Chapter 18 #2
“Therapy helped me understand that every time I thought about the people I loved who died, I was reliving it. Not remembering it.”
Eric wished he could remember all the technical pieces of it that Elijah had explained, but he couldn’t. And though interesting, they didn’t really matter.
“He helped me rewire my brain so they became memories, not trauma I was reliving.”
Nikolett’s expression had softened into surprise.
“I had no real present, and no future, because how I thought about my past poisoned everything.” Eric met and held her gaze. “I was scared to love you. I was a coward, just as you said.”
Nikolett’s lower lip trembled as the muscles at the corner of her mouth fluttered. She was going to cry. He didn’t know if that was a bad sign or a good sign.
“I had nightmares of finding you dead. Not just dead but murdered. Tortured.”
For a horrible moment, he saw an overlay of her mutilated corpse atop the very real, very live version of her.
“I imagined you died hoping, believing I’d find you in time. I’d save you. But I didn’t. I failed you the same way I failed everyone else.”
“Eric, it’s not your responsibility—”
She cut herself off when he laughed softly, the sound carrying the darkness of his thoughts, but not fully weighted down by them.
“This is where Zombie Nikolett comes into play.”
Her expression shifted from the verge of tears to suspicion, and his grin widened.
“I realize how fucking pissed you would be if I blamed myself for your death.”
Nikolett’s eyes widened with surprise, and then a considering look marked her face before she nodded once in agreement.
“Imaginary dead Nikolett sat up and started lecturing me that it wasn’t my responsibility to protect her.”
“I don’t lecture.”
“Nikki, you love to lecture.”
She shot him an acerbic look. “If I were to die, it would be due to a gap or failure of a security system, but no system is perfect. Also, the fault would always lie with whoever actually killed me.”
“Almost word for word what Zombie Nikolett said…”
“I’m glad to know your fantasy version of me is at least somewhat accurate.”
“That’s my trauma-informed imaginary version. The fantasy version does very different stuff.”
“No lectures?”
“Hard to do gagged.”
They both froze, each waiting for the other to either ignore or act on that conversational shift.
There was more she deserved to hear from him. Apologies for specific dickhead—or fuckboy—behavior. He should probably tell her who he imagined being at a family dinner in the future.
Apparently, Nikolett was done talking, at least for now, because she once more raised her leg, this time bracing the ball of her foot on his collarbone, the heel touching his chest, but not digging in.
Eric straightened, ass no longer on his heels. She moved with him, the bend of her knee more acute.
Her skirt slid up to the tops of her thighs.
He turned his head and kissed the arch of her foot. Softly. Reverently.
“Eric,” she breathed. “If you’re going to walk away again in the morning… I will kill you.”
“Fair.” Honestly, at this point, if he didn’t have his emotional shit together enough to be the kind of man who deserved her love, he’d throw himself off the cliff. He was probably too heavy for anyone else to toss.
“I don’t want this if you’re going to hold back.”
The fragile look in her eyes was like a punch to the gut. He’d done that. He’d made her scared to trust him.
So he told her the truth.
“I’m yours, Nikki. From now until the end. Everything I have, everything I am.”
He kissed her foot again, needing contact. Hating the thin nylon that stopped it from being skin to skin.
“I had no present and no future because I tried to keep you out. You are my future. I don’t deserve you, but God, I want you.”
She blinked and the tears that had made her eyes luminous finally fell, tracing silvery lines down her cheeks.
“Once we start, I want it all.” He meant emotionally and physically, but right now, given that he was starting to tremble for the force necessary to keep himself still, he added, “Today, once I touch you, I won’t be able to stop until I’ve had all of you.
” He held her gaze. “I won’t hold back. I can’t.
So, Nikki, if you’re not ready for this… ”
“I am.” She dropped her foot from his shoulder, scooting forward until she perched on the edge of the chair, her knees pressing to his midsection.
“I want to be yours,” she breathed.
You are mine, and after today, you always will be.
Eric inched forward, pressing harder against her legs.
She spread them, making space for him between her knees. He scooted in until they were eye to eye.
Nikolett leaned in brushing her lips against his, but when he tried to properly kiss her, she pulled back, whispering, “I want you to make the world disappear.”
Eric’s lips traced along her cheek to her ear. “From this moment on, you’re mine. Body and soul.”
If she’d been sane, that might have scared her. But she was just as mad as he was and so she shivered and moaned just a little, before whispering, “And you’re mine.”
“Yes.” He inhaled, breathing in the scent of her, the scent he’d recognized when they first put him on his knees before her.
“Nikki, if you’re really ready for this…”
“I am.”
He pulled back, catching her gaze.
“Unchain me.”