit… especially in those last months?”
“I see it now. All of it… Whenever things didn’t go the way I wanted, or planned, or expected... my instinct was to force my will. And when that failed... I retreated. I didn’t realize I was opening a chasm every time I did.”
“An abyss,” I whisper, my voice barely audible.
“An abyss that made me lose sight of the man I was supposed to be for my family. Of what truly mattered. It gave space to things I should have never said or done... things I should’ve never even allowed myself to think.
And it was there... in that abyss... that I became the man I despise now. ”
Ceci stands and turns her back to me, dragging her hands through her hair.
“I just—I just can’t believe how—”
“Stupid. Selfish. And disgraceful,” I supply.
She turns to face me. “Yes. All of that. And narcissistic. Entitled. Self-centered, too.”
Ceci shakes her head.
“You made everything about you,” she says, exhaling through her teeth. “I knew you had that tendency. You never hid it. But I chose to believe it belonged only to the world out there. Not to me or our children.”
I lower my head.
“I know. I was never a good man. For you, I tried. I really did. I tried to be a better version of myself... until I couldn’t anymore.”
“No.” She cuts me off. “You said no more excuses, so don’t use that one. It’s not that you couldn’t anymore. It’s that you chose not to.”
“You’re right.”
“Damn right I am! You weren’t a boy or some young man still figuring himself out.
You didn’t get to feel wounded because I was doing something for myself.
You should have acted your age—or, at the very least, talked to me every time I asked, every time I begged you to do something to change things. ”
Her chest rises and falls as she stalks closer.
“I was there for you, Colin. All the way.”
“Even when Ethan was little and I was still in college. Through every dinner and celebration I planned for your company’s milestones. Every time I asked about your day, your plans, your dreams. And none of it was out of obligation, or to please you. I did it out of love.”
She shakes her head again.
“And the moment something changed in me... when I no longer fit into the picture you had of me, of us—” Her voice breaks.
“You used that as retaliation? Years of resentment, and then you threw our entire history away for something that, in the end, wasn’t even worth it.
So what you’re saying is, you didn’t cheat because you fell in love.
And you didn’t cheat because I was lacking or because you were unhappy. You cheated because you wanted to—because you felt entitled to.”
When I feel tears slide down my face, I wipe them away roughly.
“I never deserved you. You were always too good for me. But I wanted you all the same. And your love... your love made me feel invincible… until I forgot how to love you the way you deserved.”
A sob tears out of me.
“And that’s why I had to tell you everything. No more excuses. I needed to apologize for every way I failed you. I had to say I’m sorry, even if I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
“I already forgave you.”
I snap my head toward her.
“W-what?”
She holds my gaze. “Not for you. For me. To keep living. Really living… not just surviving. I had to let go of the anger and the pain. Of what you did to me.”
“Don’t take this as forgetting. I never will. But it doesn’t define me now. It doesn’t take over my thoughts or poison my heart.”
Because she doesn’t love me anymore. That’s what she means.
“So if this was the closure you needed,” she adds quietly, “now you have it.”
I nod. Then, on unsteady legs, I push myself to my feet, fully aware there’s nothing left for me to say. I take two steps toward the door… and stop.
I turn back to her.
“If I had told you everything I told you today... a year ago. When you asked… would it have made any difference?”
“No,” she says, without missing a beat. “I asked because I needed you to confront what you’d done. ‘It meant nothing’ was never enough.”
She sighs. “The only way this could have been different,” she says, “is if you had never cheated. If you had never stopped choosing our family. I would have loved you. And nothing would have changed. But that life is behind us now.”
“You were everything I ever wanted.” My voice wavers. “I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved you. And I never will.”
I breathe through the pain in my chest.
“You gave me the most beautiful family I could’ve ever dreamed of. You are the best mother I could’ve ever wanted for our kids. I was happy with you. My ego... my pride and selfishness… that’s what’s going to make me regret losing you for the rest of my life.”
Ceci looks away. And when she finally meets my eyes again: “I don’t wish anything bad for you, Colin. I truly hope you find peace in the choices you made. And I hope this clarity you carry now... isn’t temporary. I hope it lasts.”
She hesitates before adding, “Ethan told me what happened at the beginning of last month. I believe, in time, he’ll find his way back. Don’t disappoint him again. Don’t disappoint either of our kids.”
“I won’t,” I say, my voice thick with grief.
She nods.
For a moment... I almost reach for her. Almost pull her into me, letting memory take over. But I turn away and leave without a word.
I drive on autopilot. Red means stop. Green means go. I turn onto the right street without thinking. And when I finally reach my penthouse... everything hits me.
I collapse beside the console table, the frame clutched in my hands.
Alicia’s ninth birthday. The four of us... laughing, happy.
And through broken sobs, I whisper, “I will do better. I will be better. For you. For all of you.”
Alexander
I’m just stepping out of the shower when my phone starts ringing on the nightstand. I wrap a towel around my waist and cross the bedroom in long strides.
I answer the video call with a smile already pulling at my mouth—but before I can even speak, she does.
“Do you always answer your phone like that?”
I chuckle under my breath at her tone.
“Jealous, Cecilia?”
“Maybe.” She narrows her eyes, fighting a smile. “Or maybe I just don’t think that’s appropriate behavior on your part.”
“I only answer like this when it’s you,” I say easily, then I soften my voice. “Ciao, tesoro. I missed you yesterday.”
“I know... I’m sorry. I had to pick Alicia up from her friend’s house, and by the time I got home it was later than I expected. And when you called again, I was already asleep.”
“It’s okay.”
It isn’t. Dubai is dragging on longer than planned. I was supposed to be back in Pisa tomorrow, now it looks like I’ll be here a few days more.
“Tell me about your day,” I say.
“Oh—your sister came by earlier.” Her face brightens. “I invited her to stay for dinner, but she said she already had plans with a special friend.”
I chuckle. Aurélie code for a new infatuation.
“Did she finally bring you the canvas?”
Cecilia stands and takes a few steps so I can see the framed canvas behind her.
“I put it in my bedroom.”
Then she turns the phone, and I catch a glimpse of her bed in the background.
“Bellissima,” I murmur.
She lifts a brow. “Not very modest of you, praising your own work.”
“You know perfectly well I’m not talking about the canvas.”
“Well,” she says lightly, “the painting is beautiful too.”
“Nothing compares to you.”
She smiles. “Smooth talker.”
I grin. “Tell me about Aurélie’s visit.”
“She didn’t stay long. We talked about a few things, work, my trip, your family. But she had coffee with me and tried the biscotti al limone I made. Alicia asks for them all the time now.”
“Does she?”
Cecilia smiles, her voice gentle. “Baking them makes me feel like I’m back in Nonna’s kitchen again.”
If only she knew how much it means to me to hear her say that word so naturally. Nonna.
“Your sister wasn’t the only one who stopped by this week. Colin was here yesterday, while Alicia was at her friend’s house.”
My breath catches, and I can’t even speak.
“Alexander?”
“Sì.”
“Nothing has changed,” she continues. “What I told you on the plane… nothing has changed. He’s just the father of my children.”
I nod once. “Do you want to tell me about his visit?”
“Yes. But I’ll make it quick. I know you have to log off soon and start your day.”
So she gives me the outline of their conversation.
It does nothing to improve my opinion of him. If anything, the opposite. But at least, from what she tells me, he is finally owning the wreckage he caused.
I watch her face as she speaks. I look for hurt. For that hollow look I’ve seen there before. I don’t find it. Sometimes there’s a trace of exasperation. A flash of fatigue… But no open wound.
When she finishes, she exhales.
“That’s basically it,” she says. “I can tell you everything in more detail another time, if you want.”
“How did it make you feel?” I ask. “Hearing all of that from him.”
“Honestly? If this had happened a while ago, it would have devastated me. I would have cried for days and replayed every single word in my head.” She glances to the side, then back to the screen.
“But even though I’ve moved on, it helped to close a few loose ends.
And part of me felt relieved to hear him say, out loud, that he didn’t cheat on me because I was lacking, or not enough. ”
She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
“I’ve spent a lot of time on that in therapy. And I know, even if it hurts, that the blame doesn’t belong to the person who’s betrayed... only to the one who makes the choice to betray.”
She stops for a second, her eyes going distant for a moment.
“But in practice... when the insecurities resurface, it feels very different.”
I skip the praise and the rush to list all the reasons she’s everything to me. She already knows I adore her, and how deeply I’m drawn to her mind and her heart. All of her. So I choose what matters more than words. I just listen.
“I didn’t expect that from him,” she says in a small voice.
“For me, that chapter is closed. But he seemed to need that closure.”
She shrugs.
“It’s not about owing him anything... but for our children, I listened. I said what I needed to. And I hope he stays on that path. I hope he doesn’t fail them again, and that he finds peace with his choices.”
I can’t stop the smile that pulls at me. “Have I told you lately how incredible you are?” I ask.
She returns the smile. “I’m just trying to do my best with the cards life dealt me.”
No, amore, I think. She’s doing far more than her best. Most people in her place wouldn’t hold such grace. This inner strength that runs so deep it borders on awe. Many would choose bitterness, and no one could fault them for it. But not my Cecilia.
We talk a little longer, making the moments last as long as we can. Eventually, we have to hang up and reluctantly say goodbye, agreeing to talk again later.
As I get dressed for the day, a thought hits me. Mi sento un idiota [LXIX]for not thinking of it sooner. I grab my phone and fire off an email to Lilian, asking her to handle something first thing in the morning: have a bouquet delivered to Cecilia.
White lilies. Zinnias. Desert roses.
On the card:
Keep shining as bright as you are.
Sei la mia costellazione preferita.[LXX]
Always yours, Alexander.